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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > why turn someone you can have into one you cant?      Home login  
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 melodyof_k
Joined: 5/2/2012
Msg: 1
why turn someone you can have into one you cant?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
how can a man keep saying no by keeping his distance from a woman who he knows loves him
and he loves her?
unless she sees it all wrong and he does not love her. at least not enough , as if love is measured.
(for a friend lol)
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 2
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why turn someone you can have into one you cant?
Posted: 1/23/2013 10:59:45 PM
Because he values his independence more than he values a relationship? (or at least what he believes being in a relationship entails).

Tell your friend that if she wants this man, she going to have to change her relationship needs. If she can't do that, she should move on.

She should not try to change him, it won't work, he's not needing a change (as he sees it). If he did, he'd be on it.

Moving on might do it, but can she be patient and actually allow this guy to miss her? (if he ever will).
 Fatuglybaldcreeper84
Joined: 1/5/2013
Msg: 3
why turn someone you can have into one you cant?
Posted: 1/23/2013 11:02:18 PM
he doesn't love her
 melodyof_k
Joined: 5/2/2012
Msg: 4
why turn someone you can have into one you cant?
Posted: 1/23/2013 11:06:46 PM
yes, she has allowed him to miss her for a long time,not woryying or not if he did or not. living her own life.
but she now knows he missed her.
I dont think she will ever give him time of hers to waste again.

how would you judge whether or not he loved her?

She is not going to change her basic and most important relationship needs.

so if he wont either...and he love her, how many years can he be so hard when after this...he wont be able to have the woman he wants to be with ?
 Jerilyn
Joined: 1/13/2012
Msg: 5
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why turn someone you can have into one you cant?
Posted: 1/23/2013 11:14:10 PM
Whatever the reason it's about him, not her. Changing herself in any way won't work because that's not what it's about. If she loves him and he loves her but won't move forward... he either doesn't love her, doesn't love her enough or has other issues.

The best thing she can do is move on and find someone emotionally available. It could be that she's emotionally unnavailable herself, if a man who doesn't want her is someone that she wants. If anything she could change THAT so that she's ready for the next guy.
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 6
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why turn someone you can have into one you cant?
Posted: 1/23/2013 11:16:50 PM
He probably does love her. Just not enough to commit.

My guess:

He probably thinks (and he's probably right) that if he goes with her, eventually he will meet his "dream gal" and he'll go for it, and in doing so, he will hurt this good woman. He doesn't want to hurt her nor close any doors in front of him.

I say, if they've been together over 2 years and he hasn't committed, it isn't going to happen.
 melodyof_k
Joined: 5/2/2012
Msg: 7
why turn someone you can have into one you cant?
Posted: 1/24/2013 12:38:04 AM
do most men and/or women still believe they will meet their dream girl after 60?
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 8
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why turn someone you can have into one you cant?
Posted: 1/24/2013 12:54:35 AM
I think so, if they are the romantic type. (even if they hide it). This gal friend of yours believes he is her perfect match, even at her age, does she not?

Then again this guy could be the type that objectifies women, and your friend doesn't offer what this guy really wants. SomeTHING to make his life easier or boost his ego or be his maid/sex object/nurse/money bag, whatever.
(There are people out there that have no use for others unless they feed them in some way. Giving back or "loving" someone whom they believe is not "perfect" for them is beyond their capabilities. They are psychos. Don't waste your time on these types. And certainly don't get envious/jealous if they find someone who will settle for this).

 cag1963
Joined: 7/10/2012
Msg: 9
why turn someone you can have into one you cant?
Posted: 1/24/2013 1:16:22 AM
ok now i can see if you were saying he wouldn't make big commitment like getting married , lots of people have that issue , but if your saying he just won't commit to being with her at all , then this gal needs to WAKEUP , plain and simple he doesn't care that much for her
 paralax22
Joined: 12/2/2012
Msg: 10
why turn someone you can have into one you cant?
Posted: 1/24/2013 1:48:38 AM
Internet dating carries with it blessings, and a curse. POF is aptly named... a huge school of fish. It's like being strapped to a merry-go-round while faces and profiles flash in front of your eyes. You might stare at one for a few seconds, but then the faces flash again, and again. I think it tends to make men into players, we lose sight of the goal of dating, and dating becomes a lifestyle. So, you are willing to let this one go, because there's a new girl that just flashed before you that intrigues you, and captivates you with her smile, or her cleavage. If a woman finds a guy she feels is material to be her "one," she should never wait for him to contact her... and do whatever it takes to keep his mind off the merry-go-round, until the comittment of exclusivity is made.
 _shakti_
Joined: 7/5/2011
Msg: 11
why turn someone you can have into one you cant?
Posted: 1/24/2013 1:50:35 AM
C'mon.. we know who you are talking about, lol..


The best thing she can do is move on and find someone emotionally available. It could be that she's emotionally unnavailable herself, if a man who doesn't want her is someone that she wants. If anything she could change THAT so that she's ready for the next guy.
Exactly!
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 12
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why turn someone you can have into one you cant?
Posted: 1/24/2013 3:27:53 AM
Oh, OP, it doesn't matter WHY. Work on acceptance of his decision, not on trying to figure out why.

Your unwillingness to accept this has cost you years of your life already, how many more are you going to waste?

A man who doesn't want me is NOT the man of my dreams. If this perpetual misery is your dream, get a better dream. Face the reality of this man. Your fantasies about him are all in your head.
 dessertcook1
Joined: 5/29/2009
Msg: 13
why turn someone you can have into one you cant?
Posted: 1/24/2013 3:36:00 AM
Usally its the other way around the women done want to date they are here cause they cannot commit to a relationship
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 14
why turn someone you can have into one you cant?
Posted: 1/24/2013 3:41:04 AM

I dont think she will ever give him time of hers to waste again.

but she's thinking about it and will probably change her mind about that.
 Pinky127
Joined: 1/7/2012
Msg: 15
why turn someone you can have into one you cant?
Posted: 1/24/2013 4:12:54 AM
Op,i really wish your "friend" could meet a man who truly was emotionally available and not afraid of commitment and who relished the idea of being in a relationship.

It sounds like waaay too much time has been wasted on this man whose interest level is nowhere near that of your "friend".
 licoricecat_1
Joined: 11/23/2008
Msg: 16
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why turn someone you can have into one you cant?
Posted: 1/24/2013 4:25:48 AM
Cut off the sex. Hard but guys have to look at the person instead of the sex when you cut him off. It seems like he does not love you or he is afraid of intimacy or he does not want to get too close because he still wants to play the field. Give him space, which you may have already done but he needs to figure out what he wants. You cannot make him or reason with him to love you. Your probably doing all the right stuff, but when a man decides he will not get too close or get too intimate, he is stubborn and will not change unless he decides that he wants to fit you in his life. If you don't fit in his life and if you are too inconvenient, most men just cut you out. Take your love and love yourself. Don't waste any more time and send an honest letter explaining how you feel to get closure and maybe plant a seed in his heart. Maybe he will learn something.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 17
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why turn someone you can have into one you cant?
Posted: 1/24/2013 4:42:28 AM

how can a man keep saying no by keeping his distance from a woman who he knows loves him
and he loves her?


Many men have turned and walk, despite the pain of not being the with the one they "love",maybe cause, no matter what they say, "love" doesn't always make things the way they should be. Wishes,dreams, and hopes. They don't always work out the way we wish, dream or hope. It happens more than you would think.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 18
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why turn someone you can have into one you cant?
Posted: 1/24/2013 6:17:27 AM
Sometimes love is not enough.

Loving someone doesnt change who you are at the core...so if someone has a lifestyle that just does not agree with mine, we will fight too often, regardless of the love. Sometimes loving someone means letting them go find someone who will love them and agree with them more times than not.
 melodyof_k
Joined: 5/2/2012
Msg: 19
why turn someone you can have into one you cant?
Posted: 1/24/2013 10:09:52 AM
thankyou everyone. (from my friend)
the sex has been off for over a year, NO contact for over a year until a friendly dinner to say hello as it ended mutually.
no sex.
no other important people involved on either part over the year.
alot of bussiness with ill parents and our own illnesses.

lots of growing.
and seeing that this is able to be cut off, ending, to just a slow speed friendship because she loves herself how and sees that it is not worth it to settle for less than the other either wont or cannot give no matter if the other loves you or not.
love alone does not make a good relationship.

This woman knows her needs now. they are not too much to ask for,...however,...only certain types of other people like to relate the way she wants and needs to. and she has meet these people this year while healing. ok.....no more staying away from men ,.....back out after a year and ready to meet a wonderful man who knows how important it is to communicate.

whew....I am feeling empowered, loving, and able to let go of anger and able to see that what i thought was so special...it was,..but not what was healthy or my life, and therefore not his either.
because i cannot only live to please one person.
 melodyof_k
Joined: 5/2/2012
Msg: 20
why turn someone you can have into one you cant?
Posted: 1/24/2013 10:24:05 AM
some of you know me from here and long ago posts. (that was the lol) (who really writes for a friend on here)

i have spent this year healing my heart.
not over only a man, but over children leaving home, empty nest, becoming very physically ill and bedridden,(all within the same time period).
I have worked hard in groups for my emotional health to return and I felt ready after over a year to have a friendly dinner with him.
it turned out ok.
the physical energy was there although I held back. I told him that was not the reason for the dinner and it was to see him and to see if we can become friends.
and I now care about how I feel. I feel that I am a valuable person.
he is valuable too.
but not able to give to the relationship what i need....one of which is clear open communication., mutual respect and value.
I looked at him as he changed the subject of something small and I just realized...wow,.he cannot do this. cannot be completely present.
I felt,....there is something very wrong with one of us,
and I think it is him.
i feel a bit sad,...not teary sad....but I also feel free and after a year of no dating......ready to go on.
i am happy that I took this year and for the many true friends who have walked me along and have added to my life and me to theirs by becoming good support systems for each other.
 melodyof_k
Joined: 5/2/2012
Msg: 21
why turn someone you can have into one you cant?
Posted: 1/24/2013 10:27:43 AM
PS.....I dont want him anymore.
I have love for him.
but this is my life
I have meet too many different kinds of people in support groups this year.
I dont want him. there is almost nothing there . but a long time (5 yr) friendship and memories most of which were good...but not enough.
 jt guy
Joined: 12/24/2008
Msg: 22
why turn someone you can have into one you cant?
Posted: 1/24/2013 11:03:19 AM
OP: I looked at your profile and saw your sad eyes. I do hope there is happiness behind them now. A man or woman is not worth what you have been through. Hang in there and someone will be along soon, who will be sold out on you 100 per cent. The best to you.
 Smarts and Heart
Joined: 12/15/2009
Msg: 23
why turn someone you can have into one you cant?
Posted: 1/24/2013 11:08:54 AM
Melody, we all have our needs and the right to expect those needs be met. Balanced relationships can only exists when both have their needs met. A one sided relationship never works in the long term as you and many of us have come to realize.

Many, many people both male and female are takers. There's something inately wrong within them that doesn't allow them to give back to the ones they supposedly love. I believe it's because they can't love someone else as much as they love themselves. They don't have empathy for the one they supposedly love. It's a form of narcisism.

The reality is that these people find their opposites. What are people called when they have too much empathy for their partner? They're too sensitive to the needs of others; they sacrifice their own needs and requirements to meet those of their loved ones. I think you can see what I'm getting at.

We have to come to terms with our own character flaws and learn to believe that we are worthy of asking and expecting love in return. Learn to see the past the way it really was with the good and the bad. Romanticing a past relationship open us to the continued deprevation of our own needs.

You are a beautiful woman and I can guarantee that there are countless men who would consider themselves honoured and priviledged to love and be loved by you. Give yourself permission to ask in return that which you offer.
 melodyof_k
Joined: 5/2/2012
Msg: 24
why turn someone you can have into one you cant?
Posted: 1/24/2013 11:10:13 AM
hmmmmm.....do you all think I should change the photo?
thankyou jt guy.

the sadness was not over a man....it was more about my youngest leaving the nest. that was soooo hard. But I am beginning to enjoy it now.

yes smarts and hearts. I can see the narcissism now....but it saddens me that some people go though life that way. it is as if they never get it....they cant change because they cannot see it.
but i also am quite aware that it is not my place or expertise to help any of them. I cannot do it. I dont know how. I tired. I failed.

I am happy about the year break I had in relationships. It gave me time to know myself better and to make true friends who i could be my true self with and them with me. we go to a communications skills group and really help speak out what is needed without adding a lot of fluff.

I will try to be thankful for this ex bf from years ago because of the emotional shape I went into over the relationship (which was mutually ended),.but kept open by him)....because of the personal growth it forced me to seek out. I was falling.....and someone handed me a liferope. and I have made it to shore. yay.
 Whisky_River
Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 25
why turn someone you can have into one you cant?
Posted: 1/24/2013 11:37:35 AM
Hugs....It's been over 2 years since I had to walk away....for my self preservation.
I thought...I loved him but it wasn't reciprocated on the level...I wanted.
I could only take into account my feelings....at the time...I will only bang my head against the wall for a short time...lol.
I knew...I could not change him...he didn't get it....He made his choice.

Good for you....for taking the time to heal yourself...many don't!
Btw....my guy had me replaced within 3 months.
Someone...I agreed more suited for his life style....
I wish him luck!
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