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 JudeEm
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 1
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"Vee" relationshipsPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Life contains big surprises. Big. And I've been massively thumped by one just recently. Maybe you can help with comments.

Situation:
I am closest with my ex-, C, as a person. I have no comparably deep or warm friends.
Daily, we tend to spend time together — talking, doing things. . . My ex and I are both very happy with each other, and live separately.
I have been staying single lately. This month he has fallen in love with a traveller (M) who is in the same national social group as he and I.

And he needs — just as I do — to retain the solid goodness that is he and I as walking partners, an ear to share with, and intellectual stimulation and creative things we do in the arts.

Now additionally he needs to be sensitive to M's needs anew. And he is enjoying new relationship euphoria (NRE) and warm fuzzies and s*x.

Like I say, surprise, surprise, I'm in a "Vee" relationship now. I am new to this. I am an anchor in a poly 'Vee'. This comprises he (the Pivot) and the other Anchor, M, who is newly his lover and I who am way, way more than his best friend yet thoroughly non-se*ual [which is a decade-long continuance of the status quo between us].

I ask you for similar life experience stories!

I am open to advice about how to feel less left out. And how to not be envious. I am glad for C that he has M. I wish kindnesses and love. I also need to be assured that I am not being abandoned. I am not a weak person. Au contraire. Still. I could use your comments and stories.

Thank you.
 Whisky_River
Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 2
Vee relationships
Posted: 1/30/2013 5:34:39 PM
Wow...Time to cut those strings.
You aren't together...just friends. You aren't talking about any kind of open relationship are you?
I don't know what you mean by this "vee" thing??
You live seperately.
He is moving on.....
Time for you to do the same....let it go.
Were you just his friend in hopes...he would come back to you???

Lol...kind of close to what supplygoodguy said.....
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 2/24/2012
Msg: 3
Vee relationships
Posted: 1/30/2013 5:37:39 PM
I am close with my ex-husband. We were married a long time, we had a lot of history. Still, no matter how well we got along there was NO WAY I wanted to be back with him. Ever.

Although I was happy he met someone who he could have a satisfying relationship with, I did get a twinge when he hit each of the major milestones with someone else - first Thanksgiving & Christmas 'she' co-hosted the ex's family dinners, first vacation they went on to a place I'd always wanted to go, etc. So, yah, I get it. What I did was 1) always feel happy for him, 2) form my own new relationships of both sexes and stengthen the friendships that I had or had maybe let founder, 3) recognize that his moving on helped me move on too, and 4) whenever I got that twinge I reminded myself of #1. As often as that took.


Life contains big surprises. Big. And I've been massively thumped by one just recently.

How is it a surprise, especially a big one, that your ex found someone new?
 vnufall
Joined: 3/6/2011
Msg: 4
Vee relationships
Posted: 1/30/2013 5:52:52 PM
He's your ex, not your husband or boyfriend. Let him go and move on. Thats the healthiest advice I can give. You won't ever be able to move on until you let go of him.
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 5
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Vee relationships
Posted: 1/30/2013 5:54:47 PM
Well find something else...or someone else to occupy your time.
You may have to, as I hope M doesn't get jealous of the closeness between you
and your ex.

Most folks handle it by completely dropping their ex.
But if you don't feel you need to...
then don't.
Just adjust is all.

Make time and fun for YOU.
:-)
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 6
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Vee relationships
Posted: 1/30/2013 5:56:12 PM
OP: Relationships - lover/friend are fluid. There are no guarantees.

I have a friend who is an international aid worker and met her ex a photojournalist in Sarajevo during the Bosnian war.
They fell in love and lived together for a number of years. They split up because of his depression/ptsd but remained best of friends. He had been single for 10 years after the break up and she had a 3 year relationship with someone. Throughout this period they were best of friends. He works for the UN and would visit her here in Toronto and she would go to NYC to visit him a couple of times a year and they would skype weekly. Last year he met a woman in NYC at an Art Gallery and they ended up getting married 8 months later. My friend was not invited to the wedding and she was told by her ex that he needed to pull back from the way the relationship was because he was now married and his relationship with my friend made his wife uneasy. They are still friends, but very different, they talk less frequently and there is less emotional content to their conversation. THere is nothing right or wrong about this ...it just is.. it unfolded this way and you roll with it. She doesn't regret their friendship nor does she harbour resentment towards his wife or him... she accepts that as time goes by thing change and you adapt.
 tampasmiles
Joined: 11/12/2010
Msg: 7
Vee relationships
Posted: 1/30/2013 5:57:44 PM
Does the other woman see it this way? If I knew that my guy, had a great female friend...but no sex...and I was sure of the no sex part...I would be happy for him...but I would expect the woman to have her own guy sooner or later. I would not see it as a Vee...since there doesn't seem to be any connection at all between you and the other woman...unless that part was left out of your story.

It would seem inevitable that you will feel abandoned if you don't move on find your own guy. They will become more attached if their relationship continues to grow.
 forumitejunkie
Joined: 1/12/2012
Msg: 8
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Vee relationships
Posted: 1/30/2013 6:00:55 PM
I'm not sure that you'll get many similar life stories in this forum...Society is far more comfortable with the "the only good ex is a dead ex" approach than yours....

My ex has been my best friend for nearly 15 yrs...longer now than we were a couple. We see each other weekly (on avg) and talk/email at other times. There is nothing sexual between us, it's not even a thought...the best way I can explain is ---it's as if we'd become siblings, with a deep and abiding liking and caring, but that's that. We've known each other over 30 yrs, we have a long shared history, we trust each other and can count on the other to have our back...100%.

In many ways, what you're experiencing is no different than with any other friend (male or female) who has been the person with whom you mostly pal around with, for yrs, and suddenly has a love interest and far less time for you.

If indeed your relationship is as you've explained, you will not be "abandoned" necessarily, but you will NOT be part of a "V" either. You and the love interest are not at all in similar positions. That is as it should be. The first time I or my ex fell in love (can't recall which of us it was)....there were some issues to be worked out, some conversations to be had, and several adjustments had to be made by both....Not to mention that explanations and reassurances had to be made to the new person, who is always a bit blown away by this kind of situation. And, just so that you're aware...sometimes the new person is simply incapable of coping with it, and if that happens your ex will have to make a choice....and she will likely be it.

Once you fall in love yourself, and/or this has happened a couple of times, it will be easier. If you are genuinely happy that he is happy, that thought should prevail when you have feelings of abandonment...or difficulty accepting you are not at the top of the list anymore....

Best wishes....
 ProcolHarem
Joined: 8/29/2008
Msg: 9
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Vee relationships
Posted: 1/30/2013 6:01:45 PM
Like I say, surprise, surprise, I'm in a "Vee" relationship now.


Wow...I must be the only person here who has no idea what a Vee relationship is.
Help...
I also have no idea what the OP is talking about.
Would someone be gracious enough to dumb it down for me?

Thanks much.

VVV Ah, thanks, but what does the Vee part mean?
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 2/24/2012
Msg: 10
Vee relationships
Posted: 1/30/2013 6:05:59 PM
OP is still best friends with her ex. It is a non-sexual relationship.
Ex just met someone he's now in a sexual relationship with.
OP is worried ex will drop OP now that he has a new gal, or that OP will be jealous of ex and his new gal.
 thewhowhobrokethepot
Joined: 12/16/2011
Msg: 11
Vee relationships
Posted: 1/30/2013 6:15:30 PM
^^^As Cynthia said....

OP, there are relationships of all sorts that one thinks will last for ever, but seldom does that happen...
Nobody has a recipe for you on how to deal with it, and nobody's recipe will work anyway.
Deal with it one day at a time in your own fashion, and the feeling of needing him in your life will fade eventually...
I am sorry you feel this way, but he needs his time with this new flame of his and the thing you have to do is give him space....
 deere_rancher
Joined: 4/4/2012
Msg: 12
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Vee relationships
Posted: 1/30/2013 6:18:00 PM
JudeEm
It happens to all of us , thru life I have continually lost my friends to marriage/ relationship and death
Nothing is going replace a close friend or make it not hurt .. but it helps to keep a large circle of friends and not be so reliant on a few , but this is often difficult
Perhaps it would be a good time to take a trip, cruise , or an extended visit with family or friends ?
your routine and activities can wait.

Maybe it wasn't a good thing , to keep your feelings (and sex) from your ex ...?
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 13
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Vee relationships
Posted: 1/30/2013 6:18:16 PM

Wow...I must be the only person here who has no idea what a Vee relationship is.
Help...
I also have no idea what the OP is talking about.
Would someone be gracious enough to dumb it down for me?
Thanks much.
VVV Ah, thanks, but what does the Vee part mean?


ProcolH, help me out here.

We are all on the interent, the greatest source of information the world has ever known in its entire history.

Google Vee relationships, you will find an explanation, it's about being part of a Polyamorous group.

Why didn't you do that? Often people ask this sort of question when the answer is a mouse click away.
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 14
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Vee relationships
Posted: 1/30/2013 6:21:04 PM
Well silly me.
I thought it was a Dutch thing.

It doesn't sound Polyamorous if sex is not happening among all the parties.
Sounds more like friends...and one of them is dating.
Maybe it should be called a 3rd wheel relationship.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 15
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Vee relationships
Posted: 1/30/2013 6:33:55 PM

It doesn't sound Polyamorous if sex is not happening among all the parties.
Sounds more like friends...and one of them is dating.
Maybe it should be called a 3rd wheel relationship.


Agreed. She says there's no sex involved, for a decade... honestly it somewhat sounds to me like they've both been using each other to avoid a real relationship/commitment to anyone else - and now suddenly he's dating someone and she feels like the '3rd wheel' and it's changed things - as it SHOULD, mind you.

There is nothing "poly" about that, "polyamorous" would be more like an "open relationship", ie, him sleeping with both of them and both being ok with that. She's the '3rd wheel' in a friendship when the other person finds someone.

I'm sure at your age this has happened before with other friends, OP - friends who maybe got in relationships or got married and drifted away a bit, etc... and maybe you eventually lost touch. It's just part of life. Dunno all that much about what my own ex's are doing these days, don't really care (although one was in the local paper a few months back, so I can't totally say I know nothing, but I wasn't trying to know what was going on - it just happened to be a news story).
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 16
Vee relationships
Posted: 1/30/2013 6:47:55 PM
I have no experience in this area and wouldn’t presume to advise. But one thing that works for me is structure. Something regular on the calendar. We can’t structure feelings or intimacy or bonds – that I know of. But time is the money of love.
Will the traveller be staying? Yes or no, it’s too soon to know the longevity of their part of the V. It’s you and he that have the shared history. And she and he who have the passion. You are tortoise to her hare.

And you are real walking partners, I take it – that wasn’t a metaphor? I’d want to keep that up. But also, you’re fellow pilgrims, spiritual companions if you please. You’ll both feel a little vacuum in that space, I suspect. His time and energy will be occupied in other ways, but she can’t know him so deeply as you do in such a short time.
One possible scenario that occurs (again, no experience) would have you both pull away enough to allow the other to establish new routines, but maintaining regular contact – at least some of it spent nurturing your relationship (not just about walking, the arts, group things).

You say you’re new to this so I’m wondering if this is his first serious relationship since you ‘split’ and how you coped [continued status quo?] other times or how he coped when you were with others. And whether you have somewhat of a support network from those times.
And whether she is maintaining other relationships. And whether they (C&M) are co-habiting, and whether he and you are all she has here. And how you get on with her and whether you expect or desire to become close friends. Or whether that plays a role in the ‘left out and abandoned’ issues at hand, etc. Maybe involvement/integration in her new community would moderate her dependence on him and you somewhat?

You know I always hate a ‘quick, pick one’ type exercise but if you had to name one (or two or three) things in your relationship that are most precious to you and had to jettison some of the rest for now, time being limited, it may be worth a thought. Happy new year (chagrin).
 pescando75
Joined: 3/23/2012
Msg: 17
Vee relationships
Posted: 1/30/2013 6:48:43 PM
There's no "VEE" here. You are essentially inviting yourself into his new relationship. KNOCK IT OFF.
I'd say it looks more like an "H," as in "Hijacking your ex's new relationship."
Give them the space they need to develop their relationship, not immediately figure out how you can wedge yourself between them. That's rather presumptuous of you, honestly. You seem to already have issues with a reduced role with your friend, but that is what happens when a person enters a relationship. (And I feel you are much too old for me to be telling you this??)
 Zermatt
Joined: 1/8/2006
Msg: 18
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Vee relationships
Posted: 1/30/2013 6:56:12 PM
Many insightful replies above, especially the first 3 or 4...

OP needs to ask herself whatever in the world is in it for her, being involved in this thing? Friendships evolve and change, and my my, now that this guy has a new friend who listens to all his crap AND has sex with him, where is the surprise?

Just wait till they break up, he will be calling and crying on her shoulder, but really. Is this what OP wants.

I like the young stud idea. God knows there are plenty of them. Don't worry, be happy.

And when he calls back, say, "Who?"
 relaxingwithyou
Joined: 12/2/2012
Msg: 19
Vee relationships
Posted: 1/30/2013 7:08:10 PM
You're a very sad sad little woman.


Supplygoodguy is actually quite brilliant delivering her wisdom and insight with great humor. I was rasied in the south, formal upbringing, and it is considered the height of disrespect there to maintain a friendship with an ex while in relationship. When the new relationship starts, all old cords are cut including communication. So how does it go from being so disrespectful to being ok? Narcissism or denial...take your pick, or both it the shoe fits.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 20
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Vee relationships
Posted: 1/30/2013 7:16:37 PM

OP needs to ask herself whatever in the world is in it for her, being involved in this thing? Friendships evolve and change, and my my, now that this guy has a new friend who listens to all his crap AND has sex with him, where is the surprise?

Just wait till they break up, he will be calling and crying on her shoulder, but really. Is this what OP wants.


As, I'm sure, if the OP has been in relationships in the last decade, she's probably done to him. She just doesn't like it too much in reverse.
 Pinky127
Joined: 1/7/2012
Msg: 21
Vee relationships
Posted: 1/30/2013 7:22:20 PM

I am closest with my ex-, C, as a person. I have no comparably deep or warm friends.
Daily, we tend to spend time together — talking, doing things.


Op,i think this is the first thing that struck *me* - the fact you're in contact with your ex DAILY????
I am also very close to my ex who was a part of my life for nearly 20 years but there's no way known id want to be in contact with him DAILY?
That,to me,seems a bit excessive and i have to wonder why you'd even want to see/talk/be with him on a daily basis?
I think you haven't reached the stage of being "healthily apathetic" to him,ie: you're far 'too involved'.

My advice would be to broaden your social circle even more and meet another man,Op and be with him DAILY.
Good luck
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 22
Vee relationships
Posted: 1/30/2013 8:01:55 PM

OP needs to ask herself whatever in the world is in it for her, being involved in this thing? Friendships evolve and change, and my my, now that this guy has a new friend who listens to all his crap AND has sex with him, where is the surprise?

Just wait till they break up, he will be calling and crying on her shoulder, but really. Is this what OP wants.

I like the young stud idea. God knows there are plenty of them. Don't worry, be happy.

And when he calls back, say, "Who?"


You make C out to be the villain. I don't see where he did anything out-of-line.
 relaxingwithyou
Joined: 12/2/2012
Msg: 23
Vee relationships
Posted: 1/30/2013 8:39:08 PM
^^^ "C" is the controlling point of this sordid triangle.lol. If he wasn't a pig he would respect his new girlfriend by distancing himself emotionally from his ex the OP.
 Mikare
Joined: 11/6/2012
Msg: 24
Vee relationships
Posted: 1/30/2013 10:07:14 PM
I had an experience recently with a man who spends most of his time with an ex. She seemed lovely and we all hung out together on the date..... I couldn't help but notice what a huge part of his life she was, and what an adjustment he would have to make if he entered into a new relationship that did not include her. She often sleeps on his couch and helps him cook and decorate the home they once shared as a couple. I cannot imagine a sexual relationship with this man as there would be no privacy. I do not believe they have moved on....
 PittsburghVixen
Joined: 12/9/2012
Msg: 25
Vee relationships
Posted: 1/31/2013 12:06:47 AM
OP, there are a lot of people who do not believe that anyone can or should be friendly with an ex, and there are also people who don't even believe that a man and woman can truly be friends without having sex with each other (if both are straight). Obviously you disagree with both of those beliefs, as do I, but consider that a lot of the advice you receive here will be from people who believe that way.

As to feeling left out and envious - if this happened with your best female friend, you might feel the same way. Suddenly she is spending a lot of time with and focusing on her new man; they're very happy and she's not as available to you even though you're used to getting together daily. So what would you do? You'd find other things to do and you'd try to meet other people to cultivate new friendships, or perhaps reconnect with others you've known.

Also, I find that it helps to examine what you consider the worst-case scenario - which in this case, might mean that you ARE abandoned - and think about how you would deal with it, and face that you might have to deal with it. Then if it does happen, you are prepared, strong and ready to move on. If it doesn't happen, you know that you COULD deal with it. That's a great feeling.

Good luck.
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