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 rainbowcolors
Joined: 8/19/2011
Msg: 1
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Overcoming contempt Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Is this possible? Does this often break people up? Is this feeling 'right' or 'wrong' (it is said feelings are always right)? How does a person overcome this? Is contempt and disdain the same thing?

Since threads are countlessly getting deleted for 'attention seeking', I am unable to provide my details but am hoping some can share some stories where they felt this way - and overcame it.
 Proteaus
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 2
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Overcoming contempt
Posted: 3/27/2013 7:47:00 AM
If some one has disdain or contempt for another person , it is pretty obvious they are not a match . When you look one of those words up it refers to the other , so they are pretty similar .
 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
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Overcoming contempt
Posted: 3/27/2013 7:53:15 AM
I don't think you can overcome it in someone else, only - perhaps - in yourself, if you have it for someone else, and for a poor reason.

Contempt is one of the main predictors of relationship failure (see "Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell).
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 4
Overcoming contempt
Posted: 3/27/2013 7:54:17 AM
It would certainly be a deal-breaker if I felt contempt for someone.

Contempt would be the feeling resulting from thinking a person's actions are immoral or somehow simply unjustifiable. It is often, for good or ill, the feeling we derive from making judgments

Now, if someone makes judgments about superficial things,"I feel contempt for women who are not slim," they are simply revealing something unpleasant about themselves.

When someone feels contempt about something a person has done that has negative effect on others, the judgment may be more rational: "By sleeping with another man and putting me at risk for STDs, she has earned my contempt."

Can a relationship recover from it? Of course--if either person changes dramatically.
 dobbie101
Joined: 1/24/2011
Msg: 5
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Overcoming contempt
Posted: 3/27/2013 9:02:42 AM
If...
If a relationship is in a weird contempt/disdain mode then perhaps pistols at dawn is the best answer.
How is it possible to hold another person in your arms and yet feel contempt for them. Hypocrisy?
Prejudices and biases against the person one is supposedly in a relationship with can only promote further bitterness and hatred. How could there be any thing of value here? Some relationship.
Pistols at dawn. No...pistols anytime.
 Midwest_Southwest
Joined: 9/9/2012
Msg: 6
Overcoming contempt
Posted: 3/27/2013 9:56:47 AM
Contempt is one of the “four horsemen of the apocalypse” of divorce, according to John Gotttman, who studies why marriage fail and why they succeed.

I agree with ForRumOnly, you can overcome it only in yourself. I think it boils down to taking the microscope off the other person, looking hard at yourself and examining why you’re unwilling to accept your partner as he or she is.
 tickle_me_pank
Joined: 9/6/2012
Msg: 7
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Overcoming contempt
Posted: 3/27/2013 9:58:50 AM
Yes, I had contempt for my husband so I overcame it completely by divorcing him.
 Roth1960
Joined: 3/16/2013
Msg: 8
Overcoming contempt
Posted: 3/27/2013 10:01:31 AM
Everyone is correct, It only effects you and not the other person. Let it go and enjoy your life!!
Roth
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
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Overcoming contempt
Posted: 3/27/2013 10:11:57 AM
The one thing not pointed out so far is, that "contempt" or "disdain" are very often ego-protecting covers for other more important and revealing problems. The reason why contempt or disdain so often cause the end of relationships, can be because they ARE disguises, and are good enough disguises, that everything is over long before the true reasons for the problems are recognized.

For example, contempt is often a self-protective front that a person puts up, because they don't understand the other person in some important way, and fear either the person themselves, or they fear accidental damage to themselves as a result of the confusing differences they perceive. This is expressed as contempt, because that works both to drive the other person a safe distance away physically and emotionally, and it does so in a self-reinforcing manner.

That sort of contempt can be "overcome," with effort from both sides. The person being unfairly treated must be able to see through the other's fears, and forgive them a certain amount. The person who is contemptuous of the other, must desire not to be, and be willing to put in the work needed to define why they have fear or anger associated with the other, and to find ways to deal with it appropriately.
 LiterateHiker
Joined: 11/30/2012
Msg: 10
Overcoming contempt
Posted: 3/27/2013 10:15:40 AM
Why on earth would you date a person you find contemptible?
 rainbowcolors
Joined: 8/19/2011
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Overcoming contempt
Posted: 3/28/2013 7:59:49 AM

That sort of contempt can be "overcome," with effort from both sides. The person being unfairly treated must be able to see through the other's fears, and forgive them a certain amount. The person who is contemptuous of the other, must desire not to be, and be willing to put in the work needed to define why they have fear or anger associated with the other, and to find ways to deal with it appropriately.
Good points made here. Thanks.
 charliesmom21
Joined: 6/22/2009
Msg: 12
Overcoming contempt
Posted: 3/28/2013 8:44:42 AM
No one should ever say feelings are wrong.. its only the actions or behaviors that follow than can be right or wrong. if one feels disdain or contempt for another.. this is obviously not a good match. If this is how you feel, you either need help working through those feelings or you need to move on.. JMHO
 karlove
Joined: 3/22/2011
Msg: 13
Overcoming contempt
Posted: 3/28/2013 9:06:43 AM
Feelings are feelings, and your first response to anything is the most sincere and possibly the worst reaction that motivates you. That may not be good but it is sincere and since you are a living breathing person you cannot stop having feelings unless of course people call you Spock. Contempt and disdain very negative traits of they are traits and basically that person is unworthy of you and you need to develope a positive mindset to overcome it.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 14
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Overcoming contempt
Posted: 3/28/2013 9:11:03 AM
POF brings you another segment of Sesame Street, where the letter for today is the letter C, such as in the word Contempt. Tomorrow, we will study the letter D and words that start with that.
 rainbowcolors
Joined: 8/19/2011
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Overcoming contempt
Posted: 6/19/2014 8:39:58 AM

POF brings you another segment of Sesame Street, where the letter for today is the letter C, such as in the word Contempt. Tomorrow, we will study the letter D and words that start with that.


Not sure what you're intent was here when you wrote this (sarcasm, humour?). But it made me giggle out loud.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
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Overcoming contempt
Posted: 6/19/2014 9:12:56 AM
Not sure on which side the 'contempt' is, but it is a pretty lousy way to feel about someone. I'd walk.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
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Overcoming contempt
Posted: 6/19/2014 10:49:57 AM
Contempt an distain are two separate feelings. Both are very negative and self destructive. Yet both are the result of NOT doing what needed to be done about it at a particular moment in the relationship. Contempt happens when for whatever reason we allow some boundary to be crossed and after that we seem to be stuck in that modus operanda with that person. This emotion is lethal because it eats you up from the inside. It brings your immune system down. It brings your ability to love and to trust down. The problem with it, is that many times there is no way out of it, but to end your relationship with that person. To walk away and begin a healing process.

At that point, distain may settle in. However, distain, or hate, or whatever other negative emotion you have for that person will still eat you alive. But now you can work on the process of putting it in context, creating distance, healing in the inside. There should be a point where you can find a way to bring closure and remove the distain you felt, for if anything a feeling of apathy, or irrelevance. Eventually you can even find, forgiveness.
 tickle_me_pank
Joined: 9/6/2012
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Overcoming contempt
Posted: 6/19/2014 12:00:08 PM
Anytime I ever felt anything like contempt or disdain for my partner, the relationship was over. And I never felt that way unless something happened that made me lose respect for him and/or seriously question his character or judgment. It's only happened twice.

The first time, he was abusive. The second guy and I were having one of our political discussions, and he was imperiously indifferent about the shooting of unarmed students at Kent State. He actually said they deserved it. There isn't too much that shocks me at this point, but that sure did.

Pfft, I never wanted to keep a relationship badly enough to overcome something as negative as contempt or disdain. At that point, they were persona non grata, the end.

But I do like the idea of pistols at dawn.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
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Overcoming contempt
Posted: 6/19/2014 12:09:11 PM
It would depend on why I felt that way about someone, certainly if my feeling is valid, getting away from the person would be the best answer. Why sit around fuming about something you can't change and badger someone you feel such passionate hate toward? If I was the problem and my feelings were not valid, I'd get professional help instead of spending my life in wasted mental masturbation.

Of course feelings can be wrong, it would depend on how well your mind is working, what is pushing you toward contempt against another, and old cliches sayings do not make something true. If you are feeling such seething hate toward another and you are wrong about why, then your feeling of contempt is wrong.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
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Overcoming contempt
Posted: 6/19/2014 5:25:08 PM
I have experienced someone I loved, who I thought loved me, revealing that they had utter contempt for me, and disdain for my feelings. It was the worst time of life that I have ever had to go through.

There is no way in Hell, Heaven, or in between, that that kind of contempt or disdain can ever be overcome. The fact that someone EVER could think that little of me, means two things:

one, if I stay and try to tolerate it, they will never respect me ever. In fact, they will respect me LESS because I stayed and took their abuse. I know, because I tried to do so the first time I experienced it.

two, I can never forgive THEM. I can never trust them to regard me, or anyone else, as their equals. And I have found that that is the core, most fundamental requirement for me to allow anyone to have a part in my life.

The few people I have discovered that I have disdain or contempt for, have all been rapacious and self-indulgent to the extreme. And again, no, there is no way that they can overcome MY contempt, save by having a genuine epiphany, and dedicating themselves to reversing their contemptible behavior for every remaining moment of their lives. Even then, I will probably never trust them myself.

Nor have I ever known anyone who ever recovered from REAL contempt or disdain. I have, of course, run across many examples of mistaken judgments, that's different. Thinking someone is a cheating swine, and finding out that they are nothing of the kind, causes the contempt to vanish as if it were never even a wisp of a thought.
 WALK4ESTWALK
Joined: 3/16/2014
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Overcoming contempt
Posted: 6/19/2014 7:00:16 PM
Does this often break people up?
Don't really know, but I'd guess not. A relationship should end long before it reaches this point. The real question is can people stay together under these conditions. I'd hope not.

Is this feeling right or wrong?
IMO, no one should treat another wrongly.

How does a person overome this?
Removing it from your life.

Is contemt and disdain the same thing?
Distain is defined as to look upon with contempt. Different, but included.

Don't have any stories to share. I've never been around people like that.
 sigungq
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 22
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Overcoming contempt
Posted: 6/20/2014 1:56:46 PM
OP, I think the way to overcome contempt is through forgiveness. However, let me qualify that by saying that to forgive is right, but to allow yourself to be put into the same position to be wronged again is foolishness.

In other words, if I find myself in a situation whereby someone has done me wrong, I will forgive, but I will not put myself into the same situation again.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
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Overcoming contempt
Posted: 6/21/2014 7:31:26 AM
I'm sorry, but having the words "contempt" and/or "disdain" in the same sentence as "relationship" seems like a pretty significant dissonance, anyway IMO.

Ok, maybe a very short-term, situationally based incident can be dealt with and overcome, but a romantic type relationship or even a meaningful friendship where there is an ongoing contempt /disdain emotion going on, doesn't soumd like something I'd care to participate in.
Cindy O
 benartflick
Joined: 3/8/2012
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Overcoming contempt
Posted: 6/21/2014 9:09:17 AM
Hi Rainbow,

One of several definitions I found is, "The feeling or attitude of regarding someone as inferior."

That might NOT be that rare in relationships as most here are suggesting.

Discussion wise it helps to know in what way one is inferior in one's mind: appearance, education, social status, wealth, better golfer, etc. etc.

I knew a guy who believed he was superior to his girlfriend. He treated her poorly and was very condescending to her in front of others. She had a slight speech impediment that made her appear to be somewhat dim-witted but she wasn't (kinda like Bush but, perhaps, that's debatable.) She was overweight and not attractive.

He died, at 37, a month after she dumped him. His mother found his body on the kitchen floor in front of an open refrigerator door Christmas morning. No autopsy. I suspect he drank himself to death. Don't know. A broken heart - maybe?


To answer your questions about having contempt for the person you're dating or thinking about dating is difficult when I'm not sure of what definition you're thinking about.

I guess you have contempt for the one you're dating or thinking about dating. Is it possible he's a Republican and you're a Democratic? If so, possible to overcome. A Kennedy did it for many years.
 OrionMountainDreamer
Joined: 2/12/2012
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Overcoming contempt
Posted: 6/26/2014 8:28:36 AM
I'd say the word "discernment" is more apropos. I try to
see the good in everyone, but sorry to say sometimes
It just isn't there. Trust your gut.
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