| Getting References Before Entering A Serious Relationship or Marriage
Posted: 11/11/2004 2:05:07 PM | Has anyone thought about getting references from your love before entering a serious relationship or marriage? In the US, last I heard was 60% of marriages end in divorce. Wouldn’t it help in selecting a good mate to know a little bit about their past from former lovers?
I know this may sound a little “business like”, but seriously, what do you think? | |
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| Getting References Before Entering A Serious Relationship or Marriage
Posted: 11/11/2004 2:17:42 PM | | Ick references lol sounds like she had to apply for a job to get your love. I'd say no to the references, why get information from past relationships? The past is the past, its over and done with, the girl your about to enter a relationship may have changed quite considerbly since then and maybe learned something if she made a mistake the last relationship she was in. | |
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| Getting References Before Entering A Serious Relationship or Marriage
Posted: 11/11/2004 5:38:02 PM | hey , it may not be a bad idea! i was with my ex-boyfriend for 4 1/2 years, and (i had met his ex-wife at the beginning of our relationship)... At about 2 yrs. into our relationship, her & i were talking on the phone about the girls,(his kids) and the subject of relationships/marriage/stuff came up and she said " i just HAD to get out of the marriage" and his Sister told me (at a years' time!) that "He's gonna end up alone"... foresight vs. hindsight?!? they were both right... i tried, but the motive & goals & attitudes about everyday life were to vast...
HHhhmmm, maybe at least a Criminal background check! or a blood test?! ew... 
Later, and hugs to all, | |
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| Getting References Before Entering A Serious Relationship or Marriage
Posted: 11/11/2004 8:24:28 PM |
what an intriguing concept actually. but i don't know how you'd do that... i mean, you cannot realistically contact exes. i mean, they're an EX for a reason. i can't imagine THAT being a very good reference!
The purpose of contacting the ex is to get "the other side's opinion." For every breakup, there are two sides of the story. If you ex's new lover contacted you and asked a few questions about your falling out, would you be willing to answer them? I probably would share my perspectives. Thoughts? | |
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| Getting References Before Entering A Serious Relationship or Marriage
Posted: 11/11/2004 8:33:34 PM | well, my ex isn't a good example. she's a man-eater unfortunately... so bad that even my son won't have much to do with her... so there will never be another "lover" in her life...
be that as it may, i still don't really get it. why would someone put down an EX as a reference in the first place? on the opposite side, i can't imagine an EX that would be willing to talk to a new lover. IF my ex had a new lover and he contacted me, i'd tell him to get lost... | |
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Sundog
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Joined: 8/23/2004
Msg: 11 | |
| Getting References Before Entering A Serious Relationship or Marriage
Posted: 11/11/2004 8:37:52 PM | | My Ex made me get a criminal record check before we moved in together... she has three kids and wanted to know that I wasn't some kind of pervert. We went down to the police station and paid 30 bucks or something to print out my record (or lack thereof). The cop said he never had anyone do that and thought it was odd. But I think it's a good idea for single Mon's out there... there are some sick men out there that would target single Moms to get at their kids.... If any man objected to it you should wonder about him. | |
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| Getting References Before Entering A Serious Relationship or Marriage
Posted: 11/11/2004 10:12:03 PM | Depends on the lover. People can fundamentally change after losing someone, at least I know I have. SO, anything that past person has to say would most likely have no trace of my present self on it. My past girlfirend says she barely recognizes the man I am now, both physically and mentally.
Views from other sides can taint things, and cause doubt and fear if your not extremely open to listening to those kinds of things.
I say learn all you can from the person. If your really doing your homework right, you won't miss anything. Just be observant. It's amazing what WON'T slip by you when just listen closely and watch body language. | |
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| Getting References Before Entering A Serious Relationship or Marriage
Posted: 11/11/2004 10:34:50 PM | Puppy_Love: Wouldn’t it help in selecting a good mate to know a little bit about their past from former lovers?
Nah, that's Ok. I'll pass on the Ex' lies ... lol ......j/k
But I'll throw in the towel anyways so one can get it straight from the Horse's mouth:
* Pocketed a 'Milky-Way' Candy bar in 1967.
* Caught a guinea pig in a grass field and failed to alert the Authorities in 1968.
* Hucked empty Bottles out the windows of an 'Under Construction' Skyscraper in 1969.
* Grabbed some empties from Receiving Dock and went into store to return the bottles for a refund in 1971.
* Kaboose-Towed (3) uninsured & unplated 'Honda Civics' at night from near Detroit to Toronto in 1975.
* Let a VW bug drive itself into a 2" thick frozen River in 1978.
But I agree, by all means, if things get serious, do insist on a Criminal Background Check. If assurance needs to be given, and your other half has nothing to hide, he/she should'nt have any issues with it. But talking to any Ex's I consider a highly inappropriate and somewhat offensive request. | |
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| Getting References Before Entering A Serious Relationship or Marriage
Posted: 11/12/2004 4:05:35 PM |
i still don't really get it. why would someone put down an EX as a reference in the first place?
It is not that your new lover lists an EX as a reference. It is more investigative work (with your new lover's knowledge), so that you know what you are getting into. Almost everyone who gets out a relationship claims that it was the other person's faults. There is always two sides to every story. If you new lover has a history of infidelity, did drugs, has a criminal record, etc, wouldn't you want to know? Wouldn't a former lover be a good source for such information? | |
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yna6
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Joined: 5/2/2004
Msg: 16 | |
| Getting References Before Entering A Serious Relationship or Marriage
Posted: 11/12/2004 7:46:31 PM | Lot of "new businesses" opening up that do nothing but check out your new "playmate". Costs $$$...but some say they swear by it...eliminates a lot of the "players" and also lets you know if/when they are lying.
If I had to do it? No way....wouldn't be doing no checks on them. I'd find out all I want to know given the time to get to know them first.
Heard of a guy banging a sign up on his front yard saying "Wife wanted"....he got a lot of replies. His dating consisted of a written "test" they had to fill out to see if they'd fit his lifestyle. Even a few married ones applied, including a neighbour! Guy had a good idea...weeding them out and having them come to him. Guess it worked for him. | |
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| Getting References Before Entering A Serious Relationship or Marriage
Posted: 11/28/2004 7:10:13 AM | I'm not afraid of that. I'd actually get some pretty good references. One actually offered! lol! "Really nice guy who always made me feel special and is great in bed!"
Or maybe she was just trying to boost my self-asteem. Who knows. ;)
Just because the relationship didn't work out doesn't mean you were a bad person. | |
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| Getting References Before Entering A Serious Relationship or Marriage
Posted: 11/30/2004 11:34:22 PM | I would not care to check up on his past. If I feel the need that I would have to do this, and I cannot trust his word, then I should not be with him, what kind of relationship is that? Everyone makes mistakes, everyone has a history regardless of what it may be, that is that.
My two cents.  | |
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| Getting References Before Entering A Serious Relationship or Marriage
Posted: 5/7/2005 1:10:24 AM | | I am not sure there is a valid way to get 'references' as to a persons character. You can see bits and pieces into one's past with a credit check, or a criminal background check. However, all you can tell with that is what a person was at one time, not who they currently are. As for the question brought up of asking former lovers/bfs/gfs about the relationship - keep in mind their opinion is not always the full one. At times it's accurate, because the two people are still pals/friends ... in other cases, things ended in a bitter fashion, and they are likely to tell only the negative side of things, without the good.... if it would make you feel better, sure get a credit check... but in my book, it isn't the final say by far. | |
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| Getting References Before Entering A Serious Relationship or Marriage
Posted: 5/7/2005 9:21:13 AM | | sounds like a prenup on a relationship. why would i rate her on past relationships if the referances are from cheating ***holes? how do we know the relationships didn't end in spite for whatever reason. Human nature and vengance are scary when it comes to past love. If they make you feel good who cares how they made others feel. I like offensive women alot of times, they're just scaring off the spineless losers so basing a relationship on her past relationships might be a bad idea, cause i can handle the bluntness better. | |
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| Getting References Before Entering A Serious Relationship or Marriage
Posted: 5/7/2005 9:54:26 AM | The reason so many marriages end in divorce is becuase people foolishly rush into it, and never really bother to take their vows seriously. Marriage used to be taken seriously, now it is a joke, as people marry and divorce at alarming rates as soon as they get the feeling the grass might be greener on the other side. The fact is that most things can be worked out with a little work. For me personally, the only dealbreakers are abuse or adultery. Everything else can be fixed if both partners are willing.
If you take the time to date and truly learn everything you can about your partner, then you certainly don't need "references". | |
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| Getting References Before Entering A Serious Relationship or Marriage
Posted: 5/7/2005 10:24:30 AM | So if a person grows, changes and becomes a different person (not saying bad, just different) and common values, goals and desires are no longer shared, are you saying they should just stay irregardless? Even when there is not real relationship anymore?
I think references are a bad idea. There are three sides to every story and you would only be getting one of the three. A better idea is to just evaluate the potential for a good relationship based on how they treat you and how they treat others. It's all a crap shoot anyways, people can change. | |
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| Getting References Before Entering A Serious Relationship or Marriage
Posted: 5/7/2005 11:04:14 AM | ha ha ha, it is a great idea on paper, but I am afraid when reality sinks in on sucha theory, it would sink faster than the Titanic.
This would require people to be honest and forthright. And that ain't gonna happen.
I have indeed thought of such things in the past and if I could have, I'd have gotten ahold of my ex g/f's former and ask him a few questions that may very well have helped save me some time and frustrations. | |
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