| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/6/2005 10:37:05 PM | I don't know if I am posting in the correct place, so forgive me if I'm not.
Okay. My ex has a new girlfriend, that I met last week while exchanging our kids. I no longer care for the man like I used to. My little dilemma is - he has a tendency to abuse women, both physically and mentally. It wasn't just me that he did this to. He did this to his 2 prior wives also. I just don't want her to get hurt like I did. I know some people change, but I really don't believe he is capable of changing that fast.
Should I warn her of this, or just leave it alone? The last time, I tried to speak up - no one believed me until it was too late. | |
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r324
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Joined: 7/13/2005
Msg: 2 | |
| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/6/2005 10:42:57 PM | She should know...but not from you. Send an anonymous email/mail to warn her. Coming from you, it would sound like jealousy and she will not take you serious...if anything, she will be insulted. | |
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| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/6/2005 10:44:14 PM | dart: Wouldn't want to be in your shoes at all. Moral dillema for sure. Maybe there is a way to bring it up casually that would make it seem as though it is not jealousy (because it will more than likely be perceived that way.) You really have to ask yourself "Would you want someone to tell you and secondly would you believe them?"
Good luck with this situation.
P.S. I'm assuming he has never hurt the children. | |
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| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/6/2005 10:46:47 PM | Eesh...she is an adult right? And she is responsible for her choices right? I can understand your concern for her.
This happened to me with one of my ex's. His ex wife and I knew each other somewhat but she never told me anything. Later, when we finally got to talking because our daughters are half sisters and we want to keep their relationship going, she confessed to me that she knew it wasn't going to work because she knew how abusive he was. She also told me that she knew about his gambling addiction (which I had no idea about till the 3rd year of our relationship when things got really bad) and I was flabberghasted.
She said that she chose not to tell me just in case he had changed his ways and it is different with each person. Mind you, if she had told me right off, I'll just bet that I would have defended him as he had told me some really nasty things about her (which by the way weren't true as I found out later) and he ended up doing the same thing with me.
I really don't know what to tell you on this one. I think men who abuse are scumbags and deserve a good swift kick in the nuts...and I'll personally deliver next time around. They can count on that. Agencies and others associations do very little to protect women from these predators with their big promises and poor performance.
Some are really good con artists. | |
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| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/6/2005 10:50:39 PM | Definitely need to find a way to tell her..be it directly or indirectly....if she choses to ignore it.....then the problem lies with her. Personally, if an ex of the man I was now with, sat me down and explained it all to me...while I would certainly have some reservations on why she is telling me...I would not discount it. If you go about it the right way when you talk to her about it...then while she may not fully believe you..it will certainly leave her with food for thought. She may start noticing things herself..or start asking her own questions and if there is any doubt towards him in her mind....she will believe you.
If she doesn't, then so be it..the hard way it will have to be...or you can hope he really has changed....either way...least your conscience is laid to rest. | |
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| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/6/2005 11:03:27 PM | I have only met this girl one time, and I have no idea on how to get ahold of her. And, blastkist, I was warned by his first ex wife, when I was pregnant with our oldest son. I was also warned about how he was from others. I didn't believe her, or my friends, like the fool that I was, I defended him, and I turned my back on my friends for him. What is so bad is that when we went to court regarding Domestic Violence, I told the judge that I started it so he wouldn't get into trouble. We have been back 2 other times since, and I've tried to be honest, and tell them the truth this time, but it has backfired. I think the judicial system sucks!!!! I just don't want to see her hurt the way that I was. He is very manipulative.
How could I go about trying to warn her without her thinking that I'm just jealous? | |
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r324
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Joined: 7/13/2005
Msg: 7 | |
| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/6/2005 11:12:08 PM | | I don't know how you can warn her without thinking your jealous...but you have an obligation to at least try. It is the right thing to do. | |
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| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/6/2005 11:17:48 PM | So it is my obligation? Okay. How would I get to tell her when he is around? She has to do the driving for him because he lost his license. What a loser. 
That is not a jab at people who do not have the licenses. Only a jab towards him for being so dumb as to drive on suspended license and not show up for court. | |
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| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/6/2005 11:52:58 PM | Dart, I think the anonymous letter is a great idea. I'd be concerned for her for sure, especially if he's had no kind of treatment for his behaviour. I mean obviously being a repeat offender on this , the guy hasn't learned any lessons yet.
It's your call...just be sure that she doesn't tell him...or all shit will h it the fan, she's got her life to consider too and her wellbeing. | |
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| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/7/2005 12:55:48 AM | | That's what I'm afraid of. She will tell him and youre right, "Shit will hit the fan." And, it won't be good for me. I'm scared of any confrontation with him as it is. | |
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| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/7/2005 1:42:32 AM | So he has abused 3 women so far, and is shacking up with a 4th one.
You said nothing came out of going to court. For ... various reasons. Has he ever had to answer for his actions or does he just go scot-free each and every time ?
I will not presume to "judge" women who suffer abuse, especially mothers who have their children in mind, but God ! I wish they would make abusive husbands pay like the **stards that they are.
If I ever heard that my ex-girlfriend was being abused by her new bf, I ........... !!!
No. I would not. I would talk to the police. Obviously. | |
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| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/7/2005 2:21:20 AM | op, if ya'll went to court then there are judicial records...you can mail copies of these to her anonymously....or go into yer local sherrif dept website and send a copy of his file to her if it lists domestic violence on it.......she should be warned..........but statistics prove that even women who are warned often become victims.....an its not uncommon fer tha abuser to portray himself as tha victim...often even connin tha real victim to cover fer him...so dont feel too bad about takin tha rap before........another thing to send her would be some of those flyers that domestic violence groups put out.........
.......ya know, if yer still scared of confrontations with him...it would prolly help you to be going to tha local meetings for tha victims ...i went fer 2 years after i got away......thas where i saw it was my strength that attracted him........i thought it was because i was weak ...but they just wanna own tha strength they see in others....the meetings do help... | |
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| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/7/2005 3:02:23 AM | | Oh wow...this is a tough call....you know she won't believe you...I don't know how you could send an anonymous email that wouldn't sound like it came from you somehow....or at least point in your direction. It would be nice if you could. You don't know anything about her or any of her friends (who could tell her). If you can find a way to convey your message without it coming back to you...all that would have to said is for her "to watch for any red flags" from him. Depending if she's been through any of this before she might pick up on something he says or does before it actually gets out of hand....otherwise I guess she's going to have to find out for herself. At this point your major concern has to be you and the children. What a terrible situation to be in and I'm sure glad you got out of it, been there, done that. Good luck hon. | |
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joe46
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Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 14 | |
| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/7/2005 3:31:24 AM | | ask for her e-mail address.....then send her an e-mail under another e-mail name,so she want know who u are....If this man is an abusive person then someone need to stop him. cuz it keep going on and on until someone is dead one day. | |
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| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/7/2005 4:05:12 AM | | My exs first wife tried to tell me how it was with him and I was too stupid to listen. Three years later with several broken bones a cop friend visited him and lets just say he was in the ward down the hall from me in the hospital when that "conversation" ended. Since you have been to court the docs and such prolly have taken pics of the bruising and scars he caused. Ooops did one of those get into the kids luggage in an envelope addressed to her? When they come to get the kids could you accidently drop the court papers at her feet? After all you were just sorting and filing when he pulled up yes? one piece of advice, keep a sharp look out on the kids. It is a short step from domestic abuse to pedophile... I know! | |
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| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/7/2005 4:11:07 AM | | Dart, this is a tough one to call. My inclination would be to leave it alone. It will only cause resentment, and the man is already abusive enough. Too bad for the other woman he's decided to control or whatever he does. But you are best rid of him, Avoid him as much as possible, and the other woman will find out about him soon enough. I find sometimes rocking the boat makes you the one who sinks. So watch it awhile, but I'd just let it ride for now. | |
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| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/7/2005 6:05:55 AM | If this was a situation where you knew that he was going to cheat on her or was cheating on her...while morally, again, one would think you should tell her....in matters of cheating hearts..it has been my observations to stay the heck away from getting involved. This situation though isnt just a matter of broken hearts....its broken bones and a possible life threatening situation ( abuse can lead to murder quite easily) , therefore, you do need to try, if nothing else, to at least warn her....PERIOD.
I think a different approach may be in order though here. I think your best route, given you have kids, you have your own fears on if he finds out what you have said etc....is this. Do not actively make a point of telling her by seeking her out. You will look like the jealous ex etc. Do not send it anonymously...its just going to be discarded and ignored. Just wait it out...if an opportunity arises where you see her and get a chance to talk to her alone, one on one, for even just a few seconds, you take the lead from there. If it is just a matter of seconds, hand her your phone number and tell her...you know if you ever need me for anything, just give me a call, or something to the effect that you are just trying to establish trust with her and that you are not the enemy. Or even say.."You know "he" is a good guy, means well ( whatever possible nice quality you can say about him), he seems to have come a long way since we were together. We ended up bringing the worst out in each other...hopefully you guys will fair better then us." I say these as suggestions, as bashing him in anyway, to start off the conversation, will make you lose all validity....again try to somehow establish trust.
Once trust has been established, if ever, then try to tell her...by just saying "Not to say that you have to worry or that people can't change or that some people just seem to bring out the worst in each other.....but I just thought I should tell you...when he and I were together, we got into some pretty rough moments.......etc." Proceed to say "Only telling you so you can make a decision for yourself, based on what you see on how he is towards you etc" ( Suggestions for conversation only....you may even want to talk to a counsellor on this or a police officer that deals in domestic violence, for how you can get the topic out )
If the trust or opportunity is never established....leave it alone...it is pointless anyway....just be there for her if the world comes crashing down, if she needs you. I would really try though to let her at least know that there is somethings about him she should be aware of. You will feel horrible if she does end up abused or worse, and you never tried to do anything to help her. She will hate you, if you did have an opportunity and never told her...even if she wouldn't have believed you at the time.
Good luck no matter what the outcome....I really feel for you and hope you manage to somehow get this situation dealt with one way or another. | |
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| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/7/2005 6:25:14 AM | i really hope you find a way to tell this woman what her new man is like as all women deserve to know if a man is a abusive bloke,wether its by his ex or some1 else x
good luck telling her & i hope everything works out for all of you xx good luck | |
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| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/7/2005 6:29:22 AM | | If you tell her anything about him she won't believe you and even if she does she will feel compelled to defend him. Either way you become a "****" in her eyes. You give him an ally when he trashes you in front of your kids. The only way to warn her is if you get a transcription of any court proceedings when you charged him or a copy of the police report and send her a copy. Let her come to her own conclusions. | |
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| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/7/2005 6:31:11 AM | | write a letter do not put your name or address but warn this woman it is your duty she does not have to know it was u for your own safety | |
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jimi77
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Joined: 7/13/2004
Msg: 21 | |
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| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/7/2005 7:50:03 AM | | tell her anonmously - she may just think youre shitstirring out of jeallousy and be even more determined to stick by him | |
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| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/7/2005 8:01:32 AM | | I have a question... If hes a known abuser why does he still have visitation rights to your children??? regardless if hes ever hit them or not this could potentially be a child protection issue... kids are more vulnerable and should be protected accordingly. | |
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| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/7/2005 8:02:53 AM | My thought on telling her. Leave it alone, are you going to tell all his g/f for his whole life what he is like.
It will come back to you and bite you in the ass.
I have given it great thought when dating, It would be to ask the ex wife of the man I am seeing, if the guy was ever Mentally abusive or Physically abusive.
I have asked 2 guys that very question ( but of course the can deny it) lol
The reason being that I have been in 2 abusive relationship. I think its a smart question from the women's (man's) point of view. But it's up to us to be aware of these problems. | |
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| Should I tell the new Girl Friend
Posted: 8/7/2005 8:12:46 AM | The commonlaw relationship I was in started to be verbally abusive and then went to physical, it took about 5 years for this abusivness to show.
He was arrested and a restraining order enforced. It took about 6 months to settle the home that we purchased together and personal assets. We had no kids together.
It took the court system 1 year to go to court. He was fined $200.00 thats it.
End of story. | |
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