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Posted: 8/12/2005 1:38:29 AM | Are you kidding me????????????????????
I just hit the back button or something and the jokes I was typing for the last half hour are totally gone.... goddddddddddddddddddddddddaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamnit....
ok, lets hear some non pc, non racist, non sexist jokes... give it up folks.... heres the last one i was working on...
So Prince Charles shows up for a press visit to Cheticamp Nova Scotia wearing a hat made from, no less, a fox, tail and all. The next time he visits Nova Scotia, this time Guysborough, he's wearing the same silly hat.
Finally on his visit to Whycogomagh, (while wearing the same dang hat) a reporter has the guts to ask why he continues to wear this silly headpiece.
To which he replies, " well i asked my mum, 'Mummy, i'm goin to Whycogomagh, what should i wear?' To which she replies, 'Whycogomagh, where the focks 'at?'"
I had a whole bunch of blonde and scot and newfie and rig pig jokes and now i'm screwed....
you guys gimme some jokes now ok? Nothing offensive ok?
dammnit | |
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Posted: 8/12/2005 8:06:39 AM | You must be from NS, Not many people know of Whycogomagh, and i've never even heard of Cheticamp. I spent 3 weeks out there with my last job, beautiful countryside out there, would move out there in a heartbeat if there was any work.
Suggestions, if you are typing out something that takes over 5min, type it in word or notepad first, then copy it over to POF, that way no "Back" buttons will destroy your hours of tedious labour in typing up jokes for us folks at POF.
My Contribution to the jokes thread:
Life: a sexually transmitted disease which
afflicts some people more severely than others.
------------------------------------------------
Q. Why is dating like a game of cards?
A. Because if you don't have a good partner,
you'd better have a good hand.
-------------------------------------------------
A cowboy is riding across the plains of the old
west, when he is captured by Indians. The tribe
puts him on trial for crimes against the Indian
Nation, and he is found guilty.
'You have been sentenced to death,' said the
Chief, 'but, as is our custom, you have three
wishes to make as your last requests.'
The cowboy thought for a minute and said, 'Well,
for my first wish, I'll need my horse.'
'Give him his horse,' said the Chief.
The cowboy whispered something into the horses
ear, and the horse took off like a shot across
the prairie. 20 minutes later, the horse returned
with a beautiful blonde woman on it's back. The
cowboy looked at this, shrugged his shoulders, and
helped the young lady off the horse. He then took
her into the woods...
'Second wish,' said the Chief.
'I'll need my horse again,' said the cowboy.
'Give him his horse,' said the Chief.
Once again, the cowboy whispered into the horse's
ear, and once again the horse rode off over the
prairie. 30 minutes later, the horse returned
with a beautiful red-head on it's back. The
cowboy looked up and shrugged, helped the young
lady off the horse, and went into the woods...
'This is your last wish,' said the Chief,' make
it a good one.'
'I'll need my horse again.'
'Give him his horse,' said the Chief.
The cowboy grabbed each side of the horse's head
and put his face right up to the horse's nose,
staring him in the eyes not allowing him to look
away.
'Look, I said, posse, ok? *POSSE*!!!'
--------------------------------------------- | |
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Posted: 8/12/2005 10:45:12 AM | "non pc, non racist, non sexist jokes..."
Well that counts me out
Knock knock... | |
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Posted: 8/12/2005 11:18:30 AM | | here's a joke...my job today...what are a bore.. | |
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Posted: 8/12/2005 11:39:10 AM | Whats the Epitamy of conceit?
Screaming your own name when you Orgasm! | |
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Posted: 8/12/2005 11:59:03 AM | Ohhhhhhh.....THAT'S why she called me coceited....
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Posted: 8/12/2005 12:52:46 PM | Ha ha nice one...
What does a round of golf and a strip bar have in common?
After 18 holes you're drunk and frustrated, and your balls are gone. | |
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Posted: 8/12/2005 1:42:25 PM | What do ya get when you have green ball in your left hand and a green ball in your right??
the complet and undivided attention of the Jolly Green Giant! | |
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Posted: 8/12/2005 1:46:55 PM | that's a gooder.
Here's one to tickle your funny bone...
Man and wife are asleep in bed. Its about 3am.
The wife wakes up to some noise downstairs.
She gets frightened and starts shaking her husband to wake him up.
"Honey, I think someone's trying to break in!"
The husband just groans and rolls over.
The wife listens and the noise comes again
"Wakeup! Wakeup! Someone's trying to break in...Do something!"
The groggily gets up, then hears the noise himself.
He grabs the baseball bat (kept conveniently under the bed) and head downstairs.
As he heads down the stairs the husband calls out "Who's there?"
No one answers but as he continues on his way downstairs he realizes it is someone knocking, so he puts down the bat and opens the door....to see a man, obviously drunk, leaning heavily against the doorframe.
"What do you want? Do you know what time it is?" says the husband.
"Yeah, Can you give me a push?" slobbers the drunk.
"No I'm not going to give you a push!, if you're dumb enough to be out driving around this time of night and in your condition, you don't deserve any help. Go bother someone else!" with that the husband slams the door shut, locks it and starts heading back upstairs.
As he is getting back in bed the wife asks "What was it honey?"
"Some a$$hole just asked me to give him a push! So I told him to hit the road" syas the husband.
"Oh honey, you should go out and help that poor man, it would be the Christian thing to do" says the wife.
"But he was dr...."
"No buts, you go back down there and help him"
The husband could tell by the tone of her voice that he wasn't gettin' anything but a cold back for awhile unless he did this, so he puts his robe back on, marches back downstairs and opens the door.
no one is there so he calls out,
"Hey buddy! Still need a push?"
"Yeah" a voice answers.
The husband looks around but can't see a vehicle anywhere...
"Where are you?" calls the husband.
"Over here, on the swing!" calls the drunk.
Hope you enjoyed it...called that one up from memory..
Calgaryman99 | |
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Posted: 8/12/2005 5:55:01 PM | Hope this is tame!....
What do you call a hooker with her hand up her skirt???
Self employed!
Oh snap! | |
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Posted: 8/12/2005 11:39:46 PM | OK Im going to give it a try.... (giggle giggle)
Lexus
A lady walks into a Lexus dealership and browses. Suddenly she spots
the most perfect, beautiful car and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends forward to feel the fine leather upholstery,
an unexpected little fart escapes her.
Very embarrassed,
she anxiously looks around to see if anyone has noticed
and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now but,
as she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman.
With a pleasant smile he greets her,
"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened,
she smiles back and asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
Still smiling pleasantly, he replies,
"Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it,
you are gonna shit when you hear the price." | |
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Posted: 8/12/2005 11:41:51 PM | heh heh heh | |
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Posted: 8/12/2005 11:52:37 PM | ~The Parrot~
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each
week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was
only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began
to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once the parrot understood the tricks he started shouting in the middle
of the show. "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the
flowers under the table!" or, "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of
spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all,
the captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific the ship unfortunately sank,
drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found
himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, as
fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred,
but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... and then 2 days...
and then 3 days.
Finally, on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold it back any longer
and said, "OK, I give up. Where's the ****ing ship? | |
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Posted: 8/14/2005 9:53:18 PM | Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his nuts
"whats with the steering wheel?" said the barkeep
"aargghh I don't be knowing ,but its driving me nuts!!!" | |
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Posted: 8/14/2005 10:11:07 PM | How many guitar players it take to change a lightbulb?
10; 1 to do it & 9 to say they coulda done it better.
What's the difference 'tween a bassoon & a oboe?
Bassoon burns hotter, oboe burns longer.
Farmer Brown took a beautiful city girl as a bride. As such, she knew absoloutely nothing 'bout farmlife. One day farmer Brown had to go into town fer supplies & left 'is wife w/ instructions. "Honey, the Artificial Insemination man is comin' out today to breed a cow. I put her in the barn & put a nail above the stall she's in, & that's how to find her". So off he goes, & there she stayed. 'Round 1:00 the AI guy arrives & asks Mrs Brown where the cow is. She takes 'im into the barn, slowly walks down the aisle, then sez "There it is, the stall w/ the nail over it!". "What's the nail for?" asks the AI guy. "I dunno," sez Mrs Brown, "to hang yer pants on, I guess."
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Posted: 8/14/2005 10:32:30 PM | | A guitar player comes to the doctor and complains about a serious deterioriation of his memory. He especially has a hard time remembering correct changes and is afraid to lose all his gigs. Since the doctor can't find the cause, he asks the guitarist to leave behind his brain for a week in his lab for more detailed examinations. After seven days the guitar player fails to show up, and even after 2 more weeks there's no sign of him. Finally the doctor runs into him on the street, grabs him and asks: "Excuse me, but your brain is still waiting for you to stop by and pick it up, so why don't you show up?" The guitarist says, "Well, I think you can keep it; I finally switched to bass..." | |
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Posted: 8/14/2005 10:37:36 PM | LMAO!!!
Errrrrrr....I mean....BOOOOOOO!!!!!
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Posted: 8/14/2005 10:40:20 PM | sorry dude... had to defend my instrument...or at least attack yours...hehe
How do you get a bass player off your door step?
Pay for the Pizza! | |
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Posted: 8/14/2005 10:44:57 PM | A young boy and his mother are walking down the street and the boy turns to his mother and says "when I grow up I want to be a guitar player"
his mother replies "Now now son you cant do both"!
How do you know when there's a guitar player at the door?
His timing is terrible and he never knows when to come in!
I tink I found the same joke page as yr on, Matt.... | |
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Posted: 8/14/2005 11:25:10 PM | probably...
ok, Truce! Guitar and bass jokes are no longer allowed.
Drummer Jokes only
Q: How do you know a drummer is knocking at your door?
A: The knock gets louder and faster.
Q: What does a drummer use for contraception?
A: His personality!
Q: Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car?
A: So they can park in the handicapped spot. | |
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Posted: 8/14/2005 11:38:38 PM | Truce works fer me **Hi-five**
Damn.....had a good one lined up....
I was walkin' along the beach one day when I happened to trip over this bottle. I looked back & noticed that it was kinda cool lookin' so I started to brushin' it off & accidentally knoked the cap off. Imagine my surpise when a genie popped out! "Oh, thank you Master...yadda yadda...5000 years...yadda yadda...3 wishes (you know the spiel)". "Coooool," I sez, "1st, I wanna be ferever in perfect health, no matter what I eat or drink.". "Thy will be done, Master" sez the Genie, then POOF!!! Big puff of smoke & there I stand. Beefcake. "Cooool," I sez, "OK, 2nd I want a '71 Hemi Cuda w/ a full & bottomless gas tank so I'll never have to stop to fill up.". POOF!!! There's my car. "Coooool," I sez, "OK, now I want a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive down there & pick up some sweet beach babes.". "Get real," sez the Genie, "you got any idea the engineering nightmare that would be, what w/ all the ocean waves & supertankers & shit? Try again.". Well, I had to tink a bit, but then I said "OK Genie, I'll settle fer a wicked drummer who can keep time & play 7/4 if needed". Genie stares @ me a bit then sez "Where did ya want that bridge to go?" | |
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Posted: 8/15/2005 1:11:36 PM | An Open Apology
On behalf of Canadians everywhere, I'd like to offer an apology to the U S of A.
We haven't been getting along very well lately, & for that I'm truly sorry.
I'm sorry we called George Bush a Moron. He IS a Moron, but it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he'a a Moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America, After all, it's not like you actually elected him.
I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper & better than yours.
I'm sorry that we beat you in Olympic Hockey. In our own defense, I gues our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much, much, much, much, better than yours.
I'm sorry that we burnt down the White House during the war of 1812. I notice you've repainted it. Very nice!
I'm sorry about yer beer. I know we had nothing to do with yer beer, but we feel yer pain.
I'm sorry about our waffling over Iraq. I mean, when yer going up against a crazed dictator you want to have yer friends by yer side. I realize it took you more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.
And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologising for things in a passive-agressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism.
I scincerely hope yer not upset over this. We've seen what you do to countries yer upset with. | |
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Posted: 8/16/2005 12:47:55 AM | Dude
Post that in one of the Yankee forums on POF and tell me where, i want to see the responses!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! | |
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Posted: 8/16/2005 6:14:18 PM | | What do ya call a black guy who flys an airplane?? | |
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Posted: 8/16/2005 6:14:38 PM | | A PILOT!! you frikken rascist! | |
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