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| Do You Forgive?
Posted: 8/17/2005 12:16:14 PM | How many of you forgave a cheating spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend, and were able to really honestly move on from this and have a successful relationship?
I'm curious. I could never live with a cheating spouse/boyfriend knowing the lips that I once kissed, kissed someone else, and all that other stuff. But it seems many people out there give their mates a second chance....why in the world? Even if there are kids in involved. And for those who do have kids, is your happiness with the sacrifice for your kids? You know, kids are a lot smarter than we give them credit for, and why would you want your kids to see you sad, unloved and in a loveless marriage??
Otherwise, do tell!!! | |
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| Do You Forgive?
Posted: 8/17/2005 12:31:03 PM | | No I couldn't forgive cheating.......... | |
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| Do You Forgive?
Posted: 8/17/2005 12:38:39 PM | Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to sit idly by and risk allowing the behavior to continue.
A month after our seventh anniversary, my (now ex) wife began cheating on me with an old friend of hers. I did and do forgive her; for the cheating, for the not wanting to discuss it with me or to work on any issues with me. But, I told her that I forgave her didn't mean she had free license to continue with both me and her friend. I told her any further cheating would become increasingly more difficult to forgive and move on from, because it would call into question her sincerity in apologizing to me. It would tell me that she didn't want forgiveness; she wanted free rein to have whomever on the side that she wanted, and would be repeatedly walking all over our vows and committment to each other, and the seven years we'd had together. I told her she would have to choose who she wanted her intimate relationship with; me, or her friend. She ended up choosing the friend, and left of her own accord.
Ironically, she's no longer with that friend; she's found someone else and intends to marry him. Doubly ironically, her friend that she originally cheated on me with has met with me and "came clean with me" about that entire time period, and over time, in which I had to heal somewhat, he's become a good buddy of mine, and has nothing to do with her at all.
Life throws it's little twists and turns. I respect anyone who will give their mates a second chance, and I would've done so myself had she been willing. Forgiveness is wonderful; but allowing yourself to be treated the same way afterwards doesn't do either party any good at all. | |
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| Do You Forgive?
Posted: 8/17/2005 12:47:04 PM | | Wow, that is amazing. You must have loved her that much to even give her that option. See, I went thru that. I forgave, or at least I thought I did. I couldn't see him the same way again! The minute he kissed me or even touched me, just grossed me out to the fullest. I thought, OMG, he kissed someone else, and who knows what other things, and now he's coming back to me? EWWW. The thought just made me cringe, and so the lesson learned here was how I know for a fact, that I could never go thru that again, forgiving him was not what it was cracked up to be. It was the most hardest time of my life and even though I forgave him, I could never forget, and that was my problem. So for me, once you've crossed that line, there is NO turning back, I don't care how much I love them! They had NO respect for me to begin with....so why bother? | |
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| Do You Forgive?
Posted: 8/17/2005 1:20:30 PM | | WOW dude your like a saint or something. I would have kicked her to the curb and punched that guy in the eye lol. | |
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| Do You Forgive?
Posted: 8/17/2005 1:29:39 PM | I know....the nagging little "what's been happening that I don't know about?" feeling. It's horrible.
In my view, this is forgiveness; I'm not going to continue to hold what a person has done over their head, and I'm not going to hold onto anger. I was both angry and hurt at the time, forgiving allowed me to let go of the anger, and helped the hurt to fade away over time. Forgiveness meant I was not going to let what she did be a weight hanging over both of us.
But; it did not mean I could just sit back as if it didn't happen; she did tell me that she had been cheating and intended to continue. There had to be consequences to show her I was not willing to ignore that happening in our marriage. The consequences I stated were "I really am not ok with you having both of us that way. I can not have a wife who is going to do that. It's disrespectful to me, the love we've had for seven years, and our union together. And, it hurts....a lot." Those aren't my exact words, but it's very close.
It has been a while since we split, and I'm not angry with her anymore. I regret what happened, and there is a little bit of hurt faintly remaining, which is human. But we've gone our seperate ways and we're both ok. That's what counts. 
Pinktreasures, I'm sorry about your own situation, and I know it hurts. You will heal...that pain, the anger, they don't last forever. I wish you all of the best. | |
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| Do You Forgive?
Posted: 8/17/2005 1:31:52 PM | | LOL! I'm no saint, cliffy....and I have to admit that for a brief while I was tempted to do those very things. But I couldn't just let myself stay that way, you know what I mean? Eventually I would have just gotten sicker and sicker inside. | |
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| Do You Forgive?
Posted: 8/17/2005 1:35:50 PM | | wow this similiar to another thread-I do. | |
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| Do You Forgive?
Posted: 8/17/2005 2:51:20 PM | | I can forgive anything but that. It's a matter of trust on the deepest physical & emotional level. My ex cheated and came home to papers. I'll not cheat on my mate and expect the same of her. | |
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| Do You Forgive?
Posted: 8/17/2005 3:51:02 PM | | Oh I am definitely fine! I was especially fine the day I went to file for my divorce and had him served. That was probably the happiest day of my life because all that negativity was finally off my shoulders and I am now living a much happier peaceful life. Thank goodness!! | |
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| Do You Forgive?
Posted: 8/17/2005 9:01:38 PM | | ^^^^That's good to know...and yup, that does help...a lot. | |
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| Do You Forgive?
Posted: 8/18/2005 9:44:02 AM | | It wouldn't be the sex I cared about. It wouldn't be the images of them with someone else. It would be the deception. So far I have never been betrayed by anyone I didn't know might do it, and so I have never been surprised or hurt by it. I don't make friends past the point of doubting their character like that. I have never been involved deeply with someone who would act that way. You can tell by other things they say and do. I have a couple of times begun relationships with women who soon proved unwise for me to trust. They let me know in little ways. I was fairly warned and walked away. I think it is true some liars are so masterful they rarely if ever get caught in any one lie. But honest people have something liars never do, which is a relaxed and spontaneous manner. It is enough to know someone is on guard; you need not know the details of their schemes to sense the scheming. I forgive people for being sneaky before they ever get the chance to prove it at my expense. I forgive them as I say good-bye and good luck with that. | |
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Carri3
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Joined: 7/18/2005
Msg: 13 | |
| Do You Forgive?
Posted: 8/18/2005 10:01:19 AM | | I can forgive, but I will never forget. I also move on. I can't stay with someone that cheated on me. Once the trust is gone in a relationship, its over. | |
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| Do You Forgive?
Posted: 8/18/2005 10:34:27 AM | Do you forgive??? Hmmmm...you may forgive on some level but you NEVER forget. I have a story to tell and I can honestly say that no one that I have talked to on any dating site has anything close. It is a tragic story of a family lost and hopes and dreams ruined.
I was married for almost 25 years to what I thought was going to be my mate forever! I was brought up that way....you stay with your husband/wife forever...for better or worst.
We were both young when we met, in the army and a wonderful exciting life and career ahead of us. We married early in the relationship and waited almost 2 years before we had children. When our oldest son was 6 months old, my husband had to go away on a military course...coming home on the weekends. While he was away, he met someone that was from my home province so they struck up a friendship. She was dating one of the men he was in training with. My husband offered a shoulder when her boyfriend dumped her. He told me about this nice woman....said we would get along well since we have so much in common...we actually look alike too. He wanted to bring her home with him one weekend so she could have a chance to work things out with Dennis away from the interferrance during the training. He would phone me during the week and tell me what his day was like and then say he had to go because he was going to the movies with her...hope I don't mind. Anyway. some months later I was looking for something for him and he said...try the box in the closet at the bottom of the stairs. In that box I found the letters she had been writing him and the cards they had exchanged. Apparently his shoulder was not the only thing he offered her. I did not demand he leave or make a fuss, I just quietly picked up the phone, (he was standing there white faced and trembling). I phoned her and told her if she contacted my husband again I would rip off her head and s**t down the hole. He appologized to me and said the friendship got out of hand and she started to look to him for more. It took a while for me to get past it.
A few years later he had to go to Norway for Military training. While there he met Elsbeth. I did not find out about her for some time later. This pattern repeated itself for most of the years of our marriage. He would say they were just friends, nothing more and has never been unfaithful. In my mind, maybe physically he was not unfaithful, but emotionally he was. Girlfriend number 5 was the most painful one to endure. She was my former best friend. Again, I had to intervene and put a stop to a 'friendship' that was on the verge of going too far. To this day, I still miss her.
You wonder why I put up with this behaviour. Well, my husband was autistic....high function autistic. He could not see any wrong in anything he did and could not see how it hurt me. I was not in a place in my mind, or heart to be able to ask him to leave, or leave myself. Any of us who have been through a broken relationship know that you have to reach that 'place' to make changes. The turning point for me was girlfriend number 6. She worked with him in the same office. They did their sporting events together and went to the club after work to have a beer together on Fridays. Sometimes he would call me and have me join them. It put me in an ackward spot since most people knew that my husband and this woman were spending a lot of off duty time together. Even the base commander who called them into the office to lecture them on their behaviour. She put an end to the situation. My husband and I went into councelling and that is where I found out all the dirt. Things I could not and would not forgive at that time. He told me why he found the need to have these outside friendships. He said to my face, without one bit of appology or remorse: I don't love you, I have never loved you, I am ashamed to be seen with you, I only married you for the sex, but I would rather spend my time with her. To that I replied...guess you will not be home for dinner tonight!
That was the catalyst for me and I allowed myself to accept that the end of our marriage was near. When I finally got the strength to go it alone, and asked him to leave, a multitude of other things happened that were tragic which resulted in him being hospitalized, and then institutionalized. He spent 6 weeks in a mental facility and I had hoped that the seperation would allow us to reflect on the past and see if there was any thing to salvage to build a future. But while in the hospital, he met yet another woman,(another patient) and his attitude about us working things out changed again. I filed for divorce, picked up the pieces, sold my house, and moved to Ontario. He is now remarried to this woman. I know I am better off without him. I have had my trials and challenges, but my word, I am thankful for my sons, my life, and my friends. Forgivness???? At some point I think I have forgiven him because I know I am better off now then what I went through for almost 25 years. I am healthier mentally, and emotionally. I have no contact with him, and wish not to. I am in a good place and know that I did nothing wrong to deserve what I went through. I was a loyal, faithful, loving wife who received no love in return. That I am a bit bitter about since I can honestly say I have no idea what it looks like or feels like to have a man truely love me.
So onward and upward....I have had over 4 years of healing and I am out here fishing  ....
I believe for your own healing, you must forgive...truely forgive in order to move on! | |
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Carri3
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Joined: 7/18/2005
Msg: 15 | |
| Do You Forgive?
Posted: 8/18/2005 10:56:41 AM | | You definately have more patience and can take more slaps to the face than I could. geezus.. It's good though if you can forgive him and move on, and you're right, you can't move on unless you forgive the ones that hurt you. Sad but true. | |
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| Do You Forgive?
Posted: 8/18/2005 11:00:39 AM | I can forgive him for a number of reasons...first: He showed me how much I can tolerate, he made me a very strong person, and third but the best reason...he is no longer my problem...someone elses!  | |
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Carri3
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Joined: 7/18/2005
Msg: 17 | |
| Do You Forgive?
Posted: 8/18/2005 11:18:23 AM | WOOHOO! It's good you bounced back, lots don't, they take it out on new relationships. And yes, what didn't kill you made you stronger, thats my line I live by.
It's good you're finally away from that anyways. | |
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| Do You Forgive?
Posted: 8/18/2005 12:09:55 PM | I tried to forgive my husband when he cheated, but the images just wouldn't go away and it did affect our relationship in a negative way. Then, to repay my attempted forgivness, he figured he got away with it once, so why not do it again - with a friend the second time.
However, that doesn't mean I assume everyone will cheat, but no second chances ever again. | |
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| Do You Forgive?
Posted: 8/18/2005 12:21:54 PM | I don't forgive or forget. I hope my ex falls down a DEEP well | |
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| Do You Forgive?
Posted: 8/18/2005 2:01:29 PM | Greanize,
First, I want to say that I am happy you are out of that selfless marriage and good for you, finally peace at the end of that long horrid road. I too, can't believe you stayed even past girlfriend #2 or even 3! That is ridiculous, but hey, it sounded for a minute that you were making an excuse for him due to his problems. Nothing should ever become an excuse. Always love yourself, cause honey, we are the only ones who can. I too hope for love someday and hope to never not feel I can trust again. But this time, all it takes is once, no turning back, EVER. I am done with the drama, as Whoopi Goldberg once said, drama belongs on the stage, not in your life, AMEN!! | |
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| Do You Forgive?
Posted: 8/18/2005 2:34:15 PM | Oh, No worries Pink...I did make excuses for him for many years. For many of those years we did not know that he had Autism. High function autism is sometimes not even diagnosed. Still....he treated me like dirt, mentally abused our sons, played around and justified it in his mind, tried to kill himself twice and tried to blame it on me then started up with someone else before we could even catch our breath. I still mourn the lost family but not the lost marriage. Sometimes if feels surreal and it never happened to me, but someone who's life I was standing outside of looking in on. I know I should have left him many years ago, but as I said, I was not ready. Why does an abused person stay in a bad situation, not that he ever physically abused me, but because it is easier to stay then it is to go. Not only did I finally boot him, but I sold my house, took 8 pickup truck loads of shared personal momentos to the dump, and moved half a continent away to a town where I knew no one, had no job, and just started over. I found out who my friends were and I was suprized at the emotional support I got from so many.
I dont' know if I could ever do something like that alone again, and I can't believe I did it, but I am so much stronger for it today. I still struggle with the lonliness, the financial challenges, and have I not built much of a social life, but joining PoF may have changed that for me. I am going to the party Sat night at the Fox and I will also go on the singles harbour cruise in Toronto. So, now if someone sneers at me because he thinks I am 'too fat' for him, or not pretty enough for him (my ex also called me a fat cow), I put him in the same category as my ex....Not fit to throw rocks at! Walk a day in my shoes and you can appreciate it when someone says they went through emotional turmoil and survived to tell the tale.
But not to go off track from this thread....I suffered for almost 25 years, plus a few years after the marriage ended, but I have forgiven him because of what the years with him did bring me, and what strengths and values I have developed over this time.
I would like to have someone in my life that would become an emotional attachment, but some men have told me that I am too strong for them....oh well...their loss.
In spite of my tumultous relationship, I totally believe long lasting love and wonderful relationships are possible. I see it every day in my parents 53 year marriage, and my sisters relationships. I will find mine soon! | |
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| Do You Forgive?
Posted: 8/18/2005 2:35:16 PM | STOP RIGHT THERE
if you find out yer other half is cheating on you then they've done you a favor. Get out now. I know it seems easier said than done, but what additional pain will you have to endure.
I dont mean to sound rude but there's other ways to be a pee on.
I dont excuse any form of cheating. Dont care how hammered or twisted u may be.  | |
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| Do You Forgive?
Posted: 8/18/2005 2:55:50 PM | Did once, tried to make it work. Never did. Couldn't get past the fact, complete loss of trust issue.
Wish you luck but something needs to change. The relationship obviously broke down somewhere and there is no need to point fingers for it doesn't solve anything. If I were you and if you really wanted to see if you could save your marriage. First both agree to go to counseling, next one of you should move out of the house. You need to be apart from each other and then next to to start your relationship back at the begining. Go back to just dating each other, go out to dinners, movies, do the stuff that we all took for granted. Biggest thing is to talk to each other, have converstations. You can't have much of a conversation when you see that person every day of your life. You need to remember why it is the both of you loved each other enough to get into the relationship in the first place. | |
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| Do You Forgive?
Posted: 8/18/2005 3:01:19 PM | | In my case, we did try the councelling thing but that was a disaster. We tried seperation, but he admitted he never loved me in the first place so rediscovering love was not going to happen in my place, he took up with his next girlfriend...so history...move on...divorce has been final for over two years now and he is remarried. Life has gotten better and again, it is easier to forgive in the long run then to carry a grudge. Otherwise one will never be able to be healthy emotionally for someone else to come into their life. | |
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