| woman and abusive relationships / codependency
Posted: 8/21/2005 4:24:03 AM | According to most theorists, codependency is not a matter of happenstance. They maintain that many people—especially women—unwittingly seek out relationships with troubled individuals to satisfy an excessive need to be needed (O'Brien & Gaborit, 1992; Wright & Wright, 1991). In these relationships, codependents subordinate their own needs to those of their partner. Hence, they end up leading anguished, unfulfilling lives.
I have one female friend who has had numerous relationships with men who were all abusive and she contributes this as just bad luck, but out of all the other woman i know and the many associations they have had, not one has had an abusive relationship.
What do you think? Have you experience an abusive relationship or some one who has been in one? | |
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| Absolutly correct!!
Posted: 8/21/2005 4:32:48 AM | | Your so right with that post.......is higher education not a key to a most fulfilling life??? If i never got onto psychology i would have no clue as to who i may have become ,or, what may have become of me.....good post!There is also a thing called the Stockholm syndrom...i urg you to look it up.......it's mostly to do with robbery situations but........can also be used to sum up some relationships.......bye | |
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| Absolutly correct!!
Posted: 8/21/2005 5:28:33 AM | ^^ knowing about psychology, you should know better that 90% of human's reactions and behaviours do begin in their childhood experiences. A man or a woman gone through abusive relationships, could be a "bad luck" as well as unknowingly chosen wrong abusive friends or relationships who do remind them of their beloved personalities in their past. The difference is that a child cannot understand the "wrong doing" onto her/him, since does not know much about the who and the what of the world. The same child, grows up and seeks almost the same people who did give them love while abusing them in the same time.
Could it be that the "circkel" turns and turns? | |
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| Absolutly correct!!
Posted: 8/21/2005 5:48:05 AM | I was abused once in a relationship. But it didn't last long. I left immediately. Fortunately I haven't had that experience again.
I think that one time it was happenstance. I've never been abused as a child and I wouldn't put up with it as an adult. However, if it happens to a person more than once or twice and/or he/she stays in such a relationship, then it's definitely their fault as much as the abusers. | |
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| woman and abusive relationships / codependency
Posted: 8/21/2005 5:53:50 AM | At the time I was growing up, most women put the needs of their kids and husband above their own. I think at that time it was more society and the sense of worth that women had than codependency.
However, since I was 4 or 5 I've sought out things to "fix", stray or wounded animals, friends, and later my teenager's friends in trouble, and I definitely think that it's a need to be needed although I have no idea why. Luckily the guys I was involved with in my life, though needy, were good people who never abused that...just troubled in various ways.
I'm learning to recognize when I should back off and let people sink in order to save myself, however cold that sounds, but I can definitely see where someone less aware of themself could become so involved in helping another person that they let it escalate to abuse.
There's a difference between being helpful and caring and trying to feed your own needs by nurturing. You have to be able to recognize when it's futile and unfortunately sometimes before people do, they're so far in that they really have lost themself in the process. | |
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| woman and abusive relationships / codependency
Posted: 8/22/2005 1:21:05 AM | | You're all complete idiots, I treat my girls good by buying them what they want, if they start sqaucking what choice do I have but to give them five across the eye to show them who's boss? | |
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| woman and abusive relationships / codependency
Posted: 8/22/2005 1:53:51 AM | You're all complete idiots, I treat my girls good by buying them what they want, if they start sqaucking what choice do I have but to give them five across the eye to show them who's boss?
glacebain..you are one sick puppy!!! | |
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| woman and abusive relationships / codependency
Posted: 8/22/2005 6:07:24 AM | Glacebain is full of shit. I'd drop kick his salty ass in 2 seconds flat, leaving him blubbering, calling out for mamma and drinking screech like water to dull the pain.
Wimp. | |
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| Absolutly correct!!
Posted: 8/22/2005 6:35:07 AM | | and i do miss......."elaborated", i mean ......early adulthood..........i know for a fact i've made chioces based on ......what i had read......in psychology, and i've left alot of grief from occurring,from what these theoriest have come up with............researched ........it's life's blood. | |
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| woman and abusive relationships / codependency
Posted: 8/22/2005 6:50:18 AM | You're all complete idiots, I treat my girls good by buying them what they want, if they start sqaucking what choice do I have but to give them five across the eye to show them who's boss? Glacebain: No wonder you're single. I bet a girl would kick the shit out of you | |
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| woman and abusive relationships / codependency
Posted: 8/22/2005 7:35:55 AM | Okay - Look at it this way.
Most abusive relationships are a form of codependcy anyway. The one being abused beleives that they can change the other and they tolerate the abuse. Its just like someone that has a drinking/drug problem- they think they can change them- help them- They don't see what its doing to them. The put up with it and tell everyone that its not the case- Your wrong and things like that.
When one believes that they abuse can be stopped they end up in a co dependent situation. they don't relaize that they want the abuse so that they can feel better about themselves in trying to help them.
I had this issue. I was Mentally- physically and emotionally abused. Why ? Cause I thought I could "Save her" White knight in shining armour and all that. I took the abuse- I have physical scars that will never go away . She drank herself into a stupor almost every night. When I finally left- It was hard to let go- I was missing the attention that I got from her when she was like that. It sounds strange- but people crave that type of attention and until they learn that you cannot save someone- that they have to save themselves- you keep going into abusive relationships. Months and months of therapy later- I am a much better person for understanding the road signs to look for :)
Hope this helps someone else :) | |
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| woman and abusive relationships / codependency
Posted: 8/22/2005 7:50:29 AM | I have had abuse in my former marriage and that is why I am not married now. I how ever also have had some short term relationships after my divorce and not one of them has had an abusive additude. They were kind good men, they where nothing like my ex. I grewr up not knowing men could be mean or hateful. I look for men that are with a good heart and when I fail to do that at frist it dose not take me long ...lets say about one conversation or two to know he sounds and behaves like my ex and I am gone. So really not all wemon fall into that trap the second time.  | |
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| woman and abusive relationships / codependency
Posted: 8/22/2005 8:42:32 AM | Hello , I AM NEW HERE. I am completely lost , so i think i need advice. I actually met someone on here ,( only spoke on instant messenger , and webcam, 0 we have been doing this for 6 months. So strange , (i fell inlove) with the person- not the idea of the person. ! We spent countless hours on here communicating , and enjoying eachothers inteligence. It was clear i had found a match - we bonded quickly, there was passion,attraction, mentally physically, spiritualy ! (i just wanted more and more) HE LIVES VERY FAR -COULDNT MEET JUST YET.
I NEVER FELT CONNECTED TO ANYONE LIKE THIS mentally and emotionally. It started off beautiful- we were so right , nice to eachother .
WE ALL HAVE OUR GOOD AND BAD SIDES - it was only recently that i learned his bad side. He does drink often- but i am convinced his abusive nature comes from something eles that had caused him pain. (WHICH DOES MAKE ME MORE SENSITIVE TO HIS BEHAVIOR, AND FORGIVING.) ANYWAY - RESPECT IS IMPORTANT TO ME, AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO NOW. !!!!!!!!! i know he stil loves me , but all i get is abused mentally- and emotionally- i havent met him in person, i wanted to , but now i am afraid that he is probably violent also. (cannot handle abuse) i was an abused child - but i do not seek abuse, or see it as love, i am the opposite, I RUN FROM IT FAST.
i KEEP COMMING BACK TO HIM- because i am inlove , i am worried about him, but he is abusing still for a couple of weeks now. I dont kinow what to do , i started to tel him it is over, its so hard to let go , (i dont want him to think he could get away with it. i noticed he is very controlling, just wants me to kinda be quiet , not ask questions , accept whatever he does. oh god, i keep thinking this will change .
i really cant let go , we shared for months hours straight, i feel i have no choice but to ignore him for a while , IS THIS HOW I MAKE HIM UNDERSTAND THAT I AM NOT COMMING BACK FOR ABUSE. ( i come back in hopes he will change !!!!! somebody help me, i fell in love with a very controlling abusive man, who also has the most beautiful heart in the world , what do i do ??????????????????help!keep in mind , i fell inlove . we had plans to be together , he stil does, only i am alittle confused now. and frightenend. HELP PLEASE | |
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| woman and abusive relationships / codependency
Posted: 8/22/2005 9:52:27 AM | Having a "higher level of education" yes one can be more open and objective to circumstances around them.... but it doesn't take a genius to see inside themselves for certain repeated patterns in life. Mind you only those who can admit fault and want to will see that there is something amiss and not chalk it up to something external, beyond their control.
That's not to say that some people just end up in abusive relationships because that's all they know. I feel bad for individuals in scenarios like that. I would imagine they know there is something better out there.. they just don't know how to attain it as in their minds getting beaten is equal to being loved.
In almost all cases of abusive realtionships (in some form or another) the abuser has a form of control over the victim. And yes co-dependency is one of the hallmark characteristics of such relationships.
This is a widely studied topic... and most of us could go on and on in this thread. Go to a local book store or library and pick up a psych or self-help book in regards to this. Hopefully you will find some answers that way. | |
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| woman and abusive relationships / codependency
Posted: 8/22/2005 10:07:14 AM | And what about women who abuse their men???? Should we "stone and burn" them too????
I am aware of the titel of the thread... but it goes both ways. I mean men must get tired of women being such martyrs... what about the men who are abused???? | |
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| woman and abusive relationships / codependency
Posted: 8/22/2005 10:47:18 AM | I had an average childhood with no abuse whatsoever. I found myself in an abusive relationship at the age of 14. I was finally able to get out and stay out at the age of 17. What this loser did was play on all of my typical teenage insecurities and tear me so far down emotionally that I allowed him to bully me for 3 years. It took years and years to undo the damage...but I do take responsibility for my part in it. I didn't get involved with this guy wanting to fix him, didn't know he was like this...just thought he was interesting. Turns out he had a family history of abuse. I was the only woman he ever hit.
I carry around some mental scars from it, but for the most part, I've moved so far beyond it. I know what I deserve in life and I will settle for no less. Life is wonderful today and I still wonder how in the world I ever got there. | |
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| woman and abusive relationships / codependency
Posted: 8/22/2005 10:59:03 AM | I had a very happy childhood. My family was very close, and we still are. I got lost for a while because of the relationship I was in. There was no physical abuse, but there was constant mental abuse. He was a very controlling man. He had addictions. He was very jealous. It all comes with addictions. But anyways, my life became hell for me. I got out of the relationship 1 1/2 years ago. I went for counselling, pulled myself back together, and now I am a better, stronger, happier person.
People can talk about physical abuse and how guys/gals are physically abusive. But emotional and mental abuse can be worse. Black eyes disappear, but emotions don't. They stay with you for a long time.
Thats my thoughts... | |
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| woman and abusive relationships / codependency
Posted: 8/22/2005 11:48:47 AM | People can talk about physical abuse and how guys/gals are physically abusive. But emotional and mental abuse can be worse. Black eyes disappear, but emotions don't. They stay with you for a long time.
People can't even fathom what it's like until they have been there. People want to judge people that are in those kinds of relationships with no knowledge. It doesn't hurt just phycially, but emotionally drains you. Makes you feel like you are worthless and that noone thinks you amount to anything.
to everyone that has been through it!!!!!!!!!!! And, I am so glad that we were strong enough to break away, finally!!!!!!!!! | |
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| woman and abusive relationships / codependency
Posted: 8/22/2005 1:02:46 PM | | In order for any person to control you, they have to break you. That is where the emotional and mental abuse steps in. I do agree, that is what stays with you the longest. All the broken bones and cuts heal and the scars fade. Undoing the mental and emotional damage takes so much more work! I don't know that it ever goes completely away. But, I am a much stronger person now than I ever was before. The experience itself sucked, but there is something positive to come out of it if you let there be. Life is so wonderful once you clear all the lies and negativity out of your head! | |
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| woman and abusive relationships / codependency
Posted: 8/22/2005 1:05:48 PM | ^ I agree- the emotional and mental abuse is the worst part. took me months of therapy to undo alot of what she had done to me. But as I came to the realization that I am a better person now than I was before-I can actually say that it was a learning experiance that I wouldn't wish on anybody else.
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| woman and abusive relationships / codependency
Posted: 8/23/2005 6:36:04 AM | | A friend of mine has just gotten out of her abusive relationship after 2 years and is now starting a support group for battered women in our area. Matter of fact,,her first meeting is tonight. Her ex-bf was controlling to the extreme. She was not allowed to talk to anyone unless he said it was ok,,,no joke. Example,,and this is just one: They once went out to the bar and on her way to the bathroom,,ran into a WOMAN she went to school with. Gabbed for a few then proceeded to the b-room. He came in to the b-room,,slammed her against the wall,,and said to her that when she says she's going to the b-room thats where she'd better be headed and ' did i not tell you you couldnt talk to anyone??' She's had black eyes,,,,red marks from being choked,,,broken vessels in her eyes,,,cut lips and ears. The most recent was a broken sternum and with my pleading,,she threw his a** in jail. FINALLY! | |
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| woman and abusive relationships / codependency
Posted: 8/23/2005 7:18:37 AM |
i really cant let go , we shared for months hours straight, i feel i have no choice but to ignore him for a while , IS THIS HOW I MAKE HIM UNDERSTAND THAT I AM NOT COMMING BACK FOR ABUSE. ( i come back in hopes he will change !!!!! somebody help me, i fell in love with a very controlling abusive man, who also has the most beautiful heart in the world , what do i do ??????????????????help!keep in mind , i fell inlove . we had plans to be together , he stil does, only
This is the mind of someone who allows abuse. Does it really matter how much time you have invested in him if he's abusive? As well, "I love him" is hardly a reasonable excuse for staying. You're an adult. You can choose to leave or you can choose to stay. Someone who is "a very controlling abusive man" does not have "the most beautiful heart in the world". Think about it. | |
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| woman and abusive relationships / codependency
Posted: 8/23/2005 8:35:14 AM | Hello, i think i didnt want to give up hope, but u do have a point - an abusive man doesnt have the biggest heart . , (I DO NOT ALLOW ABUSE ), i DO however have sympathy for people who are abusive- - it is because I do realize somewhear down the line something went terribly wrong . I also beleive this person hasnt been given the tools to change his abusive patterns . He has not been given the chance to be in a relationship without the abuse !
I beleive people are capable of changing there ways, or atleast controlling there behavior.
SO, IF i choose to stay because i have a heart, and i beleive in love, it is because i feel love is helping that other person realize they can change there ways, and helping them work through the changes they so desperatly want to change but do not know how. and to answer your question, yes it does matter how much time i invested in this relationship- because in that time i had a chance to learn the reasons why he is the way he is , and what would be helpful for us both to have a healthy relationship !!!!!!! I think right now he is just testing me , to see if i wil put up with it - not because he wants to be this way , but because he hasnt learned a different way . ( i have patience, and a very strong desire to manifest into reality what i know is possible for the both of us, a non-abusive relationship ) who ever said love is easy ? love is many different things to different people - , for some love is an anger ! . , iI do appreciate your responce very much , it is just that - i feel you judged me to quickly . I reread my last message , and i know i sounded rather weak , and dumb- (I am neither !-) i was vulnerable- I am kind , not weak ! thankyou - ? | |
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| woman and abusive relationships / codependency
Posted: 8/23/2005 9:42:00 AM | | What I keep seeing is girls who had fathers who were not around or lecherous, unavailable, and what they end up doing is becoming "creatures of imitation" without even knowing it. They go for guys with the same qualities: They're not around, emotionally/intellectually unavailable, or aren't serious about getting married (daddy). That's my observation. You can't imitate what you don't know. | |
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