| When the other woman gets called Mommy
Posted: 8/21/2005 9:58:41 AM | I have a slightly sticky situation...
I have a little boy, and he's not talking yet, but he spends between 30%-40% of his week with his Dad.
His Dad is engaged, and has a baby with his fiance on the way. The new baby is only going to be 6-7 months younger than my son, so they will be pretty much growing up together and going through some of the same things at the same time...
I am absolutely mortified that my son may end up calling his step-mother Mommy, because I have seen my friends' children do the same thing.
I don't want to bring it up with my ex because on some days it seems absolutely stupid that I'm even thinking about it - On the other hand, and I know this sounds pretty dumb, I'm the Mommy, and it will probably crush me to hear my little boy call someone else Mommy.
Is it wrong that when I talk to him about him going to his Daddy's, that I refer to her by name? I don't call her 'Step Mom' or anything like that, I always phrase it "You're going to go spend some time with Daddy and Melissa".
I am not bitter towards her, in fact, just a few weeks ago, I bought her a birthday present (from my son, ofcourse), but I just don't want to share the "Mommy" title. Is that wrong? | |
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| When the other woman gets called Mommy
Posted: 8/21/2005 11:12:44 AM | I am still just trying to wrap my head around the math of baby due dates here? Calling her Mommy would be the least of my concerns at this point.
Seriously Chant,... there is nothing you can do about it IF it happens except ask politely that they refrain from encouraging him calling her Mommy but just reinforce that she is "Melissa" ( are you on good speaking terms with your ex and his ( very new ) fiance? if so go for it you have nothing to lose) I am certain as a Mum she would understand your feelings. Your son may do it for a short period of time just when his 1/2 sibling starts calling her Mommy and does the same thing,... it is like my son calling me the babysitters name before calling me Mummy. Familiarity. It will pass. Just takes you by surprise. It will have NO bearing on his feelings for you girl , you will always be Number one in your little boys heart. | |
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| When the other woman gets called Mommy
Posted: 8/21/2005 11:44:56 AM | | It's not stupid at all. I feel some pain everytime my son does things with his step-father for the first time and not me. It's not wrong that you don't want to share the "mommy" title, it's special and you are his mommy. I wouldn't worry though. He may say it out of habit but he knows who his real mom is (the one who gave him life and raised him). | |
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| When the other woman gets called Mommy
Posted: 8/21/2005 11:51:01 AM | | I agree with hanging... My son's called my x's boyfriend daddy and i litterally hit my head on the roof of my car (i was unloading them at her house) but of course they came running back to me for hugs and kisses and didnt want to stay... they know who their real parents are. i wouldnt make a huge deal out of it infront of him but i would ask your X to not call milissa mommy or anything along that line, use first name... i wouldnt even use step-mom until kindergarden or so, until they understand the difference. | |
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| When the other woman gets called Mommy
Posted: 8/21/2005 12:29:12 PM | When my kids were still visitng with their Dad and his new partner they came home one weekend and said "mom" said this, "mom" said that.
I thought I'd been stabbed in the heart...yikes what a thing to hear!!! And I was really disappointed that the "adults" would encourage that.
We had a heart to heart (me and the kids) and I told them they could call her whatever they wanted but not Mom, they only have 1 and that's me. But my kids were a bit older as well.
I called her up later that night and had a discussion with her too (that's when we were all still speaking to each other) It seemed to go as well as I expected.
As long as the adults behave like adults then it should be fine. Have a discussion with your ex and his partner, if he thinks it's just nonsense, go for a coffee with the fiance, I bet she'd understand. Plus if all the kids will be spending that much time together you could also be called "mom" by the new little one at some point if that's all your referred to as. Food for thought. | |
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| When the other woman gets called Mommy
Posted: 8/21/2005 1:43:29 PM | | I don't think you are being silly at all. If your ex has any respect for you as the mother of his child, he would not encourage the little one to call the girlfriend, "mommy." I think that you have every right to state politely what your expectations are on this matter, so as to nip your worry in the bud. Be sure to let him know that you would never dream of allowing your son to call any future mate of yours, "daddy." Some people don't care much about titles etc...but I am proud to be a mommy and the term holds a meaning that symbolizes the bond my child and I share, to the exclusion of all other adults in her life as long as I live. | |
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| When the other woman gets called Mommy
Posted: 8/21/2005 3:52:26 PM | I do not feel you are being silly at all, I remember when my children started calling my ex's wife mom it was like someone was sticking a knife into my heart. They really encouraged my children to call her that and I hated it, when I spoke to my ex he said "Well she is raising them too, so she is also their mom". The thing that hurts even more is that she does not have children and has always wanted them, so now I feel she is trying to take mine!!!!!
After 9 yrs it still hurts when I hear my kids call her mom, but they do not call her that to me. I did not push my kids not to call her mom because they would feel torn with them encouraging it, which is not fair to my children. If you can talk to them and come to an agreement then that would be a great way to go, see how he would feel if the tables were turned.
Good luck girl :) | |
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| When the other woman gets called Mommy
Posted: 8/21/2005 6:02:18 PM | Thanks to everyone for the friendly advice and the reassurance that it's 'motherly' to not want another woman called Mom...
As for doing the math...Don't...Apparently it was a year of good fertility for his father...He engaged his new girlfriend as soon as she found out about the pregnancy...
I know I can talk to his father about it...The guy's pretty understanding of a lot of things, and since he's new at being a parent, for the most part he'll take care of my little boy the way he's taken care of at home (as far as clothes, baths and feeding go)... | |
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| When the other woman gets called Mommy
Posted: 9/1/2005 12:19:37 PM | FROM A KIDS POINT OF VEIW: My porents got divorced when I was 7 so I have been thought the whole thing. When my dad got married to my step mom I didnt even feel comfortable calling her mom because I knew who my mom was. I was even asked by other kids if she was my mom and I would have no problem saying "no she is my step mom" I would think it is weird to call my step mom "mommy" because I have a mom already. I know who my mom is and that is the only one I call mommy!
I LOVE YOU MOM!!!   | |
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| When the other woman gets called Mommy
Posted: 9/1/2005 5:18:36 PM | hun, I worry about the same thing once my ex finds a new gf. if your ex has his head screwed in right with the right amount of brain cells to go with it. He will make it clear to his child that once he/she starts to talk that the new wife is not mommy. Yes, there will be a new little brother or sister but that doesnt mean that that childs mom is theirs.
Just explain to your ex that there are certain boundaries that he can not let your child go into and that he needs to make sure that your child knows this.
If your child ends up calling the new wife mommy, it is not like your child thinks of the new wife as the mom. Your child knows who you are and who she is. U will see with time that things will get into place. | |
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| When the other woman gets called Mommy
Posted: 9/1/2005 8:17:43 PM | no i dont think it dumb if my son called some other woman mom i would hate that and definatly would not alow it he is my son and no one elses  | |
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| When the other woman gets called Mommy
Posted: 9/1/2005 8:26:46 PM | | I think that people over use the word mom. Mom is the woman that gave u life, that raised u and has been there for u, someone that loves u unconditionally. | |
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| When the other woman gets called Mommy
Posted: 9/2/2005 12:28:47 AM | I think ultimately you have re resign to the fact that the child will decide for himself what he wants to call her. If she does in fact marry your ex, it is likely he will call her some term of endearment, and it may be something you have to swallow. Maybe you can talk to your ex and tell him how important the "Mommy" issue is to you. Perhaps they can teach him to call her another form of mother to destinguish between you and her.
When my children were young my ex's mom didnt want to be called grandma because my mom was already being called grandma by her other grandkids (I come from a big family). So the ex's mom decided she wanted to be called Nanny. The kids accepted it and that is what they still call her. Perhaps you guys can agree to do the same.
Ozzie | |
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| When the other woman gets called Mommy
Posted: 9/2/2005 5:11:02 PM | Omg I dont have kids but when I imagine my little son or daughter calling some other guy daddy... that would downright kill me inside.
UV | |
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| When the other woman gets called Mommy
Posted: 9/3/2005 1:57:01 AM | But as parents we have to understand that it is not about us and what we feel. It is about the kids. If the kids feel comfortable with the step mom/dad and want to call them mom or dad, then that is a positive thing for them. We should appreciate that our ex found someone that treats the kids well enough that the kids feel close enough to them to call them a term of endearment. The kids caring or even loving the step parent does not deminish their ability to love you as their bio parent. Love doesnt come on a sliding scale, it can grow as much as we need it to. To place your children in a position where they feel like they have to split their love and loyalty will only result in them resenting you.
Ozzie | |
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| When the other woman gets called Mommy
Posted: 9/3/2005 7:11:02 AM | what you need to do is to ensure that you will always be involved in your sons life as much as possible. If he percieves "Melissa" as a motherly figure as he grows up, then he may as well call her mommy because that is how children see it. If you are not a regular part of your son's life then quite frankly you do not deserve the title of "Mommy", however you are and always will be his mother.
The hard part, if your son calls "Melissa" his mommy ... the only person there is to blame is yourself for not being involved enough in his life in order for him to see that. However, what you do need to do is talk to the ex and ensure that HE (your ex) referrs to his new partner by name and not by title. If you get mad at your son for calling her mommy, then all you are going to do is push him away from you.
i have experience with this .. my parents sepperated when i was very young ... my brother and i lived with our dad. my mom moved in with her boyfriend ... when we went over there my mom made a point to call him by his name, and not calling him our step-father/step-dad ... nor did she refer to his daughter as our step-sister. Now that I've grown, and my moms boyfriend/common-law husband has been there at certain times when I've needed him ... he DESERVES the title of step-father/step-dad. | |
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| When the other woman gets called Mommy
Posted: 9/3/2005 7:48:21 AM | | My ex-husband is now engaged to a woman who my daughter loves. She does not call the other woman mommy. My ex knows exactly what I would say if I ever heard my daughter call the other woman mommy. On the same note, though, the woman does have a son, which my dughter calls her brother. If my daughter calls the other woman mommy, I have yet to hear it. And I better not hear it. I'm the mommy, and the other woman is just somebody else. | |
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| When the other woman gets called Mommy
Posted: 9/3/2005 8:00:42 AM |
And I better not hear it.
or else what ?
just curious, if you were faced with that .... what would your reaction be?
would you punish your child?
would you yell at the other woman?
would you yell at the father?
or would you re-evaluate your impact and influence in your childs life? | |
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| When the other woman gets called Mommy
Posted: 9/3/2005 9:07:26 AM | Chant,
I was in a relationship with a man for 3 years & when we began dating, his daughter had just turned 2. Her mother was a fantastic mom. The little girl and I just hit it off...when she was with her dad, I basically helped him raise her. We snuggled and watched cartoons, I gave her baths, taught her to quit pickin' her nose (lol).
One day she called me "Mommy". Her dad wasn't in the room, so I just said "No, honey, your Mommy is at her house. I'm (insert name here) and we're girlfriends!" Then I just tickled her.
She slipped up a few more times, but I just repeated the same thing and did not make a big deal out of it.
If the woman has respect for your relationship with your child, she will do the same, hopefully! Don't worry about it until you have to cross that bridge.
-sparkle | |
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| When the other woman gets called Mommy
Posted: 9/3/2005 9:59:37 AM | I agree skylar, a mother is a woman who has given birth to a child ... however someone can be a mother but not be a childs mommy. I know that the dictionary simply defines mommy as another way of saying mother ... in the case of children it means something different. Children and Teenagers often call someone "Mom" or "Mommy" who interacts with them in a way that can be considered motherly. Growing up, i called my best friends mom ... mom. Why did i do that? Because she cared about me just like my mother does. My mother knew that i called her that and had no issue with it because it told her that my best friends mom cared about me.
i know its different in this case, but that is how children put things together normally. In the OP's case both the OP and Melissa could be called "Mommy" but guess what ... as skylar has pointed out ... a child can only have one mother. | |
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| When the other woman gets called Mommy
Posted: 9/3/2005 1:13:03 PM | | Maybe it is just me, but I find what I am reading very sad. It seems to be all about the parents and their feelings getting hurt rather than allowing the kids to feel comfortable expressing themselves. | |
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| When the other woman gets called Mommy
Posted: 9/4/2005 5:08:47 AM | I agree with you, I think its pretty selfish on the parents part not to let the children express themselves, I was more concerned that my children were being treated properly. I did not want the children to feel they had to make mommy happy. This has been over ten years ago and his gilfriends have come and gone, and now he has remarried to a wonderful woman who will not have any children born to her. I feel the children are an exptension of their dad and so his his new wife, and if anything every happened to me ,hello, she would become there so called mom. Now my son and his wife have given me a granddaughter and since the ex and his wife live out of town, I send pics and include her, makes Everyone involved compfortable and happy. ok I feel like I'm on a soapbox sorry, but it really irritates me when these women get so insecure. Peace | |
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| When the other woman gets called Mommy
Posted: 9/5/2005 6:08:33 AM | I too hope that my ex finds someone wonderful that will treat the kids like their own. I just am not the type of person to hope bad upon another. Not only because I think we all deserve to be happy, but most of all because if my ex finds a wonderful partner, then she will be happy, and in turn the kids will be happy. And if they came to be one day and said that they were calling him Dad, then I think I would be happy that they felt emotionally close enough to him to do that. But I guess to all their own. Perhaps I am the odd duck of the group, LOL
Ozzie | |
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FFG709
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Joined: 7/30/2005
Msg: 25 | |
| When the other woman gets called Mommy
Posted: 9/5/2005 12:26:10 PM | Hi Chant. Sticky situation indeed, since the kids are very young and so close together in age. They may be very confused why one would call this gal "mommy" while the other one calls her "Melissa". Maybe they'll use both?
I think your feelings are very normal and it does not necessarily mean you are selfish, insecure, or anything bad. It sounds to me like you are being very mature.
Hopefully, Melissa will understand, respect your feelings, and handle the situation as maturely as Sparkle !!
If he does call her mommy, try not to take it to heart too much. When they're a little older and see other mixed families, they may understand the mommy/Melissa difference. | |
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