| Date a separated or newly divorced person?
Posted: 8/21/2005 10:00:01 AM | | I've had a few bad experiences dating separated or newly divorced women. What are your thoughts on just ruling out anyone in that position? | |
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| Date a separated or newly divorced person?
Posted: 8/21/2005 10:08:10 AM | | never get serious about a separated or newly divorced person is my take on it...reason being they still have issues to deal with..you are usually the one that gets them over the hump then they move on....not saying they are bad people they are just at a bad time in their lives | |
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| Date a separated or newly divorced person?
Posted: 8/21/2005 10:14:54 AM | In my case I didn't leave my husband until I KNEW there was absolutely nothing left...so I was perfectly ready to date someone else if the opportunity had presented itself. You have to know the details of the separation before you can judge whether the woman is ready or not.
JJ
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| Date a separated or newly divorced person?
Posted: 8/21/2005 10:52:46 AM | I would not date anyone separated or newly divorced, that’s asking for problems...
I go on the over a year divorced, and that depends how many times they refer to there ex...You have no idea how many times guys bring up there ex, in every story they tell...
Guys, please realize you can tell a story and leave the ex out. I do it all the time.
*smile* I had a date on Friday (9 hour date)
I mentioned to him that fact, he ended up apologising numerous times.
Oh buy the way, I never asked about the history on the ex, only questions for me with
regards to the past are about the kids, as they are # 1 at least till they are 18. | |
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| Date a separated or newly divorced person?
Posted: 8/21/2005 11:00:11 AM | @ ItsPhilD
I read your comments in the forum and with your picture, all I say is shame you are not in Toronto. I did try to email you but alas I am not in the US
Ever visit Toronto??
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| Date a separated or newly divorced person?
Posted: 8/21/2005 11:13:11 AM | | Hey PhilD, judging from my own experience having been through a divorce and dating men who are going through a divorce- it's a bad thing to date someone going through the hell of divorce. There is so much emotional crap you are going through not to mention financial, etc. I have found that men going through a divorce are very bitter (understandably so) and will often take their anger from their ex wife onto you. Women are the same way. All the experts, Dr. Phil, Ms. De Angelis, etc. say to wait a year after a divorce to begin dating. That sounds extreme but from my standpoint, no I would not date anyone newly separated or going through a divorce- the baggage is just too heavy at that point. Besides, if their ex is a jerk- male or female, then you often get caught up in that. Life is difficult as it is, why add more fuel to the fire???? | |
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| Date a separated or newly divorced person?
Posted: 8/21/2005 11:31:21 AM | | well i am seperated but that doesnt mean that i am a bad dating option. i can understand that that can be considered baggage but doesn't everyone have some to some extent? just because im seperated doesnt mean that i have issues that haven't been resolved; thus the reason im getting a divorce. i have a lot to offer and if someone rules me out based on a situation that is the result of a previous relationship then that is a form of stereotyping? why not just rule out people who are a certain race? granted some seperated/ divorced people have issues and unresolved ones as well but it's not fair to categorize all of those who are in a similar situation. you should just rule people out on a person to person basis. you might miss out. | |
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| Date a separated or newly divorced person?
Posted: 8/21/2005 1:35:33 PM | I made the mistake of talking to someone that was seperated. We weren't looking to date intially just chatting then we really seemed to click... and dated for 4 months. He had been seperated for 5 months and had a 3 year old son.
I did not think of his son as baggage at all..
But his soon to be ex would be some pretty horrible baggage to deal with for EVER!
I will NEVEr get involved with someone that is not divorced. I don't even want to chat with anyone that is seperated. Divorce is a finality. So many ups and downs and emotions....
empending divorce, bankruptcy, finalizing child support, living with a family member.....
It's not fair to bring someone into a relationship when you're not REALLY emotionally available.
SO my advise is STAY away!
HMMM I did date someone that was recently divorced.. There weren't any issues that I could pin point. Just wasn't a love connection. | |
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ksue44
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Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 10 | |
| Date a separated or newly divorced person?
Posted: 8/21/2005 2:10:27 PM | Nope, not my cup of tea. Been there, done that. If a person is in the "ing" position - divorcing, separating, losing, grieving, they are at their lowest needs level (physiologically and security).
A "separated" person IMO is still married. Don't like being a Rebound Babe. Until the person has found out what they are about, know what their purpose and plan is in life and have healed from their breakups, they are not good dating material. | |
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| Date a separated or newly divorced person?
Posted: 8/21/2005 2:27:11 PM | ksue- I see it the same way. Either you are married or you are NOT married. Seperated just means that you either need more time prior to dating for the divorce or you won't actually get a divorce for some bizzar reason.
I do see how some people have been in a marriage that has been over for years but stayed together for the kids or some other reason. Then they get divorced as soon as they split. I could see someone like that more ready for a realationship with another person. But as a general rule I think it would not be a smart move to date someone recently divorced or "seperated". | |
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| Date a separated or newly divorced person?
Posted: 8/21/2005 2:45:41 PM | | My experience has been that men who say they are "separated" mean that they are still married and probably still living with their wives but they separated in their brains........just haven't told the wife yet! | |
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w82b
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Joined: 5/9/2005
Msg: 14 | |
| Date a separated or newly divorced person?
Posted: 8/21/2005 4:22:08 PM | I have a general way of viewing newly separated/divorced.
In general they act out in phases.
1. Anger/distraught over their situation. Very bitter and sarcastic towards opposite sex. Nothing good to say, even when they befriend the other gender.
2. Go through the dating phase. Needs the "New attention" of the opposite sex. Less bitter.
3. Becomes girlfriend of a guy that is not her type. She knowingly sacrifices herself to date the wrong type. Usually admits "I knew it wouldn't work from the beginning"
4. Calms down and now becomes more selective. "Mr. Right" doesn't exist. All men are jerks! Men this, men that, etc.
5. They meet a nice guy who dispells their beliefs in men (#4) but nice guy doesn't want to date them for a long term relationship.
6. They continue pestering the nice guy to a very annoying and obnoxious degree in hopes that he will change his mind (He won't).
7. Join POF.
8. Starts negative threads about men.
9. And then repeats steps #2 - 8. | |
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| Date a separated or newly divorced person?
Posted: 8/21/2005 4:32:14 PM | | I have done this and learned that being a transitional woman hurts. It takes a while to know what you need and want after a break up. The first person in line is a testing ground. | |
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0tto
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Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 17 | |
| Date a separated or newly divorced person?
Posted: 8/21/2005 4:38:20 PM | conclusion: keep away or never get into this too seriously :)
by the way as i saw word "date" mostly mean "meet somebody and if there any kind of atraction - get sex as soon as posible but without any obligation".
excuse me if i'm wrong. english is not my first lang. :) | |
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| Date a separated or newly divorced person?
Posted: 8/21/2005 4:51:56 PM | | Gee Island and Otto are really bright people! Heres the thing, people, other then us pof people, do research on this stuff...divorce,dating,sex etc. These supposed experts say that it is best to wait at least one full year after your divorce is FINAL before dating. This way you avoid the comparing, rebounding etc. There are of course exceptions to every rule. Some need longer and some not as long, but im sticking with this one yr. rule of thumb! Also I think getting serious about someone and NOT asking or knowing about their past is stupid! Those who fail to study history are destined to repeat it! So yes talk about the ex but not in excess! | |
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| Date a separated or newly divorced person?
Posted: 8/21/2005 5:33:26 PM | I joined here about 4 months after I filed for divorce, prior we were separated about 9 months. I was honest and put separated. I had no intentions what so ever of going back to my ex. This was my way of getting my feet wet so to speak. Yes, I did meet a few nice guys. I received alot of emails from separated (and some divorced) guys who wanted to "be there for me, offering an ear or shoulder". I believe most were thinking I was at vulnerable state, and an easy lay. NOT! I wasn't looking for that I had come to terms that it was over, and I was moving on. Although there were a few I did become friends with who really helped me out just offering advice or listening, by actually being in my shoes at one time themselves. Still I continue to get emails from separated guys, who just want a friend or to date, I don't mind lending an ear or giving my opinion, yet I don't think I want to get involved into someone else's drama. One guy on here actually claimed to be separated and come to find out was still married and living with his wife, he was just "seeing what was out there". I told him to either get off the computer and work on his marriage or leave. By staying on here he was just hurting his wife, kids and himself, by not being honest. Needless to say he's still on here.
Everyone who is separated/divorced has their own situation or story. Personally I was more than ready to move on until it got to the point where my divorce kept getting delayed to be finalized. That was quite upsetting to me. I felt like my life was on hold. Everytime I thought okay next wk it will be over, it just was delayed another month, etc. I became quite bitter and angry with everyone and everything. I had to take a breather and just deal with my emotions. If the divorce had gone as planned it would have been over the day after I joined here.
I have talked to numerous separated/divorced ppl male and female. I think each person is an individual and you cannot assume they are this way or that way. Yes, some may go back to their spouses, others just need a friend, some a rebound, others just want to advice or share their experience, etc. We all have our own "issues" some just more than others.
I am going to have to say knowing what I went thru myself, I know regardless there are emotional issues on one level or another. Some say you grieve, are angry, depressed, etc for 1-3 yrs. Everybody is different. For me it was the delay that was causing me grief, not the divorce. Though I knew when I filed it was over for good, so I was able to come to terms with things in my own mind.
I believe you need time time alone to learn from your experience, go thru the emotions, feel and deal with them, find what it is you want out of life for YOURSELF. You can only make you happy. Someone else is not going to make you truly happy unless you are happy with yourself. Enjoy life, meeting different ppl, trying new things, etc. Then if someone happens to come along great.
My advice is if you decide to persue someone separated/recently divorced just take it slow, don't be afraid to ask questions, allow space, don't be a constant companion either. | |
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| Date a separated or newly divorced person?
Posted: 8/21/2005 5:44:01 PM | in my limited experience, i'd have to say...
RUN! RUN NOW, DON'T LOOK BACK, FASTER FASTER, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE.
but that's just my humble opinion. | |
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| Date a separated or newly divorced person?
Posted: 8/21/2005 7:19:24 PM | I don't think this a gender specific thing at all but a human condition period. There are many degree's of separation and divorce if the person has their ex in every sentence it's time for them to get a therapist and move on. If their ex is in every second sentence and your on a date again suggest the therapist and move on. If they talk about their ex because you asked and only briefly then in my opinion that sounds healthy and perhaps they are ready for a new relationship. Every story is different and people have ex's for a reason if they only blame the other person as the reason without taking any ownership I would have reservations about that person. But again all stories are different and the call is a personal one.
Dating is supposed to be fun, so try and have fun!
Dude..... | |
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| Date a separated or newly divorced person?
Posted: 8/21/2005 7:22:59 PM | @blonde/\/\/\ Ding ding ding! Good answer.
Now if she's seperated from her husband AND still lives in her (cough) EX-boyfriends house, well....that's another subject altogether, LOL! | |
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| Date a separated or newly divorced person?
Posted: 8/21/2005 7:34:47 PM | ok well...im reading everyones posts and i can completely understand where everyone is coming from on this topic however some things are so judgemntal it's ridiculous!
such as this:
Seperated just means that you either need more time prior to dating for the divorce or you won't actually get a divorce for some bizzar reason.
apparently it is my duty to enlighten some of you people or at least give some more firsthand experience.
In order to retrieve a divorce the two spuses MUST be seperated for a YEAR. so then is it ok to categorize me in the highly damaged, wanting to play the field, unable to commit category? i guess maybe its best not to date seperated/ divorced people and just date low self esteem, afraid to commit, immature, arrogant, sex maniacs instead because they are not or have never been seperated/divorced. i can COMPLETELY understand people being standoffish when it comes to dating someone in such a situation but it is not fair to categorize someone PERIOD! it's stereo typing at its best. if i were not in this situation myself i may feel the way majority of you do however i am and have a different/inside perspective. just because my divorce isn't finalized (and i have NO control over the time constraints) doesn't mean that the marriage isn't over! that's why its imperitave that everyone just base decisions on the person rather than their situations! | |
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