bns
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Joined: 8/23/2005
Msg: 1 | |
| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/4/2005 7:10:35 PM | I really need help here. I am in love with a man who has a drinking problem -to put it midly. I have tried for 2 years just to walk away. I have tried dating other men, I have tried to move on with my life. I keep going back to him. He is wonderful when he is sober....I just can't count on that. He is Dr. Jekyl and Mr.Hyde personified.
Is there anyone out there who can help me...maybe you've been through it. He claims to love me, he claims to want to quit...he even has gone so far as to call AA. But tells me that he is 'scared to death' of going. When he is drinking, nothing else matters....he will choose his beer over me in a heartbeat, when he sobers up he feels SO bad, I can't help but forgive him.
What should I do???? Seriously confused here. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/4/2005 7:16:18 PM | That's a tricky situation. I don't have an alcohol problem, but I was with someone who did for 5 years. I don't doubt that he loves you, but I don't think he really wants to quit. I might get slammed for that, but just my opinion--like I said I don't know what it's like. Just remember that you can't help him, he needs to do it for himself.
Perhaps other members on here who are recovering could give enlighten you as to what is going on inside of him. Good luck... | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/4/2005 7:19:02 PM | You can't change someone.. my father was an alcoholic for years.. even when he wasn't drinking. hehe. At any rate.. your best bet is to get out of the situation.
He says he wants to quit, because he doesn't want to lose you.. been there done that. The only way he is going to quit.. is for him, and until he hits bottom, that isn't going to be happening.
Just my thoughts. Get out of there girl, while you still can. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/4/2005 7:23:21 PM | leave him.
I got an irish family. to the bone.
once theyre a drunken ass theyre always a drunken ass | |
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xpxpk
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Joined: 7/4/2005
Msg: 5 | |
| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/4/2005 7:51:12 PM | Run as fast as you can.
I was in the same situation. I found myself in a church basement at an Alanon meeting while she was out getting drunk. Their advice was to get out. There were women in their 70's still waiting for their partners to dry out.
It's a cycle of drinking and remorse. It doesn't end until he makes the decision. He loves alcohol more than he loves you.
All you can do is leave him. No contact, nothing. That will take incredible strength. He may decide to dry out once you leave him but don't count on it.
If he decides to quit drinking it will be a solitary journey, with the exception of professional help and organizations such as AA. You really can't do anything for him.
This post may sound harsh but it's reality. You have to take care of yourself. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/4/2005 8:04:19 PM | solve it the way I solve it.
they drink they get tough they get beaten with whatever is within my reach (and I,ve got long ass arms)
I,ll admit to the odd binge. but I also go months without booze.
I cant stand a steady drinker.
I enjoy hurting them | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/4/2005 8:07:37 PM | Not tricky to me. Forget him.
You've already said he prefers his liquor to you.
winner......not | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/4/2005 8:22:26 PM | I am an adult child of an alcoholic, and went through a lot of crap.
I found a book many years ago titled "Codependant No More" and when I read it the big thought going through my mind was "Holy Shit - this is me!".
Everyone can preach to the choir, and you can't deny that you have feelings for the guy, but the fact of the matter is that you cannot fix him, no matter how much you try, and you will just make yourself sick trying.
As hard as it is, go back out in the world and find someone else. You're friend will not seek help until HE wants to, and most of the time that is not until they hit bottom or worse, and start to BELIEVE they need help.
My Father is not the same as my lover, but I can tell you that my relationship with him improved DRAMATICALLY after I moved into my own place and got away from everything that was going on. I found I could go visit him during the day and have a good relationship with him - and not see or experience all the other crap that went on. This process is called detachment - you remove yourself from the problem and just accept the good.
Unfortunately you cannot do this with a significant other - you are always going to be there for both parts - the good and the bad. Unfortunately the only way to make it better for YOU is to find someone else. Sprinkle the pain with a few positive reminders that this is HIS problem, not yours, and the small amount of pain you have now from leaving will be vastly less than the huge amount of pain you will endure if you stay.
Sorry for rambling... sensitive subject... | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/4/2005 8:35:07 PM | My name is Len. I'm a recovering alcoholic.
Is there anyone out there who can help me...maybe you've been through it. He claims to love me, he claims to want to quit...he even has gone so far as to call AA. But tells me that he is 'scared to death' of going. When he is drinking, nothing else matters....he will choose his beer over me in a heartbeat, when he sobers up he feels SO bad, I can't help but forgive him.
What should I do???? Seriously confused here.
You have just described me in my drinking days. Forgiveness makes you an enabler. Tough love was the anwser for me. There is nothing you can do, threatn, or offer that will make one bit of difference in an alcoholic's decison to stop. Walk away. When he does decide to stop (if ever) he will then also be able to decide whether he loves you or not. Then you can decide if you want him back.
You cannot put your life on hold for someone else's addiction. Don't you deserve some happiness too??
"If you love something,
Set it free.
If it comes back, its yours,
If it doesn't it never was." | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/4/2005 8:37:12 PM | ya my dad used to say he was sorry over a lot of things.
doesnt change threataning a childs life. or a womans life. or making them live in fear.
or sticking them with issues for years if not forever.
someday soon I,ll be getting revenge.
usually bullys arent to happy when someone gets bigger.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I geuss you can kind of tell I,m not to fond of alcoholics huh? | |
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bns
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Joined: 8/23/2005
Msg: 11 | |
| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/4/2005 8:38:06 PM | I appreciate all of the advice I really do. I need to hear from people who have been there and I realize that by responding to me you are revisiting old wounds.
I do know that I need to walk away. He will never hit rock bottom - I don't think. He has a mother that picks up his dirty laundry for him, brings it back all clean and folded, leaves groceries at his door and covers his rent for him. She refers to his binges as 'rest time' because he won't answer his phone and will not answer his door. "he needs his rest, he works too hard". He is months away from his 40th birthday. I cannot fight against such enabling.
I have very seriously considered going to Alanon in order to learn how to stay away. I will get that book you suggested.
Thank you all for helping me through this time.
I do not think I want to bother 'getting out there' as I mentioned. I have been out there and find that the men out there are no better, at least not the ones I come into contact with.
Enough is enough I think. | |
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bns
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Joined: 8/23/2005
Msg: 12 | |
| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/4/2005 8:40:40 PM | The best revenge is simply to live a good life. You don't have to forgive your Dad, but he has already ruined the better part of your life, why give him one more second.
Just walk away show him that you are a better man than he could ever hope to be. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/4/2005 8:47:50 PM | This is the prayer I turn to not only to maintain my sobriety but for life in general
God grant me:
Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can, and
Wisdom to know the difference. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/4/2005 8:58:07 PM | Most addicts / alcoholics must hit rock bottom before they can try to quit, they must loose their jobs, houses, support of family, loved ones. If you do stick around it will be a rough and unpleasant ride, ultimately this decision is yours to make. Look for an alanon group. This is for people that are affected by the addictions of one’s they love. They’ll tell ya’ 1st hand what to expect.
Most addicts / alcoholics will tell you if they didn't find a support group to help them kick they would have ended up either in jail, mental institution, or dead.....
Good luck.... | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/4/2005 9:07:55 PM | me and my dad have a pretty weird realationship.
it cant be described at all.
sometimes were like brothers. other times ready to kill eachother.
we even look almost identical.
exept he,s 20 years older | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/4/2005 9:17:04 PM | When I saw this thread it made my heart stop. You poor thing. Get your ass to al-anon now! Call to-night or in the morning and get going. That man put you behind a bottle of beer. You are a co-dependent and an enabler. Just as sure as I sit here typing you are one more cause for his drinking. If you love him, you stop that right now girl! I know cause I am in AA myself. On these forums I run an AA thread for Alkies. When I sobered up I went to AA and al-anon both. I discovered I was co-depedent and an enabler. I had to walk away from a 35 year marriage to let my husband fall to his own bottom. Every-ones bottom is a different level. There are some who lose it all and end up under a bridge fighting a dog for a sandwich. There are those who shape up real fast and lose hardly anything. The longer you wait the more he will lose. Do you really want that on your conscience? Now stop being foolish and get moving. It will mean walking outside your comfort zone in a way you have never done before. But if I can do it, any-one can. My life to-day is a dream compared to what it used to be. Yours will be too. I sincerely wish you Luck sweetie......now GO!! | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/4/2005 9:22:03 PM | Rock bottom Defined= while waiting for a bus I saw a crack. mabey meth head writhing convulsing and contorting themselves so much she couldnt even light her hit. she wasnt even a human anymore.
for about 10 minutes people avoided looking at her. I couldnt help but stare.
I had my drug days. nothing even closely resembling that but damn. did that ever make me think | |
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bns
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Joined: 8/23/2005
Msg: 18 | |
| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/4/2005 9:31:26 PM | | Thank you Ruby Lips for such an open message. Funnily enough I have the meeting schedule for Alanon pinned to my office wall so that I have to look at it everyday. I know I have to go, but like you said it means "walking outside your comfort zone in a way you have never done before". But honestly, the idea that by standing by his side I am actually hurting him, breaks my heart. If me walking away from him truly is the best thing for him, then I will. | |
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bns
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Joined: 8/23/2005
Msg: 19 | |
| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/4/2005 9:32:26 PM | | So trvlingman, are you healthy now, is that the one defining moment that changed your life? | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/4/2005 9:55:04 PM | trvlingman.. your first message well, perhaps it explains the second message you posted. Beating someone.. yeah, that will solve the problem.. get real... addictions are a very difficulty thing to discuss and to give advise on. I know from 4 angles. I've been sober for over 6 years now. I'm a nurse that deals with addicted patients on a day to day basis. I grew up in an alcoholic family, and I am married to an addict (We are currently separated because of his addiction.) Everyone feels that they have the answer. They don't cause no one does. I agree with the other writers that it's up to the addict if and when they want to stop. It's going to be a MAJOR life change cause it means changing your social life, your aquaintances, and your will eventually have to face the issues that you are running away from. It's hard to believe when the addict says they love you, cause if they did they would quit... WRONG! That's what I believed and still struggle with today. It has nothing to do with their love for you.. it's the love they don't have for themselves. It IS about choices though, and like my situation, the addict will always choose his or her drug of choice (if they aren't in recovery) over anything else in their life that they hold dear. It's not because they are bad people, although it can cause them to act like a jerk, it's because they have an addiction that is a recognized, diagnosed medical illness. I akin it to diabetes. It is a chronic condition that requires lifelong attention. If you're a diabetic, you need to take your medication and eat properly. If you eat a bag of cookies,, you're gonna be in trouble. If you're an addict, you have to learn to manage your disease which means taking care of your TOTAL self, staying away from old aquaintances and triggers whether they be bars, crack houses, casinos, etc.
Now, as far as being on the other side of the coin. It sure sounds easy to just walk away. But when it is a matter of the heart, it's not that easy. They also say at AlAnon, when you don't know what to do, do nothing. Meaning no knee-jerk reactions. Trust that you are in the situation to learn and only YOU can make the decision to stay or leave. Sometimes when the addict sees that you are getting healthy,,by continuing to live your own life and seek help for your own issues, they may follow suit, or they may not.. Again It's about choices. Good luck. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/4/2005 10:15:01 PM | the major problem with most in my family (especially dad) is they dont really have a drug of choice. just getting high is the choice.
been there done that.
naturally aggressive anyway. it,s a bunch of irishmen. go figure.
they like to play the bully.
I was over that by about 6th grade.
that being said the second anyone puts there hands on me. it,ll be the battle of their lives.
at this point I pretty much refer to myself as the worlds smartest idiot.
I think more people need to know what it,s like to be on both sides of a fence.
to be abused and an abuser.
to have wads of hundreds in your pockets. to having lint in them.
to be drunk and sober.
I dont care if people like to drink. so do I damn it. but learn to control it.
if people want to get high. fine control it.
you want to fight. theres lots of other guys lookin to. dont you dare put your hands on your family. if you do your not a man. just a drunk **** that needs to go toe to toe with a man.
see how much most like to fight after knowing what that intimidation can be like (fear is the greatest weapon in the world.) | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/4/2005 11:06:13 PM | I think every relationship in the past that involved substance abuse, be it Booze, Street or Psych Drugs, those relationships fell apart in no Time.
Would never go there again ... walk away, don't look back. | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/5/2005 1:43:39 AM | Hi. i really feel for you, i am a 51 year old man and have been clean and dry for18 years now, and have no intensions of ever starting again.. i have lost many things and people in my life, but the most important thing that i've lost was my health, i had to have a liver transplant from drinking.... I had my transplant 5 years after i sobbered up.
It seems to me that your man friend is not ready to put the cap on the bottle, he has to hit bottom before he stops.. it's not that he doesn't love you, but booze is a very hard thing to stop!! And you saying that he has called AA is not nearly enough, he might have done that to please you and keep you with him for a while longer ,, what he needs is to go away to a Detox Centre,, i did for 28 days,, they tare you appart and rebuild you. sort-to-speak . to some degree i mean,, but he HAS to want to quit.. until he is ready to commit and carry out this very dificult task he will never stop.. i'm afraid that you should cut away, and try to start over after you had some time off of course... because i'm sure he must have drainned you emotionaly.. i know that sounds harch and cruel, but he will just distroy you.. i'm not sure how long he has been drinking or how old he is.. but the older you get the harder it is.. and as long as you keep coming back he will have no real reason to stop.. but he need to stop because he wants to stop, not for fear of loosing you.. i wish you luck on this difficult road ahead.. Good luck to you and him..
Lukky | |
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| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/5/2005 2:59:18 AM | good for you lucky , stay clean. as for bns they are all right if you love him let him go , dont help him kill himself, and if you love yourself you must leave ,Iknow, I dont want to explain, but you need to look to god for stregnth and find yourself again, find the you thats you, the you without him , JUST YOU. Its not selfish, its selfull. its called self preservation. its human nature. if and when he s better, thats another chapter, cross that bridge when you get to it. take it one day at a time.and in time you will know you made the right decision, if its on your mind, maybe you should listen,and trust in god to make everything alright. and dont be angry or sad, its all part of the journey to a better place in your life. listen to yourself and live you life, go with god and be happy. | |
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Squat
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Joined: 8/27/2005
Msg: 25 | |
| Dating an alcoholic
Posted: 9/5/2005 3:14:13 AM | | Buy him a 4 pack of special brew and the nights yours!!! | |
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