| Straighforward vs. The Nice White Lie
Posted: 9/12/2005 4:52:13 PM | I started this thread after having read the "meaning" thread started by paradise 31.
I have dated a lot of guys. In the course of my dating history, a large percentage (I would say probably better than 60%) choose the "nice white lie" over the straightforward approach when breaking it off. Whether it's been one date or many.
I myself prefer to be straightforward as I don't like to lie about whether or not I'm interested in someone. I aim to be a diplomatic as I can because I don't want to hurt anyone. Still, I prefer it over lying and giving the other person hope which leads to hurt once I am no longer around for them talk to about it.
So my question for the guys out there is: why do guys do this? do the majority of gals do the same thing? Is it a gender split? Is it a heterosexual thing?
For a long time I thought that perhaps the specific person doing the "nice white lie" lacked either the guts to face the music or the empathy to understand the impact on me. I don't know though--could that high a percentage of the male world really not care or be cowardly? I don't think so.
Help--any advice and opinions are welcome. | |
|
| Straighforward vs. The Nice White Lie
Posted: 9/12/2005 4:57:50 PM | White lies-unfortunately they still exist as "excuses"..
I prefer honesty-rqather have someone tell me "it is not working" then some outlandish tale.
I believe you are correct in your statement about lacking morals. I knew someone once that was soooooo insensitive-and hurtful just for telling lies. | |
|
| Straighforward vs. The Nice White Lie
Posted: 9/12/2005 4:57:54 PM | | They can definitely say they're not interested in a nice way. I've heard that done before and it makes the person feel a bit better, I think, then making out that you're interested in them when you're not. It's just giving them false hope and it's a big letdown in the end. | |
|
| Straighforward vs. The Nice White Lie
Posted: 9/12/2005 5:28:49 PM |
They can definitely say they're not interested in a nice way.
Precisely. I've managed to do it on a number of occasions without having the conversation descend into an insult match. I'm not saying that none of the guys were hurt but just that it was handled in what I consider to be a conscious, adult manner.
Hey guys, any help for me here? Have you done this--if so what was your reasoning? Help me to understand the Y chromosone just a little bit better. Thanks! | |
|
| |
xpxpk
|
Joined: 7/4/2005
Msg: 6 | |
| Straighforward vs. The Nice White Lie
Posted: 9/12/2005 6:34:43 PM | The most obvious answer is that the white lie is spoken to spare your feelings, but it runs much deeper than that. Some questions:
Does he really know the answers in order to be straightforward?
For reasons that are not apparent to him the relationship has reached a conclusion. His feelings have waned. He invents the white lie because he doesn't have the answers himself. I don't know if this is gender specific.
Does he really want to expose his soul to someone who is about to become a stranger?
For most of us, male or female, it is extremely difficult to understand our own emotions and express them openly. We usually have our most candid, heart to heart talks with our closest friends, confidants, and partners. It is counterproductive to a breakup to share one's innermost feelings with a soon to be ex partner.
Is he a coward?
Yes, us guys can be cowards. Once we decide that it's over, we invent a load of crap and run for cover. What's worse, we can treat our partners like shit, hoping that they go out and do something reactionary so we can blame them for the breakup.
Whether it's a white lie, or a simple statement like, "It's over", an unresolved breakup can be very difficult to deal with. When answers are not available we invent our own. which may be furthest from the truth. What we would really like is for our ex partner to take his/her share of the responsibility so we can deal with our own share.
I can equate a guy's white lie to a woman's wish to remain friends. They can both be attempts to smooth things over. | |
|
| Straighforward vs. The Nice White Lie
Posted: 9/12/2005 11:35:09 PM | | A white lie is not deception since you both know it is a lie said to be gentle. In this sense it is a kindness to soften the effects of language, which can be pretty devastating point blank. I would take it as a token of compassion and be glad for the gentle touch. | |
|
| Straighforward vs. The Nice White Lie
Posted: 9/13/2005 12:03:43 AM | A lie is a lie,small or not!
I knew this girl whom I was interested in last year,and we knew each other only a couple
of months,and although we talked a lot and met for the weekend,she proclaimed her love
for me!
Remember,I only knew her two months,and already she was promising me that I'll never be alone and that she would never leave me!
she was even willing to move into my town with her two kids just so I could move in with
her!She kept saying how much she loved me!
She hardly knew me,and after what she said she went through,how can she be so sure I would be like the last one she was with?
I'm no where nears the same as her last boyfriend,but how can she be so sure???
So you know what,I told her there's no way she can be so in love with me after being so hurt by her last relationship!I got hurt bad too,and her saying them things to me just doesn't wash with me!
I told her that I like her,but that she was rushing things along too quick!She got pissed at me,but at least I didn't lead her on,I told straight out why I just wanted to be friends
for now!
Been a year now,no contact since then,I guess friends wasn't good enough for her!!
As long as I live,I will always be honest,that's just me!!
Knight Rider! | |
|
| Straighforward vs. The Nice White Lie
Posted: 9/13/2005 9:40:18 AM |
It is counterproductive to a breakup to share one's innermost feelings with a soon to be ex partner.
I can understand that. What about dating situations though, where there is no relationship yet established. Why in those situations is a line such as "I'll call you tomorrow so we can get together" used as an exit line? And how can I tell the difference between the sincere ones and the not-sincere ones? I don't want to paint everyone with the same brush, so I choose to be generous. I just need some help understanding so perhaps I can learn to distinguish better.
Yes, us guys can be cowards. Once we decide that it's over, we invent a load of crap and run for cover. What's worse, we can treat our partners like shit, hoping that they go out and do something reactionary so we can blame them for the breakup.
That's quite an assessment. Do you mean this--or are you being sarcastic?
I can equate a guy's white lie to a woman's wish to remain friends. They can both be attempts to smooth things over.
I absolutely agree. And the smoothing works well if both people realize what's going on and that they are being "delicate" with each out of consideration for feelings. | |
|
| Straighforward vs. The Nice White Lie
Posted: 9/13/2005 9:44:02 AM |
A white lie is not deception since you both know it is a lie said to be gentle. In this sense it is a kindness to soften the effects of language, which can be pretty devastating point blank. I would take it as a token of compassion and be glad for the gentle touch.
Thank you for the feedback. So in your opinion, the guy probably thinks I'm aware that it's a white lie at the time of the telling? In my case, I figure it out after the fact.... (of course there are times when it is utterly obvious). | |
|
| Straighforward vs. The Nice White Lie
Posted: 9/13/2005 9:51:10 AM |
So my question for the guys out there is: why do guys do this?
I read what one guy wrote about this in a book recently. He said, a guy would rather cut off his right arm than have a girl shout at him or even worse cry.
I guess they just can't handle emotions? | |
|
| |
| Straighforward vs. The Nice White Lie
Posted: 9/13/2005 12:09:45 PM | | I've always been honest and straightforward. My earlier encounters with women, I wasn't that popular, but now that I'm a little older and the women I encounter have matured, I'm seen as a stand up guy. It's actually appreciated, the women at least know where they stand with me. It works for me. | |
|
| Straighforward vs. The Nice White Lie
Posted: 9/14/2005 4:13:36 PM |
I guess they just can't handle emotions?
I know that's been the case with at least a couple of my ex's . . . . I just don't get that though. | |
|
Home
login 
