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| Men dating single mothers
Posted: 9/22/2005 2:03:36 PM | My heart goes out to single mothers looking for love. I can't completely understand how it must feel, of course, but having been raised by a single mother, I can conceive how difficult and lonely it must be to be in that situation. I know there are a lot of single mothers who would make a great catch!
Which leads me to my question, directed to my fellow men: Do you pass up the chance to date women on here or out there as soon as you see she has children? If so, why? I know the answer to these questions will vary, of course, depending on what you are looking for, but I'm mainly speaking to those of you who are dating because you want to find a life companion. | |
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| Men dating single mothers
Posted: 9/22/2005 2:14:08 PM | I'd love to meet a single mother. let me rephrase, a good single mother. I went out with a single mom (mind you I am a single dad) a couple of times. We had not met each others children. She was a great date, a nice girl, a lot of fun. When I saw the way she treated her child, I lost interest in a hurry. Flip side of that... I was at the park with my daughter the other day and saw a slightly older than me woman playing with her little boy (roughly my daughters age). Kind, pacient, loving... All the things you want to find, but never get a chance to see in a person through the normal dating scene.
To get to the point. I'm not only looking at mothers to date, but a single moms going to be able to put me at ease and break down my walls concerning letting people into my childs life a lot faster than someone without children. I like the idea of someone that understands where I'm coming from. | |
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| Men dating single mothers
Posted: 9/22/2005 2:17:32 PM | | I'm not a man, but I felt the need to reply. First off you sound like a guy who has an insightfull outlook on single moms....having been raised by one. I chose to bring my child into this world as a single mom. His father had assured me he truly wanted to be a part of our childs life in all ways, physically, spiritually, financially, emotionally etc. It didnt work that way and I was left to raise my son on my own from the age of 19 months of age. It was then I decided to do just that.....raise my son. I made a decision not to actively date and would not parade men in and out of my sons life. It was the right decision for me and today because I devoted those years to him I have a bright, caring, respectfull, sensitive and most of all, very secure son who is almost grown. I couldnt be more proud of how my son has turned out. Have there been difficult and lonely times along the way......sure, but I am happy I made the decision to focus on my sons well being during those years. It will be interesting seeing what kind of answers you get to your question! | |
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| Men dating single mothers
Posted: 9/22/2005 2:20:53 PM | you have just been slating all single mothers in the other thread and now you've come on here and said you once dated someone who had children!!!
you're a hypocrit, but i say no more because i'm going totally off topic here. | |
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| Men dating single mothers
Posted: 9/22/2005 2:29:27 PM |
Women with children generally have no goals or vision for what they want out of life and end up living a poor, or at best, mediocre lifestyle.
GENERALLY speaking, you are generalizing single moms, which is incredibly narrow minded.
There are exceptions, of course, like J.K. Rowlings could probably find a date pretty easily.
Did you know she was on welfare before her books made it big? Other than being financially stable now, I bet she is the same person she was, while being on welfare!
Where is a good eye rolling smilie when ya need one.....sheesh! | |
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| Men dating single mothers
Posted: 9/22/2005 2:39:51 PM | so here you are again, starting in another forum!!
i'll just tell you, yes i don't have a lot of money, i can't afford alot of things, but it's called raising a child, everything he needs, i get him and i am willing to go without for his sake.
just because some of us are poorer than you because we are single parents, does not make us bad parents at all.
i will also tell you that i would rather have no money and my son, than have money but not have my son.
money can't buy you happiness.
i've no further comment in any thread you add to because your opinions arent worth answering. | |
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| Men dating single mothers
Posted: 9/22/2005 2:52:11 PM | so you do what you have to do then and go for your goals, but please don't come on here slating people and putting people down, we all choose different ways of living, mine by no choice is being a single mother, but it doesn't make me a bad person.
you've obviously suffered alot since your childhood, and instead of picking on other people on here, you could have started your own thread and talked about your own fears, you are taking your childhood out on every one else.
my childhood was good but i know so many people who have had it bad, but they don't go around judging anyone else.
life is what you make it. | |
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| Men dating single mothers
Posted: 9/22/2005 2:54:16 PM | | I'm with you Ruth, there is no point in trying to discuss something with anyone who is insulting and only interested in being 'right'. I'm still waiting to see some responces from other men on this subject. | |
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| Men dating single mothers
Posted: 9/22/2005 2:55:22 PM | | me too, it's gone way off subject here, but hopefully some other men will add something soon. | |
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| Men dating single mothers
Posted: 9/22/2005 4:19:50 PM | all i have to say is be who you want to be. if being greedy and materialistic is your way of life then by all means, go for it.
for myself, i chose to have a child with or without the help of a significant other, and despite the fact that i don't have much money...and yes, i'm on welfare for the 3 months i'm taking maternity leave from my job...i choose to live this life...raising a child for the joy and pleasure, love and commitment, good times and bad and simplicity that goes with being a mother and caretaker. why judge someone who chooses a different life path than your own? no one is perfect. though i may be living in poverty (in your eyes), in my eyes, i'm living a rich life with my baby boy.
before you go and "generally" speak of all single mothers...why don't you take the time to get to know some...hear about accomplishments and maybe even failures...you said you've dated one single mom...that's one out of how many? | |
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| Men dating single mothers
Posted: 9/22/2005 4:33:43 PM | that is not selfish. i was with someone...he lied, cheated, and stole money from me.
i chose to keep my baby with or without him. do you really think it's fair to me or my
child to continue to live with someone who is going to constantly lie, cheat and steal
to please himself and only himself?
before you go judging me, maybe take the time to get to know my situation. what i chose
to do was in no way selfish.
i don't need to justify myself to you or anyone else. i just wish you'd grow up some day and learn to accept all kinds of people and ways of life before you judge someone. really makes me wonder what kind of a man you really are. | |
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| Men dating single mothers
Posted: 9/22/2005 4:55:36 PM | I have dated a few and known a few single mothers.......I myself am the product of a single mothers efforts to raise children alone.
like all catagories (not fair to call single moms a catagory, but for lack of a better word) I have seen good and bad.....
not every one was meant to be an astronaut, not every woman was meant to be a mother.
or man a dad for that point.
good on you if you are striving to raise your child the best way you know how, good no you for have the guts the opposite sex seems to lack more and more often these days.
as for dating single mothers, it is all about how you act with your child that helps me decide if I can handle 1. your way of raising your child and agree or at least see the reason behind it 2. how you will be with me and the possible future of our kids
love is love it knows no bounderies, and if that love comes to me with a family package, so be it. | |
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| Men dating single mothers
Posted: 9/22/2005 5:11:02 PM | | @ Drink...come on now....some of us..are single by choice to make our childs life better. I make more money than my ex....and more money than most of the people I know...and with the exception of losing a lot of money in my last relationship to a man who is what you describe females like...I do pretty well for not only myself but my daughter as well. And my daughter never wants for attention..I've said it before and will say it again..she comes first in my life. So please I beg you...don't generalize. Thanks :) | |
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| Men dating single mothers
Posted: 9/22/2005 5:59:14 PM | drink,
some of us single moms are not living in poverty...... last i heard, mcdonald's doesn't pay an extreme amount of money. | |
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| Men dating single mothers
Posted: 9/22/2005 6:02:05 PM | I'd love to date a single mother. I am a single dad of two so I understand how hard it can be to get the time. I have no problems dating a woman who has children. In fact seeing how she is with her children tells me how good of a prospect she really is. Since I have kids I think the same holds true in reverse.
Unfortunately all to often I think too many single parents when we see each other assume that the other is married with our kids. The other problem seems to be timing. With two sets of kids often going different directions it can be hard to get together with the ones you know are single parents. | |
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| Men dating single mothers
Posted: 9/22/2005 6:24:46 PM | Baggage, poverty, no similar goals, out of shape, little to no education, no hobbies, no freedom, etc etc etc
I dated a woman with a child once. Very nice lady, still friends with her, but our lives were just too different. I felt 26 going on 40 while dating her. I felt her daughter did not get the full attention from her mother, and that upset me. I felt bad for her daughter as I thought she was a wonderful kid who was longing oh so bad for a father.
Women with children generally have no goals or vision for what they want out of life and end up living a poor, or at best, mediocre lifestyle.
There are exceptions, of course, like J.K. Rowlings could probably find a date pretty easily.
Holy Crapola Bateman did I just read that???
Did you just generalize all single mothers???? I am a mother of 5 buddy.. I own a 300,000.00 home...I am not poor, I am attractive, I have many goals and have fulfilled many, my children have a great mom who is very in touch with their lives.. I was PTA president, I am very active in our community and church. I am probably better educated than you.. absolutely more intelligent, and have much more than a mediocre lifestyle..
I am a fantastic catch.. my relationships end because I refuse to SETTLE. I know what I want out of life.. do you? That was one of the most pathetic excuses for a post I have read in a while and I have been reading Vixen's crap... Grow up.. obviously we are not the ones with the baggage....Only MY opinion.... | |
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| Men dating single mothers
Posted: 9/22/2005 9:46:46 PM | Matthew...
I applaud you for taking an open-mind to this -
Next I must apologize at the disjointedness of this thread it appears that the mods have deleted the thread that was similar & the posters that were fueling some animosity in it.
Dating single parents is not easy - being a single parent dating is even harder.
I want a life companion & that is my second goal - after raising amazing kids... Many single parents are great catches & so are their kids... once you open your minds & hearts to the possibilities.
C | |
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| Men dating single mothers
Posted: 9/22/2005 9:47:20 PM | I believe the thread was about men's feelings about dating single mothers not a critique of any single mother's ability.
As a middle aged life long bachelor I have been dating single mom's for over 25 years. Some of them are good mommas and some not so. I should never have found that out in the vast majority of cases. A single parent should not introduce the children to a prospective beau until they have been dating for at least a year, yes a full year. Not until the two adults have decided to make a serious commitment to each other. Children do not need to see a parade of men wander through their lives. It only teaches them that men are transient and not to be depended upon.
As for the "Male" perspective; I will never again meet the children prior to a full year of knowing the mother for a multitude of reasons.
1) I need to know how I feel about the woman, just the woman. I do not need to stay with her because I fell in love with her kids. I have none of my own and believe me there have been times when leaving her was a whole lot easier than leaving them. Just as importantly, I need to know she is interested in a relationship with me, not just what I would offer her children.
2) Will she have or find time for me/us...alone. This is not selfish, ask any happily married couple with children if they set aside time away from the children just for the sake of their relationship. Too many times I have been involved with "Supermoms" only to realize too late that "my child comes first" means she sees her relationship with me as something less than secondary. Indeed, I suspect too many do not want a relationship, they want a man... that is, sex... regularly, but it is not respectful to admit that openly. So they pretend to want a man in their life when they have little intention or time, to work on the relationship. I have felt like a drone at times. --- Once, when I asked for some adult time with my lady, she accused me of wanting her to "abandon my child!"--- I just wanted to have a romantic dinner.
3) When the child gets over the novelty of having a new playmate around, they will often see me as a threat to their relationship with momma. Competition if you will for her attention. Then the battle begins. Refusing to be polite, refusing to go to sleep until I leave, refusing to even let momma focus on me for the slightest moment. This is a lot to deal with while still trying to decide if the adult relationship has a future. On the other hand, if the relationship with the mother is solid and committed, the two adults can work on this together.
4) Will the mother feel threatened by my relationship with the child. Quite often a single mom has spent all of herself on her child and feels not just as the protector/provider but sees the child as her whole life. When I come along and can be goofy and comical the child responds to the new funny guy in her life... the mother can actually feel threatened by that. She feels she has to make a choice. If she keeps me, she loses something with her child. If she drives me away, she regains the exclusive priority she had in her role as the special person in the childs life. If the man is new in her life, the decision is easy...for her...painful for him.
5) Single mothers have a whole diffferent idea of what is important in life. Birthday parties for instance...whoohoo...not just her child's, her nephews', nieces', cousins', friends' children, neighbours' children, milkmans' children, strangers' children...the list is endless...
You like spicy food, sure, no prob, if you consider Chesse Whiz spicy.
Sponteneity...a single persons luxury gone with the wind... single moms exhibit the kind of advance planning that N.A.S.A. would envy.
Literature, you like to read? Well now we are talking. You will read more books than you ever dreamed...or is it the same book 5000 times? (actually this is not a complaint... this is one of the sweet parts)
6) Unconditional Love...do not get me started!!
I write this only to appeal for a little understanding for the other side. Dating is treacherous at the best of times. To date someone whose attention is so obviously and continuously divided is a real challenge. Would you criticise a man who avoided career women because they were too devoted to their careers to put much effort into a romance? It takes even more determination and sincerity to succeed where a third (or more) human being is involved. | |
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| Men dating single mothers
Posted: 9/22/2005 10:54:59 PM | | mr sullen....what a very honest and heartfelt reply and how very refreshing. I myself knew I wanted to invest everything that I could in raising my son so I chose not to date while doing so. I know that is not an easy option for many single parents but it was the right decision for my son and myself. Now that he is almost grown and is far more independant, I am ready to once again open myself up to a relationship. | |
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| Men dating single mothers
Posted: 9/22/2005 11:20:44 PM | | mr sullen - thanks for the fascinating and insightful perspective, based on your experience. And I'm ready to hear more... | |
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| Men dating single mothers
Posted: 9/23/2005 2:59:09 PM | | Talk about a guy I'd like to buy a beer and sit down and talk about life with. | |
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| Men dating single mothers
Posted: 9/23/2005 5:08:44 PM | I wouldnt pass up dating a nice woman because she has children. In fact it may make the match better since she would better understand the scheduling difficulties and situations that pop up when you are a single parent.
Ozzie | |
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| Men dating single mothers
Posted: 9/23/2005 8:40:09 PM | Oh, my!!!
I cannot believe everything I just read.
I am a single mom, and I chose this life, as oppose to the abuse, living with my childrens father. I'm an intelligent, responsible, and very sociable, "yummy mommy"...so I'm told. I'm an amazing catch!
All moms are different, as all women are different. Yes, there are some that do not treat their children as YOU might expect. But I've also dated many single fathers, and most of them do not treat their children as I might expect. Remember, the children will not be around forever. They do grow up and establish lives of their own. If the adults have established a relationship that they want to work on, then they will both be willing to work on the relationship with the children as well. Its a two way street.
To all those single moms out there: Pull up your socks, set your priorities, realize your goals, get on with living. Just because we have children, does NOT mean we have to devot our lives to them. We can still be great moms, and have time to date, work, study, and maybe a dance class or two. Where there's a will there's a way. | |
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| Men dating single mothers
Posted: 9/23/2005 9:09:30 PM | CelticPrincess:
I want a life companion & that is my second goal - after raising amazing kids... Many single parents are great catches & so are their kids... once you open your minds & hearts to the possibilities.
I find that sometimes just having a kid can almost automatically weed out any unreliable folk, or people that you really don't want in your kids' life anyway (like a deadbeat ex).
MrSullen you make some good & some interesting points:
Children do not need to see a parade of men wander through their lives. It only teaches them that men are transient and not to be depended upon. My mother actually had a few men meet me when I was a kid - and I'm sure I didn't meet all of the people she dated - only the ones she thought were going to become anything meaningful. Luckily I have a Dad who was there for me & helped my mom (not a deadbeat) - every other weekend, child support the whole nine yards, and I hold him in the highest regard. If only I had realized this before getting with my ex that I actually wanted a man with more of my Dad's qualities than I would like to admit...
...Will she have or find time for me/us...alone.
...
On the other hand, if the relationship with the mother is solid and committed, the two adults can work on this together... Will the mother feel threatened by my relationship with the child...
Sponteneity...a single persons luxury gone with the wind...
I can fully respect your side of the arguement - and as for the sponteneity & time alone thing, well if you want time alone, then she needs to be able to plan for someone to watch her kids right? You really can't have the cake & eat it too - unless you know who she uses as a babysitter & do the arrangements for the mother so it seems more "spontaneous".
I applaude that you think of the other little life in the picture. I wish I had been on POF just after I broke up with my ex (and that your particular post had also been in there!). Life doesn't come with a manual though, and we all do the best we can. I think I will be taking your advice quite seriously MrSullen. Thank you!
~K. | |
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