| Do children need a father?
Posted: 9/23/2005 12:37:26 PM | As a person who is the product of a single parent family, I would love to hear some opinions about fatherhood.
Some single mothers may have chosen to not have the child's father involved for perfect and just reasons. And I know that in some situations men choose to not accept responsibility and abandon their families. Do many single mothers still feel that a father is important in a child's life? Do you feel that not having the birth father involved will definitely have long lasting affects on the child's development, and ultimately have emotional effects when the child becomes an adult?
And do many people feel that society in general plays a role in making men feel unnecessary or expendable when it comes to raising our children?
Thanks... | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 9/23/2005 12:49:23 PM | In my opinion kids don't need both parents ..... ( i won't say father because in todays society these questions can go both ways ) ... but they deserve both parents ....
However sometimes it is better that one parent stay out of the kids lives .... if the parent is not capable or willing to be the best parent that they can be, then in my eyes they should not be part of the kids lives .... Kids can sense when they are felt to be a burden or when they are not really wanted, and if one parent feels that way, that parent should not be around the kid ...
I don't think it is ever right for one parent to stop another parent from seeing the kids ... it should always be each parents choice to be involved or not ... and if each parent has to accept the decision of the other parent ... you can force someone to be a parent but you also can not take that right away from someone ..... | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 9/23/2005 12:49:31 PM | I don't think one who is the child's father, or represents the father figure should necessarily be the biological father. I think a child can strive and be perfectly happy and successful with someone who is a father figure to them regardless if they live in the home or not.
For my situation, my sister is going to be providing daycare for me during the weekdays, and her husband along with my brother and my best friend's fiance are all going to be very present in my son's life.
Though I wish that my son's biological father would be interested in him and his life, he is better off with the love and support he will be getting from those men in his life who do care for him rather than me trying to force feed his real father to love and support him. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 9/23/2005 12:54:36 PM | | Well for me being one of those single mothers my son Ethan's dad had denied that he was his for the first 3 months after he was born (didn't deny him before that let me tell you) and he knew that he was at the first person i had ever been with and the only for the 2 years we dated. Anyways so i think it's important to have him around but his father has chosen not to be around so still living at my parents house while i finish up college my father "papa" kind of works has his "father figure" in a way...one of my friends dads never wanted to see her and to this day she always feels like crap knowing that her father never wanted anything to do with her...so yeah it takes a toll on the emotions but in some cases its a whole lot better for the father not to be there...in my case i think it is just because his father is such a bad father (mind you we broke up because he had gotten anothe preg. so he has two children here in Illinois one in Arkansas, dont ask) and Ethan is the only one he refuses to see....but he wont make payments either so thats the big fight going on right now...anyways getting back to the subject Ethan is going to grow up knowning his father didn't want to see him and he will deal with that hopfully as well as he can. but i think its a good this to have the father around. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 9/23/2005 1:01:27 PM | As always great post Matthew. I'll sound off happily on this one. Does a child "need a father" I'd probably say no if the mother was doing her job correctly. Meaning...there are women who try to "replace" the father with a series of men...hence they are always looking for the next father to their child and usually will end up having several more children in the process. This is the WORST way to handle the situation.
In a perfect world the fathers you speak of would all love to be with their children..sometimes that's not the case...and sometimes it's the mothers..but you asked about fathers so I'll stay on track. Above all a child needs to know that he/she is loved. Not that the miserable pos that is their father left the mother bla bla bla. The children that are affected by the "missing" parent...are the ones who live a lifetime of "father bashing".
The only thing a child needs to know is that they are truely loved. That they are not a mistake. That they are not the product of a dysfunctional relationship. Love your kids and it doesn't matter who is there.
And I agree with the above poster who said not to (paraphrasing here) use children as a pawn..if the father is of sound mind and body, treats the child with respect..then by all means let them bond...if not you are only hurting the child in the end.
my 2 cents. :) and vp2 before you sound off on this...the post was about fathers...so you have to start the alternate post hehe :) | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 9/23/2005 1:31:59 PM | | I think children need a good role model in thier life, sometimes it just isnt the father. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 9/23/2005 2:16:56 PM | Considering the fact that I am a single mother to a 2 year old and a child of a divorced family, this is a great question.
My daughter's father moved out earlier this year and has seen her a total of 4 times since leaving. He contributes nothing financially and only visits her when it is convenient for him. I have tried desperately to maintain a civil relationship with him, but he makes it almost impossible. With that being said, I feel like it is very important to have both your father and mother in the picture; however, I feel that these relationships should be healthy ones. Parents do not have to live together, but should maintain a positive and civil relationship with each other and also with future spouses. Children pick up on negativity and my 2 year old certainly does. She is not the same when her dad is around. She goes from happy and playing to very quiet and timid.
I am hoping that it won't, but I feel this will have a definite impact on her emotional well being. How do you explain a father who doesn't come around or doesn't concern himself with the needs and wants of a child? Someday she will realize that MOM does everything and is the only one there and at that point she may decide to close the door to her dad and then again, she could lash out at him and demand answers that I cannot give. Either way, it isn't good.
I do believe that society has taken away some of the pride that use to come with being a good father. Back in the day men were expected to support their familes and provide lives for them, now, they can walk away and never have to look back. I don't know if it was women's liberation or men just getting tired, but it sucks. Women have "roared" so much and so loudly about doing it alone that a lot of men expect just that...DO IT ALONE. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 9/23/2005 2:38:02 PM | My ex cut me out of my sons life, I am still fighting for him
I believe that unless the parent, either one can be shown to be a clear danger to the child then they should have contact
In my case, We had a very close relationship, I love him very much & enjoyed every second caring for him
I cannot understand those whimps who bale out without ever knowing the joy of parenting | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 9/23/2005 4:03:43 PM | | As a single father I tend to think I'm very neccessary to my girls. No I don't think kids need both parents, their mom has not seen them in years. But they must have one parent that truly cares and is always, ALWAYS, there for them. You are only as expendable in your relationship with your kids as you let yourself be. It has nothing to do with societies expectations of you, it's your expectations for yourself. Do you want to be a stand up guy or girl for that matter, then be just that. I think kids can develop just fine with either parent, but as someone said before they do deserve two. That's just not always possible. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 9/23/2005 4:14:21 PM | I am a single father, whose son’s mother decided to disappear the day I received custody. That will be 6 years ago this October. Even though I did not ask for support or full custody it was awarded to me. I told her to forget the support and come see your son. Thinking that every child needs there mother. She still chose to leave. Not just him her whole family also.
So how has it been? He’s well adjusted, very helpful around the house, and mature for an eleven year old. These are not just my words either. I really think that having his best friend mother watching him before and after school help immensely. In fact he’s been trying to set me up for about a year now. I’ve waited till he was more self-sufficient.
But you know what if I could do it again I would not do anything different. Do I think that hurt in the long run? Na he’ll be just fine.
I believe as long as you give the child all the love and attention that they need they’ll be just fine. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 9/23/2005 4:48:52 PM | I'm a single mom of 2 kids.
Their father is not involved by his choice.
I don't think the kids are any worse off by not having an active dad but I do try to make sure there are male role models involved for them both. Be it long time friends, grandpa, etc etc.
I agree with tinman...as long as they have lots of love and support, they'll be just fine. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 9/23/2005 5:05:55 PM | A child needs positive role models from both sexes if they are going to grow up without skewed perceptions. Does it specifically have to be a mother and a father...no, but that is ideal. There are plenty of people that grew up in a healthy way that were missing one, the other, or even both. But they did have good role models that taught them what a man was, what a woman was, and how to have respect for both...and themselves.
Ozzie | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 9/23/2005 6:06:06 PM | | Wow loaded question... My first and obvious answer would be yes kids need their parents... I know that damage that can be done when kids' parents are out of the picture.. but I also know that sometimes it is better for them to be gone... My 1st husband was a **stard of epic porportions... Does my daughter wish that he was in her life.. maybe at times.. but she knows that she is better off without that kind of unstability in her life....Kids can be brought up well adjusted and "normal" missing one of the parental units.... Do I wish that the world was perfect and divorce and single parenting didn't happen? Of course.. but we don't live in perfect.... | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 9/23/2005 6:58:18 PM | I consider myself a single mom/dad. I take on both roles. My boys father is not in the picture. I ran for certain reasons. My boys are very well rounded. It's easy for me because I grew up with a lot of male figures around can teach what I have learned. I got them out of a situation that could have made them horrible grown men in the future if they continued to see daily what went on. Now, they see Mom, who is the bread winner, the mommy when needed, daddy when something needs to be fixed or put back together. They have learned how to treat people and when needed how to stick up for themselves. They know it's hard, but they will turn out just fine. There are a lot of single parents out there that take on both roles and do a great job. All parents need a huge pat on the back and lots don't get it.    | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 9/23/2005 7:26:49 PM | | I totally agree with that.. I am a single mother as well of 2 beautiful children and I always try my hardest to give them everything they need. The father is also not in the picture and hasnt been for a good 5 years.... I find that it's better to be alone then in a destructive relationship... Teaching your children thats it's okay to stay with someone when they are not good to you is not a good lesson.... Especially for my girl.. My son on the other hand really has no male role models, i did enroll him in a mentor program but that only lasts a year.. . I really feel if you are a good parent it doesnt matter.. It seems in that sometimes in a mother father relationship there is always the one parent that doesnt contribute thier part anyway... so I guess I just play all the roles. and hopefully am teaching my children to work hard and love hard! | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 9/23/2005 7:46:03 PM | | ^^^^^Thank you for agreeing!! We all need to hear that sometimes. There are people with very stong views and will stay in a crappy marriage/relationship just so the kid (s) can have both a male and female role. I am sure you are doing a great job!!!!! | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 9/24/2005 3:07:46 AM | I cannot speak for others but being widowed while my boys were only 5 years and 15 months, I feel their sense of loss and pain at not having their dad around. Each parent contributes something different to the childrens' lives and without the respective partner, there is no eqilibrium. Matthew, I have been struggling since last year to provide a male mentor in my boys lives so that the loss in less intense but you know something, its hard work finding a man or men who are willing to be consistent in spending time with the boys without it involving me or expecting me to be part of the equation.
I guess people generally get caught up in their own lives and families that just to spend a couple of hours a fortnight or even a month to take my son to play ball or go fishing is too much of a commitment when it just involves that activity and no more.
Yes...children do need their fathers, and their mothers and if the parents are separated, it should not deprive the child of either parent...provided there is no abuse or negative influences present, of course. Each parent brings his or her own treasure chest of love, knowledge and experiences that enriches the child/ren's lives....Why be deprived of either just because the parents cannot see eye to eye? The focus should always be what is best for the child, and our love for our children should allow for both parents to be involved. Its such an amazing gift to have children and we play such pivotal roles in moulding them...yes...they definitely need their dads too. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 9/24/2005 3:20:47 AM | No I don't believe children NEED a father anymore than they NEED a mother.
What they need is love, security, education, respect, fun times etc
Whoever gives them that is irrelevant. It can be a parent, grandparent, adopted parent, sister, uncle, a non relation......doesn't matter. | |
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*Em*
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Joined: 6/29/2005
Msg: 21 | |
| Do children need a father?
Posted: 9/24/2005 6:04:41 AM | hi matthew, great thread..certainly makes you think :)
i do feel that a father is important in a childs life.
in a perfect world all children should have both parents, it is their right. sadly it cannot be like that all the time. i am a single mum to 4. as babies they dont know any different but as they get older they realise what they have and dont have..my 12 yr old would do anything to know her father and i know as she gets older she will want it more. its only natural to want to be a part of the person who created you. i think my daughter will suffer emotionaly from not knowing her father, in fact she already suffers. she feels guilt, she feels unwanted, unloved and even abandoned by him.
i think society did make men feel unnecessary but things have changed a great deal and men are more accepted as fathers these days. i see so many more men in parks or at schools with their children now than i did 12 years ago. there is still much room for improvement but its getting there :) | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 9/24/2005 6:34:09 AM | On either end, the ideal is to have both parents involved, and barring a serious physical or emotional threat I think we should always encourage a relationship with the other parent no matter what.
That being said if the dad is a serious threat to the child, or refuses to be involved by his own choosing, then we have to compromise. I think if you have no option but to remove the father(mother) than the child needs to have solid and strong male influences (or female, you get the idea). This doesnt necessarily mean your love interests. At this point my sons male influences (his father has becomed involved as of March 05, so until then his male influences were even more important) but they are my father, my brother, the male teacher at his school. My intention, if his dad had chosen to continue to not be involved, would be to get him involved in sports/activities where he would have male influences, as well as enroll him in BigBrothers/Big sisters.
Children deserve to have both parents, but we just dont live in a perfect world. With one very good parent and a big support network I think children can develop to be happy healthy and well-adjusted with one parent.
Of course the parent might meet someone who would be a long-term interest and role model which can be very effective as well. My stepmom is more of a mother than my real mother. Although I will always know she is my stepmom, she is still a HUGE influence in my life. She is the reason I strive for more, take complete responsibility for my son, and fight to continue in college. She has set a very strong example for what i need to do. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 9/24/2005 9:22:14 AM | | I believe anyone can produce a child, it takes a big person to be a real parent! | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 9/24/2005 11:15:09 AM | I think it's best for kids to have two healthy parents. Sometimes that isn't possible and one parent has to do the job of two. And some kids get totally ripped off and two messed up parents.
I would rather see my kids with a mom and a dad but he has chosen to be less than responsible so it's up to me to be the best parent I can be. Not ideal but could be much worse, especially if I was still with him. He took as much work as the kids. | |
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| Do children need a father?
Posted: 9/24/2005 12:06:09 PM | | They do not NEED a father. My son had me and his father both, but my daughter does not, and won't until I marry a man that WANTS to be there for her. This is simply because my daughter's father was very physically abusive, and I feared he would do the same to her. I did it for the safety of my child. If I felt she was safe, I would still allow her to see him. It is best if at all possible that the father be there, but if not, the child will eventually understand when they are old enough. Until then, you have to pick up the pieces of bad decisions that you make in life. That's life. That's what I'm having to do. But no, they don't NEED a father as long as the mother is a good mother and gives the love and care that that child needs to live and thrive and become a good person. | |
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