| Children missing out?
Posted: 9/30/2005 11:26:58 PM | I have just opened an email from a guy i met here and he has obviously written it after having a drink, it is abusive and completely different to his usual style which is usually full of good humour.
He has said that i am a bad mother for being a single mum, i have been a single mum for over 13 years and although i was seeing a guy for a few years on and off it was just a light thing and the children never met him while we were a couple, only when we had split and he was dating my best friend. I have never introduced them to a guy as my partner as i didn't want to parade a succession of men through their lives and i have never met anyone that i wanted to share our lives with, i have male friends so my children have male role models in their lives and they donot miss out on things, my son does all the usual male activities, football, rugby, motorcross ect and yes sometimes i am the only mum there cheering him on but he has never said he minds, we are a very close family and i hope they would have told me if they felt they missed out, yes they have gone through stages where they wanted me to have a bf, even resorting to trying to matchmake but that was for me, not so they had a father figure, this email really has made me think. Does anyone else share his views about single parents staying single parents and not just settling for anyone to be " a family" ? | |
|
*Em*
|
Joined: 6/29/2005
Msg: 2 | |
| Children missing out?
Posted: 9/30/2005 11:52:11 PM | ur a bad mother for being a single mum? wow what a load of utter BS! firstly by reading what you have typed, anyone with even half a brain cell can see what a wonderful devoting mother you are. secondly..a guy like that is so NOT worthy of a woman with kids.
i have 4 kids and im single..i would never in a million years let a guy into my kids life untill ive been seeing them a long time and i know that the relationship is serious. the kids are my life and they come first..ive come across alot of people that have dissagreed with me over this which is fine, we all have an opinion. i have also met guys who have turned nasty and verbally abusive because i have not let them meet my children. they are certainly not my type of guy nor are they men that i would even want to meet my kids.
single parenting is by no means ideal but its a fact of life. if people do not agree with single mums/dads then they dont have to speak to us.
my children also have male role models in their life and are all out going, happy, fun loving kids.
my advice to you? ignore/delete him. | |
|
| Children missing out?
Posted: 10/1/2005 12:24:25 AM | | That's just wrong on so many levels. One parent that cares a great deal is better than two that don't care any day. There are many of us single parents that aren't willing to settle for just anyone. A guy that thinks like that isn't something your kids are missing out on for sure. | |
|
| Children missing out?
Posted: 10/1/2005 5:40:32 AM | I definately don't share the view of the drunk email writer.
I've said it in other thread but applies here...as long as children are loved, feel safe, are educated, and have fun that's all that matters. It's " society" that forces ideals on us.
Same as we get it shoved in our faces that it's better to have that Ameican Express and be head over heels in debt as long as we have the "latest" whatever... | |
|
| Children missing out?
Posted: 10/1/2005 10:10:44 AM | I am glad to hear I am not the only one! I talked to a guy on here, never met or even phoned, but talked online for several months. Everything he said coinsided with supporting my beliefs and choices within reason. He never said anything about single moms being bad.
Then, we have a heated discussion over something, I decide his perspective is just too contradictory to mine and in a way that it could adversely affect my son. So, he starts posting in a single parents thread and starts a huge fight about how our society is basically decaying because of single mothers.
What is with these guys who portray themselves as one way and are actually another. Scares the heck out of me for talking to someone in the future. If you dont want to date a single mom, then DONT! | |
|
| Children missing out?
Posted: 10/1/2005 11:12:14 AM | Anneri, that guy must be a complete bonehead! He is obviously not a parent or he would realize that our relationships set examples for our children. The main reason I had for leaving my ex-husband was this: I did not want my daughters growing up to beleive that was how men were supposed to treat women. Otherwise they would grow up looking for the same situation they had been raised in. I do allow some of the men I have gone out with to be around my children, but on a very casual and friendly basis. That has worked fine for me but is not the choice that all would make.
No relationship is much better for your children to see than a bad relationship! | |
|
| Children missing out?
Posted: 10/1/2005 11:31:24 AM | The man is clearly insane! Children raised in an abusive home will in turn grow up to be abusers. So a parent who removes the children from a bad situation is doing the right thing. Single Parents, (man or woman) are the true unsung heroes of this day and age, holding the line of civilisation against chaos,(yah sounds corny but at over 50% of families, us single parent homes are outnumbering the traditional nuclear families fast!). We are raising the next generation. You are doing an incredible job of raising your children, how do I know this with absolute certainty?, Its obvious, your the person doing the work, everyone elses talk is well, just talk, wont fix a scraped knee, or help with the homework. The people growing together in a home make a family, a good parent is the one who pulls the plow, raises the kids, does what must be done, putting thier own needs and desires second to the childrens.
This man's views on family are archaic and obsolete, products of an era long past,(1950s man!), and lastly, dont discredit the booze, its bad, and when inside people it can make them bad as well. Im just now learning the hard lessons, introduce the kids??, don't??, etc,..., but the one I am certain of one fact, A good parent stands by the child, hell or high water, the bad parent doesn't. The needs of a spouse are secondary to those of the offspring, its nature's way. Better we a happy three than an unhappy 4 or more, lol. | |
|
| Children missing out?
Posted: 10/1/2005 12:43:32 PM | Anneri: Never settle for less than you and your family deserve. A lot of SP's will tell you the same thing - You already have a family, irregardless of whether or not you have a man/woman in your life. MY family consists of me and my 3 boys. I don't need a b/f or husband to complete my family. We already are.
:) Dee | |
|
| Children missing out?
Posted: 10/1/2005 1:30:17 PM | Anneri,
Nothing wrong with it. Just realize that your family is complete. As long as the children have positive male role models in their lives then I feel that a childs life is good if the father is absent and in my case they have female role models. In time they may decide you need a bf just as sometime my children will decide I need a gf.
To anyone who has a problem with single parents...well they are full of ws and probably don't have two brain cells to rub together. Long as the kids are loved, happy, and well adjusted that is all anyone can hope for whether it is single parent or "conventional" two parent households.
Make it a great Day; Hug your kids!
Kevin | |
|
| Children missing out?
Posted: 10/2/2005 7:10:09 AM | As one without children I do not understand how a man could ever have the gaul to criticize a single mother in this day and age. Yes, divorce is through the roof, but something tells me there are far more loveless marriages out there as well. I know many well rounded people that are the products of stellar single parents, so NEVER let anyone's attempt at passing judgement, or displaced anger, on you for only you know how much you enrich your child's life.  | |
|
| |
| Children missing out?
Posted: 10/3/2005 2:01:50 PM | | I would simply reply with a "Mind your own damn business" and then just delete and block him. Good grief, what a moron! I can't believe someone would be stupid enough to say something like that. Don't worry, your kids are not missing out on anything...as long as you are happy and they can see that, then they don't "need" a man in YOUR life. A lot of people stay in marriages "for the kids," which I can see where they might get the idea that is a good thing to do, but on the other hand, no matter how hard you try to hide your missery from your children, they see it. It was a slap in the face when my daughter (who was only 1 at the time) actually looked at her Dad and said, "Daddy, be nice to Mommy." | |
|
| |
| Children missing out?
Posted: 10/3/2005 2:58:48 PM | | i fully believe that it's dangerous to just settle on someone just to have a man in the house. as a single mom with 2 daughters, i refuse to bring men into thier lives. they have uncles and grandpa to be male figures, but anyone who settles just to have a man there, is putting herself and her children in a possibly bad situation. not that all men out there are looking to hurt children, because that is certainly not the case. but there is no need for a child to get attached to someone who will be gone in a couple months..... | |
|
| Children missing out?
Posted: 10/3/2005 7:09:03 PM | | Anneri, you sound like you're one of the best mothers a child could have, single parent or not. Don't this this person's email bother you; they obviously have no clue what they're talking about. It's much better to be a single mother than to bring someone into your children's lives who is not good for you, or for them. Being careful about it, and realizing that you haven't met anyone to share your life and your children's life with means you know exactly what you're doing. The kids have male role models, and role models don't have to be their biological father, as sometimes that's not possible, or simply not a good idea (and before I get nailed by someone, yes, the same can apply to some mothers). The fact that you have a close family counts for a lot; you're there for them, your family and friends are there for them, and they're being loved, and that's what's really important. I believe a single parent has to do what's right for them self and for their children. If they don't find someone they want to share their life and their children's life with, then they don't go there with just anybody. If they do find that someone, then they have to carefully introduce them to each other at the right point, which only the parent can decide when it's right. | |
|
Anneri
|
Joined: 8/25/2005
Msg: 16 | |
| Children missing out?
Posted: 10/4/2005 12:11:28 AM | Thankyou so much for all the replies, i should have gone for a walk and calmed down really but what he said really annoyed me and the fact he was just saying what several more have but more bluntly really made me question myself.
But when it comes down to it i am happy, my children are happy so why risk that just to take a chance on a relationship, if we were really unhappy and felt something was missing then sure maybe it would be something i wanted to try but my children have been without a father since they were tiny so they don't miss something they have never had.
Not many can say they are truly happy with their personal lives and i am and my children are so we are blessed and luckier than many.
Thankyou again xx | |
|
| Children missing out?
Posted: 10/4/2005 7:59:10 AM | | It sounds to me like you and your children are very lucky to have each other and don't feel there's anything missing...because there really isn't ;) And if the day comes when you do find someone you want to share your life and your children's lives with, and he wants to share all of yours, that will only add to the happiness of all of you...because you're intelligent and will continue to make the choices that are right for you and your children, as you already have been | |
|
craigz
|
Joined: 5/13/2005
Msg: 18 | |
| Children missing out?
Posted: 10/4/2005 8:00:41 AM | I've read all this and I'm a single dad! Yeah work that one out. Look, I will be honest. When I was younger I frowned upon single parents, predominantly mothers with their kids, walking around with kids in tow looking like they were hitting it off with any guy. but you know what, I'm a single father now. Have been for a few years now and it opened my eyes to the pitfalls and dare I say it, pleasures of raising my kids single handed. Unfortunately we are in a world where everything is materialistic or pure sex. If you haven't got off with a guy that's got money then why bother. Why be with that girl if all she's bothered about is a career. Why be with that guy he's got no money...the list is endless. Relationships are hard to keep alive with everyday preasures we face today. And for most guys it's relatively easy. We are brought up being the breadwinners. We go work. We provide. We fit the kids in at weekends. That's how it USED TO BE. Now times have changed. Men nolonger have just that role. Men share in cooking, kids, housework. As much as a woman does.
So my point. To be frank my views on single parents has changed. I am one. It's hard, true. But despite my kids missing out on a strong female role ( my ex had emotional problems from childhood stemming from abuse) I've tried my best to fit both roles. It is close to impossible, but achievable with the right effort. So when I hear a woman saying that she's hard up or struggling raising kids then I believe her. It is difficult and by God can suck. I love my kids dearly and I challenge any man to tell me different. If he hasn't got a close family surrounding him then the struggles he faces are the same as a woman raising kids alone. Money's tight, time is tight and at the end of the night ya knackered!
If ever i was lucky enough to introduce a woman in my life then I wouldn't frown upon her if she told me she'd had a hard day with her kids just because I may have been smashing rocks down a quarry. I'd nod my head and understand cos I know what she's going through.
Keeping kids protected from harm is a priority as much as keeping them fed and warm. And harm can come from introducing loads of guys as "dates", so like Annari I have a couple of female friends and that's what they are. Friends.
Kids don't neccessarily miss out. They adapt. Human nature to. | |
|
Home
login 
Well said double_cabin
