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Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > is my 3 yr old capable of lying about this?      Home login  
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 princesstarri
Joined: 8/15/2005
Msg: 1
is my 3 yr old capable of lying about this?Page 1 of 1    
Ok so my son is 3 and he lives with me but goes to his fathers every second weekend, he never wants to go. The other night Im putting him to bed and I told him that the next day his dad would be picking him up for the weekend, he told me he didnt want to go. I asked why not, He then replied that his father hits him and Jackie too(thats the gf). I told me ex this and he swears up and down that its not true. My ex was very abusive to me when I was with him, I never thought he would touch our son. What do I do? Is my son making this up? Or just confused, what do I do?
 Melissanicole
Joined: 5/27/2005
Msg: 2
is my 3 yr old capable of lying about this?
Posted: 10/2/2005 7:18:26 AM
Ouch, that is a tough situation. Trust your instincts is the best advice I can give. Even if you think there is a chance he might be exxaggerating or fibbing, Id still involve a third party. Thats just too big of a risk to take. Dad may have just smacked his hand for playing with the stove or something, it may not be a big deal- but Id have it looked into just in case.
 blowthedustout
Joined: 3/19/2005
Msg: 3
is my 3 yr old capable of lying about this?
Posted: 10/2/2005 7:23:58 AM
Yeah, definately don't shrug it off...
Look into it......and check for unusual bruising, which i'm sure you have.
This day and age, you can't be too safe.
I doubt your son is lying, but like she said......what kind of disipline is being used and enforced? And what is he being "hit" for? You know the signs, watch for them.
 ladybootscooter
Joined: 6/13/2005
Msg: 4
is my 3 yr old capable of lying about this?
Posted: 10/2/2005 7:33:10 AM
Check into it more, NOW!! 66% of all men that abuse their spouses/gf etc will eventually abuse their kids as well!! I grew up in that life, no one in our small town believed it about my dad! Believe in your child, at that age they have no motives to lie about such a thing! Good luck to you!
 Moon Maiden
Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 5
is my 3 yr old capable of lying about this?
Posted: 10/2/2005 7:52:21 AM
The g/f should definitely not be using physical discipline. I'd be checking it out further before jumping to conclusions. Does the father use alternative discipline? Does your son know the difference between tap (ie on the hand), spanking, and hit? I had to clear this up with my daughter about a year ago (she was 3yrs then), because she told the sitter i had hit her and all it was, was a tap on the buttocks (only enough to hurt her feelings). The sitter and I sat down together and discussed this with her. The issue never came up again.
 GreeneyedMisfit
Joined: 8/13/2005
Msg: 6
is my 3 yr old capable of lying about this?
Posted: 10/2/2005 8:11:56 AM
My ex was abusive with me too.. but I never saw him abuse the kids. He did have a heavy hand with discpline. .. smacking on the butt, grabbing arms, things like that..

See if your 3 yr old can tell when he gets hit... If he says all the time... well then ???
If he says, when they yell at me.. I'd be questioning..

Of course, kids are very very smart. ... and pick up on everything. My kids don't want to go to their dads either.. they are much much older and still can't clearly articulate to me all the time why they don't want to go.. My son says I just don't like it there and won't go. He ocassionally tells me cause dad is so rigid and has so many rules.. and gets all disappointed in me all the time.. but still.. its like pulling teeth..

Maybe your son really doesn't like it there cause its not home and he found a way to maybe get you to let him stay home.

Not that I think a 3 year old is capable of lying but they are capable of exaggerating or misunderstanding. I once babysat this little boy who told me his dad kicked him in the face and knocked his tooth out. I questioned the family and was told.. the little boy was playing doggy and bit the dad on the toe.. surprised him, he jerked his foot, the little guys tooth got caught on the afghan and was loose and got pulled out. When I went back and requestioned the little boy, it was as his parents said but he interpreted the action as dad kicking him in the face..

Be hyperobservant though bcause it does happen allthe time.. Check for bruises and handprints etc. Especially on his torso. a bruiseon the shin is one thing, A bruise on the side or back is often a sign of abuse.
 ShadowKnight59
Joined: 9/18/2005
Msg: 7
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is my 3 yr old capable of lying about this?
Posted: 10/2/2005 8:43:34 AM
Given that your son has not been wanting to go there prior to you asking why I would believe him. As such I would seek a counselor and see what they suggest as a course of action. It is often not good to involve Child Protective Services but sometimes you have to. Although for them I would wait till you are more sure. Have you seen bruises and marks on him? What evidence do you have if any? those are the sorts of things they are goign to want to know.
 princesstarri
Joined: 8/15/2005
Msg: 8
is my 3 yr old capable of lying about this?
Posted: 10/2/2005 9:12:59 AM
Thanks for advise. I will try and keep an eye on him as I have been doing all his life. But as for how he hits him when I asked why they hit him my 3 yr old told me its "because they like to". This is one of the answers he gives to most questions.
When I asked his father about this, his dad said quote on quote, "Have I told you about all the times our son says you beat him"
Like come on I dont beleive my 3 yr old would say I beat him this is the best answer my ex husband could come up with. So I dont know we will see hes coming back for there at 6 tonight. Ill see how thigs were. Once again thanks everyone
 ShadowKnight59
Joined: 9/18/2005
Msg: 9
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History
is my 3 yr old capable of lying about this?
Posted: 10/2/2005 9:43:20 AM
NP. We all just love kids and hate to think that a parent might be abusing them or condoning said abuse. Chances are though if the father was abusive to you then he may be abusive to your son as well. My experiences of 3 yo's are that if they make something up it is usually so outlandish that it is easily spotted.
 blu_eyed_gal
Joined: 8/25/2005
Msg: 10
is my 3 yr old capable of lying about this?
Posted: 10/2/2005 12:44:23 PM
Until children are 6 or so all the world is a stage but, why on earth would a 3 year old mention hitting if it weren't the case? pretending they're Dora the Explorer is one thing, but hitting, I'd check into that.
 icalla
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 11
is my 3 yr old capable of lying about this?
Posted: 10/2/2005 7:52:10 PM
greeneyedmisfit is right on the money. Children at this age are not really capable of lying persay, but by the same token, they are not fully capable of explaining a situation in an objective and rational way.

Look for the bruises for sure, but I would say to look for other signs of abuse as well... has your child's temperament changed in any way? Does he show fear when he sees his father or the g/f? Does he flinch when he thinks he is in trouble?

If I were you, I'd try to find a child psychologist who can help you determine what parts of what your son is telling you can be fully believed. It is amazing how easily children can be led into creating and believing things that have never happened, so be careful when you ask him about it.

Best of luck!
 mcs
Joined: 1/5/2005
Msg: 12
is my 3 yr old capable of lying about this?
Posted: 10/2/2005 7:56:59 PM
i have a 3 year old son, and i know he would not lie, i have never caught him in a lie. i would not send him back. of course your ex is going to deny it!!! think about it. it's not worth risking your son, don't send him back until you are 100% positive about the siuation.
 kristadawn
Joined: 9/27/2005
Msg: 13
is my 3 yr old capable of lying about this?
Posted: 10/2/2005 7:57:37 PM
I would definitely do something about it,

have you talked to the g/f?

Even if he is getting a "spanking" when he's bad, he should NOT be seeing his dad hitting the g/f.....that could cause him to be physical abusive in his own relationship.


My sons dad used to smack me around...I doubt he'd do it with his son (but he doesn't see him so I don't have to worry - for now anyways)
 systematic
Joined: 5/25/2005
Msg: 14
is my 3 yr old capable of lying about this?
Posted: 10/2/2005 8:08:03 PM
have you found any bruises or marks on your son's body?
 celticprinzess
Joined: 8/11/2005
Msg: 15
is my 3 yr old capable of lying about this?
Posted: 10/2/2005 8:30:56 PM
I have to agree with some of the things that have been posted & disagree with other things that were said.

Children do not lie at that young an age... they may be very imaginative but never lie - they may embellish the truth but never lie... My daughter final opened up about what had been happening at her father's house & every last little unimaginable detail was the very real truth.

Keep an eye on your son & document behavior changes, talk with his teachers (preschool or day care providers) and ask them to keep their eyes open for unusual behavior, and talk with your pediatrician about some of the warning signs. if he has bruises - pictures with DATES from the camera are essential no matter how much it sickens you to take them.

No one should be physically disciplining your child other than his parents - you or his father. The g/f shouldnt be physically disciplining him - she has no right - not even if dad has said that she can discipline. You may want to discuss what is appropriate discipline with the local CPS or other child advocacy organization.

At 3 your son is probably too young to participate actively in a therapist situation. But participating with you in a famiy counseling environment may be helpful. Then when he is better able to communicate he will be able to transition into it much more easily.

Do you have a court order that stipulates that your ex has visitation? What ever you do - do not violate this - without evidence to support your abuse claim. And if you do violate it make sure as sh*t that you are heading into court the next business day to have it out there with the judge. If you violate your custody & visitation order without precident you could lose the custody you do have & your son would be with day more than he is now.

If you have documented proof of your abuse prior to the divorce or it was presented during the divorce process - I would dig it up & discuss it with the judge & explain what has been going on with your son. Make sure that you NEVER EVER attack dad - you need to keep it simply about what is in your son's best interest. If it becomes a he did this she did this pissing match, then you will lose credibility with the courts & as long as you have credibility & are able to show that you are doign what is in your son's best interest - the court will listen & respond (hopefully).

Good luck - if you wanna chat outside of here let me know - I do not like talking about particulars so publicly but will share with you what's happened with our situation privately & the solutions that I found.

C
 heartsarewild
Joined: 9/28/2005
Msg: 16
is my 3 yr old capable of lying about this?
Posted: 10/3/2005 7:25:10 AM
Before you drive yourself crazy wondering, ask yourself a few questions. Did your son every see the abuse? Or did he hear you talking to someone about it. My advice wheater you decide to take it or not is up to you...get a lawyer. Write down everything your son tells you when he comes home, before he goes, the state in which he arrives home, his reaction towards you before he goes and when he comes home, and anything else that goes on in your home. Dont let your son see youre doing this, if he just feels hes not getting the attention he wants while hes there, seeing you gathering information may just add fuel to the fire. When its all infront of you you'll be able to see a patern, and be able to make a logical decision on what to do. No one can do anything about this but you. All the best to you and your son.
 Mwarewolf
Joined: 10/9/2005
Msg: 17
is my 3 yr old capable of lying about this?
Posted: 10/13/2005 8:43:45 PM
I've never hurd of a 3 year old making up a story like that. And I would say if he did that to you then hes doing that to him. Don't put up with it, what if next time your son ends up hurt bad. Call the law, or faimly services right away......Befor its to late....
 Shyla416
Joined: 10/2/2005
Msg: 18
is my 3 yr old capable of lying about this?
Posted: 10/13/2005 10:39:40 PM
Unless three year olds have been abused or seen abuse, they dont know enough to make up stories like that. You should talk to someone who deals with this. Child Welfare will talk with him and determine if it is true or not. But from my experience, abused children will show signs, starting with not wanting to go with that person, and including things like loud outbursts, spontaneous crying, hitting other children, bed wetting and more. If his behavior has changed in any way, it could be a sign of abuse.

I have been there and done that. The most important thing for you to remember is that you need to be on your childs side and support him and believe him. If you dont (a good friend told me this) then in years to come he will say "why didn't you help me?".

What's more important to you....your child or not pushing your ex's buttons?
 reiniger2007
Joined: 9/24/2005
Msg: 19
is my 3 yr old capable of lying about this?
Posted: 10/13/2005 11:04:43 PM
It is highly unlikely that your son would lie about this, especially since he is only 3 years old. It is your duty as a loving parent to look into this, and simply asking the father is not enough. Men who abuse women will often eventually abuse their children too, because they are cowards and abuse those who are physically weaker than themselves. If I were you, I would report it to Social Services, who can then have a chat with your son and, if necessary, with his father. Report this straight away, and do not let your son visit his father until it is concluded. Good luck!
 ~Bronwyn~
Joined: 5/3/2005
Msg: 20
is my 3 yr old capable of lying about this?
Posted: 10/14/2005 2:35:26 AM
Listen to what your son says, he is reaching out to you. Take him in to talk to someone that knows how to deal with this. Anytime, now or in the future you need to be careful what you say or ask a child when they come to you for help. (ex. Did so and so hit you, did so and so touch you etc etc) As anything said could be leading questions in a court of law, then it makes it harder to help your child. Take your little one in to talk with someone even if your not going to press charges. He may just need to be heard. Best of luck to you both.
 valleygal4u
Joined: 10/13/2005
Msg: 21
is my 3 yr old capable of lying about this?
Posted: 10/17/2005 10:40:44 AM
with all due respect you seem like a very intelligent woman. do you really need to ask this question? if i had a child who suggested they were hurt in any way by ANYONE, i would be notifying the police and community services. what other option is there? send him back the next time? you didn't know before and didn't think it would happen. your trusting and that's not your fault, BUT now that you have information to act on, you would be doing a grave injustice to your child by ignoring the act. if you ever need legal advice or someone to talk to privately on the matter i'm only a click away. i have faith you'll do what needs to be done. statistics have shown that abuse is never a one time occurance. it will get worse and you would be as responsible as him if you knew and did nothing...
just my thoughts,
sasha
 ruth78
Joined: 4/27/2005
Msg: 22
is my 3 yr old capable of lying about this?
Posted: 10/17/2005 12:23:21 PM
i have to agree with everyone else, i don't think your son would lie, my son is three also and i have never found him to be lying, nor would i ignore anything like this.
you have to do something about it, the father is telling you his son says you beat him, but i think he's lying and only saying that to make your son out to be a liar.
if he was violent towards you, he could easily be hitting your child.

you can't let your son go there again. i could never allow myself to let my son go to his dads house if he said he'd been hitting him.
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