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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > OVER 50 And Alone....again.      Home login  
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 tnshylady
Joined: 8/17/2005
Msg: 1
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OVER 50 And Alone....again.Page 1 of 30    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30)
It is so hard to date when you are over 50. It seems there are only two types of men out there. Newly divorced men that just want to date around because they haven't been free for so long. They are like a kid in a candy store.....they want a little of this and a little of that. Then there are the guys that have been divorced for 10 yrs or so. They like doing what they want to, when they want to. They will date you but don't want you getting too close. They like their freedom. Am I just meeting the wrong men, or am I right?
 sum1reel
Joined: 6/5/2005
Msg: 2
OVER 50 And Alone....again.
Posted: 10/4/2005 7:57:06 PM
don't know the kinda town it is that you live in but you might have a wider array of choices in a more cosmopolitan location!
 page1952
Joined: 6/8/2005
Msg: 3
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OVER 50 And Alone....again.
Posted: 10/5/2005 4:04:11 AM
You forgot about all the poor married men our age that are not getting it at home. lol
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 4
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OVER 50 And Alone....again.
Posted: 10/5/2005 8:31:07 AM
You are not alone with the dating thing hon. Many of us men meet women now that are just divorced or within the past few years or less and they act the same way many times.

I have been with more women now that have gone right from home to marriage and kids, then divorced and they never truly dated around and had all the experiences that many of us had when younger and in college before we settled down, got married and had kids.

Once they get out there and date, see what is available it is like a candy store for them too. We all go through that, some just approach it differently. If you had many dating experiences before marriage, relationships too, and lived on your own for some time, the transition back to being single seems to be somewhat more understandable when you do divorce and head in that direction.

For those that never experienced that, they see it, feel it and want to find out about it, and that means that being with one may take time for them and experience......so just know that and move on and let them do their thing and if you are the right one, they will be back with that knowledge some time, and if they are lucky, you may just be around, and if not.....oh well, their loss.....
 rayl
Joined: 7/25/2005
Msg: 5
OVER 50 And Alone....again.
Posted: 10/5/2005 1:43:51 PM
Beauty and brains.you are not far off the mark in your assumptions, but, there are some good reasons for this attitude, which are a little too lengthy for this post.....Best wishes....
 shore66
Joined: 5/23/2004
Msg: 6
OVER 50 And Alone....again.
Posted: 10/7/2005 4:04:30 PM
Date younger men.
 tnshylady
Joined: 8/17/2005
Msg: 7
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OVER 50 And Alone....again.
Posted: 10/7/2005 8:46:11 PM
Well, I am not dating any age. Right now I am tired of all the games that some play. Always ending up with a broken heart. Yeah, I know, self pity...whining. I'll get over it tho, and try again. Just don't feel like it right now. I keep thinking, will it happen again. I have to get over thinking so negative before I date again.
 Yachtsman05
Joined: 9/26/2005
Msg: 8
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Time for a new approach...
Posted: 10/7/2005 9:14:28 PM
Honey, it is time to re-invent yourself and become the iron-willed butterfly that us men simply cannot do without....or, you could pack up your bags and become a California beach girl where there are 5 guys chasing you and groveling at your feet. They love to be kicked and beaten with whips and chains....:) Bob the beach boy, er, bum...
 A Lure
Joined: 9/25/2005
Msg: 9
OVER 50 And Alone....again.
Posted: 10/7/2005 11:36:37 PM
Maybe it is time to reflect on your own situation and get comfortable in your own skin. If you always end up with a broken heart it means you are leaving yourself vulnerable and perhaps reaching/graasping for things that aren't real. A lot of us paid a price to have our freedom and aren't about to go rushing into any commitments; besides a great many of us have come to enjoy our own company, the freedoms we have and the ability to make new friends and not have to be tied to any one person ...unless we are very sure it is the real thing and not some stop-gap accomodation to fill a space called loneliness. As for being tired of games, just be frank, know what you want and call people on a game when you see one being played. My advice is to focus on your own personal happiness and not expect someone or something to do it for you.
 Doc Sage
Joined: 4/18/2005
Msg: 10
OVER 50 And Alone....again.
Posted: 10/7/2005 11:42:56 PM
I am 51. At this time I am looking for friendship more than dating or sex. Someone to do some things with.
We got a coffee club going here where locals get to meet in person and plan some actrivities together. So far so good.

Doc
 babbyme
Joined: 8/16/2005
Msg: 11
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OVER 50 And Alone....again.
Posted: 10/8/2005 12:20:10 AM
Tnshylady,
I am 50 as well. I understand exactly what you are saying. It doesn't bother me that much because I am after free exploration myself. I have had a very long term relationship and now I am happy to have fun. I am not saying that I will never 'settle down', but it seems very unlikely right now. I enjoy my company a lot, have hobbies and aspirations, and I don't really feel like compromising that much or making a relationship into too much work (it never was before). Maybe it has more to do with life experience than gender, I think. I married so young. I personally feel what Catherine Hepburn said once: men and women should live in separate places and visit each other, frequently or occasionally.
Enjoy 'consuming passions', being watching football, playing a sport, gardening. Be drunken, with yoga, with poetry, with virtue, or with whatever makes You. Then, when and if others confront us with 'games', our lives are too good to keep rehearsing, and we just pass.

Good luck and have fun
Trix

 philllb
Joined: 9/22/2005
Msg: 12
OVER 50 And Alone....again.
Posted: 10/8/2005 8:00:57 AM
I can empathise with you, but its partly you girls who are at fault, you want some independence, and when a guy gets close to you you wont even let us change a lightbulb! so, we do our own thing, get settled, cook what we like when we like, go out where we like when we like, watch the tv progs we like when we like, and then when YOU come into our lives you want us to give it all up but dont allow us a part in your life!!!! is it any wonder we get confused we are only simple humans!!!
 page1952
Joined: 6/8/2005
Msg: 13
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OVER 50 And Alone....again.
Posted: 10/8/2005 11:28:57 AM
hnshylady
I understand what you are saying.. I am not sure I will ever find that spark again either.
 tnshylady
Joined: 8/17/2005
Msg: 14
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OVER 50 And Alone....again.
Posted: 10/8/2005 11:48:40 AM
That was really good feedback. So I am not completely crazy afterall.....lol.
So, tell me this. Why is it when you finally decide to meet someone, they want to talk about their ex, last g/f on the first date. Yeah, you can tell me how long it lasted, a few details, but if that person is mentioned 3 or more times during the date...I get the message you are not over it. What do you think?
 babbyme
Joined: 8/16/2005
Msg: 15
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OVER 50 And Alone....again.
Posted: 10/9/2005 1:14:17 AM
Interesting topic, 'he' (or it might be a she as well?) talking about their ex. I dated a guy who, in the first date, took me through his two previous failed marriages history, and he was very blaming and underminding of them (ok, not a good start). I thought he was nervous and wanted to make conversation (ok, stupid me). But it didn't end there, he kept 'relating' to what he had to go through with their exs in subsequent dates (yep, i know, slow). I told him that I was getting a bit bored of listening to his stories, and he responded that he was only 'trying to let me know where he was coming from' .....???? I was more interested on where he wanted to go to though (that's another story).
I think that these people are definitely not over the previous partners. Now, I don't think that the 'bond' they keep is necessarily a good bond, it is possible they are still bonded in a negative way, very negative sometimes (especially when there's been cheating and abuse), and they can't let go of the anger and resentment. Assuming I am right, being right about my theory won't help me. My experience tells me that those partners will do a lot of transference, apart from being dead boring and even frustrating. Some people can't or don't want to 'archive' their history for whatever reason, either good or bad bonds. At our age, I expect to meet people with baggage, of course. I expect, though, that their baggage has been dealt with, and I don't have to become either their counsellor, 'mother', or allied in judging and even trashing someone I never met. At the end, I feel like recommending to them to go back to that partner and tell them what they are telling me. It would help them to get closure with the right person.
My experience is that, if he keeps talking over and over about his ex in our first date, chances are he is not over her, and the unfinished business can be either good or bad, but I am not interested. That's why proffesionals charge fees.

Good luck.
 HOTPINKANGEL
Joined: 6/4/2005
Msg: 16
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OVER 50 And Alone....again.
Posted: 10/9/2005 2:54:08 AM
well I have been divorced since 97 and have not had the opportunity to date much,....I am handicapped so there goes a red flag...they think I need them to take care of me...well I have been doing it on my own since 03 when I lost the leg and can do just fine but it would be nice to find someone to enjoy good times with.......I have a few other strikes too..I am a BBW...plus I am honest even on this NET....hoping someday a guy will look beyond the physical disabilities and look to the real me...I am 53yo WAS married 27yrs and still do not know what love or romance is..and I am very curious..lol
 longte
Joined: 10/18/2004
Msg: 17
OVER 50 And Alone....again.
Posted: 10/9/2005 5:17:16 AM
There are two ways to look at this

Poor me is one of them

WOW is the other

At our age we have

Not as many responsibilities
Freedom to do most things
Experience
Knowledge

Younger people usually don't have these advantages
Just go out and get what you want
If the gentlemen in your area are not up to the standard you want, find one somewhere else who is
Travel is so cheap and easy and Meeting people is easy
Confidence is a very underated thing
If you have confidence in yourself, you can do most things
This confidence also seems to be an attractant to members of the opposite sex

Just start to believe you are going to meet someone and you will
..
.
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 18
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OVER 50 And Alone....again.
Posted: 10/9/2005 2:09:25 PM
Meeting someone is not the problem......connecting with them on all the right levels IS the problem.

Meeting people, being set up, getting a date, finding new people at activities or dances, work, night clubs, bars all happens unless you do not allow that to happen or you stay home all day and night on the computer or hiding.

The difference here is connecting with that person on such a level and in such a way that you want more and enough sparks happen to make you feel you need more. Once that happens, the others seem to dwindle away slowly and before you know it, you are with one you truly connect with. That just does not happen enough or happens to one but not the other, and you are left wondering what you are doing wrong or what is wrong with you that sooooooo many others have that special person but you do not, and you wonder why.

If finding the right one was so easy, we would all be there now and not lamenting about where we are right now and all the why's of it. As you age, this aging process can be a benefit to dating or a problem, all depending on your outlook, and the reception of that age by those you are interested in.

Good luck to you all and keep on fishing.....well worth it...and one day....yes I know it....one day we will eventually find that special person that we will want to spend our time with exclusively........

Just my opinion.....
 HotColoSunshine
Joined: 8/24/2005
Msg: 19
OVER 50 And Alone....again.
Posted: 10/9/2005 3:43:46 PM
Trish, The reason men and women talk about their ex or those that they have dated before is for you to learn. I realize that there are always two sides to a story, ANY story, but you have to listen to what they say, how they say it, and maybe how in the future this will apply to you. If they have a positive attitude about their past relationships or dates, then that is a bonus in my position. Hopefully they will have a positive attitude about me whether we decide to see each other or not.

I was married for 25 years and have been divorced for 3 years. I have learned a lot about myself and about others. Mostly I have learned that I really LOVE men and people in general. It would be nice to meet that "one and only", but I am not looking for that one. Every person that comes into my life (as far as dating) is special to me and I treat them with respect. I realize that every man I meet doesn't want to "date" me because of his own personal reasons, but I have learned to accept it and just say "NEXT".

You are a very pretty woman and probably have a lot going for you. Show that on your next meeting "encounter", and others will feel that when they are around you. If they decide for some reason they don't want to get to know you better, then, it is Their loss...
Good Luck Girlfriend!!
 kce33
Joined: 6/2/2005
Msg: 20
OVER 50 And Alone....again.
Posted: 10/9/2005 5:05:01 PM
well i must say that from what has been posted on this thread and from what i have read is these people are alone because they want to be alone.. they have found a comfort zone interacting with people here in the forums instead of activilty dating..

kce
 ksue44
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 21
OVER 50 And Alone....again.
Posted: 10/9/2005 7:03:28 PM
Dating should be more about relating. One can view it as an "opportunity" or a "challenge".. A newly divorced person isn't the best one to hook up, they need to get to know themselves and what they want in life. On the other hand, a divorced person who has been alone for so long, it can also be a risk.

In love, nothing ventured, nothing gained. It really is about taking a risk.
 babbyme
Joined: 8/16/2005
Msg: 22
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OVER 50 And Alone....again.
Posted: 10/10/2005 1:23:47 AM
Hi all,
I am really enjoy this topic a lot.
C Deacon:
I agree totally. Meeting some oneS is easy. Apart from the many internet sites, I can also meet people in real life. Here in Australia there are activities organised for singles, from dancing to cooking lessons, to weekends away. To catch up with all those meeting opportunities I would have to quit my job, my yoga, my friends though. So, yeah, meeting is easy. Connecting is a different thing. There's nothing wrong with either, depending on what you are looking for.
Good luck to all in finding that especial connection. In the meantime, have fun.
Trix

 babbyme
Joined: 8/16/2005
Msg: 23
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OVER 50 And Alone....again.
Posted: 10/10/2005 1:27:31 AM
Longte,
Your comment about confidence in oneself, and being able to do most things... it reminded me of something someone told me once: "I have self confidence, it is that sometimes I don't have confidence in the audience".

Just kidding.
have fun
Trix
 babbyme
Joined: 8/16/2005
Msg: 24
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OVER 50 And Alone....again.
Posted: 10/10/2005 1:40:05 AM
Hotcolosunshine,
I totally agree with you. It is not so much about what we do, as it is about how we do it. You sound so positive, it is refreshing. If someone needs to 'trash' others, I think, they are negative, and not only they, sooner or later, might trash me, they are also trashing themselves, and the last one it is probably the saddest. As in my yoga practice, compassion is the name of the game, together with discerning attitude. (that's where your 'next' applies).

By the way, I was also married, for 26 years. He passed away 3 years ago. I call it 'separation', because we will meet again. I am also learning a lot of different things through this passage. Everybody brings something, at their own pace.

Have fun
Trix

 tnshylady
Joined: 8/17/2005
Msg: 25
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OVER 50 And Alone....again.
Posted: 10/12/2005 2:01:58 PM
I think we have learned in this thread that the majority do not want to hear the horror stories of your ex on the first date or any date. It does make you wonder if they have let the relationship go. It doesn't matter if you mention when and how long, but best not to go into detail and let that be the whole conversation...if you want another date, that is. I think on the first date it is best not to talk religion, politics, or exs. I think it is best to have light chit chat until you find something that you both have in common.
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