| My daughter does not want me to date
Posted: 10/9/2005 7:42:42 PM | | I have been divorced for 6 years. My ex left me and moved in with his girlfriend. About two years ago my daughter, my ex and his girlfriend began having problems. It led to my daughter developing depression and an eating disorder. She now has no relationship with her father because she does not like his current wife (the former girlfriend). He is not willing to have a relationship with her if she will not accept his wife. This has been going on for the last 3 years. I have now started dating, and my daughter is not taking it well at all. She becomes angry with me when I go out, calls often when I do go out, and is resentful. She is 16, and that is a difficult time anyway. I have not introduced her to my boyfriend. Any suggestions on how to proceed? Her therapist has warned me that my daughter is not likely to accept anyone I date and that I should go ahead and date anyway. But it is so hard to disappoint her. I am the only parent she has. Has anyone had a similar problem? If so, how did you deal with it. I am eager for any advice. | |
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| My daughter does not want me to date
Posted: 10/9/2005 7:48:54 PM | csk...you can't let your daughter run your life. Disappointments are part of life.
From the little you wrote it sounds like the therapist is right...that your daughter won't accept anyone you date.
Have you asked her how she'd feel if it were YOU that decided who her boyfriends would or wouldn't be? You have to get through to her somehow or keep spoiling her and giving her own way forever. | |
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| My daughter does not want me to date
Posted: 10/9/2005 7:50:38 PM | I have had a similar issue, but not to the extreme that you are experiencing it. I agree with the therapist, and think you should continue to date. Your daughter needs to see that while you love her, you have time for her and a friend. And she needs to see you as a person who has her own needs also. This sounds really painful for you, and I wish you and your daughter the best.
My youngest son, while he wants a 'daddy' in his life, really doesn't like the thought of me seeing anyone. The last person I dated, the first time they met each other, I caught him totally staring him down, a real evil eye. Then there was the time I was on the phone with a 'potential', and had been talking to him often for a few weeks. My youngest grabbed the phone out of my hand and said 'Who are you, and why are you talking to my mom?' My friend said, 'My name is so-and-so, and I am talking to your mom because she's my friend." "NOT ANYMORE!", my son said, and handed me back the phone, assured his work was done. lol Turned out he was pretty wise on that one, shoulda ended that one before it even began.
Keep us posted, I hope it works out for you both with your daughter and with your new friend, csk. | |
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| My daughter does not want me to date
Posted: 10/9/2005 8:15:15 PM | | I do realize that I cannot let her control my life, and I intend to keep seeing my boyfriend. Any suggestions on when (or if) I introduce her to him? I have only been seeing him for a couple of months, so I am not planning on introducing him real soon..but when do I? I don't want to do it too soon, but I also don't want to wait to introduce her when or if we decide to make it a more long term/semi-permanent situation. Because he does not live in my city (he lives about 40 minutes away) it makes it difficult because when he comes here, we cannot hang out at the house. | |
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| My daughter does not want me to date
Posted: 10/9/2005 8:24:56 PM | | Well, from what you wrote about the likelihood of how your daugher will react (negative no matter who it is) if I were you I do it sooner to get it over with. I think at 16, she might wonder why she hasn't met him yet...... | |
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| My daughter does not want me to date
Posted: 10/9/2005 9:17:50 PM | You will know when the time is right. Just be gentle with her. Obviously it's hard for her to deal with. But be firm. You need your life too and she is almost old enough to leave home. Hopefully she will come around.
Good luck | |
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| My daughter does not want me to date
Posted: 10/9/2005 9:36:32 PM |  That is a challenging one.
I know my kids said they didnt want me to have girlfriends, even though their mum lives with her boyfriend. So I just tell em that "this is daddy's friend" But they are much younger than your daughter. They also dont seem to mind really.
I dont know what to tell you. but I am glad I read your story. | |
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| My daughter does not want me to date
Posted: 10/10/2005 4:38:27 AM | | I'm nodding with your therapist. I'm familiar with eating disorders to know enough about the control issues surrounding them. I don't think it will be easy, but, in the end, her therapist is close enough to the situation and has the experience under her belt to be able to identitify what is best in this situation. As for you...you have your own needs that have to be met. Your daughter can't be allowed to be the parent. Just how old do you have to be before you start dating? To allow your daughter this kind of control might be enabling her and would probably be toxic to her eating disorder. | |
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| My daughter does not want me to date
Posted: 10/10/2005 5:24:14 AM | Its difficult to know exactly what is the root of the issue(s) with the information given.It seems your daughter has some obvious esteem and security problems. This was highlighted by her father in effect "choosing"(or it would seem in her mind) an "outsider" OVER her. This may not be a problem with her selfishness but rather HIS.Its likely as much HIS issue with UNDERSTANDING than hers.
Understand that for children the foundation of their WORLD is their family unit. Divorce is though enough but when delt with properly the effect on the psyche is minimal. Certainly it would seem likely that the FATHER has some issues with SELFISHNESS. It would seem that she feels abandoned. This has resulted in some very negative pshychological issues for your daughter which will likely have physical ramifications(eating disorder is 1).
Children are our blessings. We as ADULTS must also bear the responsiblity of setting their foundation properly. I believe that it is healthy for adults to have outside interest.However by FAR the primary concern MUST be the child's best interest. Unfortunatly you married an idiot who is selfish and probably insecure himself. He doesn't understand that her foundation was spun around when he left,but cracked when he appeared to reject her. His insecurity has caused him to take a stance of "if she rejects my wife I reject her" attitude which also reflects on other issues he has personally psychologically and with you.
I am not infering that your daughter is blameless.She may or may not be,the FACT however is that they began this relationship when she was 10 if I understood your post correctly.In the case,regardless of "blame" the owness of RESPONSIBLITY to give care and understanding lays squarely on the ADULTS. Now at 16 it CAN be easier BUT...it will NOT be easy and WILL take TIME,PATIENCE,UNDERSTANDING,.....more time....more PATIENCE......LOADS OF LOVE....more PATIENCE.....more hugs many countless conversations more hugs and some outside interest for her as well(no,I DON"T MEAN DATING),also DO fun things together,DATE HER in a sense by spending scheduled quality time several times per week doing fun things..let her KNOW(demonstrate)SHE is by far your #1 PRIORITY(dating comes 4th or lower)..do this combined with MORE patience TONS of hugs  and limitless open conversations.....I think this will provide a reestablishment of her esteem and value...even her "place" in your world and HERS.
As to dating,IF he is worth your time and your daughter's,he will be MORE PATIENT in expectations of your time and availablity. 2 months is NOT alot of time to judge. I am enriched by your story in that you're conerned about your daughter enough to ask advice and that you have not involved him or anyone into HER life so quickly into relationship. Your ex has made a mess and unfortunately you are solely left to provide backbone or imagery.I applaud you for being WISE and courageous enough NOT to have dates/bf spend the night or have sex with your daughter in the house.It is commendable as MANY foolishly/selfishly do this. Continue to take your time dating for the ups and downs will have an effect on her even though she has not and will not meet him for several more months.Do not spend days(more than a night) away from her.I trust that even IF they meet in the future,you will continue to date your daughter,talk to her hug her and continue to keep her safe by not allowing him to sleep with you with her in the house. Any rational adult will understand that the relationship between parent and child is paramount.If an adult doesn't understand this or says he/she does but doesn't demonstrate it,it is a good sign to run while ahead.
You have 2 things;a relationship with your LOVE(daughter) and the desire for comanionship to deal with(dating) delicate balance,but by far the most important and rewarding, certainly guaranteed long lasting is the parent child relationship.Neither is easy.Both will be trying.Only 1 is gauranteed to be everlasting. This is why ALL stops should be pulled to make it even MORE WONDERFUL.
Hopefully in ONLY 2 years she will go to college,refreshed and healthy from your nurturing,guidence and support and begin her life as a young adult(college students always come home but at least you have MUCH more "me" time).
I hope all of this rambling will be of some help. I truely wish much success to you and your daughter. | |
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| My daughter does not want me to date
Posted: 10/10/2005 9:32:34 AM | This is a tough one. If your daughter was much younger I'd say that she's afraid of losing another parent. By your description of her dad he has basically abandoned her for a new girlfriend/wife.
I suggest to you that she views what you're doing as potentially the same thing and the end result of that will be an abandonment by her mother, leaving her w/o anybody.
I'm still scratching my head at the fact she's 16, though. She's almost a legal "adult" at 18 years of age, I would think at 16 she wouldn't be so apprehensive towards you dating.
It begs the question, do you leave for extended periods of time, spend the night (weekend) at the boyfriends house, etc.?
Please don't quickly dismiss your kids' anxiety, perhaps there's something you're doing which exacerbates her uneasyness.
hth | |
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| My daughter does not want me to date
Posted: 10/10/2005 11:22:06 AM | Hi CSK,
My situation is so very similar to yours. Instead of depression my daughter has had anxiety attacks, but otherwise, the rest is very similar. Her dad keeps changing girlfriends and wives, so this is a new upset every change.
As you, have always kept dates outside the house. After 2 months of dating this one gentlemen, very carefully introduced them, just by having him pick me up from home. Basically just introduced them, she hissed hello, and we said goodbye. She feels "safe" at home and threatened when he is in the house. So that is how it started. Had a large party at home and invited him, she did not speak to him, but was able to see other people talk to him. It took about a month and half of this, until she broke down and actually spoke to him without the anger. Lots of patience and baby steps. My daughter as it turned out, actually got mad at me one day, and out came her opinion, why should I bother talking to him, guys never stick around anyway. Looking at it from her viewpoint, quite accurate.
Now it appears that after all this patience this is not a really good relationship for me, but those are the breaks. Good luck I wish you and your daughter the very best. | |
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| My daughter does not want me to date
Posted: 10/10/2005 5:31:13 PM | | I want to thank you all for your responses. I have recieved some very good advice from you all. I spend relatively little time with the boyfriend. I do not spend nights or weekends away, and we only see each other once or twice a week. I am going to hold off for now introducing them...but recognize that eventually...should the relationship become long term that I will introduce them. I hope by my actions she will come to realize that I will not abandone her in favor of a boyfriend, but on the other hand I cannot allow her to control that particular aspect of my life. It will be a difficult balance act, and I hope I am up to the task and can do all this so everyone wins...or at least no one loses. Thank you again! | |
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| My daughter does not want me to date
Posted: 10/11/2005 10:16:20 AM | | Another point that hasn't been mentioned is that in all of the cases of eating disorders I've ever seen, they've all been very long term. Again, that question...how old do you have to be before you start dating? If you wait for her problems to be fixed, you could very well be feeding her disorder and hurting her. On top of that, if you have to wait for her, you could be looking at another 15 years before you start dating again, if ever. Your daughter isn't a child anymore, but, rather, a young woman. If you make decisions in order to try to protect or save her, she will never be her own person. | |
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| My daughter does not want me to date
Posted: 10/11/2005 10:57:16 AM | | I hear you on the dating fiasco.....my son...who, mind you is younger(less than 10)...gives me nothing but grief about trying to date someone....I understand to a point, because his brothers father really messed our family life up, but it doesn't make it any easier...Kids don't seem to understand the "one bad apple" theory, and it gets frustrating...mind you ...I have had one boyfrend and 5 other dates in the pat 2 years due to this. It is aggravating...I guess just hang in there and do your thing..Thats what i am doing..Good luck! | |
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| My daughter does not want me to date
Posted: 10/12/2005 9:55:34 AM | Well hello CSK.I'm a single parent of 3 children and I have the same problem with my oldest daughter who is 11.She has seem alot of domestic in her little life due to her father.So when it comes to me dating she gets freaked out.I let her know MOMMY will be safe and NOONE will ever hurt me or her and her other siblings.I will not let my children meet the person I am dating for awhile I need to know if the relationship is going to happen first and I need for my daughter to start being comfy with the person first.It is very hard.U need to know CSK u do not need to answer to anyone but urself,u need to be happy aswell.Just let ur daughter know she is only 16 and ur her mom and u deserve to be happy,just like her dad is.Also let her know u love her and NOONE will hurt her or u,be strong CSK.Go out there and have fun.My daughter is starting to enjoy the fact MOMMY is now going out and having fun.I'm dating this guy and when he calls my daughter answers the phone to him and now she knows he is on my msn and she will say HI to him,so far things seem to be good with her,and she knows I will Not push her to like him.Kids know things and their little minds are good at telling u if there is something wrong with the person ur dating.
Well CSK good luck and just have fun ur the parent hun. | |
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| My daughter does not want me to date
Posted: 10/12/2005 1:07:47 PM | | Sounds to me like if you could find a really wonderful man that she would benefit from a father figure. Her father doesn't seem to respect her feelings very much. Is she dating by the way? | |
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kce33
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Joined: 6/2/2005
Msg: 17 | |
| My daughter does not want me to date
Posted: 10/13/2005 2:27:18 AM | it sounds like power struggle with an imature child running the house hold..
and if the mom has been dating a guy for a few months and he knows why they can't hang out at her house, she better keep that guy... all the guys i know would not stick around that kind of situation...
kce | |
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| My daughter does not want me to date
Posted: 10/13/2005 6:22:25 AM | csk... it sounds like you instilled some very sound moral values in your daughter. but it also sounds like she's still pretty hurt over your divorce... it's good that you're in therapy and you should include your daughter in those sessions if you haven't already.
honestly, if i were you, i'd wait the two years you have left until she's an adult and i wouldn't date until that time. if you can't handle that then i'd suggest you keep your dating life private. it's really not a good idea to let your daughter in on that sort of stuff anyway. if you would like tips on keeping things private, let me know and i'll be happy to chime in... i've been keeping things private for 17 years... so i believe i've have mastered that aspect of my life. | |
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| My daughter does not want me to date
Posted: 10/13/2005 3:04:24 PM | | my youngest has a problem with me dating even though his mom lives wiht another guy. the older two think it is ok. I think it is important they see me date in a responsible manner. Let them see first hand that some dates work and some dont. Not that I have had a lot of dates. they are going to be dating at some point in their life. Positve examples are the best. the old actions speak louder than words thing. The older two have asked me what happened on the date and I tell them. I tell my youngest one I am going out with a freind and he handles it a little better. He is getting some theropy now because I dont think he is handling his mother leaving. I honesty believe you need time to be you. Weather it is dating or just going to movies. hope thing get better | |
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| My daughter does not want me to date
Posted: 10/13/2005 7:35:14 PM | i do agree that people need time to themselves but i can't disagree more with allowing your children to see you date for the sake of teaching them something their too young to understand in the first place.
in my case, if my son saw me dating every tom,****and harry, he'd probably have this notion that his mom is a slut. that's not the impression i'd like my son to have of me so i refrain from dating or i go out with someone when he's away for the weekend and i keep my private life private. he has a great deal of respect for me in that he knows he comes first in my life and i put nobody, especially a man, before him. when i chose to be a single parent, dating different men was a sacrifice i was willing to make in order to set a good example for my son. just as i work everyday, pay the mortgage, pay the bills, put food that i've cooked on the table, i come directly home from work and i take time to myself when i need to.
my son is now in a relationship with a young lady that is just the light of my life and he treats her like a queen. their relationship is very age appropriate and they respect each other in ways most adults neglect. where did he learn to treat her like a lady? well, i suppose that would be from the mother that didn't whore around for the past 17 years of his life.
you don't have to date in front of your children to show them how to do things right or how things can go horribly wrong. i wish more people would have more respect for themselves and their children to simply abstain or keep things of that nature incredibly private. | |
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| My daughter does not want me to date
Posted: 10/13/2005 7:56:07 PM | | I do think it ok to date but unless he's a "keeper" i would never introduce him to my kids.Dont need a bunch of losers walking through thier lives. | |
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| My daughter does not want me to date
Posted: 10/13/2005 8:01:23 PM | Teela...she has a boyfriend from time to time. They tend to be very shortlived and she does not get very close to her boyfriends. Then...she will grow bored with them and leave them hanging. As for the father figure thing...I am really just hoping for her to accept the person I am seeing as someone for me...and that she not feel threatened by them.
And kc...you are right....it is a power struggle to a certain extent. As sweet and wonderful as she is...I recognize her tendancy and ability to manipulate me....it is just very hard for me to disappoint her...I want her to be happy.
And, Kitty...i have considered just what you have suggested...keeping things private until she is gone...but it is soooo hard to continue seeing my bf only away from my house.
And tmb..I agree..I do need time to be me....and I wish you the best of luck with your son. I've had my daughter in therapy in the past...and I have been there too. It always helps just a little to have professional advice..good luck!
thank you all...everyone..for you kind words and encouragement. | |
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| My daughter does not want me to date
Posted: 10/13/2005 8:11:39 PM | csk... she has every right to feel threatend... he's taking your time with her away and that's scary to some kids. i urge you to try to see things from her perspective. it's not about her being a spoiled brat and trying to run your life... all she wants is you and i think you owe it to her to follow through in your committment to raise her without interferance from outside sources like boyfriends... be patient and ask your bf to do the same... just try your best to keep him at bay and away from your daughter. who's more important here? your daughter or him? silly question, i know... but that's the same question she's wanting the answer to, i guarantee you that. ;)
soon enough she'll have a boyfriend of her own and she'll see things a little different but for now... she just wants her mommy and i'd be flattered if i were you. ;)
try to arrange for her to spend the weekend at a friends house and you can have him over... if she visits her father, you can have him over... you can have the best of both worlds, you just need to be very mindful of your daughters feelings. she's already been through therapy and is probably more sensitive than others in this situation but there's a reason for that... just be careful. | |
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| My daughter does not want me to date
Posted: 10/13/2005 8:20:03 PM | I know, kitty...and I am trying to be careful. She has no relationship with her dad...and feels he chose his wife over her. I am trying to make sure that she knows I am not going to choose anyone over her but i would like to get her to respect and be sensitive to the fact I might want someone else in my life...just for me. I am in no hurry to make any dramatic changes. Fortunately, my bf is very sensitive about all this and is not pushing things. She tends to isolate herself from her friends somewhat...so I am pretty much her constant companion when she is not at school or participating in her sport.
I am hoping for the best..I suspect I will be juggling it for a while. | |
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| My daughter does not want me to date
Posted: 10/13/2005 8:29:23 PM | | she'll be grown and gone sooner than you can possibly imagine... i really do encourage you to be the stable parent in her life and be the companion she needs right now and enjoy her while she's still home with you. from what you've shared, i can tell you that i honestly think her fears are reasonable and she's counting on you not to do the same thing her dad did and the only way to prove that to her is to keep things private and keep your time with bf completely seperate from her... she really does deserve that from you... you are her only mom. | |
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