After the divorce is final..... Free Dating, Singles and Personals

After the divorce is final..... Posted: 12/6/2004 10:06:46 PM
Divorce is a terribly painful thing. I hate the destructive mental trauma of it. Watching my parents relationship disintegrate from an early age, I saw there was no way these two were ever compatible to begin with. I don't know why they married, but it was during the depression years, and maybe the pickings were slim in those days. I swore after watching that, and being the only son, having to take care of my mother after my father divorced her when she was 51, made me partly the cynic I am today. The bitterness, the verbal fighting, and the pain of it all made me sad, and despondent. I watched after, and saw my mother, who during those depression years came from a somewhat poor family, not prepared for anything beyond being a housewife. NOw being a housewife was and still is a valuable job, and a tough one, but it didn't pay anything, and my mother never got out of high school. So she was screwed, and went into an angry depression that she laid on me for some 40 years. I could do no right all my life with her, and maybe she had to take her anger out on me. The overwhelming control of my life and actions by her tough, domineering ways made me bitter myself, and I lost close to 20 years of my life taking care of her hoping that she would somehow change. There were no therapists much in those days, and it was a stigma to even thing about seeing a shrink. So the little woman hung tough all those years, and my life was a prison. I could do nothing right in her eyes. Things got worse and worse until I was her constant sounding board. The whole thing made me hate life, and the separation from my father never resolved until just before I finally met my wife, and I told my mother she had to go back to the old home in a small country community. I never heard the end of it. She hated my wife, resented me for abandoning her, although I always stayed in contact, tried to be positive with her, and sent money for her survival. My wife learned to hate her, and what she did to me. So I had this dilemma on my hands for 26 years of our marriage until my mother died of a massive stroke 2 years ago. I allowed her to die because she could not go on. So I pulled the plug. It was more than that, but I will not speak of it. She could not continue to go on in such a paralysed state. I had seen it all too often in the halls I walked. But the memory of it will go with me to my grave. My wife tried to understand, but found my support of my mother was mistaken. And she never said much, but was very concerned about how it affected my whole life. Yes, it was hard. My father was killed just after we had regained our contact by a head on collision with a tractor trailer. He was crushed. The news I met with stoic response, because men don't cry. That was the was it was when I grew up. It is much the same today, but more accepted. So I shed my tears alone when nobody was looking. My wife came from a somewhat rowdy but nurturing family life to which I was definitely not accustomed. The interruptions, the aggravation, and the 1200 miles distance was a tough travel the first few years, and I am not the visiting type. I found myself bored and miserable after 3 days of it, but we usually stayed about 10 days. The family reunions, the whole communication of this different world was strange and foreign to me. I was friendly, but hated the whole thing. Over the years, I quit going to that gathering of blathering, fussing, and boring ordeal, and told my wife I'd rather stay home and go to work rather than a "vacation" I didn't like. She understood and went to stay along with our two young daughters for a month every summer, and it was fine by me. I worked at home, cleaning, going to my job, and my vacation was always just the peace and quiet. So my work is all I know, and that was the extent of any vacation for me. Work was it, and I sought no other thing. My wife still goes to see her mother, and a lot has happened which I won't belabor here. I like her mother, the lady is a saint. But she knows, and her family knows I am a loner. I need the quiet time. 10 years ago, our younger daughter was diagnosed with systemic lupus, and we were told she had a life-threatening case that would shorten her life. The shock put my wife into the hospital twice, and her depression was like living an old nightmare all over again. My kid was sick, and my wife was sick. I had to hold up and provide as best I could. This has gone on for nearly 28 years now, and we have stuck by each other with love and devotion. But the past 40-plus years took a lot out of me. Maybe it is part of why I'm such a cynic today. Our environment and experiences all differ. This is just a small part of the world I faced every day. Now I age, and am working only part time in an intense job. But I live on while watching my daughter suffer, and my wife unable to hold a job. To be told you have a child who won't live too long is the most terrible blow I can imagine, and the chronic longevity of this disease is little understood if at all by millions. So they just don't know the hell of lupus. I'm tired now, and must go to sleep in my recliner as my back aches too much completely lying down. My sadness over all these years, with this finale is something I cannot explain. Pain is a terrible thing, and the cruelty of people where my daughter and wife are concerned are another story of agony and intense anger that I cannot adequately describe. Suffice it to say, I am a very angry man who must keep his mouth shut, and move on. Others have it bad too, so I'll quit my talking, and go get the limited sleep I can. Tomorrow is another day, and I have fought this war of life for a long time. I pray, take a few meds, and hope for better days. But I see very little ahead except continued struggle to make ends meet. My days are in the winter now, and my spring, summer, and fall are gone. I've had to be strong through all these storms, but always tell myself others have it much worse. But I do need to vent, and have lots of issues. I do not mean to divulge a part of my life history here. So I will shut up, and keep on. I know we all have our individual hells, so I'll trouble you no more with such posts. May your days be bright, or your problems lighten up, and hope for a better tomorrow.