| | Is it OK to be friends with your ex?Page 1 of 3 (1, 2, 3) | I recently has some very nice email exchanges with a lady I met POF. We then progressed to a telephone call and the conversation was going quite well. I found this person very interesting and we seemed to have some chemistry. Then I said that my ex-wife could be “considered one of my best friends”.
Everything changed after that. The person advised me that as long as I considered my ex a “best friend”, there would be no room for any potential new partner to become my “best friend”.
Both my ex and myself are from families where the parents divorced. Neither of us have a relationship with our fathers. I also have friends who are divorced and are constantly at odds with their ex’s – and of course, the kids are caught in the middle. When we divorced we both committed ourselves to ensuring that our two children would have healthy relationships with both parents. Our children have come through their parents breakup with confidence because they have seen their mom and dad get along with each other. They see that we are friends and there is no animosity between us.
I could not imagine doing it any differently. So, what is wrong with being friends with my ex? Why would someone be threatened by this? | |
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| Is it OK to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 10/13/2005 9:44:14 AM | | I don't have any animosity with my ex and the kids see that. I don't mind talking to her about the kids and such, but I would hardly call her a friend anymore. You don't need to be "best friends" for that to happen. Saying that, there is nothing wrong with being friends with an ex, but if you go around saying this to potential mates, then expect a lot of the same responses you got. | |
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luki1
| | Joined: 8/2/2005
Msg: 3 | |
| Is it OK to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 10/13/2005 9:45:08 AM | There is nothing WRONG with it.....
You should be VERY proud of yourself...I too am still very good friends with my Ex and I couldn't imagine it any other way. He was my best friend for many years, and just because we fell out of love with each other doesn't mean I don't cherish his friendship.
If someone is threatened by your EX wife, maybe she would also be threatened by your children, be glad you found out soon then later.
Good Luck and Keep up the GREAT work! | |
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| Is it OK to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 10/13/2005 9:50:41 AM | Thanks luki.
It doesn't make sense to me to deny that my ex. is a good friend. What kind of person would I be if I were to deny my friendships because someone else is threatened my them? I certainly wouldn't want any of my "friends" treating me that way. | |
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| Is it OK to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 10/13/2005 9:54:50 AM | @xcanadiansteel
It's much better if you can remain friends with your ex, especially if there are children involved. I give both of you a lot of credit for staying friendly and committing yourselves to putting the children first and getting along so the kids aren't adversely affected. While I can understand what you meant by saying your ex could be considered one of your best friends, it sounds like the woman you mentioned it to is either insecure or didn't understand how you meant it, though it sounds like the former to me. It also sounds like she didn't understand how rare and special someone who can do that is and you're better off for finding out now rather than later. She'd probably be jealous of the time you spent with your kids also. | |
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| Is it OK to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 10/13/2005 9:58:38 AM | That totally rocks that you and your ex remained friends, my mom and dad are close friends now even though they've been divorced four about seven or eight years now. I got alot of respect for him because even though he wasn't my biological father he still stayed in my life, he couldve done what alot of guys do and just never contact me or my sisters again but he didn't, that's a real man for ya.
And if the woman you were or still are talking to insist that you break off your friendship with your ex...maybe she's not right for you, she'd want you to keep that friendship if she cares for you. | |
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| Is it OK to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 10/13/2005 10:04:21 AM | friends with Xzilla is a neccesity for our children. i don't know that i would feel threatend if a significant other was still friends with his X. i think honestly it depends on the situation. how the relationship ended, what ties you together, and how you act around each other.
this statement bothers me:
"Everything changed after that. The person advised me that as long as I considered my ex a “best friend”, there would be no room for any potential new partner to become my “best friend”."
this is why she feels threatened. if she is your significant other, then she should be first on your list, not your X.
just an opninion. | |
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| Is it OK to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 10/13/2005 10:15:52 AM | No its not ok,
I mean no contacts without reason.
If you have another partner,there will be uncomfortable situation
People's mind fly over everything. | |
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| Is it OK to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 10/13/2005 10:25:17 AM | Does that mean I have to stop being friends with all females?
Mudflower - I agree. I would hope that when I do meet the right person that they will become my best friends, but you don't automatically become someones best friend just because you are dating them. That is something that takes time to develope. You don't just toss aside your old friends because you make new ones.
In this case, I had not yet even met this person. | |
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| Is it OK to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 10/13/2005 10:47:24 AM | | Ex is ex. Trying to remain friends with an ex is a way of trying to get back together with that ex. Anyone who wants that is not ready for a relationship with anyone but the ex. | |
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| Is it OK to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 10/13/2005 11:31:11 AM | | Mamiyaguy, I totally disagree. I'm still friends with exs - not because I'm interested in them, lord knows I'm not! It's because the thing that attracted me to them was that they were good people. I would be very hurt and upset if my current boyfriend asked me to cut ties with them. I would think him /very/ reasonable if he didn't want...say, me to visit the one in the UK, or do romantic-ish things with the more local one, but if he got upset over the fact that we keep in touch and occasionally do lunch, I'd feel untrusted. | |
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| Is it OK to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 10/13/2005 11:47:53 AM |
Ex is ex. Trying to remain friends with an ex is a way of trying to get back together with that ex. Anyone who wants that is not ready for a relationship with anyone but the ex.
I can see your point, as I'm not friends with any of my exes but that's mostly because my serious relationships turned out to be unhealthy. So why would I want to be friends with them? lol However with my less serious relationships, I can be. Does that make sense? I guess I saw that I didn't want to become serious so they became only friends. However no one should feel threatened by my relationships with these people because obviously, if I was attracted to them, they wouldn't be JUST friends.  | |
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| Is it OK to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 10/13/2005 11:53:31 AM | Nothing wrong with it at all. I have two ex's that are nothing but bitter animosity and one ex that we worked at retaining the friendship. We talk every two or three weeks for a couple hours. She halfway across the country, is living with her new BF and they are talking about wedding bells in a couple years. I think it's great and will probably be at the wedding.
I recently had someone tell me that this relationship with my ex was "un-healthy" for me.
Hmmmmm....we make the effort to be friends with someone, work through a failed relationships issues and come out the other side happy with ourselves and moving forward AS OPPOSED TO living in bitter resentlfulness, ugly memories and bad feelings.
Since I have experience with BOTH sides of that equation I can definitely say the former is much better and healthier than the later. Not healthy for me?? Pish-Posh.
Don't feel like something is wrong at all dude. If your happy, be happy. If someone else can't accept it, there are probably a lot of OTHER things they eventually wouldn't accept either. | |
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| Is it OK to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 10/13/2005 12:13:37 PM | | I'd say it can be ok. Perhaps a little awkward at first, and you certainly have to set some mutually observed boundaries, but if you can do that and it works, good for you. | |
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| Is it OK to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 10/13/2005 12:28:08 PM | | I think it's best to not tell a potential date that you are best friends with anyone of the opposite sex. The person you are dating might feel that they should be your best friend. You don't want competition of who is better then who or “ I was your best friend first”. That is childish and feelings might be hurt. This is what I think it creates. For a lot of people, your current partner, date, or wife should be your best friend or at least the person you share the most with. | |
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| Is it OK to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 10/13/2005 1:05:21 PM | @xcanadiansteel
absolutely NOT, i have loads of male friends. the key is trust. trust is a neccesity for any relationship.
agreed friendships do take time to develop, and every relationship should begin as a friendship. NO, you should not toss aside your old friends because you make new ones. i assumed that this was a significant other and that the relationship had already evolved. bad form on my part. if she is someone that you don't know well or have never met, then why does she feel threatened? has something happened in her past to make her leary of the relationship between yourself and your X? perhaps you should explore this and communicate with her. get to the root of what bothers her. it could be just insecurity and jealousy that stems from lack of control in the situation. do you really want to begin a relationship with someone that has insecurity issues, or lack of trust for you? | |
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| Is it OK to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 10/13/2005 1:12:33 PM |
Ex is ex. Trying to remain friends with an ex is a way of trying to get back together with that ex. Anyone who wants that is not ready for a relationship with anyone but the ex.
My ex is happily remarried. In fact, I went to her wedding two years ago. The kids were in heaven to have their dad there with them when their mom remarried. It was a lot of fun.
When “love” dies, it doesn’t mean that the person you once loved is suddenly an ugly terrible human being. I was friends with her before I married her. Our relationship didn’t work out, but the things about her that I liked are still there.
I spent 10 years married to her. I have two children with her. Why would I suddenly “hate” her now. Of course she’s my friend.
That has nothing to do with not being ready to have a relationship with someone new. Why would I want to erase my past or discard a good friend? | |
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| Is it OK to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 10/13/2005 1:34:36 PM | Yup, its ok to be "friends" w/ the X.
And it makes even more sense considering that you have children together. You're doing the right thing by your kids. | |
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| Is it OK to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 10/13/2005 1:40:13 PM | mudflower
I unfortunately did not really have the opportunity to explore her reasons for her feelings. Perhaps I should have tried harder. Fault on my part! I think I was a little surprised by her rejection of me due to my friendship with my ex. That's why I posted this thread. I am curious if others feel this way. | |
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| Is it OK to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 10/13/2005 1:45:53 PM | xcanadiansteel...How are you my friend!
I'm still friends with my ex...and his new wife as well...
It wasn't easy and it took a few years to get to this point,but ,in the long run,it's helped my children to see that no animosity remains between us. | |
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| Is it OK to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 10/13/2005 2:03:15 PM | Hi leafslady!
Haven't chatted in a while! 
I can certainly see the confidence in my children that I didn't have when I was younger and my parents separated.
There are bumps along the way, as you eluded to, but your right, in the long run it great for the kids, and in the end, its not so hard being friends with an ex. It sure is easier than fighting all the time!
Wouldn't it be more difficult to be in a relationship with someone who was constantly fighting with their ex than with someone who was friends with them?
I'm sure when your children are adults they will have a lot of respect for you and you ex. Well done! | |
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| Is it OK to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 10/13/2005 3:15:38 PM | Only question I have is...if your ex and yourself are able to be "best friends" what the hell are you doing apart?
Shakes head... | |
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| Is it OK to be friends with your ex?
Posted: 10/13/2005 3:39:33 PM | Only question I have is...if your ex and yourself are able to be "best friends" what the hell are you doing apart?
because one may be a great friend but not so great in a relationship. | |
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