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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/13/2005 11:04:20 PM | I belong to this joke list and some are just priceless (one of my favourites is listed in my profile) so I thought I'd share some everyday of the ones that made ME laugh.
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A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a
Genie's lamp.
She picked it up, rubbed it & a Genie appeared. The amazed woman
asked if she was entitled to three wishes.
The Genie said "No. Due to inflation, constant downsizing, low
wages in third world countries & fierce global competition, I can
only grant you one wish. So what'll it be?"
The woman didn't hesitate. She said "I want peace in the Middle
East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with
each other."
The Genie looked at the map & exclaimed "Gadzooks, lady! These
countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but
not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been
able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and
fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in
bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the
time and is faithful. That's what I wish for."
The Genie let out a long sigh & said,
"Let me see that ****in' map!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/15/2005 4:34:29 AM | Two lesbians walk into a House of Ill Repute. They ask for the
youngest woman in the joint.
The Madame says that she will not allow the youngest girl any
time with them.
The lesbians make the demand again,
"We want the youngest girl here!"
The madam says, "No. I don't serve minors to lickers." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/17/2005 11:25:59 AM | THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female definition: Any part under a car's bonnet.
Male definition: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
LESBIAN (lez-bee-an) n.
Female: A woman who makes love to other women.
Male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing soccer without shin pads.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2
minutes.
COMMUNICATION (ko-muu-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's
Partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a
weekend with The lads.
BUM (bum) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured
makes look bigger.
Male: The organ for mooning (and farting).
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's
Girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Sex!!
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and
male bonding.
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can Achieve.
Male: What women do while the man is shagging. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/17/2005 11:26:22 AM | Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came
back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge
to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery.
Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.
The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she
took off her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded
them.
The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting
rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath
to clean herself.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on
the phone, and one says to the other:
"We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up
to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties..."
The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a
card stuck to her ass that read, "We will never forget you." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/17/2005 7:45:51 PM | How To Shower Like a Woman:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
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How To Shower Like a Man:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-hoo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-hoo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/19/2005 11:44:29 AM | Ok this one's corny but I laughed. lol
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Evan and Dai were lost in the desert, and were dying of thirst.
All at once they saw a collection of tents and market stalls in
the distance. They rushed into the first and asked if they sold
water.
"No," replied the Arab within, "We only have custard."
The men went into the next tent and asked the same question.
"I'm sorry," said the second Arab, "We only sell jelly."
Perplexed, the men went to the last stall in the market, once
again asking if there is any water to spare.
"A thousand apologies," said the Arab, "We only have sponge
cakes."
The men left, disappointed and a little confused.
"That was weird," said Evan.
"Yes," replied Dai, "It was a trifle bazaar." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/21/2005 1:38:00 PM | Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golfcourse when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I joinyou? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait ! a minute , that's my neighbor in there with her...... He's naked, too!!! The ****!"
He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?" "I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth." "Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his****off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/23/2005 2:14:52 AM | Oh hell this one made me
Manliness Test
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to
as:
A. Lovemaking
B. Screwing
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after
you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN SportsCenter.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find
out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you just had sex
with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last
month. You tell her that it is:
A. No big concern of yours.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth
B. An oxymoron
C. A moron
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. Appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself
saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville, baby... population: YOU."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with
that sort of intimacy.
B. Probably Is too uptight and a waste of your time.
C. Probably shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the
first place.
Scoring Guide:
If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make
sure you really are a man.
If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're
a little confused.
If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/23/2005 7:53:21 AM | | A priest and a nun are crossing the Sahara Desert on a camel. Three days and 100 miles into the desert, the camel is bitten by a sandviper and dies. As they stand in the desert heat, the priest realizes he's never in his life experienced the physical love of a woman, so he decides to fool the nun. He approaches the nun, and says, "Sister, I have something to show you." Dropping his pants, he points at his crotch and says, "Sister, this is the staff of life." Squealing, the nun says, "OH, GOODY; STICK IT UP THE CAMEL'S ASS AND LET'S GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!".... | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/24/2005 8:02:58 PM | Mitch Hedberg
I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle."
I hate dreaming. Because when you sleep, you wanna sleep. Dreaming is work, you know - there I am in a comfortable bed, the next thing you know I have to build a go-kart with my ex-landlord. I want a dream of me watching myself sleep.
So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.
They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.
The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique.
If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here!"
My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.
I wrote my friend a letter with a highlighting pen, but he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.
I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/25/2005 11:53:16 AM | A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear
for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he
waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before
the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the day
and he would have to return the following day.
"What for?" he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared,
"Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented.
"That's all right. You don't have to pay now."
The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two
more words." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/25/2005 12:38:53 PM | some good ones bra.
you know I love em | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/27/2005 12:40:49 PM | haha thanks, this one made me chuckle.
Advice for Husbands About Aging Wives
It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it
becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of
housekeeping they did when they were younger. When men notice
this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle
the situation.
When I chucked my job and took early retirement a year ago, it
became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job both for extra
income and for health insurance benefits that we need. She was a
trained lab tech when we met thirty some years ago and was
fortunate to land a job at the local medical center.
It was shortly after she started working at this job that I
noticed that she was beginning to show her age. I usually get
home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home
from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always
says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she
starts supper. I try not to yell at her when this happens.
Instead, I tell her to take her time. I understand that she is
not as young as she used to be. I just tell her to wake me when
she finally does get supper on the table.
She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished
eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for
several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her
several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves.
I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them
done before she goes to bed.
Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger,
Nancy used to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and
not get tired. Now that she is older she seems to get tired so
much more quickly. Sometimes she says she just can't make another
trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As
long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing
to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something
ironed to wear to the Monday's lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or
Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or
something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next
evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to
do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog,
vacuuming, or dusting.
Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to
gut and scale the fish as a more leisurely pace. Nancy is
starting to complain a little occasionally. Not often, mind you,
but just enough for me to notice. For example, she will say that
it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills
during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue
to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over
two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then
wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.
When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest
periods than she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she
said she had to take a break when she was only half finished
mowing the yard.
I overlook comments like these because I realize it's just age
talking. In fact, I try to not embarrass her when she needs
these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a
nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit
for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for
herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by
the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.
I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support
Nancy on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show
this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it
difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better
than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. My
purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you make the
effort. I realize that achieving the exemplary level of showing
consideration I have attained is out of reach for the average
man. However guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little
less often because of this article, I will consider that writing
it was worthwhile.
Note: This article was found next to the author's body. The cause
of death is still under investigation
Yeah no sh.it! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/30/2005 12:05:45 AM | I used to love watching Westerns when I was a kid with my Dad, so this one made me chuckle...
Things You'll Never Hear In A Western Movie ....
"Guns? We don't need no stinking guns!"
"Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my ass look big?"
"Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!"
"Let's see ... hardtack and pemmican ... that's three grams of
fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches."
"Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let's
draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution."
"Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little
boys' room."
"It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone, women
is from Dodge."
"HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS!! ...Okay, now a little to the left...
Oooh! Stop right there. Perfect!"
"That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my
therapist!"
"Y'know, Badlands Pete... a roaring campfire, good coffee, nice
prairie breeze, just you 'n' me ... what say we put on the
rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or two?"
"I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist. IN A
DIRTY MUG!"
You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to get
started on the gazpacho and the fondue."
"He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a keen
eye for interior decoration." | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/31/2005 10:04:00 PM | Here's some more new drugs that may soon be on the market..
St. Mom's Wort ... Plant extract that treats mom's depression by
rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
Empty Nestrogen ... Highly effective suppository that eliminates
melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as
teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out.
Peptobimbo ... Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups
swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases
intelligence, and improves flirting.
Dumerol ... When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low
I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music and WWF wrestling
Flipitor .. Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling
road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
Antiboyotics ... When administered to teenage girls is highly
effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and
reducing money spent on make-up.
Menicillin ... Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases
resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better
person ... can we get naked now?"
Buyagra ... Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping.
Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength Buy-one-all ... When combined with Buyagra, can
cause an indiscriminant buying frenzy so severe the victim may
even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
Jack Asspirin ... Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't
remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
Anti-talksident ... A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be
used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total
strangers.
Sexcedrin ... Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than
Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache,"
syndrome.
Ragamet ... When administered to a husband, provides the same
irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the
time and trouble of doing it herself.
Men-Gay ... A rub-in ointment that enables single women to
identify who to cross off the dating pool. | |
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Garf
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Joined: 4/4/2005
Msg: 16 | |
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/31/2005 10:31:31 PM | | Yup, that is exactly how I shower...lol. Awesome thread, love the jokiness, lol. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/31/2005 11:33:59 PM | Why I fired my secretary...
Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hope my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possible have a present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.”
I thought… well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids came into breakfast and didn’t say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said, “Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday!” It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o’clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your birthday, let’s go out to lunch, just you and me.” I said, “Thanks Jane, that’s the greatest thing I’ve hear all day. Let’s go!” We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day… We don’t need to go back to the office, do we?”
I responded, “I guess not. What do you have in mind?” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment.” After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I’ll be right back.” “Ok.” I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes; she came out carrying a huge birthday cake… followed by my wife, kids and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all signing “Happy Birthday.”
And I just sat there… On the couch… Naked. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 10/31/2005 11:35:11 PM | | LOL Garf, now I have a mental image of you shaking your wiener and making woo hoo sounds. | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/1/2005 7:32:15 AM | | Why I fired my secretary... LMFAO Now that is funny!! | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/1/2005 7:36:31 AM | REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2
minutes.
COMMUNICATION (ko-muu-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's
Partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a
weekend with The lads.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Sex!!
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can Achieve.
Male: What women do while the man is shagging.
All of these are too true to be funny  | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/1/2005 7:38:21 AM | | Two women go out one weekend without their husbands.<<<< DAmn!!! I think I broke a rib laughing.... | |
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Garf
|
Joined: 4/4/2005
Msg: 22 | |
| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/1/2005 4:34:22 PM | Although all the women reading this thread got a good laugh...99% of the men reading this thread won't even read what I have to say. There's boobs on the left, and that's all that matters. All most guys are reading right now is blah blah blah...boobs...blah blah blah...
Sad but true.
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/7/2005 1:04:16 AM | A hippie gets on a bus and proceeds to sit across from a Nun in
the front seat. Through her heavy head piece he just spots a
glimmer of her face. Gorgeous!
She moves, and her vestments cannot hide the fact she has a truly
phenomenal body.
The hippie gets more and more excited until he finally
approaches the nun and says "Sister, I don't normally do this
sort of thing, but I'm very attracted to you. Can we get
together some time?"
The Nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets
off at the next stop.
When the bus starts on its way the bus driver says to the
hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to
have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus
driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun
goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord.
"With your long hair and beard," said the bus driver "you could
dress in white robes, tell her you're Jesus and command her to
have sex with you."
Well the Hippie decides to try this out, so that Tuesday he goes
to the cemetery and waits for the nun.
Right on schedule the nun shows up. When she's in the middle of
praying the hippie walks out from hiding, wearing a hooded white
robe. "I am the Son of God, I have heard your prayers and I will
answer them, but you must have sex with me first."
The nun is flabbergasted but says she will concede to his wishes
with one condition - she asks for anal sex so she might keep her
virginity.
The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about going to work
on the nun.
After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his hood and shouts out,
"Ha ha, I'm the hippie!!"
The nun replies by whipping off her hood and shouting,
"Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!!" | |
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| My Joke Thread.
Posted: 11/7/2005 1:58:16 AM | Strange looking orange bra..3 posts above me.......
oh wait....Its Garf
OT......................
> My wife and I have the secret to making our marriage last:
> >
> > Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine some
> > good food and companionship.
> > She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
> >
> > We also sleep in separate beds.
> > Hers is in Florida and mine is in Cincinnati.
> >
> > I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
> >
> > I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere
> > I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
> > So I suggested the kitchen.
> >
> > We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
> >
> > She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and, electric bread
> > maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit
> > down!"
> > So I bought her an electric chair.
> >
> > My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in
> > the carburettor. I asked where the car was.
> > She told me, "In the lake."
> >
> > My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas.
> > She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now.
> >
> > She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
> > Then the mud fell off.
> >
> > She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the
garbage?"
> > The driver said, "No, jump in!"
> >
> > Remember....Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
> > Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.
> >
> > I married Miss Right.
> > I just didn't know her first name was Always.
> >
> > I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months.
> > I don't like to interrupt her.
> >
> > The last fight was my fault.
> > My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" ...I said, 'Dust!"
> >
> > In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
> > Then God created man and rested.
> > Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
> >
> > Why do men die before their wives?
> > Cause they want to.
> >
> >
>
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