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| Deadbeats!
Posted: 10/14/2005 12:22:26 PM | | Who all has a child and has a dead beat for a parent on this site? | |
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| Deadbeats!
Posted: 10/14/2005 12:45:42 PM | i do and that's for sure!!!!!!!!!!!! a man with 5 kids including my son and he only sees the youngest. never a christmas card, birthday card, no money, no nothing.
we're much better off without him, but times get hard sometimes, fathers seem to get away with paying for their children, well my ex has, never paid a penny, yet goes drinking every weekend, has expensive clothes and a nice car. doesn't seem fair.
but then i realise what i have, his beautiful son and i wouldn't change that for any amount of money.
before i joined this site, i thought i was the only single mother around.
since coming on here i realise i'm not alone and even though it's a bad thing, it makes me kinda happy i have other people just like me in the world. | |
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| Deadbeats!
Posted: 10/14/2005 1:10:30 PM | Sometimes I really wish I could use my animations here
but I would have to say I do also. She does nothing no calls, no cards, no letters, no birthday gifts.
It's no fun.
DragonRider | |
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| Deadbeats!
Posted: 10/14/2005 4:35:50 PM | | Dead beat is a nice way of calling what my ex is. He still lives at home and if my daughter (who is 3) comes over he leaves the house. My daughter gets nothing from him but stress she picks up from me | |
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| Deadbeats!
Posted: 10/14/2005 5:40:23 PM | Since men usually get bashed under this topic, I'll throw in a few issues:
1) When the man leaves the woman, and she is not happy about it, she makes coming to see their child a living hell with all kinds of drama and demands and questions that are none of her business
2) A woman can say anything she wants about a man, true or untrue, and everyone believes her just because she is the mother
3) If these guys are such deadbeats, than the mother is an equally at fault for having a child with a deadbeat. People don't change - if he is a deadbeat now, he was a deadbeat when you spread your legs for him
4) The woman is given more choices and options than a man. If a gal gets pregnant and does not want to be a parent, she can choose to have an abortion. The guy has no say in the matter at all. But, if the guy gets someone pregnant and absolutely does not want to be a parent, he is not allowed to choose to end his parental rights and is stuck with the woman's decision. | |
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| Deadbeats!
Posted: 10/14/2005 5:51:55 PM | When the man leaves the woman, and she is not happy about it, she makes coming to see their child a living hell with all kinds of drama and demands and questions that are none of her business
FALLACY.... my sons father is the king of deadbeats but there has ALWAYS been an open door for him to be involved. Even times where I would drive him there back, including a recent 2 hour commute bc his lack of work (ie- laziness) results in a lack of gas money.
2) A woman can say anything she wants about a man, true or untrue, and everyone believes her just because she is the mother
I would say thats an overstatement, but true to some degree. I would counter and say that my ex badmouthed me a heck of a lot more and people bought it. Thats why he never visited bc I "wouldnt let him" BS
3) If these guys are such deadbeats, than the mother is an equally at fault for having a child with a deadbeat. People don't change - if he is a deadbeat now, he was a deadbeat when you spread your legs for him
I agree in most cases. I accept full responsibility in making poor decisions which resulted in my teen pregnancy and having my son with a for lack of better terms, jacka**. I wasnt raised in a home where healthy relationships and strong personal values/morals were taught. That is certainly a factor, but in the end I am responsible for my actions. I have thankfully come to terms with the reasons behind my poor decisions and my son is reaping the benefits of my personal awareness.
4) The woman is given more choices and options than a man. If a gal gets pregnant and does not want to be a parent, she can choose to have an abortion. The guy has no say in the matter at all. But, if the guy gets someone pregnant and absolutely does not want to be a parent, he is not allowed to choose to end his parental rights and is stuck with the woman's decision.
Fully agreed... however... thats where the guys personal responsibility comes in. It takes two to tango... we all play a part. You take the chance (and yes, I know condoms break/etc..., so this isnt applicable to 100% of scenarios) if you have unprotected sex, even if she is on something - you might become a daddy. abstinence in the only thing that is 100%. If we hold single mothers to that statement than we must hold the fathers to it as well. We are BOTH responsible.
FYI- my sons father wanted to keep the baby, so even that is not applicable to him.
Some good points, some I dont agree with fully. Thanks for the input. | |
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| Deadbeats!
Posted: 10/14/2005 6:03:13 PM | abstinence in the only thing that is 100%?
Actually, abortion is also 100%. And, my point was not about responsibility, my point was about choice. Women have more choices than men. | |
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| Deadbeats!
Posted: 10/14/2005 6:12:22 PM | Yes, after the fact we have more choices. However, getting a woman pregnant is your choice. The same as it being a choice for a woman to risk getting pregnant. I see the flamers throwing it out about a womans choice/responsibility to have a child. However, 2 people made 2 choices that resulted in the pregnancy. All I am preaching is equality. We are all responsible for our respective children coming into the world. Tell a woman not to "spread her legs" tell a man to make a date with rosy. Works either way sweetie.
Not looking to flame ya or fight, just stating my opinions and in some cases I agree, some I dont. Public forum- thats how this works. | |
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| Deadbeats!
Posted: 10/14/2005 11:33:51 PM | | The choice is simple father a child take responsibility , Give birth to a child take resonsibility all the choices are there for parents but what about the choice of the child? They didn't ask for this. | |
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| Deadbeats!
Posted: 10/15/2005 1:49:30 AM | It doesn't help when the courts consider men second class parents - as one lawyer put it (with regards to my ex): she'd pretty much have to be a bonified coke-head or lunatic before a judge would even consider giving me primary custody. So, despite the fact I was very much the primary caregiver when we were 'together' - she was often out late, sleeping in, or 'out/busy' whenever I (or anybody else, for that matter) was available to watch our son - the fact that she has a uterus somehow makes her the defacto better parent?
In my situation, it's really an opportunity for her to cash in on a pretty good meal ticket once I'm done my degree - I have no issue paying for my son, of course - though he has been with me more than her lately (I'm a full time university student with a part time job and she drives a school bus... figure that one out) - but I've no interest in paying for her frivolities/alcohol/drugs. It's no small wonder that there are a significant number of fathers in perpetual exile from Canada - the bias is really that bad here when push comes to shove (stay out of the courts!!)
Of course, the world isn't a just place - or else my son would have both parents under the same roof, able to distance themselves from selfish thinking. And I have no one to blame but myself for the situation for my poor choices - the one great thing that has come of it is my son and you bet your ass I'll fight kicking and screaming so that the best opportunities are his (a rich life has very little to do with money, I think).
But, I'm sick of seeing these deadbeat dad threads - they're prevalent, I'm sure, because the problem exists and should be addressed - I'm simply sick of them because it is beyond my imagination how somebody could walk away from their child (mind you, I've seen much in the last year that I never had imagined that one person could do to another...)
When I returned home from a trip one day to find my ex had packed off my son (and choice valubles) six hours away, it was the start of the hardest two weeks of my life. If given the opportunity then, I may very well have sold my soul to have made that feeling go away... having him brought back. I ended up having to give her money so she would move closer to a reasonable distance, not to mention enduring conversation after conversation of hateful untruths and accusations - complete character assasination as I listened, whenever I disagreed or took offence she'd make certain I knew who was in control of my access to our son (an excellent stress during my summer session final exams, don't you think?)
In retrospect, I shouldn't have played her game... gave her that control over me - but I think I'd do it all over again because I think however much I BS I had to take, my son is more than worth it. In truth, the marriage was dead long ago - I was only trying to make a reconciliation for his sake (thank goodness our marriage counsellor agreed to go pro-bono after just under a thousand dollars was spent!)
At the end of the day, I see my son not as much as I'd like, but more often than even the loose agreement between my ex and I would suggest (I'm the ever-available free babysitter she feels absolutely no obligation to compensate or even thank when I change my plans with little or no notice).
There's a special place reserved for deadbeat dads in the afterlife, I'm sure. | |
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| Deadbeats!
Posted: 10/15/2005 5:18:37 AM | Mobibu, kudos to you for realizing the importance of sticking with things and making sure you are there for your son. I fully agree that the courts are biased, many times the father is better suited for the role of primary caregiver and is passed over. Its a sad but true fact, hopefully through lots of challenges by awesome dads like yourself the perception will start to change.
I guess the thing that gets me is all of the anti-single mom talks. For every person who bashes a single mom, majority should be bashing the corresponding deadbeat dad. I just tend not to see bashing of single fathers, although I suppose it has to happen sometimes. However, we often neglect the deadbeat moms in our bashing, and they rightfully deserve to be dragged through the mud. Like you, I cant imagine walking away from my child.
Sometimes I just wish people would have a little compassion before they posted in here... but I live in dreamland  so I wont hold my breath! | |
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| Deadbeats!
Posted: 10/15/2005 5:27:51 AM | | The problems with the courts are antiquated laws and the facts that systems have been established for years to supports women in the courts do to the fact that most stayed home with the kids and couldn't finacially afford to do it. With the changes in the global society and with more women in the work force the laws have not changed and adapted with social change. I do understand this as I fought for my sons ( through the court systems ) for 5 yrs and Now have sole custody and sole Guardien ship of my sons. Dispite all of this the only ones that have lost are the kids and this is somethingthat most people seem to overlook. They get so wrapped up in disputes between them selves that they forget about the kids. Now i am a single dad of two fantastic kids and I do know how much it costs to raise kids ( espesially older ones ) I have been on both sides of the fence on this issue. struggling to see my kids from a great distance and being labeled ( dead beat ) to having my sons and their mother dropping off the face of the earth and becoming what she claimed that I was . I hold no anger towards her only the sadness for my sons as they loos in the end of not having two parents that can see eye to eye. For all the single parents out there it is time to stop fighting with each other and start fighting to change these laws and the system that governs it. Write letters to MLA's and gov officials. Fight for the childrens rights to have both parents share in their lives with reasonable access as well as taking into acount of changing finacial situations. | |
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| Deadbeats!
Posted: 10/16/2005 6:36:47 AM | My son's birthfather is the King of Deadbeats. Although since he found out I am going thru a divorce, he has been a little better (gotta give him some credit, I guess.... he at least seems to be trying - for the moment). I think he felt really intimidated by my ex, and now feels like he has a chance to possibly repair things. No excuse for the past 14 yrs, of course. But I'm a live-for-today kind of person, so we'll just have to see what happens. My son at 14 is currently choosing to not even entertain the idea of building a relationship with him. And I feel he's old enough to make his own choices on this.
BTW, this deadbeat is $70,000 in the hole already, and that number keeps growing & growing. | |
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| Deadbeats!
Posted: 10/16/2005 7:18:59 AM | | Me ME I think I should win some kind of award for putting up with the biggest deadbeat fater ever known to man. Why do we choose to have children with these people, I have to ask myself all the time WHAT WAS I THINKING? | |
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| Deadbeats!
Posted: 10/16/2005 7:25:54 AM | ^^^^^
im always thinking to my self saying WHAT WAS I THINKING? but then i look at my little girl & know that he is the one missing out not me x | |
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| Deadbeats!
Posted: 10/16/2005 7:41:35 AM | I'm thinking deadbeat parents, not just dads or moms....no singling out there.
I made my choices to create two children when I was so much younger than today. Alot of us did. Things are never as clear when you are younger.
If I knew then, what I know now, would I have changed any of it?
NO.
The boys wouldn't be who they are, I wouldn't be who I am. I love them heart & soul. I'm not bitter about thier dad being who he is anymore. I think it's a matter of growing older & maturing somewhat. | |
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| Deadbeats!
Posted: 10/16/2005 8:51:00 AM | I agree, made my choices, maybe not the best ones, but I own them....
I wouldnt trade my son for the world, but if I could freeze him in time for 5 yrs, and pick him up exactly as he is now... I WOULD! lol
Although I might engineer the whining out of him if possible, so maybe not EXACTLY how he is now! | |
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Posted: 10/16/2005 9:28:45 AM | Well the deadbeat thing goes both ways. It isn't just men who are deadbeats and/or missing. Plenty of women fit the bill all too well.
As someone else said ...take responsibility for your actions. It takes two people to bring a child into this world and so both should shoulder their portion of the responsibility of raising the child/ren.
Don't like that? Don't have sex. Period. Otherwise you are taking a chance. Nothing is 100% other than abstinence. For many women abortion isn't an option they are willing to consider nor do I think is it one that should be forced on them.
As they say "You pay to play." | |
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| Deadbeats!
Posted: 10/16/2005 10:46:22 AM | | hi All! My daughter's father and i were together for 5 years! he wanted a child, after alot of thinking i agreed, threwout my whole pregnancy, he was in and out of my life, once she came he stuck around for the first 6 weeks, after that he went back to live with his father, he never had a mother so he thinks as long as she has me she doesn't need him, i BEG him to be apart of her life, numerious times, he always has something more important to do like high school football games and petty things like that! He tells everyone that i won't let him see her and now he is even saying he is doughtin that she is his! he has her name tattooed on his arm! he is definatly a dead beat, I give much Kudo's to you single fathers out there! in alot of situations its just as easy for a GIRL to run and leave the MAN with the responsibility! i don't understand how ANY parent can walk away from their children my daughter is my life i spend every second of the day with her! Those deadbeat mom and dads out there are missing out on so much! but the way i see it is its their loss! i'm lucky! my daughter has male figures in her life ie: MY father, my brother, my step father, uncles, ect. she has a family full of loving people and i know she will be just fine without him! i still have a hard time with knowing she isn't going to have her birth father i mean he drops in once in a while and i can 't stand that! its not heathy for her! but i can't bring myself to tell him its all or nothing b/c if he decides nothing which i'm sure he will i already feel at falt for my daughter not having her father! but thats something i'm working on! OP! she just woke up from her nap! so Thanks for taking the time to read my imput everyone! I give you all much Kudo's for being parents i know how hard it is!!! We all deserve MORE then an award!!!! | |
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| Deadbeats!
Posted: 10/16/2005 12:39:24 PM | [QUOTE]1) When the man leaves the woman, and she is not happy about it, she makes coming to see their child a living hell with all kinds of drama and demands and questions that are none of her business[/QUOTE]
^ this was true at first for me, but I was pisssed off that he started hitting me and cheating on me AFTER I was pregnant......we never fought before the fact, we faced our problems rationally...
[QUOTE]2) A woman can say anything she wants about a man, true or untrue, and everyone believes her just because she is the mother[/QUOTE]
I could have gone to the judge and gone off about how much coke he did AFTER I got pregnant and how abusive he was, however I kept that from her and just told her the truth (about the dates of him seeing my son) and that was enough for her to grant me sole custody and him supervised visitation...he blames me for this, I didn't ask for anythign but Sole custody and support...
[QUOTE]3) If these guys are such deadbeats, than the mother is an equally at fault for having a child with a deadbeat. People don't change - if he is a deadbeat now, he was a deadbeat when you spread your legs for him[/QUOTE]
My sons dad wanted a baby sooo bad, I agree, I'm equally at fault for getting pregnant but I've asked him time and time again and given in to requests after request and EVERY time I do he wants something else before he'll come around...its a rather pathetic attempt at avoiding his child IMO
[QUOTE]4) The woman is given more choices and options than a man. If a gal gets pregnant and does not want to be a parent, she can choose to have an abortion. The guy has no say in the matter at all. But, if the guy gets someone pregnant and absolutely does not want to be a parent, he is not allowed to choose to end his parental rights and is stuck with the woman's decision.[/QUOTE]
True in a lot of cases, for me, not so much.....we started fighting when I was about 2.5 months pregnant and I told him that if it wasn't gonna work and/or if he wasn't gonna be around to tell me and I'd get an abortion..well......he BEGGED me not too, even going as far as asking me to keep the baby and let him raise it....I wanted my son more then anything, I just wasn't about to be selfish and not give him everything he deserved and more (which includes two parents)....Now that I have my son, I know that as long as he has the family he does, he doesn't need his dad. My best friend had a baby girl this past year and she gave the dad the option to stick around or not, and since she chose to have her daughter without the dads opinion being a factor she does NOT expect anything from him what so ever.... | |
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| Deadbeats!
Posted: 10/16/2005 12:39:30 PM | 1) When the man leaves the woman, and she is not happy about it, she makes coming to see their child a living hell with all kinds of drama and demands and questions that are none of her business
^ this was true at first for me, but I was pisssed off that he started hitting me and cheating on me AFTER I was pregnant......we never fought before the fact, we faced our problems rationally...
2) A woman can say anything she wants about a man, true or untrue, and everyone believes her just because she is the mother
^I could have gone to the judge and gone off about how much coke he did AFTER I got pregnant and how abusive he was, however I kept that from her and just told her the truth (about the dates of him seeing my son) and that was enough for her to grant me sole custody and him supervised visitation...he blames me for this, I didn't ask for anythign but Sole custody and support...
3) If these guys are such deadbeats, than the mother is an equally at fault for having a child with a deadbeat. People don't change - if he is a deadbeat now, he was a deadbeat when you spread your legs for him
^My sons dad wanted a baby sooo bad, I agree, I'm equally at fault for getting pregnant but I've asked him time and time again and given in to requests after request and EVERY time I do he wants something else before he'll come around...its a rather pathetic attempt at avoiding his child IMO
4) The woman is given more choices and options than a man. If a gal gets pregnant and does not want to be a parent, she can choose to have an abortion. The guy has no say in the matter at all. But, if the guy gets someone pregnant and absolutely does not want to be a parent, he is not allowed to choose to end his parental rights and is stuck with the woman's decision
^True in a lot of cases, for me, not so much.....we started fighting when I was about 2.5 months pregnant and I told him that if it wasn't gonna work and/or if he wasn't gonna be around to tell me and I'd get an abortion..well......he BEGGED me not too, even going as far as asking me to keep the baby and let him raise it....I wanted my son more then anything, I just wasn't about to be selfish and not give him everything he deserved and more (which includes two parents)....Now that I have my son, I know that as long as he has the family he does, he doesn't need his dad. My best friend had a baby girl this past year and she gave the dad the option to stick around or not, and since she chose to have her daughter without the dads opinion being a factor she does NOT expect anything from him what so ever.... | |
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| Deadbeats!
Posted: 10/16/2005 2:52:45 PM | This is a deplorable thing to have done:
.....we started fighting when I was about 2.5 months pregnant and I told him that if it wasn't gonna work and/or if he wasn't gonna be around to tell me and I'd get an abortion..well......he BEGGED me not too, even going as far as asking me to keep the baby and let him raise it....I wanted my son more then anything, I just wasn't about to be selfish and not give him everything he deserved and more (which includes two parents)....
Not only did you exhibit how the father really has NO choice in the matter, you held that choice over his head in a manner that could be considered abusive (doling out ultimatums!) - he may be swine (anyone who uses drugs and is a parent, IMHO, is) but that is no excuse for you to wallow in it as well. But, hey, my two cents, right?
You see, my ex would constantly threaten me if I disagreed with her POV - any questioning or attempt to discuss her behaviour and how it was affecting our relationship (ie. showing up at 5am, 7am, 10am after having been out drinking when I had school that same morning, spending recklessly, etc) was either met with extreme passive aggresive behaviour OR ultimatums; either I was to not 'worry' about what she was doing or there would be no family; in retrospect, this was representative of the simple fact that there existed absolutely no healthy foundation of a relationship between us and was itself an insurmountable obstacle blocking the creation of such.
I'm sure plenty of guys (and gals) 'deserve' to be treated poorly - but do you really want to play their game? | |
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| Deadbeats!
Posted: 10/16/2005 3:27:43 PM | | the word deadbeat is said and women come running to speak of the horrible fathers that don't pay for them and there child. But when you went before the courts asking for sole custody do you not feel you should be responsible for this child in all aspects(meaning no child support or mother allowence)? | |
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| Deadbeats!
Posted: 10/16/2005 3:45:56 PM | | I would have absolutely no qualms with child support if there was some guarantee that money that is given was being spent for my son - I'd rather roll $$$ into an RESP than have it go into the till at a liquor store or some upscale clothes outlet, if you know what I'm saying? | |
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| Deadbeats!
Posted: 10/16/2005 4:21:48 PM | | Dont get me started on deadbeats!!! My sons father is what i call a dead beat. After being with him years. ended up pregnant and what does he do..leave. My son is now 3 and has yet to meet his father.. | |
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