riffy
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Joined: 8/13/2005
Msg: 1 | |
| When is a past relationship finally gone?
Posted: 10/16/2005 1:23:24 PM | I don't think I have been this honest on these forums yet, but here goes...
I was in what I thought was a wonderful relationship for a very long time. I gave everything of myself and I was always loving, kind, supportive and true. We had two beautiful children together. The last two years we were together was a challenging exercise in patience for me. She is bi-polar and she always told me that I was the only person in her life who understood her and never wronged her. In my heart, I 'knew' that if I was patient and understanding, she would come around.
The two of us sat at our kitchen table one day and she told me that she wasn't sure if she wanted to be with me anymore. Again, I was patient and understanding and I gave her the 'space' to reflect. Two weeks later, she ended it. I stayed there another two months until I found an apartment for myself and moved out.
At first, it was very painful. It was a combination of losing my life with her and losing my life with my children. Over time, I was able to focus only on my children and much of the pain went away. My relationship with my kids is amazing, but I am missing the day to day things. Not physically being there is tearing me up.
This morning a song called ‘My Immortal’ by Evanescence came on the radio. For some reason, this song triggered something in me and I broke down uncontrollably for almost an hour. My relationship ended more than six months ago.
Sorry for putting this out on everyone, but over the past couple months I have grown to respect what a lot of you have to say. Someone give me an answer, how long is this going to take? | |
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| When is a past relationship finally gone?
Posted: 10/16/2005 1:32:05 PM | That varies person by person hon.
I'm sorry you're hurting but it does demonstrate the level of committment you have and that's a good thing. | |
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| When is a past relationship finally gone?
Posted: 10/16/2005 1:32:29 PM | | I don't think you can put a time limit on something that was/is so important to you. In the past it has taken me years to fully get over something like that and I'm of the belief that it's not fair to date when there's so much baggage. It's ok to get out there and spend time with other people, but beginning a new relationship was out of the question for me. But there's people out there that hop right back on the horse and that might be right for them, but I think you'd be doing yourself a disservice. | |
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| When is a past relationship finally gone?
Posted: 10/16/2005 1:43:04 PM | What a hard question to answer. First off I am sorry to hear it. Second, when I heard My Immortal I had a very similar reaction, which I guess is what the song was written to do.
I only had one true love in my life and when we broke up I would guess it took a couple years before I stopped thinking about her as someone that I 'lost'. After that, I didn't think about her too often. Then, I ran into her at the store 3 months ago and all the old feelings came back. We talked for about an hour in Housewares and I couldn't tell you what either of us said. Soon as she said she was married I think my brain blew a battery. But, this time, the feelings went away after a couple days (thank god).
So, I hope your feelings subside quicker than mine. I will say that I still hold this girl as the benchmark by which I measure others. Could explain why I am still single!! Good luck to you. | |
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| When is a past relationship finally gone?
Posted: 10/16/2005 1:44:37 PM | | It's over when you don't find yourself thinking about it all too often, based on my experience. It's going to take some time since you've been so close to her. Brazenbabe is right. There's no time limit for something like this. I can guarantee you it's going to take at LEAST 4 months. Any later than that, then I'm not sure. | |
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| When is a past relationship finally gone?
Posted: 10/16/2005 1:54:09 PM | | Sorry some people can never be replaced. Her shoes wont never be filled,.....but as soon as you start getting out and doing more, and making it a point to have fun. It will start to hurt less, and less. It wont ever completely be gone, because you didn't make up your mind to go, she did it for you. There are people all around us, when we are hurting we need to open our eyes and see them. Have family get toghters with your kids. Make them fun, and things will improve. Yes it is amatter of being able to pick your self up and just do it. If you don't it takes a lot longer. I guess its about how long do you want to tare your self up over it. You have to take the steps to get better about it, if not your going to hurt a long time. | |
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| When is a past relationship finally gone?
Posted: 10/16/2005 2:07:48 PM | I was thinking too that it's easier to get over someone when they aren't in your life. The fact you have children with this woman will impact how quickly you can get over her, if at all. I say that because with every relationship, we carry something from it. "Baggage is the hard earned insight that emotionally and intellectually engaged people accumulate as they go through life." I saw this quote somewhere and it stuck with me. When you care and put so much of yourself in a relationship, of course you're going to have a hard time getting over it. So I wish you luck, it's not going to be easy. But that's what's great about being around other people, we're here to help eachother.  | |
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riffy
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Joined: 8/13/2005
Msg: 8 | |
| When is a past relationship finally gone?
Posted: 10/16/2005 2:55:17 PM | Sincere thanks to each of you for the kinds words and encouraging thoughts.
I have no intentions of getting involved with someone right now. If you are like me, you believe that you should be able to give yourself completely to someone that you want to commit yourself to. You can't do that if you are still hanging onto a previous attachment.
Heh, I guess that I didn't really do myself any favours by being so publicly honest about this on a site designed to meet people, did I (kidding - I absolutely do not want to mislead anyone, ever)? Hopefully one day very soon, I will be able to let go of the past. I suppose that song will be a good test for myself. I will try again next month...
If anyone else is feeling this right now, know that you aren't alone.
And brazenbabe, I think you may have hit on something for me. I might be still having a difficult time after six months because the kids keep me tied to her. It just doesn't seem like that much time has passed because I haven't been afforded that kind of separation from her. How do you forget something that you are constantly reminded of? | |
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| When is a past relationship finally gone?
Posted: 10/16/2005 3:21:08 PM | hard to say how long...as others have said...it's different for each person. It's almost like the grief of a death and each person handles it differently.
Songs are definately what can suddenly transport you back to a memory so I tend to listen to new music rather than music that can trigger memories. Try making new memories and getting busy with life, if you can....if not today maybe tomorrow. | |
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| When is a past relationship finally gone?
Posted: 10/16/2005 3:26:42 PM | | I would say you need at least a year to heal and also to be able to reflect on the relationship. Counselling wouldn't hurt either, until you've reflected on the whole relationship and determined where your contributions were in ending the relationship, you will have a difficult time moving on. | |
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| When is a past relationship finally gone?
Posted: 10/16/2005 3:31:56 PM | It's a loss and sometimes a loss takes a long time to get over. Some days are better than others and there's no 'finish line'. There will probably always be things that make you feel wistful but it will get easier to handle.
Good luck to you. | |
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| When is a past relationship finally gone?
Posted: 10/16/2005 3:39:20 PM |
And brazenbabe, I think you may have hit on something for me. I might be still having a difficult time after six months because the kids keep me tied to her. It just doesn't seem like that much time has passed because I haven't been afforded that kind of separation from her. How do you forget something that you are constantly reminded of?
I don't think you can, but it becomes less poignant with time. When I look at my children, I see glimpses of their father but he's but a distant memory. Trust me, in time you'll be fine. It's not something you can rush, I've been in 3 serious relationships in my life and after each one I took a period of 2-3 years to reflect, to heal and to learn to love again. But for me, I'm not able to have any type of relationship after I've broken up with someone I've truly loved, it just hurts too much and I like to avoid the daily reminder of that as much as possible. | |
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| When is a past relationship finally gone?
Posted: 10/16/2005 3:52:57 PM | brazenbabe is right...your kids will tie you to your ex permanently..
But with time..which varies for everyone...and self-reflection...it will get less painful over time.
Bets of luck to you...you seems like an honest,decent person. | |
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riffy
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Joined: 8/13/2005
Msg: 14 | |
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| When is a past relationship finally gone?
Posted: 10/16/2005 4:05:18 PM | kw...your welcome(even if you're not nice. )
Been there myself..and the road can be very long and rocky.
It's like grieving a death...disbelief,denial,anger etc...until you finally get to acceptance.
Hopefully ,your ex and yourself are still amicable with one another.It makes it easier for the kids not to be in the middle of a warzone..and that should be the priority for both of you. | |
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| When is a past relationship finally gone?
Posted: 10/16/2005 4:20:34 PM | my heart goes out to you kw...as everyone has said, time will heal, but how much time is anyone's guess. takes longer for some, not so long for others...leafs is right. it's definitely a grieving process. some say it's worse than losing a loved one to death. when one dies, we know they are gone forever and that death is a natural part of life. in a breakup though the person is obviously still very much alive and we are reminded that we lost them everytime we see them. this makes the grieving process even more difficult, but it will get better. every day, every little baby step makes things easier.
my immortal had the same effect on me after a difficult break up too. many tears, and many Coronas, were spilt over that song. that was a year and a half ago. i played just now after reading your post and though it's still haunting, my eyes are dry. that's a good feeling. one day it will be the same for you. | |
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| When is a past relationship finally gone?
Posted: 10/16/2005 4:27:53 PM | | kwsingle, I would have to say that each relationship is different. I was married to a lady for most of my life and when it was over, I rarely thought about her and rarely even missed anything about her (other than the good sex) and her cooking LOL. And then I was with another lady but not married and when it was over I thought about her most of the time. Oddly she wasn't even half as cute as the lady I was married to, but I felt like we had shared an emotional bond and we both knew each other so well. She rarely cooked and she she didn't cook as well as my ex wife. It was weird. I will say this........If you can get a girlfriend quickly and fill up your spare time with her and making her happy then you won't have so much time on your hands to think about the past. There are so many wonderful women out there and most of them can make a man happy if he makes an effort to make her happy. My suggestion: Don't look back, you might turn to stone LOL, Seriously, it only hurts to think about someone in the past unless you can look back in your mind and just smile when you think about some fun that you had. If you look back and cry or are sad..........dude, look around there are "Plentyoffish" LOL........Just trying to bring a smile to your eyes. Tracy (buccaneer38) | |
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| When is a past relationship finally gone?
Posted: 10/16/2005 5:16:48 PM | Eadh relationship is uniqque. So is the time. It is over from the minute you both cease to exist as one.!!!!!!!!!! Your pain is a reminder. I am sorry you are hurting
Just takes time///
Emaail if I can help
Trish | |
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| When is a past relationship finally gone?
Posted: 10/16/2005 5:28:35 PM | | once you're not in the same level, train of thought, frequency anymore, let her go and pat yourself. you did your best, man...nobody can blame you for that. | |
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jimb77
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Joined: 8/30/2005
Msg: 22 | |
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| When is a past relationship finally gone?
Posted: 10/16/2005 6:24:54 PM | ^^^That comment was ignorant and untrue. My best friend is bi-polar and he's a great guy and far from nuts. His mind has a glitch that he is as much a victim of as anyone on the receiving end of his troublesome mental characteristics.
It is usually said that a reasonable time frame to "get over" the obstacle of stuck emotions re: a failed relationship is around a year. I don't know where that comes from but I have heard of it many times. I suspect it's a time frame that an otherwise emotionally healthy individual might take to figure out what happened and why and what to avoid in the future.
This too shall pass. Don't "should" on yourself. It'll heal when it's healed. | |
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ksue44
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Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 24 | |
| When is a past relationship finally gone?
Posted: 10/16/2005 6:54:42 PM | KW - I'm sorry for your hurt and pain. There isn't a way that someone can honestly say it will take "x" amount of time to get over your hurt, fear, sorrow, anger, etc. What I can tell you, is your head will heal before your heart will. You may experience this sense of "oh good, I can move on", but until your heart is fully healed, any relationship you enter in, will not be the most ideal. It really is okay to cry, because right now those are sad tears. The worst thing you can do is to deny your emotions.
I admire your honesty for saying you don't want to get involved in another relationship! Kuddos to you, because you are being honest with others, but most importantly with yourself. In essence, you aren'g going to give out any more than you can at this point. By all means keep an open mind about forming friendships with women, it doesn't mean you have to take a trip down Romance Alley with her. It will be baby steps to heal, but I'm more than confident you will get there. Then, the tears you shed will be happy tears because you will meet someone who is worthy of you and vice versa. | |
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guyd40
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Joined: 10/5/2005
Msg: 25 | |
| When is a past relationship finally gone?
Posted: 10/16/2005 7:08:04 PM | | I'm very sorry to hear this. I know the feeling since I've been there. I loved that woman more than anything and would have gave my life for her. It took me over a year. Yet, still I had momments. It depends from people I guess. My mon was widowed at 38 and is still not over it. She's 63. You guess is just as good as mine. All I know, is that in time, it will get easier. Untill then, starting over is a mistake, but that's just me. | |
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