| am i capable of being loved???
Posted: 10/16/2005 3:26:17 PM | | ok so here is my situation. i got pregnant at 16 by a guy who never wanted a kid. he was 22 at the time. he was imprisioned six days before i had her, and has still not been out. then at 18 i got married and had another kid. my husband was abusive. we split up after a year and a half of marriage. six months later we got back together, and i had my third child who is now two. shortly befor my sons first birthday my husband returned to his abusive ways, and tried to kill me. we haven't been together since. so then i met this guy in the army. i fell so madly in love with him. he has helped me regain confidence in myself so much, and i have showed him how much i have appreciated him every chance i got. but then i got pregnant again. (did i mention i have a birth control problom, they keep switching it. i keep getting pregnant) when we found out i was pregnant he begged me to have an abortion.then he was released from the army, and move in with me. morally having an abortion is just something that i can't do. he promised that no matter what he was going to stay with me. that even if i didn't have an abortion he would always love me. so five months into this pregnancy he left. i haven't seen him since aug 16th. now i am seven months pregnant and he has decided that he two can't/ won't be around. he says he loves me, and always will. but he just can't be second in my life, and he knows my kids come first. he also says that he only wants to be apart of our kids life if i give him full custody. why is he doing this to me? this is his first child. is he just scared? does he really mean it? should i even care, or just except that he is gone? | |
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| am i capable of being loved???
Posted: 10/16/2005 4:01:07 PM | I think you need to spend some time alone trying to figure out why you have such codependent relationships with men. You have had children, it sounds like, with every man you have been with. Often, this is done to try to forcibly create a 'family', but it rarely works.
Your post sounds to be written out of desperation for companionship, not neccessarily him. And I believe until you learn to live your life alone, no man is ever going to give you what you need. | |
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| am i capable of being loved???
Posted: 10/16/2005 4:17:21 PM | I don't think ekkobeach told you what you wanted to hear....
But I believe she told you what you needed to hear !
DragonRider | |
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| am i capable of being loved???
Posted: 10/16/2005 4:18:43 PM | | I don't believe, Dragon, that she asked to be told what she "wanted to hear", she asked for an opinion. I had one; you didn't. | |
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| am i capable of being loved???
Posted: 10/16/2005 4:30:56 PM | Actually she had asked a question that you didn't answer.
But I would've given the same assessment. Worded a little bit differently, but basically the same.
But why should I pile on.
When a person is hurting, you don't continue to pour salt into the wound.
You're right, she needs time alone.
Just backing up what you said.
Won't make the mistake again.
DragonRider | |
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| am i capable of being loved???
Posted: 10/16/2005 5:18:38 PM | I was taught something as a teenager ((with just a "few" years of counseling))... You gotta love yourself before someone else can love you... take time for "you">>>>>>> | |
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| am i capable of being loved???
Posted: 10/16/2005 6:32:41 PM | Looking for love,
I think we are in similar boats. Except, I made sure the second time around that I wouldn't get pregnant again. I think that you are digging yourself deepper and deepper everytime you have a child. Think about your babies you wouldn't want them to see all the cr*p those men but you through, it harms them as well.
You should definetly work on the birth control. unfortunely, birth control is mostly the women 's responsibility...Why?? They have a choice to remove themselves or to stay involved in their babies life.. we don't have that choice! They get to remove themselves from the situation and start over again & again until they get it just right. On the other hand for us it becaomes more & more difficult after every relationship. Not just because of the babies but -age, body changes, emotional state, etc. You should consider getting your tubes tied; you definetly meet the califications.
Are you worth loving?? you better believe it! The question should be- "Do you love yourself??"
No one could love you more than that.... After you find the answer to that question no one
could ever make you doubt yourself. If you need a little encouraging you can contact me.
Sometimes we want to be love so badly we settle because the clock of life is ticking.
Take it from a person that was heading down that very same road and made a full stop.
Do not have anymore babies. Keep doing your mommy responsibilites and start taking a little bit of time between the mist of it all and take care of your emotional state...
Plus think about it-everytime you have a baby, you set yourself back a couple of years from
mommy retirement.  | |
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| am i capable of being loved???
Posted: 10/16/2005 7:47:52 PM |
You should definetly work on the birth control. unfortunely, birth control is mostly the women 's responsibility...Why?? They have a choice to remove themselves or to stay involved in their babies life.. we don't have that choice! They get to remove themselves from the situation and start over again & again until they get it just right. On the other hand for us it becaomes more & more difficult after every relationship. Not just because of the babies but -age, body changes, emotional state, etc. You should consider getting your tubes tied; you definetly meet the califications. [/qualifications]
This hogwash again? Open up your eyes and look around. There are getting to be as many single custodial dads as there are moms.
Grief. Each time I turn around some woman is bashing about how bad all men are instead of looking around. "Some" guys make the choices to disappear and not be involved in their childrens life just like "Some" women do. The only additional choice woman have is whether or not to have the child and that choice doesn't have to coincide with the cxhoice of the father one way or the other. Get off your high horse. There are plenty of custodial single parents around both male and female.
To the OP:
Step back and take some time for yourself and your childrens sakes and mentally review each of your relationships looking for commonalities. They will give you a hint as to what is going wrong.
Personally I believe that each person is worthy of love. I just don't have to be the one to give that love to them. We each make our own choices and have to live with the results of them.
Be Well and Make it a Great Day! Hug Your Kids! | |
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| am i capable of being loved???
Posted: 10/16/2005 8:15:28 PM | Oh sweetie, I feel for you. I made the same mistakes, but started intense counseling and a process of healing after the first.
Your past is your past, and there are plenty of stand-up guys who will accept you and your children.
However, as everyone has said, now is not the time. Get into counseling. Youre not a bad person, and I know it sounds cheesey. However, I realized through counseling that there are very genuine reasons why we pick the people we do and make the choices we do.
You will get through this, but please... swear off men for a while and make this time to create a better you. For yourself, and your children. When you are ready the right man will come along. With enough analyzing, you will know him when you see him. Feel free to email me if you need someone to talk to. I'm happy to listen to you vent, I can only imagine the stress you must be feeling.  | |
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| am i capable of being loved???
Posted: 10/16/2005 10:59:52 PM | I have to agree with the others, getting involved with someone now would probably net the same results. As to why he may have done this, read through the endless threads asking the same question, there a so many bad reasons, just choose one that works for you and move on. I hope with your problems with birth control you use all means available such as a condom, and a diaphram even when on the pill and really learn to pay attention to your cycle as best you can and abstain during peak fertility. There is nothing that's 100% but you can have a back up for your back ups back up.
Everyone is capable of being loved, you must know that from how your kids look at you every day. That is love. Another person can never complete you that is a fallicy. They can at best complement the person you are and be there to witness what you choose to become. Please, please think about the counseling, sometimes just the understanding of why you open the same door time after time can be of incalculable assistance. Above all remember there are three other people whose future is irrevocably tied to yours, they call you mommy. If you ever feel your sense of worth slipping simply look at how they look at you. Thats three people that think your a hundred feet tall, that you are their whole entire world, and know for a fact you can hug away any fear or pain they can ever have. Funny thing is they are more than likely right. | |
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| am i capable of being loved???
Posted: 10/17/2005 11:17:40 AM | | hey I know how u feel, not completely, but I get it. I got pregnant at 16 as well with a guy who I had known 4 2 weeks, we tried 2 stay 2-gether but after a year and a half of being mentally and emotionally abused I had enough. I'm 18 and my son is 1, I haven't even been asked out on a date by another man yet, but I don't thinkk that there is an excuse 4 not being protected. I started the needle right after my son was born and we were 2-gether 4 almost the first year of his life and didn't use protection (he's allergic 2 rubber/latex) and I have yet 2 get pregnant again. I am definetly planning on waiting til I am in love, treated right by a man and married 2 consider having anymore children. U have 2 be careful, u just can't open up and let anyone in or u're gunna get hurt. take some time 2 figure out what u want in life and don't settle til u get it. just because u're lonely or whatever the case may be don't settle 4 someone who isn't what u want, search tilu find what it is u're looking 4 not what they're looking 4. be careful and u'll find someone who will love u 4 u and ur children (cuz if they can't love ur children then they can't love u) | |
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| am i capable of being loved???
Posted: 10/17/2005 1:15:16 PM | | thanxs guys, but to answer the birth control question i have tried more then just the pill. i even had an iud untill it made me sick. but i have already signed the papers to get my tubes tied. that was something i decided before i found out i was pregnant this time | |
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| am i capable of being loved???
Posted: 10/17/2005 1:36:23 PM | Looking for love- that's a round of applause for you. Now concentrate on the your emotional state.
Mr. Shadowknight I wasn't putting down the guys. Just stating a true fact. Men for the most part have a choice. It's harder for the mothers to walk again.
But lets not get into a screaming match over our differences.
A second hand of applause for all of those men that make the right choice, including Mr. Shadowknight. | |
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| am i capable of being loved???
Posted: 10/17/2005 1:47:07 PM | Looking, my heart goes out to you. I haven't always made the best decisions with men, but being alone for over a year and getting to know myself has done me a whole WORLD of good.
I agree that you need to be by yourself for a while, and figure out why you are picking these toxic relationships. There must have been clues in all of them that it was going to be bad before you got preggo. Why were you choosing to ignore it?
You are very capable of being loved. Right now, you should concentrate on being loved by your children. That's the most joyous, and purest love you will ever experience.
Forget the men for a while, and fall in love with your kids. The time with them will go by fast.
If you need anything feel free to contact me at any time, and use your time alone to figure out what you really want, and what you need for your children.
And don't forget to LOVE YOUR BABIES! | |
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| am i capable of being loved???
Posted: 10/17/2005 8:39:58 PM |
And don't forget to LOVE YOUR BABIES!
Above all don't forget to love the kids. Too many people I think forget that part. No ones situation is their childrens fault. We brought them into the world and it is our duty to raise them to be happy, healthy, well adjusted children to the absolute best of our ability no matter what.
The way I see it, as long as we love our children the rest will take care of itself. | |
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| am i capable of being loved???
Posted: 10/18/2005 6:19:11 PM | | he got ahold of me on the internet today. he wanted to know if i was mad at him. i told him no. i told him that i asked him to make a decision and he did, and now i hope he can live with it. he asked me to call him, and again i said no. i told him if he wanted to talk he needed to call me, that i am not going to chase something that isn't there. yet i find myself waiting by the phone, just to see if he will call. and i am mad at him. i just still don't see why he did this. how can he keep telling me that he can't be second in someone's life? he knows my kids will always come before him and the fact that he would even imply the idea for me to chose him over my children makes me question what type of person he is. | |
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| am i capable of being loved???
Posted: 10/18/2005 6:29:57 PM | He is a selfish little boy and will make you miserable until you genuinely close the door (emotionally) on him. Always allow him complete and total access to your child so long as you feel the child will be safe. Otherwise, he is out of your life.
It is so hard to do, but it can be done. When my ex and I split he would call to "talk about our son" and the conversation was never about our son. I made a rule that as soon as the conversation slighted from our son then I would hang up/walk away. I was the b*tch for a while, but in the end its worked well. We have mutual respect and understand the boundaries of our relationship. We think before we speak and only discuss matters of our son, which is really all we need to discuss. Now that a few years have passed we can deviate a little bit, such as asking about family or whatever. But in the end we respect our boundaries. Its not about being cold, its about understanding where you have input and where you dont.
Next time he calls try this with him. He wants to have his cake and eat it to. If this man can walk away from his child- he is NOT someone you should be with. That doesnt preclude him from being a father if he so chooses, but NEVER and I mean NEVER allow him to be a part of your life EVER. If you truly want to change the direction of your life, you will have to walk away from this man, no matter how difficult it is right now.
Trust me on this one. | |
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| am i capable of being loved???
Posted: 10/18/2005 6:52:11 PM | It is so hard to do, but it can be done. When my ex and I split he would call to "talk about our son" and the conversation was never about our son. I made a rule that as soon as the conversation slighted from our son then I would hang up/walk away.
melissanicole.....i come across your posts from time to time and i have to say that you are so filled with wisdom and empathy. i have gotten help and insight from you. i've noticed that once in a while someone floats by with posts that are negative and saying that people complain in these forums too much, but others are looking for support and because of people like you with your advice and ideas, help can truley be had. for real.
just had to say that, so thanks to all the supportive posters out there  | |
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| am i capable of being loved???
Posted: 10/18/2005 7:08:17 PM | Thank you Morphin, I learn from the best, and my jars and jars of bad decisions lol.
This is about support, and I try to keep it there. I'm glad that some of my postings have been helpful. I know many people in this forum have helped me, Ive needed input on several occassions and POF single parents have been right there. It seems like the "good" people get sick of fighting the few bad apples we get from time to time and they duck out. I hope you'll stick around, from what you have posted you seem like a great asset to this forum 
OT: YOU DESERVE BETTER! I care, because I have been there. It was after my first child, but just as difficult... you can get through this and come out on top. So many women, some in this forum have dealt with similar triumphs and they are wondeful moms and wonderful people who learned from their "mistakes" (bad choices, not kids) and went on to do great things. The fact that you recognize there is a problem is the first step, as cliche as that sounds. what I mean is- you are self aware and learning to be honest with yourself. Thats soo hard to do, but it means you are going in the right direction : ) | |
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| am i capable of being loved???
Posted: 10/18/2005 8:06:57 PM | Keep yourself busy...
Do things with the children. Do things with your friends and family members.
It's good for the babies and you.
Don't sit by the phone waiting and you will see how fast time passes you by. | |
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| am i capable of being loved???
Posted: 10/19/2005 5:40:29 PM | Ok, I see everyone here talking about her being codependent, without actually labeling it as such. Sure, it's wise for her to stay out of relationships, and to become self-reliant. But no one's mentioned what's caused the codependency.
I'm sure if we asked her about the relationship she had with her father, she would tell us he left when she was very young, or was an alcoholic/drug abuser who never showed her the affection she needed. I tend to believe it was both.
She needs counseling. Lots of it. She also needs a ton of support raising those children. I suggest... Gawd, I'm not sure what to suggest. Maybe education. Taking some courses on Child Development, etc.
I would forget about working for now, get state-assistance and start taking some on-line courses to learn a trade while allowing ya to tend to your little ones. That seems to be the most responsible thing you could do at this point in your life. Edit: Oh, and stay away from men. | |
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| am i capable of being loved???
Posted: 10/19/2005 6:15:31 PM | | I fully agree with everything you had to say. RIght now things are so emotional, and the future seems like a blur. But yes, for longterm goals I think you made some wise choices. | |
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| am i capable of being loved???
Posted: 10/19/2005 10:42:10 PM | | I'm in a simular situation with my ex, well I was, I just recently saw my way clear and I've gotten over him ever being in MY life, but I was right where you are just a few short months ago, I kept my cell phone with me all the time "just in case" it never rang because he'd found another enabler. The pain your going through is tough for alot of people to understand, you don't want to be with him but you don't want to be without him either...you can't understand why this keeps happening to you, you can't figure out what is wrong with YOU, Honey, it's not you, the only thing you can be blamed for is making some poor choices in men. There are men out there who will be good to you but you have to be patient, and alot of people may not agree with me or think that I should say this but i feel that I must. God is always there for you, when you can't find a man to stand by you and support you and you feel like you never will, God is still there, he is the ONE man you can ALWAYS count on. Even the best guy in the world will have his faults but not God. Yes you are capable of being loved, you just need to love yourself and let God bring you the man your meant to be with. And never loose focus of what is MOST important, your kids. Put them first, before your love life and before any men. The fact that this guy dosn't want to come in second says to me that this baby isn't all that important to him. A true daddy would expect his baby to come first and he'd be willing to put the baby before you too. Okay there is my spill if you ever need someone to talk to there are lost of people willing to hear you out, and I'm one of them too! Hang in there, it does get better | |
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