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Garf
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Joined: 4/4/2005
Msg: 2 | |
| Suggestions to avoid players/con artists
Posted: 10/18/2005 3:35:40 PM | People who want to meet immediately.
People who want to exchange phone numbers immediately.
People who want anything immediately, actually...
Those are some safe bets. | |
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| Suggestions to avoid players/con artists
Posted: 10/18/2005 3:37:55 PM | | I suggest you look at the other side of the coin. How do you find the "real guy's", "honest guys". Chat with them, find out if they can carry on a conversation about something other than about themselves or how good they are in bed. | |
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| Suggestions to avoid players/con artists
Posted: 10/18/2005 3:56:11 PM | It looks like you got one good reply sweet. Coming from a guy. I imagine if a guy and you hit it off and things dont turn out well, that can be construed as being played. I would ask myself this question. Does this person seem too good to be true but only a liar..lol If he wants to know all of your business too fast without getting to know whats inside, hes probably a guy that hops from one to the next. If he only seems to be intersted in sexual conversation might be a clue. that is really a tough question because its how you feel in the end on whether you feel like you've been played or not. Good luck. i hope you don't run into any of those types. | |
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| Suggestions to avoid players/con artists
Posted: 10/18/2005 4:06:50 PM | | To avoid "players" and people that pretend to be someone they are not, look for the signs of this individual giving out too much information, and telling you all the things that they own and are going to buy! Keep focoused on what "you" are here for and not what this person owns or how much money they "say they have"...Also, sometimes the pics that they send are not actually them! (been there) | |
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| Suggestions to avoid players/con artists
Posted: 10/18/2005 5:28:05 PM | I just ask questions over and over. Those that have tend to not advertise it and I find those that do ............... well I am not impressed.
I think it just comes down to developing some common ground and moving from there at your own pace. If you feel pushed tell someone to back off. If they are genuine they will understand your feelings and if they don't ................well ........... do what is right for you.
I believe it takes time to know someone and I don't tend to discuss my sexual experiences or nature until I think it is right. But each has to do what they feel right, trust your gut instinct.  | |
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| Suggestions to avoid players/con artists
Posted: 10/18/2005 6:56:28 PM | Con artists will act as if they want to know everything about you as a seeming profound interest but what they are actually seeking is your weak points and they also want to learn what it is you want to hear.
They will often say things like "what are you thinking" or "tell me all about you" without asking the questions, this way they know what you are very open and/or vulnerable with in your sharing.
They prefer that you trust them right off and are insulted if you don't. Often times the con will leave you at this point because your skeptical approach means they may not succeed and they'd rather not waste their time. They expect your trust and will shame you when you don't give it freely, without even having to earn it.
Con artists will encourage politeness as a wonderful trait and they usually look for an "obedient" type of women who won't ask any questions. They will literally make you feel ashamed if you are even a bit skeptical, and put you down with expressions like "you are bitter" or "why are you doing this to me?" to make you feel badly for questioning their motives at all, so you give him/her a chance and whammo, they're in. It was all based on your guilt and how wrong they have made you out to be.
Con artists absolutely LOVE people with low self esteem. They are a sure shoe-in with anyone who struggles with self-doubt, especially around love.
Of course, keep in mind that there has to be something the con/player actually wants from you that badly. Don't share financial information until the relationship has developed some longevity.
Con artists view people as toys, possessions, entertainment. They care little about what anyone is feeling or needing. It is all about them and the only time they will be extremely charming is when they want or need something from you. Otherwise, they are cold and dettached.
Most seem very confident as they are prone to grandiose boasting. If he/she has no humility, it's likely they are a con/player. They have no vulnerabilities as they worry that they will be used against them as they do this to others all of the time. Good luck finding their weakness. They will act the part if they have to, but it's only acting.
Con artists are exquisitely charming...they are smooth and know what they are doing. Some will play coy if they believe that works for you in the approach but it won't last too long.
Con artists are known for mocking others and making fun of those in pain...they justify this with some idea that is viable so their sarcasm is often seen as innocent but it is a sign of how little they feel for or think of others.
Once they have you in your relationship...they will begin to isolate you from anyone who might give you a reality check on their behaviours. Family and friends will be shunned and they will convince you of how terrible, meddling or intrusive they are to you. If they notice you are beginning to feel suspicious, they will often double up affection to keep you near them, often saying things like "Oh I just want you all to myself tonight, I miss you so much." and other tactics in order to avoid you visiting or talking with others.
There are other signs but I hope this helps as a beginning point. | |
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| Suggestions to avoid players/con artists
Posted: 10/18/2005 7:10:02 PM | | blast: You either looked that up or you know something from experience, maybe physcology, very well said. almost as you would profile a killer..LOL are you in law enforcement? | |
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| Suggestions to avoid players/con artists
Posted: 10/18/2005 7:25:42 PM | Wow "blastkist" that was amazing! I now understand, better, a relationship that I was in
and what was happening to me.
Major wake up call!!!!
Thank you | |
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| Suggestions to avoid players/con artists
Posted: 10/18/2005 7:46:59 PM | I was raised by a con...one of the best and I have also been in two long terms with hard core cons...so yes I have personal experience but I also do know more theoretical /psychological aspect through my studies and yes I have also done research on it as I was so affected by them.
I had very low self esteem for a long time and I was an "obedient" due to the aggressive/abusive parent...so I was prime target for them. Thank God a cult never got hold of me then.
Not anymore...! I can see them coming for a mile now. They do love a challenge...be careful! And always trust your gut, better to be mistaken than to be regretting.
My blurb was a compilation of some of the most prominent traits, at least those you might see in the dating realm with cons.
Players and cons are not quite the same animals. I hate to admit it, but players do'nt do that much damage...cons take prisoners.
They see you as born to make their life easier and they will get very violent/aggressive/crazy if you call them by their true number. They cannot stand to be exposed...ALWAYS make sure you are in a safe setting if you are going to confront the con. They won't like it one bit and they will stop at nothing to make you doubt your truth!
There are many here, silently lurking in the forums listening very carefully for that one "woman/man" who has what they need and getting the information they need too LOL...scary huh? Thankfully most are harmless other than taking you for a good loop and wasting precious time...they don't have much patience so taking YOUR time is a valuable weapon against them. | |
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giopa
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Joined: 10/15/2005
Msg: 12 | |
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| Suggestions to avoid players/con artists
Posted: 10/18/2005 8:31:31 PM | | Usually if it sounds too good to be true...it IS too good to be true. Listen to that little voice inside you which questions the stuff he tells you. It's usually right. | |
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| Suggestions to avoid players/con artists
Posted: 10/18/2005 8:53:39 PM | | I've had run ins with a couple of cons on this site, I guess. It's amazing how cold they get when you don't give them what they want. Well, actually, they both just "disappeared" when I said "no". I'm so glad I said "no" and so sad that people like that exist. I'm also really PO'd that they thought it was OK to try and con me, although my intellectual side says, "It's not personal", my heart still feels a little tweaked. | |
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| Suggestions to avoid players/con artists
Posted: 10/18/2005 9:00:09 PM | | oh yeah I have come in contact with a couple. They make dates and at the last minute have somehing pressing suddenly. You just delete and move on. | |
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| Suggestions to avoid players/con artists
Posted: 10/18/2005 9:45:14 PM | yes, their are pigs like that everywhere, doesnt matter where you meet them, grocery stores, bars or even church sometimes. Oh well , at least you can see it coming now and not have to waiste much time...How could I forget to mention online..lol | |
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| Suggestions to avoid players/con artists
Posted: 10/18/2005 10:52:20 PM | | wow Blast..thanks for the insight & lesson...sorry you had to learn the hard way...hopefully your post will save a lot of time/pain/money for others....I know I'm paying attention | |
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| Suggestions to avoid players/con artists
Posted: 10/18/2005 11:23:43 PM | | Players come on strong, act as if they are crazy about you from day one and work really hard at selling themselves to you. Just take time and listen CAREFULLY to what they say. They usually will mess up and you will catch them in a lie, see insecurity issues or anger issues. I once met a guiy like that that on this site. First date was nice, but then all of a sudden, I said something that most people would have taken as a honest, legitimate question and he went berzerk! Attacked me verbally, accused me of stalking, even tho that was the first time I had contacted him since our date, and probably would have gotten physical if I had been there. I found out really fast why he was in his 40's and never married. With a temper like that, I'm surprised he's not in jail or dead by now. Oh, and he posted unrealistic pics of himself and embellished his "good looking" staements about himself. | |
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| Suggestions to avoid players/con artists
Posted: 10/18/2005 11:41:16 PM | Blast -
This is the first time I've ventured into the forums - fairly new to POF...
I've read them for a few days and nearly every time a subject comes up that is interesting to me, I find some salient comment from you. In this instance, you've totally outdone yourself. I know it's been said numerous times already, but muchos many thank you's for sharing your insight and knowledge. I've actually cut and pasted your two comments on this thread into a word document and sent them off to other friends of mine who are out here in the ether of the 'net fishing for that special someone.
Keep delving into these conversations - I always enjoy your comments... | |
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| Suggestions to avoid players/con artists
Posted: 10/19/2005 12:19:54 AM | I'm learning a lot here, as well. Thanks Blast.
I guess weeding through the frick frack is just par for the course with online dating. I just hate that there are such despicable sociopaths out there! What a world we live in. | |
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| Suggestions to avoid players/con artists
Posted: 10/19/2005 1:51:56 AM | There are a thousand angles they will use,
its impossible to tell with certainty unless you are psychic..
I watch for actions....words are cheap
If their actions dont match their words-alarm bells go off,
I learnt that the hard way. | |
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| Suggestions to avoid players/con artists
Posted: 10/19/2005 2:56:47 AM | Ive found in order to avoid players and con artists is to not give in to what she wants... which is usually a lot on the first date.
Stick to your coffee where ever... dont fall for that ... I know this great place for dinner..etc.
Make sure you say you want to start off with friendship and go dutch or 50/50 on everything.
Obviously in a gentlemanly manner.
This my scare her away... good riddance.
Mark | |
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| Suggestions to avoid players/con artists
Posted: 10/19/2005 7:53:37 AM |
Con artists view people as toys, possessions, entertainment. They care little about what anyone is feeling or needing. It is all about them and the only time they will be extremely charming is when they want or need something from you. Otherwise, they are cold and dettached.
Once they have you in your relationship...they will begin to isolate you from anyone who might give you a reality check on their behaviours. Family and friends will be shunned and they will convince you of how terrible, meddling or intrusive they are to you. If they notice you are beginning to feel suspicious, they will often double up affection to keep you near them, often saying things like "Oh I just want you all to myself tonight, I miss you so much." and other tactics in order to avoid you visiting or talking with others.
That is my ex to a T!!!!! He didnt start out like that however. Over the years he became more and more like this. Just a couple of differences:
He thought *I* was the meddling, intrusive one when the opposite was actually true.
No charm, just demands when he wanted something from me.
No doubling up affection, just doubling up passive-aggressiveness and manipulation by him. | |
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| Suggestions to avoid players/con artists
Posted: 10/19/2005 8:13:44 AM | Some good insights to con mentality, Blastkist.
I would like to add some comments on the passive con. These are the ones that come across with a victim mentality. They are are quite subtle and tend to prey on those who are overly generous or are always wanting to help. They tend to emphasize all the bad things that are happening to them in the hope that someone will come to rescue them. Emotional blackmail is their specialty. In extreme cases the con will have their rescuer spending 24/7 fixing them and their problems so the "rescuer" has no time to think or live their own life.
Cons are rarely aware that that is what they are. In their own minds it is simply a normal way to get their needs met since it is what they saw in their parents while growing up.
Here is the not so nice part. A large percentage of the population uses some form of conning/manipulation method to varying degrees to try and get their needs met. The best way to recognize and see cons is by dealing with our conning/manipulative behaviours. Then we will start to recognize it in others. | |
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