| how do you trust guys you date around your child?
Posted: 10/24/2005 10:12:28 PM | | ok..I have a 16 month old little girl and after me and her father broke up i started seeing a friend that i had known for years things were going good until it came out the he had been phsyically hurting my daughter...so my question is if a guy i knew for 4 years couldnt be trusted can anyone now days...there is so much abuse these days i am starting to be paranoid that every guy i meet is going to hurt her | |
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| how do you trust guys you date around your child?
Posted: 10/24/2005 10:37:14 PM | | A big part of good parenting is paranoia and irrational fear. Use them at all times. Anyone that finds it offensive will get over it. This is just another tool parents use to protect their kids. You can only know as much about anyone as they willing to let you see. Abusers and predators are usually extremely good at hiding their true selves. Best thing a person can do is hope for the best and keep their eyes wide open. I hope your child is ok and wish you the best of luck in your fishing. | |
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| how do you trust guys you date around your child?
Posted: 10/24/2005 10:38:32 PM | never let your guard down when it comes to your children. Make sure the guy respects this and if he touches one precious hair on your kids head wait till he sleaps tie him up and pound the living daylicghts out of him.
Sorry this is a sore spot with me children are our lives and future. | |
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| how do you trust guys you date around your child?
Posted: 10/24/2005 11:15:07 PM | Never, ever let your guard down... I only went out with a guy twice. He went to use the bathroom the 2nd time, and my 16 year old daughter was in her room watching t.v. I was listening to music and looking something up on the computer in the next room..
He was only gone about 10 minutes, but after he left, my daughter told me he came in her room and wanted to "wrestle with her and tickle her">>>> Sick puppy..... And, he had the nerve to try to call me over and over after that, as well as show up at my door... I told him if he wanted to stay out of jail, he'd never come back... He didn't.. Made me sick to my stomach.... | |
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| how do you trust guys you date around your child?
Posted: 10/25/2005 8:48:08 AM | | ya my daughters doing a lot better ...shes still having some problems though...and i do understand what your saying i have always been very cautious with anyone around her i think what really scares me is that i took every percaution and watched him and knew him for years and it still happened.so its just really scarey | |
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*Tee*
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Joined: 9/4/2005
Msg: 6 | |
| how do you trust guys you date around your child?
Posted: 10/25/2005 9:14:17 AM | Don't forget that as your daughter gets older, you'll have to talk to her constantly and make her understand whats acceptable behaviour and whats not, from others. Keep communication with her always open. Make her understand that she can come to you for anything. Her understanding and knowledge, along with youtaking precaution, will make for a safer environment for your child. Shes probably still very young right now, but I still believe in age appropriate talks to make them aware of whats out there.
I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. I'm sure with your love and patience, she will be able to get over this... | |
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| how do you trust guys you date around your child?
Posted: 10/25/2005 10:34:56 AM | | That's it.. communication.. I didn't really have that growing up, and I'm sure I never would have told my mom if a guy did something like that to me.. Sooo, although my daughter and I have our "differences", I feel lucky that she knows she can come to me about something like that so I can do something about it~~ | |
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*Tee*
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Joined: 9/4/2005
Msg: 9 | |
| how do you trust guys you date around your child?
Posted: 10/25/2005 10:48:30 AM | | I always want to say..."thank God I have boys", but thats not necessarily true. It doesn't matter the gender of the child, we have to be aware of whats out there, and make our kids aware also. | |
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| how do you trust guys you date around your child?
Posted: 10/25/2005 11:49:51 AM | I personally don't allow anyone I am dating anywhere near my son until it is serious. I get child care if I have plans with him, or if he comes over at night my son is in bed.
I do this until the relationship is to the point that it seems like it is becoming something for the long term. At that point I introduce him in passing, and just very slowly build it up. That way I have gotten to know the person well enough to think of a serious relationship, so therefore well enough that there should be no doubts about trusting him around my child. This way also my son does not in any way become attached to someone I am dating, only to have it end, and him to be dissappointed and upset. | |
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| how do you trust guys you date around your child?
Posted: 10/25/2005 1:04:55 PM | | I've also learned that~~trust no one... And if my kids were little, it would a totally different thing.. I think after a first date, I can invite someone to my place for a couple of hours... NOT~~~ Not after what happened... I couldn't believe it at first ((but it's only because I didn't want to))..... My daughter got off work early, otherwise, she wasn't even supposed to be there... Again, I'm more than thankful that she's able to tell me things like that..... | |
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| how do you trust guys you date around your child?
Posted: 10/25/2005 7:06:02 PM | | Not to sound like a big freak but... I search out people on an available corrections website. I have also said I would dabble in background checks and stuff should I ever get to that stage with someone. It may sound bad, but I dont care. I will protect me and my child at any cost. | |
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| how do you trust guys you date around your child?
Posted: 10/25/2005 9:36:58 PM | | Lots o sugar, I did a background check on the first guy I went out with from the internet, because it went on a fairly long time.. We talked for close to 5 months before ever meeting, and for a total of about 9 months... He still ended up having more problems than I could deal with.. but I didn't fear for my kids.. just myself ((half seriously))~~It only cost me $45 I think about 1 1/2 years ago.. It was worth it to know he didn't have a criminal record anyway... | |
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| how do you trust guys you date around your child?
Posted: 10/26/2005 3:17:57 AM | A few years ago I received a call from a good freind. She had to work and her boyfriend was looking after her kids. she had phoned home and did not get an answer. So she started to worry. knowing I was freinds with this guy and my girlfreind was her freind she called me to go over and check up using the disguise of just dropping in. when I arrived I just walked in and was shocked. He had the daughter crying on the stairs he was upstairs yelling at her to go down stairs when she went to go down he'd start yelling to go up. He did not know I was in the house as I had come in the back door and the stairs where at the other end of the house. then I heard the smack. I took him off them stairs and threw him out the front door. after the police arrived they took a statement and left. When the mom got home I went for a walk to buddies house. He opened his door and told me to mind my own F*****g buisiness and I did I gave him the best beating I gave anyone unfortunantly the police arrived and broke it up.
Some guys need to be delt with by good old fassioned street justice. he never went neer that familly again. | |
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| how do you trust guys you date around your child?
Posted: 10/26/2005 3:19:29 AM | A few years ago I received a call from a good freind. She had to work and her boyfriend was looking after her kids. she had phoned home and did not get an answer. So she started to worry. knowing I was freinds with this guy and my girlfreind was her freind she called me to go over and check up using the disguise of just dropping in. when I arrived I just walked in and was shocked. He had the daughter crying on the stairs he was upstairs yelling at her to go down stairs when she went to go down he'd start yelling to go up. He did not know I was in the house as I had come in the back door and the stairs where at the other end of the house. then I heard the smack. I took him off them stairs and threw him out the front door. after the police arrived they took a statement and left. When the mom got home I went for a walk to buddies house. He opened his door and told me to mind my own F*****g buisiness and I did I gave him the best beating I gave anyone unfortunantly the police arrived and broke it up.
Some guys need to be delt with by good old fassioned street justice. he never went neer that familly again. | |
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| how do you trust guys you date around your child?
Posted: 10/26/2005 5:25:19 AM | I'm going to go with the trust nobody crowd on this one. I have, on one or two (literally only that many) occasions broken my own rule about no new people when Abigail is at my house. You know, tried to do the movies after she's in bed thing... They couldn't go pee without me standing in front of Abigials door. The only people I let over, and ever should have, have been good friends for many many years.
jefcoat - Just how I like things to be done as well... mess with a kid, get the sh]t nocked out of you.... Should have happened in my town, I doubt the cops would have been in any hurry o break it up as long as you were winning. At least that's my experiance with them, I've noticed that their policy and mine are very similar. | |
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| how do you trust guys you date around your child?
Posted: 10/26/2005 7:02:49 AM | Always trust your instincts.
Personally I wouldn't trust any male around my daughter until she can actually verbalize and communicate to me what is going on or has happened. But that's just me.
Keep in mind.. people are not always who they project to be. You never know what is going on inside their head. | |
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| how do you trust guys you date around your child?
Posted: 10/26/2005 8:12:18 AM | I have been following this post with lots of interest.
This is one of those subjects that is near and dear to my heart.
I have studied this subject, and I am kind of active in these areas, planning to become more active after my child leaves home and I can devote more time.
I have read where people say trust their instincts, trust their intuition.
Sorry but that does not work.
Your intuition or your instincts can be clouded by the feelings of a relationship. You'll ignore the red flags.
And there are warning signs.
Knowledge is power!
Do a google search, on child abuse, child abusers, warning signs etc. etc. and read and read and read.
But I do recommend avoiding women's sites or sites sponsored by women's groups. Sadly, even though they do have some good information, they are biased.
Actually, they can either excuse or justify bad behaviors.
There is no excuse and there is no justification.
Now after I say what I'm going to say next, it still would not surprise me that these behaviors will be excused or justified, or even defended.
The person most likely to abuse the child is the mother.
Now my mother, she worked for child protective services for 20 years, and she doesn't even need statistics to tell her who is the greatest threat to a child.
Between 90 and 95 percent of the time, the abuser is a family member, it is very rare that a person is from the outside.
And you have to realize, that is why it makes the news, because it is so rare.
When a man kills the child, it is front page news, yet in the back section you might have four stories of were women have killed children.
This is a list from one site.
About child fatalities.
Who is responsible.
The mother only.... 32.6 percent
mother and father.. 19.2 percent
Father only........ 16.6 percent
mother and other... 9.1 percent
father and other... 1.4 percent
nonparental........ 15.9 percent
(Such nonparental perpetrators as daycare providers, foster parents, or residential facility staff were responsible for 15.9 percent of fatalities.)
unknown............ 5.1 percent
http://www.acf.dhhs.gov/programs/cb/publications/cm02/figure4_2.htm
in over 60 percent of the cases, the mother is involved.
The numbers are basically the same for abuse.
Sorry to say, I am more comfortable leaving my child in the care of a man than a woman. Statistics show he is safer
and in real life, my sons mother was abusive to the point where the state stripped her of her rights.
But they held me responsible.
In my last relationship, the woman abused my child. That was the child protective services decision.
But again, they held me responsible.
I was the one in trouble. But because I had removed her from the house, I was cleared of any wrongdoing.
There are warning signs, there are behaviors you can see in the beginning. One thing I look for now is how do they treat their children. Because they will probably treat my child worse. This is also the reason I will not consider a woman that doesn't have children. I have to see her behavior toward children.
And I do highly recommend any single father with children, study! Get the information, go through it, learn about it.
As the custodial parent, either man or woman, you are responsible for the welfare of your child/children.
Over and over again I read how the children are No. 1 in your life.
Make sure your actions and your words are the same.
DragonRider | |
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| how do you trust guys you date around your child?
Posted: 10/26/2005 8:48:53 AM | DragonRider,
I agree that parents need to protect their children. I also feel that as an adult I am do that aswell. Children are our future. I was abused as a child by a women. not my mom but the babysitter. When I finally complained the police said that women don't abuse that way. I was devestated in my opinion it is easier for a women to abuse because afterall no one would suspect a women. But men are watched like a hawk.
My diagreement is my own I think that there are many women far more qualified to raise children but do not have any children of themselves. You may have gone through a bad situation and I can understand that because of my own situation. I personally will if possible not allow teenagers or children to babysit my children when I am finally blessed with them. But to say that the only way to tell how a women acts is to observe them with children well be cautious. My ex friend that I stepped in on was great with kids you would never excpected that. Even I who have great judgement did not see that coming. This man had great references a cleen police check axcellent character. nothing would sugest he would be like that. And he had children of his own which it appears he treated great. | |
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| how do you trust guys you date around your child?
Posted: 10/26/2005 9:05:33 AM | jefcoat,
I agree with you. It is hard.
You can even have the situation where the person would never abuse any child except for one. A lot of abuse comes from frustration. Just because you can have children, does not mean you know how to raise them. And basically the only experience a person really has is in how they were raised. That is another area you should look into when you meet somebody. How were they raised.
And they are good at covering it up.
Listen to what the person says, how they say things. Do they threaten? Even jokingly.
If somebody does them wrong, do they threaten to get even?
Some are control freaks, it's either my way or else. They have no ability to negotiate. They cannot accept another standard.
With my ex-wife once I look into her background, with open eyes, it was all their.
With my last relationship actually, it was the prescription drugs she was taking, the combination and the amount caused the abusive behavior. It could have been fixed but I did not find out until after she had died.
It saddens me so much, when I show the list to any medical professional they immediately know it was a disastrous combination of drugs.
And that is something to pay attention to. She was using prescription drugs from two different doctors actually three and she did not tell any of them what the other had prescribed.
But my main point is, study, learn about this stuff, learn what the warning signs are, learn how to protect your children, learn how to communicate with your children so they know they can trust you. If they don't trust you, they're not going to tell you.
And if your child tells you, and you are afraid to confront your partner, that should tell you something within itself, something is wrong.
DragonRider | |
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| how do you trust guys you date around your child?
Posted: 10/26/2005 9:11:27 AM | kayleesdaddy
not to pop the bubble, but the statistics show, 90 percent of the abuse is from the immediate family, somebody close.
Don't have a false sense of security.
DragonRider | |
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| how do you trust guys you date around your child?
Posted: 10/26/2005 9:46:36 AM | Dragon,
That is true. I have had many people sit in my office crying about abuse to discover that medication change fixxed the problem or parenting class which gave mom and/or dad some skills stopped abuse. But to say to me well you don't have kids I rule you out as a partner without getting to know me and my past fustrates me. I understand the need to protect children and yes Dragon there are people that can walk into a parenting role and be natural. I have done it twice one person actually thought that the kids where mine. I had to explain they were'nt. I do not believe in spanking because in my mind it sends a message of abuse and I feel that violence is wrong with the exception of proection. Which I have done and will do again if the situation warrants. But under no circumstance should anyone hurt a women or child with any form of abuse. | |
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