| sex while children are at home
Posted: 10/27/2005 2:53:11 PM | I'm curious as to the opinions of POFers on single men and women having sex with children in the house.
Is there EVER a time when a single parent should allow a date or bf to have sex in the house when children are at home?
Does the THOUGHT of children being asleep change things?
At what point in a relationship should it be ok?
Are there POSSIBLE ramifications to having children have 1st hand knowledge of SINGLE parents having sex in a relationship?
Is the childs mental,psychological and emotional health ever secondary to that of the single parent? | |
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| sex while children are at home
Posted: 10/27/2005 3:15:41 PM | I think that it is okay behind a LOCKED DOOR. Obviously you don't want to scream down the roof either. But f yu are discreet I don't see it as a problem.
As for harming their development if they find out, I suppose that depends on what you are teaching them about sex. You have to kind of practice what you preach. If you are teaching abstinence only, well, yeah, them knowing you are having sex is a problem. It would make you a hypocrite. If you are teaching them that sex is fine between adults in a respectful loving relationship, and that is your situation, then I see no problem with it. | |
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| sex while children are at home
Posted: 10/27/2005 4:47:01 PM | | As long as the parent is discrete about it I see no problem. Young children do not know what is going on behind a locked door, especially if they are asleep. I am not going to bring a stranger in my house and sleep with him (I wouldn't sleep with a stranger anyways) but in a relationship I do not see it as a problem. I do see a problem with mothers and fathers that bring home another person and introduce them to their children when they are just a lay. I was raised that sex is a natural part of a relationship and a normal thing and I believe as long as when the children understand that when they reach that level of maturity, then you are ok. Just always be discrete and quiet when children are home. | |
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| sex while children are at home
Posted: 10/27/2005 5:01:13 PM | I have to agree with the above, be responsible. With younger children, they don't need to know, with older children?
My child 16 he's not stupid. But he does know that it's a part of life. I do believe that I have successfully taught him that he is too young for sex himself, it is something people do when they are older. He has also taken the pledge at church to remain a virgin until married.
Which I am happy with, but if he breaks the pledge, it's not the end of the world, I just hope he is about 35 LOL!
I do discuss with him, responsibility. And that sex can create all kinds of problems let alone something that will call you daddy.
DragonRider
maybe too much information, but my son knows that I was married, had been married for two years, and the pregnancy, was not an accident.
This is the way it should be.
DragonRider | |
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| sex while children are at home
Posted: 10/27/2005 6:05:29 PM | Hahaha why 35??? Males grow up earlier then that i hope......or im in trouble!!! I work in the justice department of australia. I have a daughter and know the felling of protection over your kids and the urg of......well....life. Haha Teach your kids the right answers to the questions when they are ASKED. Not SEEN. As said above, behind closed doors, quiet and no doupt about them being asleep. I have people that I look after in my line of work that have not had a good up bring. They have not found the wrong answers to the question. This has made them mentally and sexually stunted or advanced. (eg sexually active or over active) there is a right place and right time for everything. But dont be bringing a new "lay" home every week. Haha Maybe someone introduced as a friend that just happens to stay till the kid/s are asleep. Only let the kids know your sleeping with someone if your with them. What they dont know dont hurt them! (as a figure of speach) Kids are priceless but sex is over rated when your kids health and wellbeing are at stake!!!!! On a good note though.......Go and have FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!    | |
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| sex while children are at home
Posted: 10/27/2005 6:50:47 PM | Ok,I'll now give my opinion because I think it is a rather important topic for OPEN discussion.
Is there EVER a time when a single parent should allow a date or bf to have sex in the house when children are at home?
I believe the answer is NO,certainly not for children over 2. Unless a parernt and the lover TRUELY have a belief of a mutual lifetime commitment it underminds the ability to install concrete understanding of how to establish a healthy lifetime/long term relationship.
Does the THOUGHT of children being asleep change things?
I think it would be VERY foolish to believe it does. Its that the parent WANTS to believe that the child has never heard a thing,not what is actually the case. Normally children don't tell the parents,they tell other children or teachers or just file in inside psychologically or all of the above.(Again,talking about children out of diapers/pampers)
At what point in a relationship should it be ok?Shouldn't be ok until both parties believe and understand that they are IN a lifetime healthy,romantic consistant relationship and AFTER having dated in a CONSISTANT, healthy,committed monogamous situation for many many months(more logically years) AT LEAST.
Are there POSSIBLE ramifications to having children have 1st hand knowledge of SINGLE parents having sex in a relationship? Most professionals in the feild agree that there are many possible ramifications.
IF there is a POSSIBLE ramification of negative effect on a childs psyche isn't it BETTER and more noble to simply WAIT until the times in which there is a sitter or the child is away?
Is the childs mental,psychological and emotional health ever secondary to that of the single parent? This should NEVER be the case. Children never ASKED to be here,they are BECAUSE of the actions of the "adult" its therefore the primary responsiblity of the adult to ensure their BEST interest at ALL times during childhood.
If you are teaching them that sex is fine between adults in a respectful loving relationship, and that is your situation, then I see no problem with it....I was raised that sex is a natural part of a relationship and a normal thing and I believe as long as when the children understand that when they reach that level of maturity,
Doesn't that lead to OBVIOUS misinterpretation? How many "loving relationships" should a parent have during a child's formulative to teen years? Couldn't this disregard by a huge reason men and women increasingly fail to understand the intricacies of relationships and sex? Could it be a huge reason so many teens begin having sex at earlier years than ever and with more frequency than ever? Doesn't locking the door and being discrete in of itself say that there is OBVIOUS problems with the concept? We should all be honest enough to know that most teens who have grown up with single parents who had sex in the house with them there had knowledge of it so the discrete part seems to be a sham that reflects hypocracy. | |
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| sex while children are at home
Posted: 10/27/2005 7:19:05 PM | | Very true man, Very true!! I fully agree with what you are saying the only thing is that some parents dont get the luxury of the kids going away for a night or being babysat. Ultimatly yes this is the "TIME AND PLACE" for this to happen. Some people get carried away and not say no when things "just happen". The time and place is the first rule to follow, the rest is more a alternative for the parents without that luxury. No kids being asleep does not make it better. It is something that helps protect the kids. The saying " Do as i say, not as i do." is not follow by kids. They follow by example. | |
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| sex while children are at home
Posted: 10/27/2005 8:19:18 PM | well some single parents have their kids 24 X 7 ... so i guess my opinion here would be yes it would be ok once you are at that point in the relationship where you have been with the person for a while and believe this will be a lasting thing. But to bring home some partners for the joy of sex holly no! lol
I would be very discreet and definetaly lock the bedroom door. | |
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| sex while children are at home
Posted: 10/27/2005 8:31:08 PM | My own rule? I would never do it as a single parent. Just not the right example to set for my own child. If I am married? Sure... With the right circumstances. Being that Im single, Im not sure what those circumstances are... | |
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| sex while children are at home
Posted: 10/27/2005 8:59:17 PM | | We are all human with needs. Thats life. I think its just something that we have to decide ourselves. All consideration should be taken to show the children the rights and wrongs of life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! | |
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| sex while children are at home
Posted: 10/27/2005 9:17:09 PM | | I have 2 teenage daughters in my home, so no it won't be happening here while they are at home. I have worked hard to instill certain values in them which I do not take lightly. If I were to parade women through here, it would be totally disregarding what I have taught them about how a woman should be treated. I just could not disrespect my children like that. I couldn't imagine making them uncomfortable in their own home. Yes their well being is way more important than my physical needs. ALWAYS | |
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| sex while children are at home
Posted: 10/28/2005 6:42:54 AM | this is an incredibly important topic & for the first time ever... i agree with marathonman 150%!!!
in my 37 years here, 17 of them as a single parent, i can honestly say my mother set the stage for my life by not dating just any man that came along. she met & married my father, had me, divorce happend. she met & married my brother's father, brother was born, a few months later his father was killed. she met & married my step-father, divorced when i was in 10th grade... she hasn't dated since. now that my brother and i have grown and gone, i'd love to see her meet a wonderful partner. what's important about her lifestyle to me is that she had enough respect for herself and for my brother and i, not to bring all sorts of different men around & if she did that now... i think i'd be shocked.
i have no plans on getting married so that can make my social life a little difficult to manage but i've managed to keep my entire adult world private from my son & he respects me for that choice. it's worth the extra effort in the end and i can see that in my son's relationship with the gal he's been dating for two years. they have a very age appropriate relationship, i'm very close to her and her family and they have an incredible amount of respect for each other and us, their parents and families. i must have done somethin' right. ;) | |
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| sex while children are at home
Posted: 10/28/2005 7:12:23 AM | My daughter is still young she goes to bed at 20h reads to 21h usually fall asleep shortly after. So that leaves me a few hours of adult entertainment. That said my daughter never met a women that I brought home until we where 3 to 4 months in the relationship and of course that does not happen that often as you all know, meeting the right person when you work and raise a kid is not easy. I am hopping that by the time she is old enough to understand what is going on I will be in a steady relationship and not have to worry about it. If not then I will have to wait because I do not want my daughter to think that I don’t practice what I preach. Respect yourself and other around you. I love sex and wish I could have it a lot more then I have now but not to the expense of having my daughter think that multiple intimate partners is okay.
I short if they are young and asleep then it’s okay but if they are old enough to understand what is going on and it’s with multiple partner then I have to say no.
Bouffon | |
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| sex while children are at home
Posted: 10/28/2005 8:40:57 AM | | I think it is fine...not with just anyone and not while they are awake of course. Keep it discreet, quiet and respectful. Those of us who have out kids 24/7 with not much family around you kind of have to be able to know when is ok. Of course as they get older and are up longer then it will be harder to accomplish. | |
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| sex while children are at home
Posted: 10/28/2005 11:59:31 AM | | I have actually promised my kids that I won't bring a man here to meet them until I know it's serious. They have only known me with their father and my ex fiance, so I don't want them to see me bringing different guys around. So if I meet someone and they don't have a place to go to.....so long buddy. I just can't put them through more than they have been through, and I also have mine 24/7. They are older, 17 down to 10, but still.....they don't need to see that. If I get serious with someone, and we have been dating a few months.....then that's different. It's a matter of having them learn morals...at least in my opinion. | |
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| sex while children are at home
Posted: 10/28/2005 3:35:47 PM |
I have actually promised my kids that I won't bring a man here to meet them until I know it's serious. They have only known me with their father and my ex fiance, so I don't want them to see me bringing different guys around. So if I meet someone and they don't have a place to go to.....so long buddy. I just can't put them through more than they have been through, and I also have mine 24/7. They are older, 17 down to 10, but still.....they don't need to see that. If I get serious with someone, and we have been dating a few months.....then that's different. It's a matter of having them learn morals...at least in my opinion.
^^ I agree. I had decided my children will not meet any man I date until I become serious with one and I trust him fully. It isn't just a matter of having them get attached to someone who may not be around forever anymore. There is a worry of someone not being appropriate with my kids in some way. I never want to subject them to possible harm.
That said, my children have met a man who is a good friend of mine, but it is no longer a dating relationship and I do trust him. So this mostly fixes the problem of whether to have sex or not in the home while they are there, as my children won't meet anyone I am not in a commited relationship with and ideally I won't be having sex with someone I'm not in a commited relationship with either.
I haven't put myself in a situation to know what I would do, but I do agree with the man who started this topic. It's not something I want my children to have to deal with. | |
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| sex while children are at home
Posted: 10/28/2005 5:00:30 PM | I'm reposting due to my previous typos,it was late and I apologize:
Is there EVER a time when a single parent should allow a date or bf to have sex in the house when children are at home?
I believe the answer is NO,certainly not for children over the age of 2. Unless a parent and the lover TRUELY have a belief of a mutual lifetime commitment it underminds the ability to install concrete understanding of how to establish a healthy lifetime/long term relationship.
At what point in a relationship should it be ok?
Shouldn't be ok until:
1)both parties believe and understand that they are in a lifetime healthy,romantic consistant relationship and
2)AFTER having dated in a CONSISTANT, healthy,committed monogamous situation for many many months(more logically years) AT LEAST.
Not 1 without the other. Dating for several months does not mean that both parties have reached conclusion #1. In fact the point there is that the situation of sex while kids are at home should ONLY happen with condition #1 AFTER condition #2 and have been with BOTH conditions for a year(s).
How many times have single parents been wrong about relationships? Read the forums and the answer is clear. I think its very selfish and short sighted to put a child/children through similar emotional situations the adult goes through in a break up of a relationship,children are children....PROTECT them. Isn't it reasonable to understand that if the parent is going through psychological trauma in a break up,likewise it affects the child?
Another issue is MODELING. Children learn from environment. Why not give them a great opportunity to learn how to build and sustain healthy relationships with the awareness that sex is NOT a game. The ONLY way to model this is by preventing the imagery of bf #1 staying the night and a few months/years later,new bf/fiance #2 and a few yrs/mo later #3.This is NOT a stable situation. It also allows young people to fall into the trap of thinking that male/female relationships are of the highest of PRIORITY.After all,mom/dad seem to
at times place an outsider at the same or similar prioritized state as child. Could this be an added reason some people can't seem to fathom being alone?
If a teen can name Tom,Dick and Harry(Pam,Jan and Tam) as people who have spent the night while growing up,frankly the parent has FAILED to model stability. Is this important? EXTREMELY! MAJORLY!
Does the THOUGHT of a sleeping child change things? NO, not for children over the age of 2.I think it would be VERY foolish to believe it does. Its that the parent WANTS to believe that the child has never heard a thing, not what is actually the case. Normally children don't tell the parents, they tell other children or teachers or just file in inside psychologically or all of the above
Are there POSSIBLE ramifications to having children have 1st hand knowledge of SINGLE parents having sex in a relationship? Most professionals in the field agree that there are many possible ramifications.
IF there is a POSSIBLE ramification of negative effect on a child’s psyche isn't it BETTER and nobler to simply WAIT until the times in which there is a sitter or the child is away?
Now what about being with a child 24/7?..24/7 ?maybe they are with them 24/7(unlikely).........but NOT 365,after all,in all honesty a parent likely is NOT with a child over the age of 3, 24/7 365 and "DATE". After all, if the 2 never actually went on a date without the child present this brings up even WORSE situations and possiblities. Singles raising children who are with them 24/7 365 simply should just wait for the child to go to school before dating...OR get a sitter or relative. If the "date" is that great in potential perhaps the date could offer some assistance for a sitter.
Is the child’s mental, psychological and emotional health ever secondary to that of the single parent? This should NEVER be the case. Children never ASKED to be here, they are BECAUSE of the actions of the "adult" its therefore the primary responsibility of the adult to ensure their BEST interest at ALL times during childhood.
Yes, its a tough job....but a job well worth doing right. Its a job worth giving the absolute BEST effort. | |
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| sex while children are at home
Posted: 10/28/2005 6:16:24 PM | all the single parents out there, male or female, that exercise restraint in this area of their lives ought to be commended...  | |
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| sex while children are at home
Posted: 10/28/2005 6:54:46 PM | Here's a comment my ex made to our 15 year old daughter..
As adults, if you aren't sleeping together by the third date, you're not dating anymore...
So she knows what he is doing and quite frankly, she's appalled.. She can't believe that he would be so indiscriminate.. Plus now that he is dating, all she does is do the math and she knows they're sleeping together.
What an inappropriate message for a young girl who is trying to figure out appropriate sexual relationships.. Of course, being a smart parent was never his forte.
Myself, I can't imagine bringing a man home to sleep .. right now. maybe not for a long time.
I believe my kids could probably meet my DATES.. as they all are teens and understand the concept of DATES.. I would never stay out all night or with a guy.. and I would never try and make them be friends with a guy.. But being polite at the door is okay .. I think its all very age appropriate.
Sex in my world is something that will have to happen very carefully and very discreetly. | |
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| sex while children are at home
Posted: 10/29/2005 7:30:30 PM | | I have been a way a while but I see that things haven't changed. Marathon you seem to have strong opinions on how single parents should raise their children and how if we make a wrong descision (like sleep in a bed with a man when the children are home) we will corupt our children, and how much we should sacrafice for our children and how good this will make us feel. I just have a question, who made you the know it all on child rearing?? As far as I can tell you don't have children. And I know this is exactly the response you were waiting for, but let the parents decide how we are going to raise our children, cause we have enough know it alls to last us for a 100 children. | |
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| sex while children are at home
Posted: 10/29/2005 7:36:54 PM | | this is true . some people have more than one kid and i didn't make my first little girl stand outside the house while we made our second | |
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| sex while children are at home
Posted: 10/30/2005 12:12:21 AM | that is great.!!! LMAO..
but your daughter knew mommy and daddy slept in the other room..
not mommy or daddy and the person they brought home from the bar...
It's pretty much common sense people.. use it .. it really doesn't hurt as much as you think it will. | |
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| sex while children are at home
Posted: 10/30/2005 9:41:42 AM | smiley... there are a ton of single parents here and elsewhere that do believe in the same principals the OP has shared here and no one here is forcing anyone to raise their children any differently than they already do... if you want to have sex when your kids are at home, that's your choice. some parents choose to have more discretion.
what's cool about these forums is the knowledge shared may help someone who isn't quite sure about what they're doing or what decisions they may have to make. if you read through and don't find anything useful... that's cool too. but at least the topic is out there for people to check out. | |
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| sex while children are at home
Posted: 10/30/2005 10:15:37 AM | I am one of those single moms that does have sex when the kids are home. That said, it's ALWAYS been when I've been in a committed relationship. Sex is not something I've ever taken lightly and there certainly is no revolving door on my bedroom. I don't need it THAT bad!! LOL
I don't see the need to keep my relationship a secret from my kids and like I said, the person in my life isn't involved on any level until I'm sure there's a future. I make it very clear I'm not looking for a bed buddy.
I do have high morals and values that I pass along to the kids. I don't think I'm a bad parent just because I make these choices. Others disagree and that's cool. We all have our opinions about how to deal with it. | |
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