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Posted: 10/31/2005 12:40:57 PM | Like many, I was involved with a controller.
I have found that the primary way to tell if someone
is a controller (to avoid getting too involved with them)
is that they do not like it if anyone does not act, repsond, do...
basically anything in a way they deem "right"...
(according to them).
Anyone else been romantically involved with one?
What were your experiences? | |
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arri
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Joined: 10/5/2005
Msg: 2 | |
| controllers
Posted: 10/31/2005 12:43:32 PM | | People who complain about controllers tend to be controllers themselves | |
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| controllers
Posted: 10/31/2005 12:44:34 PM | | My ex ... hmmm ... yeah. It took me a good year, year-and-a-half to actually figure out who I was | |
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Posted: 10/31/2005 12:48:15 PM | arr, yes thats true from my experience being romantically involved with one. I also found that they feel compromise is ALWAYS getting their way.
ya, sorry I've seen your posts and it seems you have been deeply hurt. I hope you heal and can forgive her at some point. Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. | |
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| controllers
Posted: 10/31/2005 12:50:50 PM | | Not just romantically involved...I was married to a controller. Thank goodness I got out of that situation! | |
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Posted: 10/31/2005 12:51:35 PM | | I was married to one. She would throw the biggest fits and create the biggest fights. Im not used to fighting in a relationship. Prior to that debacle of a marriage, I was never in a relationship that had any large fights. She tried the "withhold sex" gig, but that eventually backfired... she was a horrible sex partner. She would try virtually everything in order to control the mood of the house as well as mine. She grew up yelling and being yelled at. I grew up in a very healthy family that laughed together all the time. Im not used to control, especially in a relationship. If the person Im with wants to leave my world... pretty much aint a damn thing I can do, shes already made up her mind. Control is probably the ugliest aspect of ANY relationship. | |
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Posted: 10/31/2005 12:53:08 PM | My controller never was out of control... he was ALWAYS in control of himself... and wanted to also control others... so they would act/ do/ say... as he pleased. He was also a great lover, which may be the only thing that kept us together for as long as we were.
"conditions" do seem a huge aspect of them...
thats for sure. They will with back whatever they can... they are super conditional.
Everything is based upon conditions, and getting their way 100% of the time. | |
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arri
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Joined: 10/5/2005
Msg: 8 | |
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Posted: 10/31/2005 1:57:05 PM | LMAO … You are the one who always whines about men and all the hurt. I am happily in a relationship and looking forward to getting married in the next couple of years. I guess I am healed …  
You have to get over your own pain and controlling issues first ... then you can start to heal. | |
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Posted: 10/31/2005 2:02:17 PM |
It took me a good year, year-and-a-half to actually figure out who I was
I didn't have doubts about myself - although scene was very misty and grey - I just could not comprehend variety of mental cruelty human being is capable to impose on another
buzz | |
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| controllers
Posted: 10/31/2005 3:10:08 PM | | yep, i was married to one too. scary stuff. it was bad enough that when i told my parents we were getting divorced, my mom said she was glad she was getting her daughter back, that he had completely taken over my personality...good thing i got out when i did is all i know. | |
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Posted: 10/31/2005 3:15:12 PM | | hmmmm, is it possible all of these unhappy women were married to the same guy? And Yam to his sister? After all, there cant be THAT many air traffic controllers in the world, can there? | |
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Posted: 10/31/2005 3:20:17 PM | Rainbowfish, look into the Rainbow. You are getting quite sleepy.
One of the reasons I haven't hooked up for more than a few months after my first girlfriend was killed by a drunk driver is that I seemed to attract women that wanted to be controllers. They wanted to mold me into what they thought would be their ideal man. One tried to keep me around saying she'd change, that she was just too much of an alpha. After several chances for her I said no, alphas command respect, you're just a b*i*t*c*h. | |
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Posted: 10/31/2005 3:54:49 PM | double I am sorry I did not get back with you , when I found out you lived with your folks, I lost interest> I hope you find someone who likes that in a guy.
God bless your angry heart. I am sorry.
:)
I hope that you will stop following me around being angry and move on.
I will address this no more with you.
Thanks | |
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`EMMA`
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Joined: 10/22/2005
Msg: 14 | |
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Posted: 10/31/2005 4:00:09 PM | Interesting definition, Rainbow. The problem with controllers is that they often masquerade as people who have a good healthy self esteem, who know what they want and how to get it. The tip off is in how they go about getting it and I agree with your comments about conditions. A person is a controlling person when they give or withdraw affection/attention/time based on another's willingness to obey and follow. People who have true self esteem do not need the world at their feet to feel good about themselves, nor do they need to get their way all the time. I mean really, isn't the term controlling just a new expression for good old fashioned and yes, objectionable, "bossiness"?
And Rainbow, I love your posts. You are a straight shootin' sistah!!! | |
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MUCH
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Joined: 10/30/2005
Msg: 15 | |
| controllers
Posted: 10/31/2005 4:18:41 PM | | not true they just cant let them go or have learned to get rid of them the first time they see a red flag | |
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Posted: 10/31/2005 4:22:30 PM | Its not just bossiness...
its about power and control... one thing for sure is I can sure spot in now
in a guy from not only down the block but from around the corner too... lol
ps thanks | |
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`EMMA`
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Joined: 10/22/2005
Msg: 17 | |
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Posted: 10/31/2005 4:24:16 PM | | One of the big red flags is choice of language. One of the gentleman from the above posts said this in his profile, "If in your world I would let you choose..." The notion of someone "letting" me do something is ludicrous. Words...words...words...they will always reveal character! | |
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Posted: 10/31/2005 4:33:43 PM | I have a relationship with my X-Box controller does that count? I know when I don't move the joystick exactly the right way or press the button when I am supposed to I am punished by a goal against, a drive off into the rough or a punishing blow by some boxer. I agree controllers can suck large :)
On a more serious note the best way of dealing with a controlling person is to run as far and fast as you can. A girl I went to school with that used to be an incredibly large personality was so beat down after living with a control freak for a couple of years she could hardly even look anyone in the eye. | |
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Posted: 10/31/2005 5:03:12 PM | | LMAO,,yeppers,,,too many of them ,,I never realize it till too late though,,or after the fact, it seems,,was with one for many, many years,,,is hard to break the habits that you aquire in that duration, VERY hard!!! | |
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Posted: 10/31/2005 5:05:22 PM | Not even just from around the corner, I can smell it in the air.
Funny too, speaking from personal experience, that when someone calls YOU a control freak there are certain other symptoms exibited. | |
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Posted: 10/31/2005 5:09:30 PM | @marie, yes its true... they will "let" someone
do something... or they won't.
Lotsa smart women on this site ;) | |
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Posted: 10/31/2005 5:18:33 PM | | I was married to one for 13 years. The worst thing you can do to a controller is let them control you. It screws up your life and they never get any better either. What I mean to say is that I enabled a controller for a long time and now I am free but she is doomed to try to find happiness in a world that I let her believe she could control. Sad for her, really. | |
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elle j
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Joined: 5/14/2005
Msg: 23 | |
| controllers
Posted: 10/31/2005 5:20:36 PM | I once dated a controller... he was younger than myself. Very charismatic when in a social gathering... one would have never guessed who he was in private.
You could never be vague with him. If he called me at work to ask what I was doing after work, my response of 'running a few errands and then going home' was not adequate. He needed to know the exact details and how long is was going to be. When I would ask why he needed the specifics, he would turn it back on me and ask me why I was being secretive. Losing track of time at the mall was not allowed because in his eyes it meant I was off screwing around with some guy.
The night I broke it off with him was very ugly indeed. I told him I was a grown adult and have not been accountable to anyone but myself since I left home. His constant need for a daily itinerary was ludicrous and he really needed to get a grip. I am sure it would have become physical if I were intimidated by him.
Some time later I found that he had a history of seeking out strong women merely to try and beat them down and control them.
I have also learned to detect a controller and make a hasty exit. | |
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Posted: 10/31/2005 5:22:21 PM | Actually there's a lot of truth to the old saying;
"the one making the accusation, is usually the one doing the deed"
a thief will accuse others of stealing somebody committing adultery will accuse their partner of it, a liar will say everybody else is lying etc..
Studies have shown those claiming abuse, usually are the ones committing the abuse.
Sadly those that are being abused, suffer in silence
Control freaks usually start out criticizing, the way you dress, the way you talk, your habits etc. than the moment you take back a little ground, they call you the control freak.
I was called a control freak once because I would not make decisions for her.
I've given up trying to figure that one out.
DragonRider | |
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| controllers
Posted: 10/31/2005 5:22:32 PM | lotsa smart men on this site too!
i don't believe in stereotyping genders, races or beliefs.
it isn't that simple for me.
i think and feel it is incorrect to label.
there are many psychobabble terms out there~
codependent, passive agressive, etc.
i guess i have to wonder why anyone who chooses
to stay in a controlling relationship
does so of their own free will and volition.
and has to at some point, i believe, in order to grow as a human being~
look in the mirror and figure out their part in such a relationship.
it's much deeper than simply calling another by any term or name or label. | |
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