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Emira
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Joined: 11/6/2005
Msg: 1 | |
| dating someone of another faith
Posted: 11/6/2005 1:54:15 PM | Hi everyone. I was just curious about this topic and wanted other opinions. I did a topic seach and I've found nothing. If it's been addressed many times before I apologize and perhaps someone can direct me to that thread. 
Can relationships with someone of another faith, or even lack of faith, work?
A friend of mine was a devote Christian and got involved with a atheist woman. At first everything was fantastic, they went out for couple years, and even had a child. It was then that problems arose. He wanted to marry and raise the child with Chritian principles knowing God while she was very anti-religious and refused outright for the child to be subjected to religious "brainwashing" as she called it. Needless to say they are not together anymore but it again does beg to question. Can interfaith relationships work? Could two loving people have a wonderful life together if one is Catholic and the other a Wiccan? Should they even try? What about a Christian and a Muslim? Perhaps PoF should have a profile option do filter out other faiths?
I suppose it all boils down to how deep seated your particular faith is. Everyone's belief system and devotion in it could be different.
What's everyone's thoughts on this topic?  | |
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| dating someone of another faith
Posted: 11/6/2005 2:04:58 PM |
I suppose it all boils down to how deep seated your particular faith is.
You pretty much said it right there. If a devout believer dates an atheist seriously, they are each taking a huge risk. The Bible does tell people to not be "unequally yoked." Heck, I know of a Christian couple that still have disagreements about how to raise their kids!
Cheers!  | |
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Emira
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Joined: 11/6/2005
Msg: 3 | |
| dating someone of another faith
Posted: 11/6/2005 10:43:55 PM | found this article on it. thought it might be of interest to some:
Dating Someone with Another Faith Background
- by Susan Dunn, MA, Relationship & EQ Coach
You’re dating and your religious beliefs are different. How much difference does this make?
The answer is: Another person’s religious beliefs are important to you to the degree they’re important to you. This may sound like begging the question, but it’s an important thing to ‘get’. Assuming you’re looking for marriage, you need to make a “must have” and “can’t stand” list. If certain religious beliefs go into either group, pay attention to them, because you won’t be happy if they aren’t there (or are and shouldn’t be) and the relationship won’t work in the long run.
Begging the question is what Zen koans are all about; those maddening “answers” that the “master” gives when the novice asks a question. He seems to answer all around something without coming out and saying it. Why is this important? Because the master is also teaching the novice how to think and how to answer his own questions.
The master answers so that the learner understands they’re either asking a question no one knows the answer to (like “Will this man make good children?), or it’s a question you don’t need an answer to in order to get on with your life (like, “Will this man go bald when he gets old?”), or that you know the answer as well as anyone else, you just don’t know it by reason (which is limited) and you can’t accept that (like, “Are we compatible?”), or that only you can answer (like, “Is this the right man for me?”).
In the case of religious beliefs, the emotionally intelligent thing to do is to figure out what you want (work with a coach for clarity; it’s worth it) and then experience the person.
It’s important to formulate you spiritual “must haves” and “can’t stands” in the correct way. Do you mean adherence to a certain set of principals as espoused by a certain faith, such as being Methodist, or Buddhist? Do you need someone to agree with every word you say about it?
Or do you want the person to believe in certain spiritual principals which could be compatible with various faiths? Does it matter to you more how the person argues their faith verbally in their head, or how they live it in their daily actions and behaviors? Some people live in a way that’s very compatible with certain faiths, though they may not officially belong to any religious organization. Some religions require only faith; others require certain actions.
If you want to see certain values and principals in action, what are they? Honesty? The Golden Rule? Compassion? Kindness?
I do encourage you to take the time to see how the person lives out their principals. It’s easy to say you believe in charity. It’s not so easy to tithe.
Now since we began with koans, here is one to help you understand how to go about this, from Lao Tzu: “A tree that is unbending is easily broken.” This is referring to the EQ competency of flexibility.
Choosing a good life partner is a matter of both head and heart. I know all the self-help experts out there are telling to make a list, make a list, but, really, your common sense will tell you that people don’t conform to lists. That’s why you’re still looking, right? Most of the clients who've come to me for relationship coaching have list that don't work in the real world. In other words, they only make sense on paper.
It's nice to make a list, yes, except it’s just words. Also the things on the list may not add up to someone who loves you treats you well, and is a responsible, pleasant and comfortable person to be. (Unless of course those things are on your list.
You’re going out to add something to your life – a partner. Think of it in terms of choosing a pet. You can head out to buy a Chocolate Lab, or you can head out to buy a female Chocolate lab with a gentle disposition who’s good with kids, or you can head out to by any dog with a gentle disposition who’s good with kids, or a dog under 50 lbs. with a gentle disposition who’s good with kids, or a dog that’s got a gentle disposition, weighs less than 50 lbs., is good with kids and is anything except a****r spaniel. On the other hand, you could go to the pet store and look or a dog that appeals to you!
What’s the best way to proceed? I think it depends upon your experience and EQ, and if you’re rather new in either area, I’d suggest some coaching. There’s a lot fo learn, and the more you learn, the more you can make wise choices. In just about anything in life, first you have to learn the rules. Then you learn how to break them.
Back to the dog analogy. After owning dogs for more years than some of my readers have been alive, I’d go somewhere with likely candidates and then choose a dog that appeals to me. That’s because I’ve had a lot of experience with dogs, and I have good intuition, an EQ competency.
Intuition is leading from heart and suspending the intellect. Of course I would set forth with certain intellectual parameters in mind. I don’t want a dog that’s known to bite any more than I’d want a date who’s known to bite!
Good intuition allows you to suspend the intellect, which is important in matters of the heart. For instance, I know now that an English Spring Spaniel can make a wonderful animal companion, and so can a Basset, a Heinz 57 and a Siberian Husky. By the same token, I know I can enjoy a male companion with a Ph.D., an M.A., no college but lots of smarts, or an M.D. In other words, I don’t “rule out” on the education (or the breed).
However, I also know that a dog that can’t be house-broken, or one that bites, or one that’s too abused to be able to enjoy people isn’t a good choice, any more than a man with too much emotional baggage, or a set of bad habits such as addiction, is also not a good choice. I will “rule out” on those parameters.
There’s a kind of list that works, and a kind that doesn’t. If you spend some time doing your homework, you’ll have better luck. Learn how to make a list that works, and develop your intuition. Then you can date in an emotionally intelligent way.
Why be the tree that bends so it doesn’t break? Because you might meet someone who would be an outstanding life partner for you who doesn’t happen to have something that’s on your list. In other words, be flexible about your list.
Generally speaking, you can bend on almost anything except a character or personality trait, and you can even bend on a personality trait if there’s enough good in the relationship. For instance, more than one client I’ve worked with has found out that the “boring” man they were considering turned out to have the sort of stable, consistent personality traits that made for a good life partner, and that a pretty face is just another pretty face.
Look beneath the surface and have a list that allows for what really counts.
Good luck! | |
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| dating someone of another faith
Posted: 11/7/2005 1:01:05 AM | Your story was tragic, Emira. It's unfortunate that some people will go "all the way," without considering the implications. I think things like that ought to be discussed early in the relationship to see if they would eventually become an issue. Make decisions, stick by them. Beyond that, the issue is just one of what you love more. If a person is more "in love" with their ideology than the person they're seeing/dating/marrying/whatever, there will be problems. Hopefully, if the love, real love, is there, they can be overcome. If not, well, you know how the story goes. 
 
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| dating someone of another faith
Posted: 11/7/2005 2:41:05 AM | In a mixed faith serious relationship at least one (possibly both) participant needs to be extremely tolerant.
An example. I myself am staunchly agnostic. If I were to marry a christian woman I would defer to her for spiritual upbringing of any children. I would however make sure to teach the kids critical thinking and asking questions. I would not tell them what questions to ask however. I would leave the rest up to the children.
Another example. A jewish father with a christian mother. Jewish father wants the children to be raised Jewish. If the Christian mother takes issue to that, then there will be problems. Something has to give. Ideally this would have been discussed and determined LONG before children come into the picture, but that is not always how things turn out.
Even without children there are some faith beliefs that, if believed strongly enough, would cause strife. Lets go back to the scenario where I end up with a christian significant other. She believes with all her faith that if I do not accept Jesus Christ into my heart I will go to Hell. She feels obligated to constantly push me to convert as a result. I will not and cannot change my faith because of what my partner believes. This would cause too much friction and eventually things would fall apart. It would be nobody's fault in particular, it is just an incompatability that would cause problems.
Now if the christian girlfriend were of the belief that you enter heaven if you just live a good life and follow most of the "Christian" ideals then there would be no problem. There might be some good natured jabs every now and then but it would not be incessant preaching brought on by worry for my immortal soul.
These are the kinds of things that need to be discussed long before the idea of moving in together is even verbally acknowledged. Both parties need to make it absolutely clear what the potential problems they will have are.
Just my $.02, take it or leave it. | |
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| dating someone of another faith
Posted: 11/7/2005 6:47:03 AM | I know of a happy couple with which the man changed from Buddist beliefs to his wife's Mormon. I know of another couple who seemed very happy; one changed from Catholic to the other's Jewish.
I am not strongly Religious. Let me clarify that. I am a Christian. I don't go to church religiously. But I do like to go on occassion.
My current bf is not of my faith, but we are both Christian and very open minded and respectful of the other. My late husband was Christian, too, and wished for the child we raised to go to church. I raised my son to understand that religious practices are a personal choice. He made his choice as an adult.
Do you see where this is going. Being Christian has been the key to happiness, respect and support...not our religious direction. I suspect that for others the key here is simply open mindedness.
Those are issues that surely should be raised prior to having children. O if only the world worked that way. | |
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Emira
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Joined: 11/6/2005
Msg: 7 | |
| dating someone of another faith
Posted: 11/7/2005 11:18:27 AM | | Thanks for your input. It is certainly something for people to discuss beforehand. Especially if your not willing to be "converted". A person has to be respectful of others faith and traditions, otherwise your guaranteed to develop issues down the road. | |
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| dating someone of another faith
Posted: 11/7/2005 6:43:30 PM | | I was with someone for a long time who one day decided she couldnt be with me because I did not believe as she did. Make absolutely certain you know who you are with, and that they accept your beliefs, not just tolerate them. Otherwise, you are headed for heartbreak. | |
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| dating someone of another faith
Posted: 11/9/2005 8:54:02 AM | When it come's to love, the heart does not care about religion.
Two people in love can deal with anything, if the love is real. | |
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| dating someone of another faith
Posted: 11/9/2005 3:14:06 PM | I personally would never have anyone of a different faith. And if anyone doesn't agree, fine......... "What? ......NOW we HAVE to date/marry/partner with someone of a different faith."
I need someone who shares my faith-that way we can grow in our Christianity with Jesus Christ. Being eqully yoked is the best way......less problems. | |
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| dating someone of another faith
Posted: 11/9/2005 9:37:58 PM | | I was with a guy for 5 years before he finally told me, that because i was a witch and he a protestant, that i was good enough to screw but not good enough to marry. however, regardless of my experience, i ditto the rest of the posts. :) | |
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| dating someone of another faith
Posted: 11/10/2005 9:45:15 AM | From my own experience, if someone loves you and you love them enough it really doesn't matter. It's hard to imagine not being with that person, nothing should distract from it. I would put all other issues out of reach, including those of a religious order. If this sounds difficult, believe me the alternative is even more so. Just something to consider... don't let love die over what you believe or don't believe. Of course, only you will know if that love is worth the sacrifice if sacrifice is what it has to be.
Tony | |
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| dating someone of another faith
Posted: 11/10/2005 2:22:51 PM | I have thought long and hard on this subject, and have concluded, that no matter how much I may endorse a person's right to worship as their conscience dictates, I could not marry a person who believed that if I did not believe what they believed, I would go to Hell for eternity.
Could you imagine the discussions at breakfast each morning? They alone would be enough for me to beg for mercy within an hour or two. You know stuff like, "Have you converted yet?" or that old chestnut, "I'm not sleeping with you until you accept Christ as your saviour! I don't know what possessed me to marry you, a filthy heathen, but as God is my witness, you are'nt going to take me to hell with you, you heretic!"
About a day of this actually, and I'd be on my way out!
Now the really interesting part is that if my "wife" did not say those things, she would be guilty of not spreading the gospel, and this would put her soul in peril. So, she would be compelled to be a maniac about religion, or go to hell herself! What chance would there be for success? None.
Any so called successful marriages between a Pagan and a Christian, means either someone is lying, or someone isn't being a true dedicated evangelista!
Ed.. | |
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| dating someone of another faith
Posted: 11/10/2005 10:25:07 PM | I respect someones beliefs, whatever they believe. I personally would rather they come to Jesus(my beliefs), but it's not up to me, it's up to them. If they want to know more about him, I will tell them. I can pray for them, but I have learned that you cant force your beliefs down someones throat. As for raising a child, that is a hard thing to do if you both have extremely different views (christian vs atheist). Love is a wonderful thing, and if the Lord brought you 2 together, their was a purpose to this Love. Love covers many faults in a person and traverses many boundaries.
Robert | |
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j-roc
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Joined: 5/24/2005
Msg: 15 | |
| dating someone of another faith
Posted: 11/10/2005 10:31:17 PM | My parents are opposite. My mom is Christian and my Dad is an athiest (but acted like an agnostic as to not interfere with my decisions). As a child I was told to follow my heart. Whatever I may choose, do so for me, and research it....do not have blind faith and don't claim to be an athiest just because.
They never persuaded me, but were helpful if I had any questions/concerns.
I have a friend who isn't on speaking terms with his parents because of their beliefs. They tried forcing it down his throat for his entire childhood.
Tolerance and patience is key. Educate, help and guide, but do not force. | |
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| dating someone of another faith
Posted: 11/11/2005 9:59:42 AM | And why would this be a question...
regardless of the faih they are in if you really love as in the One then it will happen.
Jesus did not seperate himself from anyone he mingled with the faithful just as much as the regretted sinners of that time. He has no favorites why should we really? | |
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| dating someone of another faith
Posted: 5/14/2007 3:44:14 PM |
Can relationships with someone of another faith, or even lack of faith, work?
Yes they can. Currently in one myself. Love and respect can take people far. | |
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Ender
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Joined: 2/1/2004
Msg: 18 | |
| dating someone of another faith
Posted: 5/14/2007 3:50:24 PM | Dating...not an issue.
Making a family with....thats where problems would arise.
From a personal standpoint I couldn't date a devoutly religious person seeing as how I am decidedly anit-religion. | |
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| dating someone of another faith
Posted: 5/14/2007 4:27:05 PM | Nothing is 'fool'proof, Lol! I picked my future ex-wife by trying to find as many commonalities as possible, thinking that this would increase the odds that we'd make it to a ripe old age as a married couple. We have the same philosophy on religion, polotics, family, friends, ETC...
ROFLMAO!!!
I do think you should have things worked out the best you can when it comes to your differences before you get married though, but nothing is fullproof. | |
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Nergal
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Joined: 4/29/2007
Msg: 20 | |
| dating someone of another faith
Posted: 5/14/2007 4:40:20 PM | | ~I am amazed that modern day human beings still find it hard to accept others as their equals. No wonder some sites still see it as increduluous when a real person applies | |
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| dating someone of another faith
Posted: 5/14/2007 7:05:00 PM | This is one of the biggest hurdles to dating for me.
I am a Wiccan, and the sheer number of people that don't understand
what that means, or have already decided what that means is staggering.
I personally only want to date open-minded people.
I believe that there are open-minded people in every single faith.
But I haven't met any.
I have actually had women say "You are a great guy and I would love to date you....it's just...the Wiccan thing."
When I try to explain that their misconceptions are unfounded.....no dice. | |
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| dating someone of another faith
Posted: 5/14/2007 7:53:43 PM | | It is important to me that faith be a point of common ground in a potentially serious romantic relationship. However, merely proclaiming Christianity does not a Christian make. Thus, it is equally important to me that I can see my partner's faith in his life - in his actions, interactions, reactions, and everything in between. Not that he (nor I) will not fail in various ways in life, but I need to be able to see Jesus in him and in his life. That also doesn't mean that problems/arguements will not occur in the relationship. The idea that commonality of faith equals a utopic relationship is absurd. But, at the end of the day, I truly believe that a Christ-centered relationship is the key to a happy, healthy, marriage - at least for me. | |
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| dating someone of another faith
Posted: 5/14/2007 8:09:30 PM | I dated someone for awhile that was raised Jewish (but his religion wasn't really important to him). I'm Christian, and my faith is important to me.
The problem became, he liked to make fun of my religion on a regular basis. Needless to say that is one of the reasons we are no longer together.
I do believe it can work - but you have to have respect for the other person's beliefs. | |
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| dating someone of another faith
Posted: 5/15/2007 8:08:30 AM | What happens when the children are old enough to understand faith??? Who teaches them what? If they choose to become Christian, they believe that at least one of their parents is "destined" for Hell... if they become "other faith" then at least one of the parents believes that the children are going to hell... and blames it on the other parent.
I once gave advice on another website (I have a copy of that if you'd like it) to a woman who was stuck in this kind of situation... her husband was EVEN raising their children to HATE her! You believe that? He'd "pray" for her "salvation" over the dinner table, preach to them before bed and every chance he got that their mother was going to hell, and tell them not to be like her but to believe in Christ, etc... you believe that? It's some crap... but in nearly every situation I've seen where a Christian has a partner that is not Christian... there is some sort of similar struggle they have that totally destroys the relationship a few years down the road.
Can you imagine it if your spouse KNEW that you were of a different faith, you both had children together... and then your spouse raised the children to believe that you are going to hell???
Mixing faiths... not a good thing in my mind.
--Brandon | |
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| dating someone of another faith
Posted: 5/15/2007 10:06:02 AM | It is difficult dating another religion.
Dated a Muslim for a couple of years, and boy was there some arguments, about how I dressed and generally being loud (standing my ground). He even once stopped having sex, as the pray was sent out throughout the village!
However I did respect his village by covering up whilst I stayed there. (I am not the type of person to wear revealing clothes anyways) wasn't allowed to show any flesh, only hands and face, wasn't allowed to wear trousers, as this is only a man's privilage...at one time the temperature was hitting that of a 100 degrees and I had to wear t-shirt, jumper and leather jacket.. Attempted to take off my jacket, in a desperate fight to stay standing, and he was so angry with me to put it back on, that he was fighting against me in attempt to put on my jacket as I was taking it off. Also there is no emotion to be shown in public, even laughing.
It was a hard time, but an enjoyable experience nevertheless…
I did take him into a Catholic church and showed him how things were done in this religion, he actually commented how it was nice and peaceful, and that also I was never to tell anyone of him doing this….
But we often had long debates as to the way our cultures were so different, and often due to our strong beliefs it did at times cause friction. | |
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