| Are you more selective or am I being to protective of my own feelings?
Posted: 12/17/2004 10:53:27 PM | I am 38 and have had my share of relationships in my life. Some damaging and some not so bad. I know as far as I am concerned the older I get the more gun shy I get. Let me rephrase that the more relatioships I have been in the more picky or choosy I get. I know a lot of that has to do with the fact that the older I get the more I know about the women that I am attracted to and that I am more likely to have meaningful relationship with. That may sound a little strange but I notice the "red flags" women send up a lot easier than I used to. By that I mean I let the head on my shoulders do 99% of the thinking for me now days.
Anyhow for a long time I have viewed this as a good thing as far as maturing and giving myself the best oppurtunity to be happy further down the line. Unfortunately the thing that goes along with this maturtion is longer spells of time when I am "on the hunt" for that special someone. OK so I'll cut to the chase. My question to you is do you folks run into the same problems? Are you more selective or am I being to protective of my own feelings? | |
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| Question for the over 30 crowd.
Posted: 12/18/2004 12:39:57 AM | | Yes I am more selective now too. I see the red flags now as well where as a 10 1/2 years ago when I was dating a little and then met my now X husband I didn't see any red flags. I haven't started dating yet though. This is the 3rd personals site I have tried since September and I like this one the best because its free. I tried yahoo personal and match.com first and when I found this site I said forget those two sites cause this one is set up a lot nicer and has these chat forums and its free. So yes I could relate to this question of yours. melissa | |
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| Question for the over 30 crowd.
Posted: 12/18/2004 6:29:19 AM | go with the flow. yes your right about your feelings but dont always trust them.they will get in the way of you finding miss right.Not everyone is the same.Quit feeling sorry for yourself and say f-it.go out and enjoy the women and let the past fall by the wayside.dont be so worried about falling in love just worry about having a good time and enjoy your life and everything will fall into place.take care kevin | |
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| Question for the over 30 crowd.
Posted: 12/18/2004 5:07:39 PM | Yes, I found myself more selective too, but, once falling in love, I'm blind as always.
Though I do use more precautions to get myself less hurt if things don't work out. | |
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| Question for the over 30 crowd.
Posted: 12/18/2004 5:47:32 PM | | ...I wasn't sure if I was just being a snob or picky or selective. I think I'm just selective. I know what I want and I know that if I settle for less I just won't be happy. I am wiling to wait. In the mean time......I know I should stop searching so hard for Mr. RIGHT when "Mr. Good Enough For RIGHT Now, is down at the corner bar." | |
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Ruby_
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Joined: 7/10/2004
Msg: 6 | |
| Question for the over 30 crowd.
Posted: 12/18/2004 7:18:30 PM | This is my on the subject Slim.....As we get older, we become what appears to be more picky, but in reality we are more aware of our likes and dislikes because of the relationships we were in.
Disagreeable things we tolerated in previous relationships will never be acceptable in a following one.
What qualities we did like in those past relationships, moves them up the priorities ladder. | |
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99
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Joined: 12/17/2004
Msg: 7 | |
| Question for the over 30 crowd.
Posted: 12/21/2004 12:02:04 PM | We're more picky because we have more experience. We have delt with a lot of the games, we notice small signs that were once overlooked, and we are looking for something with more lasting qualities. Yes the inbetween times get longer, but the end results are better!
;) | |
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ousu
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Joined: 8/28/2004
Msg: 8 | |
| Question for the over 30 crowd.
Posted: 12/21/2004 1:49:54 PM | Ruby, well said: "As we get older, we become what appears to be more picky, but in reality we are more aware of our likes and dislikes because of the relationships we were in."
Before I was eager to "please" but I have learnt to ask also what I want.
Another thing I have noticed is I have become more liberal. Before I had quite hard criteria (education, background, age) but with time I have been asking more and more what kind of person the other one really is. I think with time we give up also social pressures (status kind of thinking). | |
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| Question for the over 30 crowd.
Posted: 12/22/2004 6:05:40 PM | I'm more selective, but then I have more chances.... I'm open to more things...
The advantage age gives us is the ability to see excess. It sounds like it's not much but it IS. You see if people's personalities are balanced or unbalanced and how they're like that... you see if relationships are the same. You acquire a sense of self that you didn't have before.
You recognize ol' dogs coming around to bite... but this time you get away. | |
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| Question for the over 30 crowd.
Posted: 12/23/2004 6:48:46 PM | with age comes wisdom..you know more about people...you have experience to draw from....you realize now that for a relationship of any sort to work you have to "work" at it... you are no longer expecting that magical realtionship..that allows you to live happily ever after with no effort..no compromise...no work on your part.... you come to realize your own faults...what you want out of a relationship...that is it more than what a person looks like that is important..(not that anyone here would ever have had relationships based solely on how beautiful the person was)... you know yourself better so you know what it will take to compliment you.. to make you a better person... to make your life better what you are looking for... most likely you have had relationships..and you have learned... you just need to make sure you reflect and take that knowledge into mind when seeking something knew...
I think also you are willing to look into knew avenues...places perhaps you havnt before... age becomes less an issue.. it is more the person...who they are....that comes into play | |
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| Question for the over 30 crowd.
Posted: 12/24/2004 4:37:05 PM | Waaaaaay too choosy missionary man.
At my age I just look for one thing; the ability to say "yes". Preferably loudly. | |
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| Question for the over 30 crowd.
Posted: 12/24/2004 5:57:45 PM | I haven't read any of the rest of the answers to this question yet, so if I'm repeating something someone else said, I apologise in advance.
In my view, and speaking from personal experience, some women (maybe more then I know) have been in rough situations with men before. True, not all the situations may have been bad, however, negative emotions are the strongest, and those are the ones that tend to push themselves to the forefront when it comes to getting back into the dating scene once again. The bottom line is fear. Especially if you are afraid to get in a realtionship only to get hurt again.
I find it difficult to meet and find a date for several reasons, however, this one seems to be the big one. Many girls I know my age are afraid to get back into the dating game again because they don't want to get hurt again. The "been there, done that" attitude sinks deeply in their psyche, and it's very hard to let go. These women pass up more and more chances at finding the right man and being happy, because they look at past experiences and, understandably, don't want to make the same mistakes again, even if those mistakes were NOT THEIR OWN!
It's good to be cautious, especially on a dating service such as this one, however, it's also good to take chances, and take things nice and slow. If a man is truely interested in you, he would be willing to go at your pace. It's hard not to let things stagnate this way, though, so at some point you're going to want to take further chances. One day at a time is a good route to take. Who knows?
You've heard the phrase "when two ships cross paths", well, in my case, I probably let a thousand ships cross my path and I was too afraid to hail them.
It's also not suprising that men go through the same thing, though in many cases, we hide it better.
I hope this helps some :-) | |
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| Question for the over 30 crowd.
Posted: 12/24/2004 7:59:40 PM | | So, I guess to answer further, since I just noticed that my previous answer is a little vague, I'm not so choosy, though I probably should be. It has been my experience that most women are. I've been able to pick up those red flags, to some degree, hence my long winded explination. Sorry about that..... | |
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| Question for the over 30 crowd.
Posted: 12/25/2004 12:21:33 AM | To me it has been harder to enter into relationships because of the past relationships I have had. I have been married twice, my second marriage was to the love of my life and he left me for another woman after being together for close to 11 years. I have had 2 relationships with live in boyfriends that went south after 1 year.
I have been single for 3 years now and must say, I do enjoy not having another "cog in the gears" of my life as it is now.
I do date from time to time. Unfortunately the men my age, older or younger that I have met are wanting very casual relationships or just want a bed buddy (putting that very politely) and thats not something I want for me or to expose my teenager boy to.
I have a lot of fear when it comes to letting another person into my life. I try to get a feel for them on the first or second date on how they would fit into my life or if I would fit into theirs. I usually know by the end of the first date if its a fit or not. Maybe I am too hastey or independent, too set in my own little world. Maybe my "picker-outter" is broken. Maybe I need to learn to "just be"...I have no answers....just questions | |
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ousu
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Joined: 8/28/2004
Msg: 17 | |
| Question for the over 30 crowd.
Posted: 12/25/2004 1:03:29 AM | justskippingstones, you sound like me :) My "dates" have been complaining me to be too independent but I see as a matter of surviving and self protection.
You said: "I have a lot of fear when it comes to letting another person into my life." I want to comment this one since this is something I have lately been thinking a lot. There is a song which says "-- but the loneliness will nibble the same hole in your heart." talking about being afraid of getting hurt. The life is a chain of decisions and I do not think one decision is better than other, they are just leading us on different kind of paths. And taking risks is better than stay in "safe"... in the latter one you will stay alone anyway, in the first case you have at least two options a) you will get hurt and be still alone or b) it will work :) | |
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| Question for the over 30 crowd.
Posted: 12/25/2004 1:16:42 AM | Ousu is right about the binary decision thing. Every relationship (or disaster) is made of lots of little choices. I guess the picker-outter gland has to be able to spot when a little decision is going to have a big impact. If justskippingstones has been hurt a lot in the past, then the little decisions will naturally enough seem bigger. Plus with child/ren involved, every decision you make on your relationship is also either a decision or else and impact, on their relationship with (potential) new partner and also on their relationship with you. And for me at that point, the warning lights go on, and I really go over everything.
hmmm then I follow ousu's way and hope for b :) | |
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| Question for the over 30 crowd.
Posted: 12/25/2004 4:07:06 PM | | For the most part Tim, most of us over thirty are about the same. Yes we are more cautious when it comes to entering into a relationship. We've been around the block a few times as they say. lol We do learn from our mistakes. Well most of us do. lol We all want to protect our feelings. Getting hurt doesn't feel very well at all. | |
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mysty
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Joined: 10/10/2004
Msg: 20 | |
| Question for the over 30 crowd.
Posted: 12/27/2004 12:51:16 AM | | With maturity and experience comes the knowledge of what traits you find attractive and what ones you cannot tolerate in another person. I can't imagine NOT being a whole lot more selective now than I was at 21. | |
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| Question for the over 30 crowd.
Posted: 12/27/2004 1:32:07 AM | Pick me Pick me Pick me!!!!
;-)
Hi Myst
~~Dragon Rider~~
In sadness, the Dragon walks away
Happy New Year Folks | |
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| Question for the over 30 crowd.
Posted: 12/27/2004 2:30:38 AM | | i think for me the problem, other than there's nowhere to meet people where i live except bars, is that i have raised my standards. i want something different from the same old sh!t i have had in the past and i can't settle for "good enough for now" anymore. i'd rather be alone than compromise on the big things. i am flexible on the little things, but i want a relationship where i don't have that little voice in the back of my head saying " this isn't going to last ". i just want a lot more out of a relationship than i used to. | |
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| Question for the over 30 crowd.
Posted: 12/27/2004 2:39:15 AM | Yeah, but the question remains... are you MORE selective or just better able to articulate what it is that you want?
I truly think that I have been looking for the same thing my whole life, but now I find that I am better able to communicate those desires in a way that others can understand...
I know what it is that I want in a woman, I have found several here that exhibit those qualities, some have one attribute stronger than another but those attributes are there. Still need to do some digging of course... but... the point is, I know what it is that I seek, and will know it when I find it.
~~Dragon Rider~~
In sadness, the Dragon walks away
Happy New Year Folks | |
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ousu
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Joined: 8/28/2004
Msg: 24 | |
| Question for the over 30 crowd.
Posted: 12/27/2004 2:57:33 AM | | I have started to wonder whether I have been making it in wrong way when looking certain qualities (ehi, my list was as long as year of famine!). Maybe it would be better - after all - face people as they are and give them a chance :) Dunno... | |
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| Question for the over 30 crowd.
Posted: 12/27/2004 9:09:52 PM | | Whatever happened to 'friends first'?...no matter what someones quirks r. Don't forget we're all snowflakes...varied and changing. Furthermore fear of what may have happened in ones past only holds the doors shut but if the flood gates remain open for friendships we can always choose to take it a step further......or not. In the meantime.....have sum fun!!! | |
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