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| | The Human SmorgasboardPage 1 of 2 (1, 2) | Do you think the illusion of availability of the opposite sex on POF, makes it more difficult to focus on just one person? If you are looking for a long term relationship, is it hard to make that decision? If so, what's stopping you from saying, "OK, I'm just going to focus my attention on this one alone to see what happens?"
The reason that I am asking these questions is that, I see both men and women complaining in the POF forums that they never get responses to their emails. Some emails get deleted without even having been read. I also know that many men and women are frustrated because when they do make a connection, quite often that person disappears unexpectedly, presumably having moved onto a more interesting "catch".
And, I'm not talking about a healthy sampling of what's out there. I'm talking about compulsive behaviour, about not making a choice because someone better might turn up if you do just one more search...
Also, do you find yourself looking at the profiles of people who you would never approach in real life, harbouring false hope and thus passing by someone who might actually be a match because they don't look as good on paper, so to speak? Maybe they don't look like a Greek god, with a glamorous career that produces big pay cheques. Maybe they're just the average John or Jane Doe. In other words, do you set your expectations too high and miss out because of it? | |
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| The Human Smorgasboard
Posted: 11/17/2005 3:23:37 AM | Sweet n Sassy, VERY good topic...I like it. Yes, indeed...and it seems that women have the higher end of the stick though...lol...they get like 500 emails a week (ask a certain central FL massage therapist lol) told me herself actually.
SO yeah, might as well be a celebrity trying toanswer fan mail. | |
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| The Human Smorgasboard
Posted: 11/17/2005 3:30:40 AM | Sweet,
I'm not sure why other people chat and leave. I've had it happen to me before, and I've done the same. Usually if I " make a connection" and leave it's because the other person feels a connection but I don't. Maybe after a few responses back and forth I've found something out about the person i dont' like, or even after that first meeting I dont' think we'll click. Your second question is true for me, sometimes after reading her profile of 'wants' and seeing that she's a Greek goddess, I tend to feel she's out of my league and pass by even responding. I also figure that women get about 10X more emails and she is probably overwhelmed. | |
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| The Human Smorgasboard
Posted: 11/17/2005 3:40:14 AM | I get so excited when a well thought out post comes out like this one - Is that a bad sign?
I think we are also placing logistical restrictions on ourselves as well. This is the first dating site I've seen where people are very rigid in terms of location. This of course lessens the proverbial pot.
The question you brought up (and it's a good one) is 'are we setting our expectations too high...
Obviously, I havent taken a poll of the POF cross-section, however I have friends on both the male and female side here as well as the email I have received. And the way in which men and women approach things are completely different..Not always of course, but here's what I've found..
Men, in general (the ones that arent perverted or whackos) will email women who sit within what they feel is their 'range' . They will automatically assume a specific demographic is out of range and head towards the path of least resistance..Are there 'average' men out there that will break rank and go after women of a 'higher caliber'..Absolutely, but we're discussing median here for arguments sake.
Women, however will go beyond what they would approach in day to day life. People they would never approach are approachable in this medium. It becomes an awkward situation for men i know who answer all email they receive. I know I personally absolutely hate letting people down and if there's a negative aspect to being on this site it is that. Now going back to my initial sentence, I think women understand that they are the dominant gender on this site as they outweigh us 3 to 1, therefore the opportunity to meet or raise expectations is a credible one overall.
I think overall we need to garner some perspective of things. Is there a compulsive behavior going on out here?..Yes, and I've experienced it often..The term, the grass is always greener couldnt be more relavent in this medium..It's easy to forget that we're all human beings here and on the opposite end of that computer sits another one. Some of the actions that take place here do not take place in real life because in real life, we are held accountable for those actions. On many levels I think this is deplorable.
I received an email recently where I emailed someone back after they emailed me (I hesitated a few days before responding initially) and she emailed me back again stating that she had already engaged in a different direction, and wanted a one on one relationship with this person online.. If nothing else, I now have the utmost respect for her in doing this. Why is she the exception and not the rule?
I hope if nothing else, this thread serves as a reminder to all of us that for each action we perform, there is an effect on another person. We have to remembe that the people on the other end of this site bleed, and cry and hurt and love and care...
This isnt an online game where the program shuts down when we leave...I hear the term 'well this is the internet' I've got news for you..In my field I was working on the Intenet before it was 'the internet' and our intentions were not to turn society into a bunch of sociopathic-type individuals who toy with others...
Ok, im done being serious..who wants donuts?.. | |
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| The Human Smorgasboard
Posted: 11/17/2005 3:47:55 AM | | No, not many to choose from. If I lived where you do there might be. That assumes they would give me the time of day. | |
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meher
| | Joined: 10/1/2005
Msg: 6 | |
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| The Human Smorgasboard
Posted: 11/17/2005 4:02:15 AM | | This is a great thread, and I completely agree with the first part. There are such an overwhelming amount of profiles to view, that I think a lot of people tend to dismiss most of the ones they see, and go for looks only. Both genders I think do this, and the fact that every page you land on shows 10 different profiles to choose from doesn't help this, IMO. I have to disagree with essene, for the first time, on the point you made about women going beyond. I can't speak for all women on here, just myself. I just posted on another thread that I email men who I would speak to in real life....once in a while I think hmmm they might not think I'm so cute, but sometimes they are the ones who surprise me and actually do! | |
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| The Human Smorgasboard
Posted: 11/17/2005 4:08:19 AM | | i find that if you talk to a woman on pof she is happy to talk to me, want to meet , but once you go to meet , set up date they back off, seems they are still looking for some one better on here , where i had stopped looking thinking i will see how she is in person before i make up my mind if she is for me and if not i would move on. | |
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| The Human Smorgasboard
Posted: 11/17/2005 4:11:00 AM |
once in a while I think hmmm they might not think I'm so cute, but sometimes they are the ones who surprise me and actually do!
Actually this has happened to me as well and it's probably because the other guys arent emailing her :P..yeah right...
But the part you disagreed upon was actually my point. Women have a more credible chance in increasing their expectations and succeeding due to the fact that they outnumber us by a high enough amount.
I dont want to be so shallow as to say it's a numbers game, but when you weigh the total population here it's like playing the mcdonald's monopoly game..there's 3 million Baltic Ave stickers but maybe 2000 Boardwalks..
Im sorry I made that analogy, but im craving a breakfast burrito for some ungodly reason.. | |
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| The Human Smorgasboard
Posted: 11/17/2005 4:19:54 AM | | I guess it boils down to beauty being in the eye of the beholder. | |
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| The Human Smorgasboard
Posted: 11/17/2005 4:27:55 AM | Youre absolutely right...
The more I read my post, the more i sound like a eccentric statistician... | |
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| The Human Smorgasboard
Posted: 11/17/2005 4:44:35 AM |
Women, however will go beyond what they would approach in day to day life. People they would never approach are approachable in this medium.
Wow, essene, this is so interesting. I have always believed the reverse to be true, and I think many women do as well. It should be interesting to see the responses here.
I think it is widely believed by women that men who are successful financially, feel they have an entitlement to more attractive women. This is why you will see a balding, squat, 50 year old man with a big bank role, pursuing a model calibre, 35 year old woman.
Women who are successful don't feel the same way. In fact, women can be successful and have low self-esteem. That is because we are conditioned to believe that our worth lies in the quality of our relationships not our accomplishments...whereas men take their self worth from their achievements.
Now, back to women choosing above their "level", so to speak, I think it is widely held by women that we as a gender tend to choose below what we could command. That tends to be wrapped up in self esteem issues. Even the most stunning woman will have some self-esteem issues and hesitate contacting a gorgeous man.
Perhaps other women will disagree with me. However, this is what I have seen in other forum threads, and discussions with my female friends. I would really love to hear more from both sexes on this. | |
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| The Human Smorgasboard
Posted: 11/17/2005 4:47:52 AM | PS...I'm sure it is intimidating for the average Joe to pursue a woman he deems is out of his league, btw. Still, because men don't seem to be as obsessed with personal body image as women, I do think it is easier for them to overcome their fears.
I have heard that the tables are slowly turning here, as men are beginning to be innundated with Adonis-like attributes of male models so prevalent in the media now. Those Calvin Klein underwear ads have done a lot to shake the foundations, so to speak. So, it could be a growing problem for men's self esteem in the future. After all, you can't all be a Markus Schenkenberg or Brad Pitt. (EDITED) | |
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| The Human Smorgasboard
Posted: 11/17/2005 4:49:19 AM |
I think it is widely believed by women that men who are successful financially, feel they have an entitlement to more attractive women. This is why you will see a balding, squat, 50 year old man with a big bank role, pursuing a model calibre, 35 year old woman.
I tend to agree, but I dont think financial value translates as well in cyberspace...Of course if we had a way to drive around in cartoon bentleys on this site based on our financial worth, that may change :P
Again, i can only go by what I have seen thus far and I'm sure we'll get answers across the board here...
Also, we have to remember that from behind the keyboard self esteem virtually increases..We dont have to approach these people in a 'live' situation. The hammer of rejection doesnt hit our thumbs as hard.. | |
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| The Human Smorgasboard
Posted: 11/17/2005 6:34:41 AM | If you are shopping and bringing your shopping mentality to bear, then you'll be comparing people, looking for which is the best you can get. But if you are looking to love someone you will notice what it is to be with them and whether you are happy being with them. I think it happens that when you're with someone and not quite everything is right, or all bases aren't covered, your interest remains on the look-out for someone else, someone who will overwhelm you and not just seem like you could make do.
In my past before I became the all-wise and perfectly adjusted love beast you see before you, I was glad of anyone at all who would show me kindness, since I figured my chances of anyone loving me were less than zero. That let me try hard with anyone I could get. When I realized that for some women I could actually be desirable and enjoyable, it changed my thinking and I became selective.
I find my appetite changes, that is, sometimes I want to sample many different dishes, and other times I want to eat only one. Oh look, a coincidence of the literal and figurative! How nice.
It creeps me out that people view themselves and each other as if they are shopping and being shopped for in turn, especially when it goes by looks. People aren't objects, unless I guess you objectify them. But then what kind of relationship is it? I don't see how someone can relate to another person on the basis of appearance and commercial evaluation. | |
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| The Human Smorgasboard
Posted: 11/17/2005 6:44:22 AM | Hey nice chin ...some really good stuff there in message 4...I skipped over the big words but I gots the gist of it
Over the last year I've invested some serious time in a couple guys. I find that I don't have the smorgasbord attitude (although it would be fun ... I should rethink that) and have probably let a great catch get away.
Of course the big one gnawed right through the line ! | |
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| The Human Smorgasboard
Posted: 11/17/2005 6:53:25 AM | Hmmm...I don't think there's as much availability on POF as others might, as it all depends on what one is looking for. I prefer someone closer to me so we can see each other at least once a week, so a long distance person wouldn't work for me - which is a real pain in the behind as there are a number of interesting men on here but they live pretty far away.
As for focusing on one, I did that in my last relationship, in fact in all my relationships - I've always been someone who can only date one man at a time anyway; so no, once I know that this is the person I want to get to know better, it's not hard at all for me to focus my attention on just them and see where it goes...If I like who I'm with I don't even consider that there might be someone better out there. While the grass may be greener elsewhere, it still has to be mowed...and I prefer the grass I'm on ;)
I also don't believe I set my expectations too high; we all have an idea of what's attractive to us - and one what sees as attractive another may not...I look for someone who has the characteristics I'm seeking first - as regardless of his physical aspects, if he has those characteristics, he's going to physically look pretty good to me. Also, having experienced the 'pretty boys' I've found that many of them have looks but no substance; I want more than that.
I don't contact many people, as most of the interesting ones live too far away, but I have contacted a couple locally that caught my interest...the most recent one didn't even have a picture in their profile...I just really liked what they said in their intro.
As far as self-esteem issues, sure, both men and women can have some that prevents them from contacting someone...I've had men in RL tell me I'm intimidating which is why they've hesitated to come over and introduce themself - guess between what appeals to them as good looks and confidence is intimidating to them...to me, how one looks is simply what you're born with, not something you chose, so they are what they are - they'll appeal to some and not to others...so basing anything on how one looks is kind of silly. When I was younger ad had less confidence, I might have hesitated to approach someone I thought was good looking, but time and experience has opened my eyes to a lot of things. Now, I wouldn't hesitate, but I also know that just because their looks appeal to me it doesn't mean their personality will. And if I get rejected I don't take it personally; they obviously weren't the right one for me ;) | |
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| The Human Smorgasboard
Posted: 11/17/2005 7:39:06 AM | I think that the OP’s premise is mostly correct. There seem to be two elements to a person’s “marketability”: perceived availability AND perceived self-image. In my experience, the greater either one of those two elements are, the more likely a person is to move on. I’m sure there’s more to explaining the behavior of the radical free ion but those two elements do seem to be key.
I don’t think this is an internet-related development however. I think it has always been a factor in human relationships. People who perceive themselves as more marketable have always been less fearful of moving on. | |
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| The Human Smorgasboard
Posted: 11/17/2005 7:43:21 AM | | Now that I think about it, I think there is a related phenomena; the monkey bar theory - i.e., the tendency to hang on to a failing relationship until you have a replacement. I suspect Prolib is right, it’s all about self-esteem. | |
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| The Human Smorgasboard
Posted: 11/17/2005 7:46:52 AM | If I become interested in a woman, I'm interested. I'll still talk to my friends on POF, but if I'm interested in a woman, I certainly pay more attention to her than anyone else.
False hopes?--No.
Expectations?--From a free dating site? Please . . . lmao. | |
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| The Human Smorgasboard
Posted: 11/17/2005 10:02:22 AM | Wow....great thread with some great responses. I really enjoyed many of the insightful posts.
To the original question, I think internet dating definately can increase your perception of availability and make it more difficult to focus on one individual.
In my own experience, I met my SO on another dating site just over 2 years ago. I was smitten from our first date and the primal chemistry between us was incredible as was the emotional and intellectual connection. Basically, it would be very difficult to find a more perfect match for me. Still, I continued to peruse the profiles on line for another few weeks. I did'nt contact anyone, but I was still compelled to look or "shop" as someone put it. I really had to force myself to stop as I feared that as soon as we faced any challenge, I would start to "shop" around a little instead of work on my current relationship. Now that I'm here for the forums I avoid checking out profiles, although I do take a peek here and there. I have been contacted by some very attractive women, and if I'm completely honest I will admit that it does sometimes trigger the 'what if' thoughts or the 'perhaps the grass is greener' feelings. I then have to take a minute and think of all the wonderful qualities my gf has and how it truly would be next to impossible to do better.
Still, it's nice to know that if she decided to kick my butt to the curb tomorrow, there are other available and accessible women out there. Perhaps that's my fragile ego talking, but the reassurance is nice. | |
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| The Human Smorgasboard
Posted: 11/17/2005 10:12:07 AM | @OP....
very intelligent and insightful as usual from you.
When I met people from online.... I never was of the mindset to date heavily
nor did I want to. I took each person one at a time and stoppped with meeting
all others when I met someone I liked. Unfortunately this did not happen often and when
I did like someone.... which as maybe 5 out of the 70 I met... within a week they turned out to be someone esle. A totally different peresonality than what they first put on. Also
everything about them changed
The guy saying he was stable, employed was neither. etc etc.
I feel many with the love and sex addiction (SLAA)are drawn to online dating and many
of them have been on the dating sites since they came around in about 95 or 96...
I don't feel my expecations are unrealistic..... so I can't answer the other questions.
I know many use the online dating sites as a fix... to a new love, new relationship, new place to live, new sex partner... and some double, triple dip.. lol
I don't meet people from dating sites anymore. Nothing but bad expereinces.
The theme song should be... send in the clowns.
If I was willing to leave my area I could maybe find a good match but I am not willing to do that right now. He would not be the typical guy on these sites. | |
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| The Human Smorgasboard
Posted: 9/25/2006 2:07:44 PM | I started this thread with my first profile almost a year ago. Yeah...I used to be Sweet_n_Sassy. Now I'm Cynical_n_Tired. lol No, not really. I'm just wiser to the online dating phenomena.
I've come to the conclusion that the Internet has changed the way we socialize forever and this isn't necessarily a good thing. lol Online dating sites present a human smorgasbord that is feeding serial dating, which is not so great for people like me who are seeking a long term relationship. It has become an addiction for many.
I begin to wonder if old fashioned dating is the only way to go. I really am suspect that once people discover online dating, they are forever changed....or at least a good percentage are. They begin to seek the rush of investigating new profiles and tending the hope that maybe this next one will be Miss or Mr. Right. It becomes an obsession. After awhile, it is virtually impossible to choose just one person to invest in.
Maybe I need to start hitting the grocery stores on Saturday night. lol | |
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| The Human Smorgasboard
Posted: 9/25/2006 2:32:40 PM | The Plenty of Fish axiom states that you need not worry about anyone in particular because there are always more to choose from. It's only when the fish stop biting or you get particular about what you catch that there is a problem. Then it doesn't matter how plentiful the fish are.
Remember Captain Ahab chasing down Moby Dick, the great white whale of his obsession? There were plenty of whales, but he was intent on the one, and it ruined him. Or maybe it gave him a sublime purpose that chasing ordinary whales couldn't have. In the end, did he triumph or flounder?
For me to take comfort in the idea of there being many women to choose from, I would need to imagine I could be as happy with one as any of the rest. Then if things didn't happen to go easily, I could easily replace a love interest with the next one handy. I think the lesson I draw from this is to obsessively pursue any woman, and make her my downfall, rather than holding out for one in particular. I am therefore looking for a woman who is not too particular. | |
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| The Human Smorgasboard
Posted: 9/25/2006 3:27:55 PM | Well, there is a difference between being obsessed with finding the white whale, and being obsessed with the instrument to help you find that white whale. lol
At least Captain Ahab had a personal investment in his whale. At least he knew what his target was. I think many people on POF are lost in a sea of whales and can't focus on just one. Each time they attempt to harpoon, a new whale swims in front and throws off their aim. The end result is that at the end of the day, the pod swims away unawares and the whaler goes hungry. Hah!
You know, I'm not belly aching that I don't get attention. I do. And I've met some very nice men on this site. But my reality is that I just don't trust the online dating process anymore because I think that addiction has skewed the rules. I know not everyone fits into this level of dysfunction, but a lot do and it's hard to tell who's who when you don't have all of your senses at play. ;-) | |
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