| So, am I dead in the water?
Posted: 12/19/2004 4:38:31 PM | Yes, I am a single dad.
My GF of 4 years has basicaly run like hell when he came to live with me so now I am single again. I have talked with my son with regards to the fact I intend to date but dont want him getting involved or most importaintly hurt (he was very close to my ex GF).
So now, Im checking this thing out, and sware that I must have cooties or something. Am I doing something wrong, or am I unrealistic about dating with my son in the picure unless its a gal with kids of her own and I am willing to merge families? I dont think im ugly, or uninteresting, but godd*mn. Its nice to know when a posts get deleted, but geez. And yes, my posts are pretty normal, usually a 'hi, read your info bla bla...'
And yes, this is all new to me to a degree. My 8 year old came to live with me a few months back, after multiple attempts to help is mom and step-dad failed. Im really grappling with all of this, and frankly its a sucky time of the year to be alone (whine whine) as he is back with his other family for the month of december. He is time consuming so I feel like I have to the end of the month to make some contacts, so maybe I am just pushing myself too hard. Advice, encouragement, anything? | |
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| So, am I dead in the water?
Posted: 12/19/2004 4:44:47 PM | It gets better man, Really!1 I have been on my own with mine for four years now and I really love it, yup there are loneley times and all the other miseries, but hell I had those when I was single anyway. Now I have a wealth of hugs and kisses and I dont have to send flowers....okay I still have to buy dinner and toys :)
Just relax a little and give you and your man time to figure each other out a little, the one thing a woman cant stand to see is a guy that is happy, it creeps em out and they have to step in and screw it up, as for the chick that left, your better off!!
It will be good , just give it time!!  | |
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| So, am I dead in the water?
Posted: 12/19/2004 6:20:14 PM | Social, you are not dead in the water unless you are wanting to live the free and single lifestyle. With a child you can't.. get over it... but there are alternatives.
You know, I'm reasonably new to these forums.. but this topic seems to come up a lot.. and I really wonder why it seems like men seem think that being a single parent is more difficult for them than it is for women? And yes, I know there are exceptions Ramcharger... but it still makes me laugh. Your successes in your single status are determined by you.. not your child.
Single parenthood is not a bad thing and it's not that difficult either once you get into the swing of it. And it could potentially work to your advantage once you get your head out of the 'single' thought process and get into the 'single with kids' process. You will find that there are LOTS of women who'd love to find a guy who loves his kids. Keep in mind that most women are fairly emotionally driven and that a man who has the capacity to unselfishly love his kids is a HUGE turn-on for many women. Even if they are scared to death to take on more kids.. they will often still be attracted to it.
And Ram's right in that you are better off without the bolter.... if she has that little character, it's better that she bolt now rather than later. Unless your kid is the child from hell.. any woman who truly cares about you would never bolt.
Just my two cents worth..  | |
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| So, am I dead in the water?
Posted: 12/19/2004 6:45:39 PM | I hear ya and know where your coming from. And its not that we think single dads have it harder than moms no one said that. But I know what he keeps running across just like a woman with kids does.
Hi my name is so and so, btw I have a kid(s) and thats the anchor, the last you hear from that person.
What most people dont realize, its just as rough for a single dad to find someone as it is with a mom.
But remember you are competing on these sites with other guys and Im sure most women here get alot of email so your at a greater disadvantage with kids.
My suggestion to you is keep trying here but your best bet is net working. Volunteer as cheesy as it sounds it works. Volunteer for habitat for humanity, church functions if you belong to one, Schools always look for Volunteers, there you can meet other single parents,
and just about every community (even my little town of 1700) has singles nights, check your local paper.
This site is great but not your only resource.
I take my hat off to you and any other parent, I know your pain all to well. Been a yr and a half for me. But there is someone out there for you dont stop trying. | |
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| So, am I dead in the water?
Posted: 12/19/2004 7:29:28 PM | Bravo Bonnie B!
And Casper you hit it on the head too.
The thing I like about this site is that we can all share and learn from each other and thanks to the admin and santas kewtie for gettin us our own space course she is not santaskewtie anymore but she gets a gold star from me!!
There is life out there :) and there are a bunch of us singleparents too. Its nice to have a haven to vent in and learn. | |
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| So, am I dead in the water?
Posted: 12/19/2004 7:36:35 PM | Wow.
So I need to turn my attention to moms now? I dont know if I can make that jump. 4 years with a LA celeb to domesticism? Never mind the fact I dont want to hurt anyones kids and Ill be d*mned if I let mine get hurt, but in my opinion a relaionship takes years to build to a point where I put faith in it.
Guess I have a lot to learn and a lot more to change, or just find other avenues for my need for companionship. No clue what those would be.
Maybe ill just be bitter and crotchety.
Well, thanks for the advice, even though it may not be what I want to hear. | |
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| So, am I dead in the water?
Posted: 12/19/2004 8:12:04 PM | | Come on, its what you make it. Dont sweat the small stuff. I dated rather high up on the food chain but honetley I really like my life now. I made it simple and I keep it that way. I sleep good at night and my kids love me, it doesnt get much better than that | |
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| So, am I dead in the water?
Posted: 12/19/2004 11:47:47 PM | | no your not dead in the water, being a single parent is hard work (for either parent.) and starting again is not always easy either, one thing I find that helps is be honest in what your seeking and keep the child/ren out of the picture until both parties are sure of where its headed, no I am not saying hide the fact that you have children but keep them at a safe distance for the time being. | |
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yna6
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Joined: 5/2/2004
Msg: 9 | |
| So, am I dead in the water?
Posted: 12/20/2004 3:28:42 AM | | You are one lucky guy. Kids can be "babe magnets".....and you will attract the type of woman who likes kids. YOu are doing great. No pressure....no time constraints...and good luck! | |
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| So, am I dead in the water?
Posted: 12/20/2004 4:55:15 AM | Yna6... It does not sound like he wants a woman who likes kids.. lol
Social.. no you do not have to "turn your attention to moms" now... Geez you are narrow minded. But Yna is right in that men with kids are more likely to attract women who like kids... whether they have any of their own or not. I, for example have had two long-term relationships.. 6 yrs and 16 yrs.. with men who were single fathers when I had no kids of my own.
But you are absolutely right.. unfortunately there is no place for the selfish lifestyle when you are a full-time parent. I'd suggest you come to terms with it or let your son live with someone who wants him full-time.
Sorry if I sound harsh.. but as a parent who would never, ever take back my "free" life over the one I have now, I have little sympathy for a man who is so lucky as to get full-time custody of his son and can't appreciate the joy of it.
BonnieB | |
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| So, am I dead in the water?
Posted: 12/20/2004 5:11:05 AM | | being a single parents is hard. but one thing that help me get through was knowing that this child who is mine, depends on me for its future, and life. that remains still. don't get down life will get better. good luck | |
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| So, am I dead in the water?
Posted: 12/20/2004 8:40:11 AM | B
I think you might be confusing protectiveness for selfishness. I mean. Ya its great someone likes my kid, but he has a mom, and dosnt need another one. He has had to deal with too much stress with the games his mom played and the fights there, to consider letting someone get close to him raises every red flag. Yeah, I am met a mom or two, and the push to get to know her kids can border on irresponsible. Why do that to a child when you have known me for all of 2 weeks?
I think letting someone into my life is one thing. My heart, my drama if it dosnt work out. How to you do that with your kid? Hence the delima. I have both the new situation with my son, and the new situation of being single. I want to date but am seeing a lot of girls run away at the news. I am leery about anyone who wants to be around my son, conversely, because i dont want him getting hurt.
Selfish? Perhaps. | |
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| So, am I dead in the water?
Posted: 12/20/2004 9:31:39 AM | Social..
Sorry.. I guess I was not very clear.
I was not, in any way suggesting that that your son needed to meet every woman that you date. Only that he is a consideration in your thought process when choosing the types of women that might be appropriote for your new lifestyle. | |
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nextou
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Joined: 11/28/2004
Msg: 14 | |
| So, am I dead in the water?
Posted: 12/20/2004 10:03:18 AM | I am a single Dad also & have found the same problem. A woman on an other site I'm on told me that beacause I have a ready made family,women are not interested. I don't know if this is true but that seems like a double standard to me!! There are way more single Moms out there than there are Dads.
Yes, Children are time consuming but don't look at it that way. Enjoy every moment you have with him & get involved with something with him(swimming,helping with school work,whatever...just be there) Before you know it,he will want to hangout with friends rather than you.
As for the women not replying,I wish I had that answer,but just remember you are not alone. If you would like to talk about the single parent thing sometime,I would talk to you as I don't know another single Dad & its great to bounce ideas off off others.
Anyway,I wish you all the best | |
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| So, am I dead in the water?
Posted: 12/20/2004 11:27:50 AM | "be honest in what your seeking and keep the child/ren out of the picture until both parties are sure of where its headed, no I am not saying hide the fact that you have children but keep them at a safe distance for the time being."
This is good osound advice and works. If the children are old enough you may want to open a two way communication with them. Get there feelings and feed back since a relationship impacts more than one life.
No you dont have to date moms, but isnt that a double standard if you just over look them?
Its a fine line for sure with kids but like everything in life its all trial and error.
And nextou, been there with a woman saying she didnt want a ready made family. Haveing older kids doesnt attract women either, maybe if you are still pushing them in strollers.
Ive even seen ads where they have kids but dont want any more again double standard.
For women though with kids its just as tough, since they dont know if the guy is there for a quicky or will it last. Some guys still think women with kids are easy, so they have to be on guard. | |
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| So, am I dead in the water?
Posted: 12/20/2004 11:38:09 AM | Hmmm.
Good feedback. At least i know I am not experienceing anything new, even if it is unpleasant.
Yes, it is a double standard, but really I dont want to mess with anyone elses kids any more than I want my own messed with. Its a lot of risk. I suppose that is why my GF ran in the first place, so I sort of understand it.
So, first question, is how long do you guys keep things seperate? I dont want a insta family either. Frankly, I think it takes years to really be sure the relationship is secure (and even then things can go south), but what is a good guideline to mixing child and lover? When is a good timeline? I have met gals that really started pressuring me to get involved with their kids in less than 2 weeks. YOW!
Next question, do you think it is possible to keep kids and dating seperate entirely? Anyone tried this?
Final, do you think it would help to state on your profile you dont want any child/dating mixing?
I am just trying to throw out ideas here. | |
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| So, am I dead in the water?
Posted: 12/20/2004 1:51:19 PM | yes it is poss to keep kids and dating seperate, since back into the dating scene again, telling someone up front that I have a daughter and that she is important to me and tell them nothing personal when they dont meet her right away when you get a feel that things might be progressing to a new level and your both wanting the same thing in the relationship you start to introduce the child, not forcing anything but a little at a time in a simple situation, but still keeping contact limited, this is not a overnight type of deal it takes a long time, it is a good way to gage a real response to your having children. this seem to be a ok way so far.
good luck | |
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| So, am I dead in the water?
Posted: 12/20/2004 2:32:02 PM | Interesting ideas hmmmmmmmmmm, I dont think I would ever put child dating mix in the profile. Simply because its hard to express yourself in words as it is. Each person reads a letter differently.
Ever read something and get mad then go back once your in a good mode and reread it and it wasnt saying what you thought? Typing words doesnt get the facial expression or tone in words.
Keeping kids and dating separate, interesting and sounds like a good experiment 
I dont know how that would work with out the other person feeling left out and second fiddle to the kids.
Timelines I guess each person is different since each persons tolerance for others peoples kids are at different levels.
What I do is let them know I have 3 kids living with me. Im not looking for a mother for them they have one. If they have kids I let them know I dont want to be a daddy but I can be a friend. Everyone can always use friends.
Thats a good way to talk to your child about when it comes down to dating. They would be a friend. Like the ur ex GF after four yrs leaving. I wouldve figured out a way to explain just like friends come n go. Childrens friends move in and out of schools all the time, this children can relate to. Other than saying daddies GF broke up with him then the child may feel they are to blame for another split up. So even that you have to becareful of.
Time line for mixing the dating and children..........well four yrs didnt work. So dont think she was in the right. You sound like you have your act together and Im sure youve told her that you have kids, before they moved in. She should have prepared or discussed (if she was mature enough not just meaning in age either) her role in the childs life.
Sounds like she has molded your way of thinking into dating and kids should be separate issues. Bottom line , its not possible. Either they mix or you wait until the kids grow up and move out (one of mine said he aint movein till hes 37 but thats another issue). | |
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| So, am I dead in the water?
Posted: 12/20/2004 11:09:20 PM | I know that the popular thing is not to mix your kids up with your dates and I understand the logic behind it.. but personally I really don't think its a big deal and in fact I don't really agree with it.
Yes, I always meet a new man the first few times totally on my own.. but my daughter is 12.. she knows I date quite a bit and with various men. I know both men and women who don't even want their kids to know that they date at all.. I'm not like that. In fact I find it annoying. I'm doing nothing wrong and I don't want her to think that I am. She knows that it is a casual thing.. and that I'm not planning to have them move in..
And once I'm confident that that he is no physical threat to me and mine, I have no bones about inviting him over for a dinner or to a social affair, even if she will be in attendance. Most often it's with a group but sometimes not. She knows that they are a friend.. no more. Between clients, neighbours and friends, people are always coming or going around here.. so it's really no big deal.
She sometimes notices that some man is paying a little too much attention to me, but she just rolls her eyes at that.. lol... She is confident of my relationship with her and is not afraid of losing me. And she knows all she needs to know about him and I.. she knows that he is a man in my life.. period. She does not need to know if we are intimate.. he would never stay over when she's home.. and he would not be here 'all the time' ... so she is quite comfortable with the whole thing. She is relaxed and friendly to them and they in turn get to meet her without facing fear and suspicion. I personally think that this is better for both of them because if for some reason he and she did not like each other from the get-go.. that is out in the open right in the beginning as well..
The other bonus of course is that the guys in turn get a chance to see the real me.. the everyday, average, imperfect mom and not just the high heeled fancy date. My plan for the time being is to stay single for quite awhile.. but if things did change, and if a relationship were to become more full time .. I think it would be easier for her to gradually accept that the friend is coming around more and more than to suddenly throw her into a situation where there is someone around all the time. And I think I'll instinctively know if and when it will be acceptable to allow him to stay overnight when she is home... I don't think there is a time line that can be attached to it.
Lord.. a glass of wine and a hot topic.. and I'll chatter forever..  | |
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Pixle
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Joined: 3/21/2005
Msg: 20 | |
| So, am I dead in the water?
Posted: 9/8/2005 2:59:41 PM | | I dont care what anyone says. It's still harder for single men to find women than single fathers. A girl just opens her legs and invites a man into her life. A man on the other hand has to compete and play games and try and convince the female that he is the alpha male. No in fact i just met a nice girl today at school talked for a while. Mentioned i had a child and she gave me a false email. Talk about pain i have so much love to give without even depriving my son for one second. Try dating a girl for 3 months and fall in love and find out at the end of it all im not what she wanted. Well if I didn't have my son i bet i would still be with her today. Give me a break women you have so much support and so many guys probably emailing you. I put kids into the picture it scares almost all of them away except maybe the ones that have children already. Single Parental Men Hat's Off to you. You know it's pretty tough sometimes not having anyone to be with or talk to after the child goes to bed. It took my x like 2 months and already she had a boyfriend and another child. Give me a break. Single fathers have it 10 times harder. | |
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| So, am I dead in the water?
Posted: 9/8/2005 3:27:01 PM | Wow this can be such a heavy topic..........and in a sense.........I have experienced it not only from a parentally point .....but from the kid point......back in the 60's my mom was an exteremly attractive, single mom.........who I am sure dated............did we meet all.........not at all...........a couple.............the more "special" ones.........did she remarry....absolutely......when did we meet him...........when she knew it was serious and going to last......lets face it......we know, we just have to listen to our inner voices.....how did my "mom's new husband" and I get along.........well lets say years and years later, when he past...........I was to make the eulogy (sorry if spelt wrong) but in it I expressed that God may have created me to another father.........but (mom's new husband) was my natural dad.......I agree.......that is a not the usual case......but ...........her listening to her inner voices .........knowing and choosing wisely, created a good life for us all.........No she wasn't trying to replace our father...........but to me it was one of life's little pluses.
As for me.........17 years single handedly........without emotional support or $$$$$$ support.....I have lived a great live with my kids.....when did they met my dates.....rarely!!! we had/have a fulfilling life, but thats not to say it is complete...........BUT as older children, guess who aids and bids me............right my 22 y.o. son and his younger sister!! sometimes we shouldn't look at what we're missing.......but all that we have....when it's right....it happens.........and thats not to say it doesn't get really frustrating, cause it does, but that when you look at all you have...........then carry on! | |
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| So, am I dead in the water?
Posted: 9/8/2005 10:29:21 PM | I think it is tougher for the guys too. When a guy hooks up with a gal that has kids, well since typically the mother is the caregiver already, it's not expected for the guy to take on a major roll in the day to day handling and caring. On the other hand, women can be leary of what they might be taking on and what their roll will actually be, plus additional stress factors if the kids mother is involved at all.
It takes some mature people and good communication. | |
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| So, am I dead in the water?
Posted: 9/8/2005 10:59:50 PM |  Awww, well you know what  I know Ive put my life on hold and stuff for my kids and myself till i felt we were ready for this change in life. I knew it wasnt gonna be easy but hey!! life goes on. And if I'm going to date someone with kids I have to take their best interests to heart too Just the same as I would wanna be treated 
All a person wants in this life is too be happy and to be happy with the one they love And I'm sure thats all our kids and loved ones want for us as well  | |
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| So, am I dead in the water?
Posted: 9/9/2005 11:54:39 AM | Using your kids as a magnet is not a good idea. Sometimes you can meet someone that likes kids but really don't know how to handle them. It is best to keep yout kids from metting them until you know if you want to keep the person around for awhile.
I learnt the hard way. I was dating a single dad of two. He had them full-time. So we introduced our kids to eachother. Now that we are not together my kids always ask when they are gonna visit. My daughter asks for him all the time. She informs me that he is coming to tke her to the beach. I think kids get hurt in the dating process hrder then the ones that are dating. | |
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| So, am I dead in the water?
Posted: 10/17/2005 9:22:15 AM |
I dont care what anyone says. It's still harder for single men to find women than single fathers. A girl just opens her legs and invites a man into her life. A man on the other hand has to compete and play games and try and convince the female that he is the alpha male. No in fact i just met a nice girl today at school talked for a while. Mentioned i had a child and she gave me a false email. Talk about pain i have so much love to give without even depriving my son for one second. Try dating a girl for 3 months and fall in love and find out at the end of it all im not what she wanted. Well if I didn't have my son i bet i would still be with her today. Give me a break women you have so much support and so many guys probably emailing you. I put kids into the picture it scares almost all of them away except maybe the ones that have children already. Single Parental Men Hat's Off to you. You know it's pretty tough sometimes not having anyone to be with or talk to after the child goes to bed. It took my x like 2 months and already she had a boyfriend and another child. Give me a break. Single fathers have it 10 times harder.
Even before I got pregnant, I dated a couple of single dads. I wasn't afraid of the kids (even when one of them is only 9 years younger than me) and ya know, they knew I wasn't afraid. In fact, they gave me more respect than they gave their own father. I may not be part of that family now, but I'm still friends with all of them, even the father. I don't think it was an aversion to taking care of another woman's children (she was out of the picture) I was just having a bad stretch in my life.
I definitely would date a single father... if one would talk to me and not mind that I'm 7 months pregnant. | |
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