| my son and my new b/f
Posted: 11/25/2005 6:10:37 PM | need some advice, my sons dad and i broke up about 1 yr ago we were 2gether for 15 years my son is 12 and we have a daughter 3, but i now have a new b/f ive been dating for about 10 months just recently told my son about him and he has met him a couple of times. i know i have to take his feelings into concideration but i cant let him rule my life either. he tells me dosnt him here when hes home ( my son is always home) my b/f has beennothing but nice to him but the other nite my son was very mad that he was here and called all sorts of names,, and god bless my bf didnt say aword cuz he knows hes upset that dads not here......... i love my b/f dont want to loose him.he told me i wouldnt loose him just because hes upset.....do u think he will get use to the idea?? because i want to move forward with him but scared to do so...PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME !!!!1 THANK YOU
JEN | |
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| my son and my new b/f
Posted: 11/25/2005 6:19:44 PM | your son will get use to having him around... once he knows your BF is going to be sticking around... it will be like if his father got a new GF... how would he react to that...
it shouldnt be the same... maybe your son and your BF should find a common ground as in a sport or something... and do it together... or as a whole family... but like i said... once your son sees he is going to be sticking around for awhile.. there wont be any issues.... just as long as they both know where they stand...
your son will also see that you are happy... and when your happy he will be happy too.... as he wouldve been old enough to see as to why your marriage broke up in the first place....
just give it time.... involve him in anything that is to be doing as a family... if he doesnt want to get involved... then that is up to him.. let him sit at the sidelines and watch... he might start to get jealous as yous are having fun and hes not .. so he will join in eventually... just dont make it a big issue... he'll come round in his own time... | |
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| my son and my new b/f
Posted: 11/25/2005 6:46:34 PM |
your son will get use to having him around... once he knows your BF is going to be sticking around... it will be like if his father got a new GF... how would he react to that...
Sorry, but I disagree. Some kids have an easy time accepting new people into their lives and some kids don't. This child is 12 and has a history and relationship with his dad. It sounds like he views this bf as an interloper. Because of his age, this could be a tricky situation and one that needs to be handled with care, diplomacy and lots of love. Personally I made the choice not to get involved in relationships while raising my son, however I do concede I'm in a minority when thinking this is a good thing. It was the right choice for me and my son though.
My suggestion is to find a quiet time when you can talk with your son about his feelings about this situation. Listen to him, HEAR him, be empathetic and validate his feelings. You may be surprised at how he truly is feeling, but then you might not. Do we let our children run our lives.....no we don't, but your son was here before the bf. He's 12 yrs old, not 2, so I can understand his feelings. In the end you will have to make a decision if things don't improve with your son. Maybe if you are serious about the bf, you can talk to your ex and see he he cant talk to your son and explain that it's ok that you date and have a bf. I guess this depends on whether you have a good relationship with you ex though.
It's a tricky situation for sure. | |
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| my son and my new b/f
Posted: 11/25/2005 8:20:31 PM | | This is the sort of dilemma that I've been on the other side of, being the new girlfriend to a man who has children. I don't expect to be involved in the children's lives, but if the man and I are serious, then after a certain amount of time, there are going to times when we are all in the same space together. I have always said to my BFs that I will not ask their children to be anything other than civil and polite to me as I will be with them, and I will not attempt to discipline his children nor engage in any sort of verbal altercation with the children or the ex. But, that said, your son needs to know that it is not acceptable behaviour to call your BF names even if he is angry that your BF is in the house. As a parent, it is your responsibility to let your son know what your rules for the family are; would you let him call names to a stranger on the street or the parents of one of his friends? Probably not. Your son has a right to be angry and upset, but he does not have a right to hurt someone because he's angry. | |
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*Em*
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Joined: 6/29/2005
Msg: 6 | |
| my son and my new b/f
Posted: 11/26/2005 12:03:07 AM | hi sweetmom :)
you say your son is 12..i have a 12 yr old daughter and i only know too well how angry they can get. remember..his hormones are just kicking in and he probably doesnt understand why he feels so agressive towards him. boys of that age are not very good at expressing their feelings.
all i can say is perhaps take things slow with the b/f. from your sons point of view..you were with his dad all 12 yrs of his life and its probably a feeling of loyalty towards him that makes him feel this way. also he's been the 'man' of the house for a year or so. go easy on him..its early days and any man comming into your life should realise this.
be firm but be kind. | |
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| my son and my new b/f
Posted: 11/26/2005 1:15:54 AM |
But, that said, your son needs to know that it is not acceptable behaviour to call your BF names even if he is angry that your BF is in the house. As a parent, it is your responsibility to let your son know what your rules for the family are; would you let him call names to a stranger on the street or the parents of one of his friends? Probably not. Your son has a right to be angry and upset, but he does not have a right to hurt someone because he's angry.
I agree with this 100%.
That being said, I think it is important to let your son know that the BF is not there to replace his father. Just because he is 12, doesn't mean he's stupid. Let him know you won't love him or his sister any less. | |
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marol
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Joined: 10/28/2005
Msg: 8 | |
| my son and my new b/f
Posted: 11/26/2005 1:38:53 AM | | you brought another man into his life 2 months after u left his dad...guess it takes kids longer to deal with that kinda thing? | |
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| my son and my new b/f
Posted: 11/26/2005 4:40:47 AM | | Marol....I was thinking the same thing! I have been on my own for almost 3 years now....I never even thought of dating until a year after my marriage fell apart. The ex took up living with someone 3 months after we split. Son is accepting of that..he is 17, but my daughter has never cared for it. As far as myself, I brought someone home about 6 months ago for dinner..this was the first man ever in my home..again, Son is ok but daughter who is 13 feels the exact same way the OP's boy does...hormones, yes I do agree..their life in upheaval with the many changes...definately. There needs to be a time of healing for all before things can move ahead...not an easy thing to do for sure | |
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| my son and my new b/f
Posted: 11/26/2005 5:32:52 AM | JEN,
this is where I make my argument that children should be introduced very early on.
An introduction does not mean continual contract, just an introduction, gives them time to be used to the idea.
You introduced the child now, you have an established relationship with the boyfriend. Somebody's going to get hurt.
Don't force the relationship on the child.
You made a choice to wait.
It didn't work.
Even though it could happen, I don't see the child's feelings changing and whether or not you do anything, he will end up destroying this relationship for you.
You should have been talking about new relationships from the very beginning.
We make our choices, we also must live within those choices. And sometimes it is not pleasant.
Don't force the relationship upon the child.
This is wrong.
If you choose to force the relationship, everyone will get hurt.
DragonRider | |
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| my son and my new b/f
Posted: 11/26/2005 7:54:51 AM | I guess it doesnt matter how old your son is. I'd like to know how it turns out. I guess your best bet is time and for your son to truly get to know your bf is to spend time together as a family. Or maybe a guys night out with just the two of them.
I'm actually going through the same thing. I'm dating someone and my son (almost 3) doesn't seem to like him very much. He goes out of his way to be gentle, loving and fun with my son. From time to time my son does socialize with him but it takes a lot to get there. Thank God "my friend" is patient man who loves children.
Hang in there.
Deb. | |
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| my son and my new b/f
Posted: 11/26/2005 1:37:18 PM | Marol, you're very astute in your observations. Also, a 15 year relationship doesn't segway into a new boyfriend after only 2 months. Mommy was most likely padding her nest well before Daddy was given the boot.
And Daddys little boy is probably wise to mom's ways.
Why would any child accept a new sex partner in their parents home which is suppose to be their safe haven. No respect for a child (which is shown through respect for the other person you made them with!) it's no wonder the boy doesn't like the new stud - he see's him as he truly is ... a mother F'er. This Dude is f'ing his mother!
"Here, Johny, here's my new boyfriend ( read sex partner to a pubescent teen )."
Don't want the little bugger to 'rule' your life!
Single parents should take their passions outside of their childrens house when their is discord - especially if the biological Dad is supporting his children, ie contributing to their shelter and upbringing.
How would you like the Dad bringing a young sweet honey and doing it in 'your' house? Been their with my daughters tramp for a mother. Sorry about the 'angry' tone, but when you look at things from different perspectives (especially from the child's) There's ALWAYS a reason for their responses - and I believe their is a time to rebuke - and for expressing oneself. Just as the son was when he was 'disrespectful' to the new mother F'er, coming into his house. The man deserved no respect. 15 year marriage with children and he's scooping up the pouty,, playing ready made family in a broken home that he most likely helped create. | |
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*Em*
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Joined: 6/29/2005
Msg: 13 | |
| my son and my new b/f
Posted: 11/26/2005 1:47:51 PM | "ive been dating for about 10 months just recently told my son about him and he has met him a couple of times."
do you not read?
wow..how nasty samhonolulu! if you have bitter issues..take them elsewhere, nothing she has said has made her seem a tramp. and after being in such a long relationship, she would find it hard to know what to do, having never been in this situation before. that is why she was asking advice. try a little more tact. | |
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| my son and my new b/f
Posted: 11/26/2005 1:54:52 PM | Ack, it's too late to erase...
obviously, my response is more a reflection of my anger and bitterness - as i don't know anything about 'sweet mom' or her situation.
no offense meant - just bitter and venting....
they should include a way to take back the rants and raves....
but i still believe what i wrote - when you're only
tool is a hammer... every problem looks like a nail...
aloha. | |
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| my son and my new b/f
Posted: 11/26/2005 2:55:11 PM |
you brought another man into his life 2 months after u left his dad...guess it takes kids longer to deal with that kinda thing?
2 months? Could have sworn she said she just recently told her son after dating him for 10 months. Granted, the word "recently" could be interpereted differently by many people, but 8 months would be a stretch. And where did she say that she left him? And even if she did, do you know the circumstances behind it? | |
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| my son and my new b/f
Posted: 11/26/2005 4:37:11 PM | marol,
also he was also in and out of our lives due to drugs and alcoho and now is in a rehab, so i think some of his issues could be with his dad aswell...... i gave him plenty of chances to change and he chose not to!!!!! so i lost love for him so yes it was easy for me to move on quicker than others. if it was just a break up over a fight then that would be differnet but this was a long time comming!!!!!!!! | |
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| my son and my new b/f
Posted: 11/26/2005 4:40:58 PM | DragonRider29 ,
i did make him aware of me having a b/f, my b/f had even taken him to a movive bought him dinner (not saying hes trying to buy his affection) my son had no problem with that, also my son suffers from adhd as well not useing excues but that could play a part as well. i would never force my son to like someone he is my priorty but at the same time i want to live my life as well, if i broke up w/my b/f tomrrow and later down the rd got another same thing would happen.... | |
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| my son and my new b/f
Posted: 11/26/2005 4:44:33 PM | samhonolulu ,
this has nothing to do w/sex to be honest i dont have sex with my children here never have nver will thats what sitters are for, but i should be able to have to over to watch a movie or dinner?? is that a crime? i think you are over reacting u are making it sound like i haev 100 differnt men comming and going and that is soooooooooooo far from the truth!!!!! | |
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| my son and my new b/f
Posted: 11/26/2005 4:45:58 PM | Emmã ,
Thank you for the back up i did just post basicly what u just said, and u r right he is over reacting his g/f must have dumped him for someone better!!!! lol | |
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marol
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Joined: 10/28/2005
Msg: 20 | |
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| my son and my new b/f
Posted: 11/26/2005 5:36:23 PM | Hey Sweetmom,
Sounds like samhonolulu is just a wee bit bitter about his own situation and needs to work on directing his anger to a more appropriate place. Kinda makes you wonder if his woman left him because he prematurely jumped to conclusions and blasted her with his verbal garbage too.....things that make you go, "Hmmmmm....." | |
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| my son and my new b/f
Posted: 11/26/2005 7:55:00 PM | Wow, you guys are tough on a person who has a different viewpoint! I don't agree with the anger behind samhons post, but he conceded that he made a hasty response that was...
more a reflection of my anger and bitterness - as i don't know anything about 'sweet mom' or her situation.
no offense meant - just bitter and venting....
they should include a way to take back the rants and raves.... We all have different viewpoints and perspectives on issues and it seems to be a common thread around here that unless you agree with the majority, your viewpoint will be attacked or discarded. How can any of us learn from each other in this manner. He basically gave an apology in a round about way, and yes he could have worded his post differently......lighten up......sheesh. | |
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*Em*
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Joined: 6/29/2005
Msg: 23 | |
| my son and my new b/f
Posted: 11/26/2005 11:37:08 PM | i understand 100% that people have different view points and everyones opinion should be listened to and respected..however, his first post was OTT to say the least and was inapropriate. when someone asks genuine advice you dont expect them to be put down in such a cruel manner.
he apologised which is pretty decent and he seems an ok guy. i was simply reacting from his first post. | |
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| my son and my new b/f
Posted: 11/27/2005 7:42:27 AM | | My last post was directed at the people who kept at him AFTER he redid his post. I don't know who he is, or what his personal story is about, but he realized he came off very strong and apologized, yet the sarcastic comments from some kept comming. THAT is not appropriate in my opinion. Yep, what he did was decent, it's nice to see someone admit they messed up. | |
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| my son and my new b/f
Posted: 11/27/2005 7:44:07 AM | | Totally agree with you Coffee! He did retract what he said, and that takes a lot for some peeps to do! All of us have our opinions. They may not co-incide with others, but, hey that is what makes us all different! | |
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