| How to discuss sex with a virgin . . . ladies help please!
Posted: 11/29/2005 8:13:24 PM | Ladies
This sounds improbable, but I have been dating a Chinese lady who just came to the US about 8 months ago, she's 27 and (says) she has never even been kissed properly much less had sex. My understanding of her culture (Chinese/Indonesian) confirms that this is considered 'proper' and intimacy waits until marriage (being human, I'm sure there are exceptions), and her manner certainly bears this out.
Assuming this is true, and seeing as how sexual differences were one problem leading to my divorce (I wanted it and she didn't, and pretty much anything other than the missionary position was 'porno' sex), how do I discuss this topic with this lady?
Now, I consider myself pretty normal sexually. I love the female form and enjoy most of the basic positions as well as giving and receiving (for a change, lol) oral sex. But, how do you discuss these intimate subjects with a woman who has yet to even experience the basics?
I am not wanting to rush her into sex (yes I am a normal horny male), because I really like her and see long-term possibilities, but the prospect of another asexual marriage depresses me so.
Comments . . . advice?
MajMike | |
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| How to discuss sex with a virgin . . . ladies help please!
Posted: 11/29/2005 11:06:05 PM | It's definately nice to see you have taken into consideration her customs regarding sex before marriage.
As for how to discuss these intimate subjects, I would suggest a book that the two of you could share. Something you can look at together or leave in a place for her to explore on her own.
Be sure to make her aware that you are willing to answer her questions openly and honestly and reassure her that all questions are welcome.
Good Luck
~t | |
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| How to discuss sex with a virgin . . . ladies help please!
Posted: 11/29/2005 11:30:03 PM | | I think people misjudge virgins far to often. Just try bringing it up, if a person is not able to express there veiws on sex well it is a good indication of problems in the future. Just because one does not have sex doesnt mean they don't have a good idea of what they want. | |
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| How to discuss sex with a virgin . . . ladies help please!
Posted: 11/30/2005 12:51:08 AM | Communication. Talk to her. Ask her what she wants, expects and what she is afraid of. Share the same of yourself. Get a room :)
If you have a little patience, it could be a very rewarding experience for you both. | |
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| How to discuss sex with a virgin . . . ladies help please!
Posted: 11/30/2005 12:58:19 AM | | The fact that you have her feeling sin mind is a good start. But don't ever try to force or manipulate her into changing her customs or what she feels comfortable with, in this case, having sex before mairrage. If you did, had it, and things didn't work out later, you would have taken away something very special from her and because of her culture, it means a helluva lot more to her than it does to you. If you can't handle not having sex before mairrage, then let her find someone else that can, because relationships need to be built on more than just sex. | |
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| How to discuss sex with a virgin . . . ladies help please!
Posted: 11/30/2005 1:16:55 AM | | If you're really for real, you've picked another one just like the other one. Ladies with fire, whatever their nationality, don't push a great guy away, with tales of propriety. The fact that you're here, asking for help from other than your lady, says you're looking to justify yourself into making a big mistake. | |
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| How to discuss sex with a virgin . . . ladies help please!
Posted: 11/30/2005 2:58:42 AM | I agree with the one that said virgins are misjudged, lol I'm a virgin, and I have no problem what so ever talking about sex, lol what I want, and ect. Just because we have not had it yet, does not mean we aren't interested/curious/think its important/want it. It just means we attach meaning to it, and respect the sharing of our body with some one special. You might find out that you have a tiger on your hands, lucky you. Just be open about your feelings, communicate, and talk to her. | |
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| How to discuss sex with a virgin . . . ladies help please!
Posted: 11/30/2005 8:21:28 AM | If you've been with her for eight months and she's come out and told you that she hasn't been properly kissed and what not, then you should have good enough communication and ask her how she feels about all of it. What her beliefs are, etc.
Express to her that you are very aware of her feelings and she'll understand! | |
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| How to discuss sex with a virgin . . . ladies help please!
Posted: 11/30/2005 11:29:48 AM | Mike,
Visit China and you will find the improbable, the norm in China for unmarried women under 30 and there are many of them.
I travelled in China and worked there for a number of years. Chinese views have been changing and liberalizing over the last 10 years but it is still a very conservative culture when it comes to dating and sex.
Perhaps like you, I wasn't well acquainted with Asian/Chinese customs when I had my first girlfriend. I pushed just for a simple kiss and that took 1-2 months before I was successful. I didn't know at that time just even a kiss was close to being engaged. I don't think I would have tried had I known that because ultimately I was too young and destined to return home without her. The point is that be very sensative to the fact that for Chinese, giving of oneself intimately and sexually only happens with the one they want to spend the rest of life with and is held usually until marriage.
Perhaps Chinese culture is old school when it comes to love, dating and sex. I have leared to appreciate it and embrace it. Although I haven't travelled back to China in a few years I still have many loyal friends their that I hope to see again.
Bana-dito | |
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| How to discuss sex with a virgin . . . ladies help please!
Posted: 11/30/2005 6:13:29 PM | shescomeudone
We haven't been dating for 8 months, she's been in the States for 8 months but we have been dating only about 2 1/2 months. Her English is pretty good, and I work at making myself understood, but I have no clue how to bring up the subject of oral sex with any woman I haven't even kissed yet.
This is not about pressuring her to do something she is not ready for yet, we are still talking about careers, desires for children, what I expect from a wife (partnership), and most of the other issues that comprise basic compatibility.
I just don't want to wait and get married and find out that she finds oral sex distasteful or sinful, or that it has to be pitch black in the room for her to disrobe, or that sex is a chore or duty. I do understand that we might have to compromise on some things, that's life, but I cannot bear to think about another near-frigid marriage bed. I want my next marriage to be my last, and I don't think I can do that if things are that way.
MajMike | |
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kmhstx
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Joined: 8/23/2005
Msg: 13 | |
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| How to discuss sex with a virgin . . . ladies help please!
Posted: 12/1/2005 11:03:54 AM | Ohhhhh ok! I'm sorry, I read that wrong.
I have to agree with the post before me (can't remember name- Kerry?)..
You can't walk on eggshells.. it's been two months. I would much rather be with someone who is going to bring up something on his mind than someone who holds his words back and worries about the matter. If that makes any sense.
I totally agree with your last paragraph.. marriages last with communication!
HAHA I've never been married! :) | |
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| How to discuss sex with a virgin . . . ladies help please!
Posted: 12/1/2005 11:10:52 AM | I agree with kerrymh....regardless of culture, you need to be able to communicate with each other about sexual compatability regardless of sexual experience. She needs to know, understand and accept your needs and desires if you are going to have a future together. If you feel uncomfortable in doing so then you just have had been handed your first red flag that there is a problem.
Most of the time, the communication problems lay within ourselves. We are taught to be embarassed about our sexuality and therefore have problems taking with our partners and giving them a chance to understand and communicate back. I know because I talk from experience...you are not alone dude.
If you are that concerned and find it difficult to build the courage to talk to her, go seek out a third party councilor or sex therapist that can help break down thoes inhibitions to communicate freely.
Bana-dito | |
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| How to discuss sex with a virgin . . . ladies help please!
Posted: 12/2/2005 5:33:58 AM | | I just wanted to say I do not envy your position...having come out of a marriage where sex was taboo.....taking on another, making a committment without even knowing if you are sexually compatible?? That I find, would be very difficult! Whilst sex is not everything, it certainly is an important part of a relationship for sure...I guess you need to discuss it with her to get an idea of how receptive to this she will be...Wish you the best of luck on this one for sure and hope it works out! | |
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| How to discuss sex with a virgin . . . ladies help please!
Posted: 12/2/2005 5:34:20 AM | | Seduce her! Roses, wine...all that good stuff, then give her a proper kiss. Take it slow and it will just sort itself out. My BF was a virgin when we started dating, and I found the best way to sexual intimacy was taking it slow. Enjoy the sensuality of deep conversation and simple flirtation. | |
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| How to discuss sex with a virgin . . . ladies help please!
Posted: 1/21/2006 8:18:14 AM | Just because I don't skydive, doesn't mean I would mind talking about it.
Talk about it; just don't use crude language. If necessary, get a book and learn the proper medical terms and don't use four letters words unless you need to say those words during sex. In that case, she needs to know to see if that is something she can accept. I'm certain I'm flexible and athletic enough that any position would be fine, but certain things I will not do. So if a potential husband has expectations unacceptable to me, I need to find out early so I can move on. Therefore, I'm open to discussing sex. | |
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| How to discuss sex with a virgin . . . ladies help please!
Posted: 1/21/2006 8:25:28 AM | major,
There are plenty of great videos that can help.. Some are interactive some more instructional.. Take your time and pic out the right one.. I know your urge may be to pick up Backdoor Beauties XXX and explain the plot to her, but I don't think it would be that affective. | |
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| How to discuss sex with a virgin . . . ladies help please!
Posted: 1/21/2006 11:31:21 AM | Don't bother getting into all the freaky discussions until you have at least kissed. I would say stick with philosophy in general. The nice thing is, many traditional/conservative women think they should do everything in bed that their husband wants. See if she looks at it that way, or if she is actually very sexually repressed/uninterested. Asian women tend to be very submissive, so unless she has issues she would probably be great in bed, assuming you have the balls to take charge (once she gives you permission). Discuss if she thinks sex should not happen until engagement (ring on finger, date of wedding discussed) or until marriage. I'm not saying that would give you an opportunity for a "test drive" but it would help.
Also, a 27 year old cherry could be hell to break. It could hurt like hell for her, and she may be afraid of that too.
I can vouch that in some traditional (old fashioned to us, like 1950 or so) countries, it's all or nothing. No kiss until you are in love, but once she says she loves you she may be at the point where she has decided she would say yes if you propose. After all, isn't love when you want to be with this person forever and make them happy? Once she says yes to the proposal, you may find out that she also has decided to please you as you wish. Ask her how she thinks men and women should treat each other in marriage, and see if you can find out how agreeable she thinks women should be in bed. AND forget how you have to act with US women, your China doll is probably not a feminist, nor overy influenced by feminism. She will probably want you to be in charge (once she decides) and then will hope that you remain kind. | |
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Enryk
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Joined: 12/15/2005
Msg: 24 | |
| How to discuss sex with a virgin . . . ladies help please!
Posted: 1/21/2006 11:33:11 AM | OK I agree with the points above about letting her know what you want/need.
But I sincerely think that is not the proper way to go about this.
If you are really after a serious relationship then build up as much confidence as you possibly can.
Mony Penny has 3 cents there (...I hate my jokes)
Seduce & Flirt everyday, but do not be all mellow.
Some people recommend to go forward and then retreat back, tease & hide.
Don't you worry, I've also heard that thing that "this is not the way we do it...".
Tease & hide, tease & hide, tease & hide and... if properly done,
believe me SHE will rape you!
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| How to discuss sex with a virgin . . . ladies help please!
Posted: 1/21/2006 12:02:40 PM | Speaking as a male virgin in his thirties, dude u gotta make that first kiss special for her. Make it feel as if that first kiss is something passionate and spiritual for you as it surely will be for her.
To her a kiss isnt something that she gives away everyday so just take that into consideration also. | |
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