| Should kids have visiting privliges with a parent that is an abuser?
Posted: 12/1/2005 7:49:12 AM | I am a divorsed mom of three and my ex husband was very abusive, not only to me, but also my children. My son, whos the oldest is now 9 and he has been asking about his father. We have not been in contact with him for about 4 years now ( it was my ex's choise not to.. he never botherd showed up for the custordy hearing). I want to know that since my oldest is now asking.. should I try to find his father and let my son visit him??? | |
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| Should kids have visiting privliges with a parent that is an abuser?
Posted: 12/1/2005 10:58:47 AM | | Well, I would say the father probably doesn't want to be found....however, you might put a slight effort forth, then have only supervised visits. But, honestly, I would try to steer your son away from the notion. He will most likely be more hurt and disappointed if he meets him and sees what he is really like, than to never meet him. | |
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| Should kids have visiting privliges with a parent that is an abuser?
Posted: 12/1/2005 11:09:33 AM | I would say a big no if there's abuse involved. IMO you need to protect the child and putting them together with someone who's physically, verbally or even emotionally abusive isn't protection. If my son's father was abusive, even the courts would have to fight me to the death to give him visitation.
Even if there wasn't abuse involved I'd be hard pressed to have my son visit his father if his father showed no signs of wanting him around. I think having no relationship with his dad would be better then a "revolving door" relationship where dad cares one minute and not the next. | |
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| Should kids have visiting privliges with a parent that is an abuser?
Posted: 12/1/2005 12:49:18 PM | | Hell no! I am sorry for your son because this does not sound like an easy situation but everyone will be better off if you explain things to your son. Be honest and tell your son that you are only looking out for his best interests and one day he will understand. You don't have to go into great detail just be very general and non specific. Good luck to you. | |
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| Should kids have visiting privliges with a parent that is an abuser?
Posted: 12/1/2005 12:57:32 PM | | Well if the father was the one who originally broke the contact then I think you should sit down with your son and explain everything to him and then let him decide if he wishes for you to try and contact his father. Let the decision be his, he is only 9 but I found with mine that they have some what of an understanding if you sit with them. If you don't want to sit with him and allow this then its all going to be on your shoulders, you know what this man is like what he is and isn't capable of and the final decision is yours if you want to have your oldest having contact with him. If you don't think its a good idea then don't do it and try and explain that fact and why to your oldest. | |
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| Should kids have visiting privliges with a parent that is an abuser?
Posted: 12/1/2005 3:49:29 PM | | I would say no. 1st the cognitive memory starts to develop at the age of 4. Your son may not remember the abuse, but seeing his father could trigger some unplesent memories for him. 2nd at the age of 9 he should be able to comprehend the situation and know that you only want what is best for him. Perhaps set aside an age like 16 or so, and tell him that if he is still interested in finding his father then you, will do your best to assist him. | |
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| Should kids have visiting privliges with a parent that is an abuser?
Posted: 12/1/2005 7:32:14 PM | My son's father was the same way, he made such a big deal about wanting 50/50 parenting while we were separating, and then couldn't be bothered to come to court! Even when I tried to contact him at work he "convieniently" lost his job just so nobody could contact him!
If your son is asking, be honest and let him know just because you have someone's DNA doesn't mean you owe them anything. Depending on his age, you may need to filter out some things but just simply let him know that his father was a hurtful man (or bad bad man, etc) and the reason he isn't around is because of that. Just let him know that he does have family that do love him and care for him and that there are many children just like him that don't have fathers and that's OK.
The other thing to think of is the situations of children living with abusive parents. Usually these kids are put into foster homes by Child and Family Services.....why? Because that environment is deemed unsafe for the child. I would be very leary to let my ex see my son ALONE because usually the abuse is even worse where nobody can see or protect the kids.
I know its a tough road to be down, but if you worked hard to get you and your son out of a bad situation (which is so courageous!), putting him back in it will only lead to him being hurt either physically or emotionally. Once he's legal age he can make that choice on his own, but you will know in your heart what is best for him while he's in your care. You or your son do not owe that man a thing right now! ((hugs))Take care and be strong! | |
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