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| Thoughts on Women and abusive relationships...[PLEASE READ THE DISCLAIMER]
Posted: 12/3/2005 4:21:42 AM | The question I have is simple: Why do women in abusive relationships continue to go back to their abusive boyfriend/spouse time and time again?
Recently, I befriended a women who was previously in an abusive relationship…she went on, and on, and on, and on about how he physically/verbally abused her, how she has left him two or three times before, but has continued to return to him. This girl was very attractive and probably could get almost any other man she wanted, but nevertheless, in the end she went back to the same women-beater.
Now, I have spoken to women with these issues, but never tried to pursue one, simply because I don’t need unnecessary drama…I am simply wondering why abused women seek sympathy when for one, they have the ability to leave him, first and foremost and two, they have the power to take legal action against him, especially if they are not married (which this girl wasn’t). If she is afraid of him stalking her, she can call the police, or purchase a firearm, if need be. She has the right to do either.
But, I have met so many women with abusive partners (partners who use drugs, cheat, physically/mentally abuse them, doesn’t take care of their kids/responsibilities etc…) who complain about their man, but then stay with them in the end. If that will be the end result time and time again, why do you seek sympathy? Why should I or anyone else feel sorry for you if you part of the very mechanism which brings about your own sorrow? Usually those who seek both empathy and sympathy had nothing to do with their misfortune…but, I for one, find it difficult to feel sorry for a beautiful, intelligent woman who lacks the inner strength to be done with someone. What is your take?
DISCLAIMER: I understand not all women run back to their abusive significant other, in fact, I would probably guess the majority do not. I am speaking about ONLY those who do go back and forth to their abusive boyfriend/spouse. | |
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| Thoughts on Women and abusive relationships...[PLEASE READ THE DISCLAIMER]
Posted: 12/3/2005 4:41:22 AM | It's most likely about cultural, economic, and personal issues. Among those are fear, the belief that they are a failure if they don't find a way to stay and "make it better", being beaten down to the point that they believe the things their guy tells them, and sometimes, their heart is still involved. Also, in the case of marriage/children, some believe that having a father in their childrens life/lives is better than "having no father at all".
I'm not willing to venture a comment about the "sympathy" question because I think there is more to it than our perception that they are seeking sympathy. | |
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| Thoughts on Women and abusive relationships...[PLEASE READ THE DISCLAIMER]
Posted: 12/3/2005 4:46:12 AM | | Depending on how long the abuse has been going on, there can be so many contributing factors as to why they stay. If it has been over a very long period of time, it's usually because they have very, and I mean very, low self esteem. They are in a trench that seems impossible to climb out of. They could have come from a family environment where abuse was a normal every day thing, so that's how they think a normal relationship is. | |
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| Thoughts on Women and abusive relationships...[PLEASE READ THE DISCLAIMER]
Posted: 12/3/2005 5:04:00 AM | | An abuser is all about control. An abuser needs to be in control to make him/herself feel better about themself. It might a case where the abuser has knocked down the self esteem so bad that the abused does not feel adequate enough to feel loved or wanted by anyone else. The abuser may have physically and/or mentally abusive to the point where the person has a hard time getting past the point of thinking, "No one else will love me" and stay with the abuser. Until the abused party comes to the point where they believe they don't deserve the abuse, and starts believing they are worthy of being loved by someone else, they will continue to stay in the abuse cycle. I was one of those women are finally got off the cycle. | |
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| Thoughts on Women and abusive relationships...[PLEASE READ THE DISCLAIMER]
Posted: 12/3/2005 5:29:40 AM | | The abuser is a control freak who will destroy the self confidence, self esteem, sense of worth of the person who he/she is abusing. The abused is destroyed to the point that he/she is made to feel that they are damaged goods and that no one else will want them. It does take an inner strength to get out of an abusive relationship, provided of course that the abuser hasn't taken that away as well. | |
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longte
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Joined: 10/18/2004
Msg: 8 | |
| Thoughts on Women and abusive relationships...[PLEASE READ THE DISCLAIMER]
Posted: 12/3/2005 5:44:42 AM | It is definitely a cycle
The cycle can be broken but takes a lot of breaking in a many instances
The main aim of an abuser is to allocate blame and hopelessness on the abused
If they do this well the abused person will continue to stay in similar relationships
The only way the abused person will break the cycle is by wanting to
Wanting to break it is not easy in many cases, simply because of the control factor that has been etched into their psyche
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| Thoughts on Women and abusive relationships...[PLEASE READ THE DISCLAIMER]
Posted: 12/3/2005 5:55:58 AM | Angel said it the way it is..
Also the abused woman thinks..If I just love him enough I can change him. The abuser is often very remorseful, weeping and begging for forgiveness..the abused woman, loves him and forgives him, she unlike him, can't bare to see him suffer. She thinks she can fix it and make it all better. | |
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| Thoughts on Women and abusive relationships...[PLEASE READ THE DISCLAIMER]
Posted: 12/3/2005 6:12:49 AM | CountrySugar gives a very good answer...
Sometimes,if the abuse is psychological,the victim might be made to feel that they are "unlovable",and feel that this person is the only one who can 'love' them.
Abuse can cause major insecurity about a person's self-worth.
Unfortunately,until they realize otherwise,the cycle will continue.
Case in point....a friend of mine was married to an abuser.We gave as much sympathy as possible,but she continued to go back to him.As cruel as it sounds,I finally ended up telling her that,as long as she chose to be a victim,she would always be a victim.
She left him shortly after..for good. | |
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| Thoughts on Women and abusive relationships...[PLEASE READ THE DISCLAIMER]
Posted: 12/3/2005 6:23:21 AM | ^^^^^^ Hit The Nail Right On The Head..
Sometimes they just need someone...a friend, relative to help them learn that they don't deserve the treatment. It's hard to break the cycle. Especially when the bills pile up, the kids are making it tough and it seems like the world is against them. It takes alot to find the courage and strength to break the cycle and and they need the outside support. Most abused women have been emotionally, spiritually, and physically beaten down to the point they don't feel they can make it solo and when the road gets harder outside the abusive relationship, they go back because it is easier then facing the unknown. | |
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| Thoughts on Women and abusive relationships...[PLEASE READ THE DISCLAIMER]
Posted: 12/3/2005 7:13:36 AM | There have been many very good responses to this thread.
As was posted earlier there is a cycle at work in these relationships. It is called the "Cycle of Violence".
1. The precipitating event - man blames woman for provoking abuse as an excuse for the violence. Woman blames SELF for not preventing abuse.
2. The acute battering event - may last several minutes to several days.
3. The immediate aftermath - man frequently quiet and calm - feels relief from tension. Woman aften dazed and immobilized with shock and/or fear.
4. The honeymoon period ***** - Woman enjoys man's attention and remorse: she feels quite powerful, flattered by his attempts to win her back...man is sorry - tries to make up to woman, begging for forgiveness, promises not to hurt her again.
5. The tension building phase - woman feels increasingly powerless, fearful, and hopeless as she does everything she can to avert a violent incident. Man enjoys feeling of control and power by stepping up intensity and frequency of abuse.
And on and on it goes...
It is very difficult to imagine why anyone would stay in this type of relationship. Often women who finally escape do not understand it themselves. Without proper councelling to work on what it is within themselves that has them seeking out the abusers, they are most often (but not always) doomed to repeat their mistakes. But why do women stay? Fear, shame, lack of understanding, feelings of hopelessness, guilt, and resignation. An abuser first of all "objectifies" his victim. In this way he can begin to justify in his own mind that the abuse is acceptable. Objectification comes through degradation, intimidation, isolation, coersion, and in many cases economic abuse (which is even worse if there are children involved). She may feel like she has no place to go. She may believe that in the honeymoon phase when he is so terribly sorry that he needs her and she can help him. He may threaten to harm people she cares about including her children (or he may threaten that if she leaves he will take her children from her - enter economical abuse now as well). She may well feel like she deserves the abuse..."If you didn't behave like this I wouldn't have to hurt you"...she has probably heard that often. Often a big reason women stay is the fear of being killed or seriously injured if they leave - odd that many don't see that that is more likely to happen if they stay right? Generally speaking, there is NO self worth left.
It can be difficult to support someone trapped in this sort of situation. If she is reaching out, it may be seeking sympathy, or it may be a fragile attempt to reach out to someone to help her escape when she has no idea how. I put my mother through this. A week before my mom got the phonecall from the police, we went for a drive and a coffee, and I told her I didn't know what to do to get away from it...I had told him to leave as I was done dealing with him and he would not go. All she did was listen, tell me that I had to do what i had to do, and then she drove me home.
There comes a time when the best thing you can do is assure her you will indeed be there to lend support and understanding IF she leaves, but that until she does that you cannot handle seeing her putting herself continually in the line of fire, so to speak. You can leave the door open if she should need it, but never hurt yourself emotionally over it. Exercise your personal boundaries on this one.
*Approximately 20% of women that leave an abusive partner experience continued, and often more severe, violence during and after the separation. (Canadian Social Trends, StatsCan)
*Woman who are being abused and think that they can change his behaviour need to understand....a behaviour can be learned in 20 weeks and will take 40 weeks to unlearn. Some abusers with councelling do indeed change their behaviour, but it is NOT the norm.
I wish your friend good health OP, and you as well... take care. | |
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| Thoughts on Women and abusive relationships...[PLEASE READ THE DISCLAIMER]
Posted: 12/8/2005 10:42:47 AM | Not trying to resurrect this thread, but I would like to point out that I experienced the same thing with my ex-wife. She was a control freak and would become extremely abusive, especially when drinking(she's an alcoholic).
Her favorite form of control/abuse was to tell me "For someone with a college education, you sure don't know nothing." and eat away at my self esteem by trying to make me feel inadequate.
I would leave, seeking safety and respite from her verbal and sometimes physical assault, but would return in the hope that it would get better. It never did get better. I finally left for good 3 months ago.
In saying this, I'm just pointing out that it's not just women that experience this problem. It can (and has) happened to men. Although men are more likely to not speak out to friends and family about it
I've done a lot of soul searching and research and have come to realize that this is a type of co-dependency and is deadly, both emotionally and physically. The spouse/partner being abused can either become the victim of physical assault (battering), murder or becomes suicidal because of the constant devaluing of their self-esteem. If you do know someone in this situation, support them and encourage them to get help and get out. Their very life may be at risk.
Just my .02... God Bless all of you! | |
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| Thoughts on Women and abusive relationships...[PLEASE READ THE DISCLAIMER]
Posted: 12/8/2005 9:53:58 PM | There are many answers to your question. This is only one. People on the outside of an abusive relationship only see with their eyes. Abusive men (and women) are hurting terribly inside, for whatever reason. And as the saying goes, "Hurt people hurt people. That's what hurt people do." But the biggest thing that people on the outside cannot see is that abusers have a highly refined survival instinct, even if they're not conciously aware of it. They are usually above average intelligence (Not neccesarily intelctual intelligence), are usually very charming, and can mimic genuine (positive) emotion almost flawlessly.
In short, in the begining the abusee falls in love with them. Early on (in the abuse) they tell themselves things like, "He didn't mean it." "Maybe if I try harder." "He's so nice to everyone else, maybe it's me", etc., etc., etc.. These thoughts/associated feelings become ingrained. And the cycle begins.
I feel like I'm babbeling, and not sure if I said anything. | |
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| Thoughts on Women and abusive relationships...[PLEASE READ THE DISCLAIMER]
Posted: 12/11/2005 11:05:58 AM | | very good advice. from experience- it doesn't always start out violent! and by the time it has escalated to that point, we believe the lies (ie fat, ugly, worthless) and when we have tried to hseek help, it isn't always there......i had to get it into my head (via my sister) that i was worth love and respect before i was able to break free. | |
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Ln
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Joined: 11/17/2005
Msg: 16 | |
| Thoughts on Women and abusive relationships...[PLEASE READ THE DISCLAIMER]
Posted: 12/11/2005 11:24:24 AM | And remember the key part here is that abuse doesn't always colinate into physical violence. Verbal abuse is devistating to the very spirit of someone. Most abusers begin very slowly and over a long period of time turn up the volume.
Remember your science teacher telling you what happens if you toss a frog into hot water, the frog will jump out...perceiving emminent danger. But, if you put the frog in cool water then slowly raise the temperature, the frog will allow itself to be cooked because he does not perceive emminent danger.
Same goes for Abused men/women. They desensitize their victim and escalate their abuse. And yes, some to the point of physical abuse. | |
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| Thoughts on Women and abusive relationships...[PLEASE READ THE DISCLAIMER]
Posted: 12/11/2005 11:25:08 AM | Shrinks have name for this.Borderline personality with a Narcissist or some such.Bottom line.She needs a mental health care professional to help her break her cycle,best thing you can do is point her to the nearest mental health center.There's nothing you can do and you're right,you don't need the drama.I just got flamed on another thread for offering these facts by guys who wanted to do the yahoo John Wayne thing and go beat up abusers.Whatever.I just don't have much respect for a woman who continues to go after abusive guys when they KNOW what they're doing.I knew this one girl who used to call me regularly and tell me the latest of what her abusive b/f was doing and this was the last time,yadayaydayada.Then she would run right back over to him for more and a few days later my phone would ring again.I stopped taking her calls and finally when she called me at work she told me that she had gotten to the point where she could not get sexually aroused unless she was being abused.I told her she needed to see a shrink.
Abusers should be executed.They are a waste of protoplasm. | |
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Ln
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Joined: 11/17/2005
Msg: 18 | |
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| Thoughts on Women and abusive relationships...[PLEASE READ THE DISCLAIMER]
Posted: 12/11/2005 11:41:20 AM | There's also one other thing that may have been mentioned (I just skimmed through and didn't notice it though). The most dangerous time for the victim in any abusive relationship is AFTER they leave the relationship. The various organizations that aid the victims in abusive relationships are finally coming to recognize this - if you honestly believe that your abuser will kill you, your children, your friends and your family (or any of the above) if you leave him/her - you WILL stay and put up with the abuse rather than face the graver danger.
And like it or not, there's a saying among abuse counselors - A piece of paper don't stop a bullet. It's very easy from outside the relationship to look in and say "Use the law, get away, you stay because you want to" - but in some cases the reality is that when you leave, you are risking your life and the lives of everyone around you that you love. And unfortunately, the newspapers are far more likely to publish the headline "Ex-husband kills estranged wife" than "Former victim escapes abuser for good".
Somewhat off topic: If you know someone who is in an abusive relationship who won't leave, the single most important thing you can do for him/her is to help them establish an 'escape plan' against the time they DO decide to leave. Encourage them to establish some kind of financial plan or savings, help them identify resources (safe houses, shelters, hotlines and others), and try very hard not to be judgmental. | |
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| Thoughts on Women and abusive relationships...[PLEASE READ THE DISCLAIMER]
Posted: 6/16/2006 7:06:50 PM | | You are absolutely right about having an escape plan. I'd like to add one thing. Before leaving, an abuse victim should gather all important documents, addresses, phone #'s, resumes, diplomas, and other papers, pictures you don't want to leave behind, some money and extra clothes, then leave them either somewhere safe or with someone you can trust. Make certain you have the only key to your car. Plan smart and stay safe! | |
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| Thoughts on Women and abusive relationships...[PLEASE READ THE DISCLAIMER]
Posted: 6/16/2006 8:14:43 PM | | Smilemaker52....I read many of these comments and to tell you the truth, in my opinion, you are the only one that I feel truely has a beginning of understanding this situation. Thank you. I stopped trying to make anyone understand may years ago. If you have not been in an abusive relationship, there is no way that you can speak on this. I don't care who you are and what profession you are in. To be honest, I don't want anyone to tell me why I married this man or even why I stayed with him. I don't want anyone to tell me what I should have done and I should have left or anything else. Each person is different and each person handles this in their own way. But thank you for what you wrote. This is very difficult for me to write, but I am getting there as far as speaking out. Now, I will keep my mouth shut. | |
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| Thoughts on Women and abusive relationships...[PLEASE READ THE DISCLAIMER]
Posted: 6/16/2006 9:10:09 PM | I just went throught that myself. Younger guy, I was in love, and after awhile it went badly. I gave him every excuse in the book and uh huh....thought I could "help" him.
We broke up, he kicked me to the curb and I had my choice of wonderful guys. Plenty to my total surprize and what did I do, as soon as the chance arose..boom, right back with him.
That was around March 15th only this time it was pretty horrible. Talk about verbal abuse, god, I never knew that someone could be so mean to anyone, and I like a moron...one of his favorite words for me stood there and took it for about 6 weeks. Then the bruises started. My arms. He would grab me hard and leave bruises, amazingly believing that the bruises were my fault too. After a couple of weeks of sleeping with my eyes open we broke up and I had to stay for another week until I could move. I ended up drawing a sword on him, telling him that if he ever hurt me again, I would hurt him permanently. He backed out of the room. I left a few days later. What is wrong with him? Either the guy is on major drugs, he's nuts or just very very evil. Why did I not leave him......simple, I really loved him. There is a very sweet part of him that I kept trying to salvage, to find etc. Thought that it was something that I could fix, well let me tell you ladies, YOU CAN NOT FIX THEM. It's not worth it. He had me almost beleiving that I was ugly, stupid and worthless. If you notice the control factors like, all of a sudden you find yourself seperated from family and friends, one by one by one and you find yourself in arguments but you are not speaking or you are afraid of him half of the time and waiting on him the other half of the time then pack your bags and go live under a box if you have too because it would be better than living the way that he is planning for you. Don't listen to his words and think, hmmmm.....what validity is there to this, have I really done something wrong? Is he right? NO WAY....look at him for his true colors. He's nothing but an insecure, wanna be man who is warped through and through. You can do better than that my friends as their are plenty of real men in the world and by the way, I'm gonna find one and cherish him as I know he will me. | |
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| Thoughts on Women and abusive relationships...[PLEASE READ THE DISCLAIMER]
Posted: 6/18/2006 5:17:46 AM | Working with Violent Women
Copyright © 1997 by Erin Pizzey
Erin Pizzey was the founder of a women's shelter in Chiswick, England, the first modern battered women's shelter in the world. She found that of the first 100 women who came to her shelter, 62 were as or more violent than the partners they tried to escape from -- only to return to their partners time and again because of their addiction to pain and violence, violence that they persistently did their best to bring about. Over a period of ten years, Erin Pizzey became involved with about 5,000 women and their children who came through her shelter. She has written a number of books on domestic violence, one of which, Prone to Violence, addresses the issue of women's abuse and violence. | |
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