| | I need advice/opinionsPage 1 of 1 | I need advice/opinions. I'll tell my situation and please let me know if I am making too much of this... This is a long story and if you are generous enough read it and let me know your opinion, I'll be greatly appreciative.
Recently, my brother's friend from high school came to visit from So. Africa. He was here for a couple of weeks over Thanksgiving and left last week. Just some background - when I was young, I had a crush on him (I'm setting myself up aren't I). He was here over 2 years ago and I saw him then for the first time since childhood. There was a spark. He and I kissed and fooled around a bit but nothing more than that. He admitted that he was attracted to me. After seeing him during that time for a single day, I was hung up on him for weeks. Couldn't stop thinking about him and wondering why he didn't want to talk to me or email me when he returned to So Africa. I had a hard time letting go...
This past visit, he emailed me daily a week before he came out and set up tentative dates. He agreed to go to see a band with me which I bought tickets for - he was unaware of this fact. The time he was here, he did not call me but he sent me an email telling me that he had lost my phone number and gave me his. I did not call him because I was hurt that he stood me up. I called my brother and found out that he was there. I was hurt and angry but I did talk to him and found out that he was leaving in 2 days. I gave him my number and told him if he wanted to come by the next day to visit, he could - which he did. He explained to me that he'd had to deal with a lot of problems with his mom - she had lost her job and didn't let him know. He found out the day he got to LA. He told me that he had to deal with financial stuff and helping her move etc. I talked with him until about 2 in the morning (on a weekday). While we hung out, he was flirting a bit, rubbing my back, playing with my hair, touching my leg. And we shared a few long hugs and short kisses. I don't know how else to say this but he makes my knees go weak. So, in your opinion, is he not that into me? Or am I making too much out of it because of my own feelings?
The long and short of it is, he asked me to visit him in So. Africa and offered to pay for my ticket. I'm still hung up on him, can't sleep and think about him a lot. Should I go knowing that I could probably fall in love with him easily and be hurt if he doesn't share those feelings? What the hell should I do? Give up? I'm so confused it's not even funny. | |
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| I need advice/opinions
Posted: 12/6/2005 11:50:47 AM | | Sure! Why not? You like the guy and maybe he WAS dealing with some stuff! Just make sure you have contingency plans for lodging and transportation if things go strange, because you never know, and you don't want to be stuck... Good Luck!! | |
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| I need advice/opinions
Posted: 12/6/2005 11:54:17 AM | Does he know how you feel or are you just giving him hints or subtle signs. You mentioned you have kissed slightly and fooled around years ago. However, he may be a little shy or a genteman who isn't going to make a move until he is absolutely sure. Anyhow, if his family has a lot stuff going on, that could explain a lot about his actions and or lack of action. Tell him how you feel. I have been in that position before, getting subtle hints and not knowing for sure if it is an act or for real. | |
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Posted: 12/6/2005 12:18:04 PM | | 2 years ago when we saw each other, I admitted then that I liked him. But as I said, he didn't email me after he went back. I haven't recently outright said anything about my interest in him because I admit, I'm afraid to. But, I was thinking I would email him and let him know. I haven't decided what to write. | |
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| I need advice/opinions
Posted: 12/6/2005 12:49:20 PM | Hiya Kate....
I think the best thing for you to do is let him know how you feel....maybe because he is going thru some tuff times it would be nice for you to let him know that you will help him thru it and be there for him....
Good luck..... | |
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Posted: 12/6/2005 1:14:25 PM | Oh no. I feel like I'm reading a page out of my own book. Sounds like he falls into the dreaded "String Along" category. He knows that you have feelings for him and he has some feelings (but not of the same nature) for you.
He tells you what you want to hear but he stands you up and lets you down. And just when you think that you're through with him PRESTO there he is, open arms and kind words. He knows that you'll be there whenever HE wants, for what HE needs when HE needs it - companionship, a shoulder to lean on, an ear to accept his words, an admirer gazing into his eyes filling his ego...
As far as visiting him in S. Africa? I wouldn't hold my breath until the ticket was in my hand. If he wants you, he can make the effort in this case.
I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, really isn't my intention, but I think you are dealing with "he's just not that into you". Find someone who will be there when you call, who doesn't break plans, someone who makes the effort to be with you. He's out there, I'm sure of it.
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| I need advice/opinions
Posted: 12/6/2005 1:47:04 PM | | So you think I should just see if he will follow up on his promise. The thing is that I don't feel like giving up... I haven't felt this way about any guy for over 4 years. And, also, we have never shared how we feel about each other. I just want to know once and for all how he feels. At least then I could let it go if I knew he wasn't into me. If I'm direct with him do you think he will be honest with me?? | |
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| I need advice/opinions
Posted: 12/6/2005 1:54:30 PM | | By the way, thanks for taking the time to write a post. I appreciate it. | |
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| I need advice/opinions
Posted: 12/6/2005 2:03:16 PM | You live in LA he lives in Africa. Honey, perhaps he's just afraid to indulge in a long-distance relationship for fear it might hurt the friendship (with minimal benefits) that you have right now.
If he wants you to visit him, it's an invitation to his world. That's interest in itself. However, talk to the man before jumping into anything. Ask him what this little trip entails for you.
He sounds like a sensitive guy. He has some family things going on. Maybe he was a little shy about what you had in store for him 
And we Solomon's here on POF can give you the nudge my dear, but you must take that first step yourself. | |
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| I need advice/opinions
Posted: 12/6/2005 2:12:05 PM | | hi kate''i think it sounds typical' typical in the way of love ' if you really do like him that much ; than do let him know ' this way you will both be on the same page . perhaps he has wanted to tell you the same ;but is like you ; a lil unsure'a saying i live by is ; when in doubt do nothing'; and look where its got me ; here on pof''do the right thing for you ; and him ; i mean you got so much to gain ' and really nothing to loose '; its either there for you both ' or its always gonna be a what if for you .i say grab your keyboard and type ' do it in a way thats very clear;; like geesh you know i still got those feelings for you ' all these yrs later' dunno how you feel' and then the so how do you feel ' have you ever thought about us ..... in a relationship? that kinda way' get right to the point' as thick as peanut butter'' you being hesitant could be putting empty time between you both. go for it kate '' scuff down a stiff drink and do it ' you want him ' and im sure he does you ' show him your not afraid of love ' that your welcoming it.good luck ' im crossing my fingers for you 'and plz let us know'''' | |
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| I need advice/opinions
Posted: 12/6/2005 2:29:27 PM | Hey Kate,
Bottom line....
WHAT'S FOR YOU, WILL OT PASS YOU BY !
Either grasp the chance of the trip and the possibility. Then, perhaps mention your feelings when you've more of a chance. OR ....
Be prepared for a no-goer and walk away with yer head high.
Both ways, yer still a winner...
Good Luck. | |
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| I need advice/opinions
Posted: 12/6/2005 2:30:22 PM | I'm not saying this to be mean, but you must be a little lonely to be worried about taking ONE trip and then falling in love with a man that lives one another continent. It rings of desperation.
Now, if you hadn't mentioned anything about your concern of falling in love in such a short period of time, I'd say go and have a good time. | |
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Posted: 12/6/2005 2:56:07 PM | In answer to Summer's comment about my being desperate - I don't think that's a fair thing to say actually. All it takes is to be with someone for 24 hours a day for a few weeks and I'll know... I have fallen in love that quickly before. I think a lot of people have had that happen to them as well. Most of the time, sparks fly right away and you just know.... There are cases where love comes on gradually, but I don't think that would be the case with him.
Anyway, just had to say something because I'm not desperate, just frustrated and worried that I might get my heart broken. | |
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| I need advice/opinions
Posted: 12/6/2005 3:12:45 PM | In order to love somone, IMO, you need to know just about everything about a person--the good and the bad. A few days, a few weeks doesn't give you enough time to know just about everything about someone. I gotta disagree with you on this, but what do I know?
Well, I do know that people throw around the L word these days like its candy on Halloween. | |
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| I need advice/opinions
Posted: 12/6/2005 4:26:43 PM | | Hi Kate. My gut says carpe diem and go shag him like he's never been shagged before. My heart tells me he would have made a far better effort tot see you while he was there if the extent of his feelings approached yours. The mom thing, he was here when that went on, right? That simply doesn't sound right IMHO. If you admit enthrallment and he doesn't take much action at all, as it seems is the case here, what's a change in time zone going to accomplish? If he isn't communicating with you after your revelation 2 years ago he simply doesn't share your priorities. If he springs for the trip, in good time too, then everything I've suggested may be but poor speculation. | |
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| I need advice/opinions
Posted: 12/6/2005 4:35:14 PM |
If I'm direct with him do you think he will be honest with me??
Yes. I have found that when people are asked questions directly then they answer honestly. I know I do, it's just... common courtesy? nice?
And once you get the answer you can put your heart and mind at ease - so much nicer to be in that place than in the "what's going on? what does he think about me? should I stay or should I go?" headspace (speaking from experience here - now if I could just take some of the advice I give..  )
So, long winded answer short - go for it! Jump in with both feet, let him know how you feel and get him to tell you how he feels!
Keep us posted on how it goes! | |
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| I need advice/opinions
Posted: 12/6/2005 7:51:19 PM | Hi Kate. Your story read to me like a fairytale waiting to happen. I would accept his invitation no questions asked. 
I think that if he is good friends with your brother that helps too, as far as I know friends respect each others family members and treat them accordingly. | |
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