| New Fish, Please Read
Posted: 12/7/2005 11:34:43 AM | Listen up all you new fishies! After swimming through all the complaints and whining, I decided to educate all you newbies on how internet personals work.
Step 1
Write an ad describing your hopes, dreams, and fantasy lover you expect to meet one week after posting this ad.
Step 2
Include photos of yourself BEFORE you were fat and/or bald. High school/college cap-n-gown photos work best. If you don't own a camera, post a hot photo of the celebrity you look LEAST like.
Step 3
Sit by the computer with a box of condoms or a wedding dress, whichever you prefer, and wait for messages.
Step 4
If you receive no messages, reword your profile correcting the 10 spelling mistakes you made. Don't forget to mention how wild and crazy you dream of being one day.
Step 5
Borrow a friend's digital camera, suck in your gut, and take half naked pictures of yourself. Or just take close up pictures of your face.
I forget. What are the other steps? | |
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| New Fish, Please Read
Posted: 12/7/2005 12:09:00 PM | Ooooh you forgot:
Step 6
This is one seems to be a popular one:
"I have 3 kids and they are the loves of my life so when you meet them I expect you not to flinch when they call you uncle".
Step 7
Be sure to include a pic of your cheesy car, the ladies LOVE that, plus it's hard to cart 3 kids around on the bus.
Step 8
Every so often, start a thread about how you are leaving POF because no one likes you etc., and then never actually leave. | |
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| New Fish, Please Read
Posted: 12/7/2005 12:30:17 PM | Step 9
If you're female, reword your profile to say how educated and introspective you are, but add a couple of bikini photos.
Step 10
If you're married, three words: deny, deny, deny!
Step 11
If you're not physically attractive, post cartoons or photos of your pet. Make sure the pet is attractive! | |
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| New Fish, Please Read
Posted: 12/7/2005 1:47:14 PM | ^ Yup, Worked for me!!!!!! 
Step 12: If you're a guy, post a thread titled "unread/deleted" to b!tch about how all these stupid girls keep deleting your emails and not responding to you. Or better yet, start one about how you're sick and tired of all the girls falling for the bad boys and threaten to become one yourself. (But then don't really become one, just keep whining about how all the girls are missing out on you, the PERFECT man.) | |
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| New Fish, Please Read
Posted: 12/7/2005 1:55:24 PM | Step #13 Always provide the wrong directions to the place he is supposed to meet you at and then ask him why he didnt show up after calling and confiming,, just to make sure he is ok with a meeting three hours away from where he is,,lol,,,
or even better yet !!
step # 14 once he has arrived after driving three hours to meet you, ask him if you could borrow a few bucks so he can drive you to the store ( because your car is broken) to get some cigs and diapers,,, and then become a totally uninterested person by staying on the phone the whole time he is there!! ignore , ignore, ignore!! | |
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| New Fish, Please Read
Posted: 12/7/2005 1:55:44 PM | 15.) Believe everything someone says to you. Blind trust is such an endearing quality, especially to the players and con artists on this site.
CoffeeNCreme...you make me laugh. I must be in love. Let's get married.
16.) Which brings me to the next point, don't hold back your feelings. If you feel like you're falling in love after you've traded an email or two...tell them. Then, call the wedding planner. | |
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| New Fish, Please Read
Posted: 12/7/2005 2:09:26 PM |
Step 2
Include photos of yourself BEFORE you were fat and/or bald. High school/college cap-n-gown photos work best. If you don't own a camera, post a hot photo of the celebrity you look LEAST like.
LMAO! | |
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| New Fish, Please Read
Posted: 12/7/2005 2:19:59 PM | 17.) Men: Make sure to talk about how horny you are, right off the bat. In fact, start to masturbate as soon as someone accepts a video conversation with you. Don't give them any warning ahead of time that you're going to do it.
18.) Still men: Make sure to make a reference to your penis in your online name, such as LongSchlong69. Just think about all the horny women who will be flooding your inbox with offers of sex. Yup. | |
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| New Fish, Please Read
Posted: 12/7/2005 2:26:36 PM | Step 19
Send out about ten thousand thoughtful, non generic emails to people you find interesting hoping that by doing so you might get a few replies. Then, shrug it off when they think you are a "player" or -- if your success rate is higher than usual -- do your best to juggle meetings with those who respond so that you don't get called a "player". | |
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Hezett
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Joined: 9/16/2005
Msg: 12 | |
| New Fish, Please Read
Posted: 12/7/2005 2:48:18 PM | Hey, check out:
http://www.plentyoffish.com/member1087298.htm | |
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| New Fish, Please Read
Posted: 12/7/2005 3:06:11 PM | @Hezett: Yikes! LMAO I didn't know there actually was someone with this name. I was not trying to give him free advertising. lol
The powers that be on POF...please don't beat me up. lol I really didn't know. | |
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| New Fish, Please Read
Posted: 12/7/2005 3:12:59 PM | Step 20) It is imperative that you have pictures of yourself talking on a cell phone "See? Ofcourse I have friends!"
Step 21) Always Always make sure you say in your profile......"I love to laugh!".. Being redundant is what sells! | |
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| New Fish, Please Read
Posted: 12/7/2005 4:05:48 PM | | Step 22: Make sure you have the phrase "No head games please" in your profile. | |
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| New Fish, Please Read
Posted: 12/7/2005 4:07:37 PM | 23: Make sure you specify that you're not looking for players or anyone on the rebound, becuase they're sure to pay attention to your request to go elsewhere.
(was that brought up yet?) | |
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| New Fish, Please Read
Posted: 12/7/2005 4:19:21 PM | For those with pics....make sure you mention in your profile that you are good looking because we can't see that for ourselves!! 
JJ
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| New Fish, Please Read
Posted: 12/7/2005 4:26:55 PM | #25. Be sure when looking for an intimate encounter while still married, lie deny and act surprised when you get busted by your new playmate/wifey.
#26. Also when you have some skeletons in your closet (mentally challenged/druggie/drunk/jailbird... lie/deny/act surprised again when you are busted.
#27. It's open season on the older ladies so be sure and make fun of them if you can't entice them to be with you younguns. Make sure and expound on how the geriatrics ward will be completely dead because they didn't want to be with you. | |
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| New Fish, Please Read
Posted: 12/7/2005 4:30:18 PM | Coffeencreme...
This has got to be one of the all time funniest posts goin!!
You guys crack me up
BUT IT IS SOOOOO TRUE!! | |
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| New Fish, Please Read
Posted: 12/7/2005 4:45:28 PM | Don't forget the phrase "I'm not into head games". If you leave that out, people might forget about them, and play head games with you all day long. Because we all know what's in the profile is written in stone. They are read and taken to heart. "I'm not into head games" or "Players stay away" sends the jerks packing, for sure. It also tells people you are no-nonsense dater, and that you have absolutely no issues.
Also a good phrase is "I work hard, play harder". This one is mainly for men. Because we all know girls don't work or play. If you forget that one, chicks might think you're boring, and try to outdrink you. No one wants that on a first date. You have to show them who is the bong king.
This has been posted, but I cannot stress enough, do not forget to brag about your boobs and/or pen!s. This really turns online daters on. Finding out if someone is sexually compatible with you before you find out their name is truly a blessing, and saves lots of time weeding out the undesirables.
It's a good idea to check the profile before you read the email, that way you can delete it before you have to read any worthless drivel coming from someone whose attention you do not want.
Follow these steps in this wise thread, and you'll be on your way to blissful happiness in no time at all! | |
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| New Fish, Please Read
Posted: 12/7/2005 4:48:52 PM | Don't tell me you were ignored? Sexy little you!! NOOOO!! What is wrong with those women! LOL! | |
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| New Fish, Please Read
Posted: 12/7/2005 4:54:38 PM | Sit by the computer with a box of condoms or a wedding dress
The wedding dress is cool with me.
Don't forget to mention how wild and crazy you dream of being one day.
if you promise me; I will get turned on.
Borrow a friend's digital camera, suck in your gut, and take half naked pictures of yourself.
Forget doing this. I plan on making you naked and breathless anyways. (I will also never forget the way you look)
"I have 3 kids and they are the loves of my life so when you meet them I expect you not to flinch when they call you uncle".
SH*T!!? THAT'S SO VERY VERY VERY WRONG!!
Heck ..even Emminem talks about two crazies in his song Mockingbird...and only ONE was mentioning an uncle..this is wrong.
If you're not physically attractive, post cartoons or photos of your pet. Make sure the pet is attractive!
Do that anyways; it shows you love that which trusts you...good stuff.
Um..SweetNSassy? (I'm sorry that you had to go through what you have)
*BIG HUGS*.....this sounds like a nghtmare. HECK: even "I" wait a month before actually PLANNING a wedding,....I think.
Tell everyone you hateliars cheats n gameplayers.......then tell the guy, or girl, you're seeing that your best friend says he.she is a player so you are going out with her to think it over..when really you are going to make out with that dude or chick from the bar last night
Heck....be a hypocrite and you'll be on the largest, most visual team...for sure.
and lose | |
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| New Fish, Please Read
Posted: 12/7/2005 5:02:38 PM | | #28- Don't spend all of your valuable time describing yourself in your profile. Don't write anything to distinguish yourself from all of the other women on this site. Who has time for that? Just write, " If you want to know more, then just ask". | |
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| New Fish, Please Read
Posted: 12/7/2005 5:18:18 PM | 30.) Never stop to smell the roses. In other words, never give up the hope that the next profile could be the one. Allow yourself to be distracted.
So, in accordance with step 28, I now have the hots for frrosty. | |
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