| The best new religion in the world.
Posted: 12/9/2005 8:16:34 PM | Under the direction of God himself, I am taking the liberty of starting a new religion. The Church of Honor and Genius shall be founded this day, Dec 9th 2005, so mark it in your calendar. There will be parties and days off work later. So here is the deal, the irrefutable truth handed down by God himself to me, so that it could be related to you in a digital fashion. Why you ask? Because he's God and he works like that.
Here is how the universe works, as related by the Honorable Prophet himself.
When you die, you get a choice of the afterlives you earned in life. True, this may sound confusing, but it makes sense. Hindu's get their Karma, Christians get their Salvation, Atheists get into a heaven if they sing the I'm Very Sorry song. God's rule on the Atheists, don't ask why. You can swap out if one sounds better than the other, but you can't trade up.
Bad people don't get to pick. All the people they seriously wronged get to pick for them. No eternity however, as this wouldn't be fair, the others in line should have a say.
And as it turns out, God is actually one, many and everything, so if you’ve been worshipping Celtic gods, the goddess/god duet, or whatever else, they are there too. Even the trans-dimensional octopus, who has been getting a lot more play recently.
Nobody cares what your intentions are. Only actions that benefit the furthering of mankind count. So what if you donated to charity just to get on the good side of that girl in gym class? There are a lot of motivations in life, and as long as your actions remain good and beneficial, you should get whatever you can out of it in social gains. It encourages others to do the same, and God likes it when people help people.
Homosexuals are cool with us. They keep the population down and decorating sense up. And yes, they can get married.
Life begins in the second trimester.
Legitimately purchased and legally cast erotica is also a-ok. God gave us the ability to pleasure ourselves so that the ugly and/or desperate would feel better.
Religious conflict is not cool. Since everyone’s religion is mostly right when applied to themselves anyways, the aggressors are actually wrong, or in a worse case, murderers. Tolerance and acceptance is the only way to be truly enlightened.
The only end of the world that could possibly happen would be caused by humans. We have free will, and God doesn’t feel like blowing up the universe he spent so much time creating. If we kill ourselves, he can always start again on another planet anyways. You know, like any one of the other alien races inhabiting the universe he started up.
If the power of God compels you to join the Church of Honor and Genius, feel free to become a founding member. It’s free. And you don't even need to leave your old one, since that one is right as well. If you get really inspired, you can add additional holy works of literature to be included in the final edition of our sacred text. | |
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| The best new religion in the world.
Posted: 12/9/2005 8:22:42 PM | Sir, I take it you are kidding right? I can go on and on about this, but this will not work as you may suspect and you need to repent and cool down and have a cup of tea.  | |
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| The best new religion in the world.
Posted: 12/9/2005 8:33:37 PM | Dude, Genius, I'm on board. Others can cool down, but whether or not "God" did the talking, you've pretty much got it all figured out.  | |
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| The best new religion in the world.
Posted: 12/10/2005 10:34:17 AM | what the ..? how did you get this by the forum moderator? My religion, superior to yours
in every respect, was nixed by the FM and sent to the pentagon where it flattened 3
colonels and a 4 star egg man. discipleship shouldn't be too hard, as you seemingly don't
require any genius or studious devotion on the part of your flock....just a thought, don't
let anyone like me into your ranks. | |
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| The best new religion in the world.
Posted: 12/10/2005 10:59:27 AM | This just sounds like B'hai mixed with Humanism and dressed up with Honorable Genius (which sounds reminiscent of Sub-Genius and there are no Gods before Bob.)
"Atheists get into a heaven if they sing the I'm Very Sorry song."
This, though, ranks amongst one of the funniest things I've read in these forums. It just about knocked me out of my chair laughing with the image it formed in my head. | |
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| The best new religion in the world.
Posted: 12/10/2005 11:37:32 AM |
And you don't even need to leave your old one
Yahy! Great Cthulhuwill be pleased! More cultists too eat! 
Sighn me up!
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!  | |
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| The best new religion in the world.
Posted: 12/10/2005 11:59:53 AM | The Bible says that "All of us like sheep have gone astray, Each of us has turned to his own way" Isaiah 53:6. In big and small ways, all of us have forsaken God and gone our own way, away from Him.
"As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world ...All of us also lived ...gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of [God's] wrath. But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions -- it is by grace you have been saved. ...in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith -- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God -- not by works, so that no one can boast." Ephesians 2:1-9
So from another man's thought to what a man can warp their minds around good, but all through the Bible God makes it clear that God offers our way to heaven as a gift. Rather than pretend that we are good people, He asks us to admit that we sin against Him.
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late™
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Joined: 1/9/2005
Msg: 12 | |
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| The best new religion in the world.
Posted: 12/10/2005 8:26:54 PM |
you need to 1)repent and 2)cool down and 3)have a cup of tea.
1) Nope, only you believe that is neccesary 2) It's like 50 degreees here. Brrr. 3) Done
Feral, SFL, Sweet: Woohoo! 3 members! Spread the word!
Wonka: Leave it to you to make me read. O.K., so it does sound a bit like baha'i, though I balk at the use of the phrase "It just sounds like...". I may try to refrain from using titles like "the Blessed Perfection" too. Perfection just sounds like a difficult goal to live up to. Honor and genius anyone can do.
Don't be too Atheist either, Wonka. Piss him off and God makes you do the Dance of Apology as well *shudder*.
And I thought you were going to say Islam
If you accept all religions, Islam is in the mix as well.
No question, not even the "Spagetti Monster" can touch
Darn tootin' | |
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| The best new religion in the world.
Posted: 12/10/2005 8:28:26 PM |
Feral, SFL, Sweet: Woohoo! 3 members! Spread the word!
Can't we be a secret society? Or at least like the "No homers club"? | |
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chinua
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Joined: 9/30/2005
Msg: 15 | |
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| The best new religion in the world.
Posted: 12/10/2005 8:47:36 PM | | Party at HG's place! I mean, um, "prayer meeting." Yeah. At the prayer place. You know, where HG and the beer are. | |
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| The best new religion in the world.
Posted: 12/11/2005 12:02:48 PM | | Since I'm already a genius you gotta take me in, oh yeah! The Church of the Genius and Fat Mattress sounds better though. | |
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| The best new religion in the world.
Posted: 12/12/2005 3:34:13 AM | OI!!! HG! Do we brits not get to join? You leaving me out for a reason!? There was me thinking this was the perfect new cult for me to join, but you go and exlude me!   | |
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| The best new religion in the world.
Posted: 12/12/2005 4:05:52 AM |
OI!!! HG! Do we brits not get to join? You leaving me out for a reason!? There was me thinking this was the perfect new cult for me to join, but you go and exlude me!
join away my friend | |
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