| When the girl wants to be "JUST FRIENDS"
Posted: 12/10/2005 1:39:02 PM | | Well I had to chime in here but I definately know what it feels like to fall in love with someone and never be loved back. I met a wonderful girl back in October 2004 and she lived 3 hours away from me. We would spend EVERY single day talking either on the phone or yahoo messenger and I would think about her all the time when I wasn't talking to her. I bet in the last year I drove 30 or 40 times out of my way just to visit her. After a couple of months I started to really fall in love with her very very deeply unlike any type of love I have ever felt so I finally told her how I felt and she said that she didn't feel the same way but really liked me as a friend very much. At the same time just weeks after we FIRST met she had met a guy who lives with his ex-wife. She goes on to tell me that she is in love with that guy but really cares about me and wants me to be her friend. So I've spent all this time still in love with her and going countless numbers of times out of my way just to spend time with her and hang out at her house. I've done so much for her that I could write a book but not once did I ever get any type of affection or anything in return and at the same time this guy she is in love with has not even done 10% of what I have done for her but yet the guy still lives with his ex-wife and she goes and meets him on a dirt road every couple of weeks in a secluded area just to have sex. I've tried to tell her that the guy is just using her and if he loved her he would leave his ex-wife and be with her but she gets super pissed at me when I tell her that and her response is "it's complicated". So yes....I definately know what it is like to love someone and have your heart ripped out and handed back to you. I don't know how many times I tried to end our "friendship" and walk away because she was hurting my feelings so bad and I felt like she was just using me but she would end up making me change my mind. Am I the biggest idiot on this planet or what...especially since I still talk to her, just not as much anymore. Love sucks...... | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 12/10/2005 1:50:25 PM | | I was reading another post from someone in a similar topic and that person said that if you ever have had sex with that person ("the friend") then it makes it worse. Well just to carry on with my story....we only had sex twice and that was the very first night we met. Like I said before...I never got any type of affection after that except she would always talk about how good looking I am and funny and yadda yadda yadda...but yet she loves another man?!?!?!?! | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 12/10/2005 1:53:28 PM | OK, I have one word for you.....WUSS!!
She's using you because you LET her! Women want a challenge.....they want what they can't have. She can have you anytime she wants you. So where's the challenge? You're not her boyfriend...you're her fallback position. What's worse is you ALLOW this to happen to you. You willingly allow her to play you like a fiddle.
You really want to know what to do? Stop doing things for her! When she asks you to come down, tell her your busy. Stop calling her every day. Stop IM'ing her every day. When she calls you, every now and then tell you have a call on the other line and HANG UP. Then DON'T CALL HER BACK. Wait for her to do so. Go out of your way to make her think that, like her, you have something on the side. You have a life. You have things to do and places to go and people to see. And if she wants to be a part of your life, then she's going to have to put forth some effort.
Also, the next time she needs something from you, DON'T GIVE IT TO HER!! Tell her "gee, that's too bad....but I know you. You'll figure something out." or "you're a rescourseful person. You'll find a way to make it work" something to that effect. When you do see her, take to a bar or club, then as soon as you get there LEAVE HER THERE. Go off and talk to another girl or 3. Make sure she sees you doing this. On the way home brag about how many phone numbers you got that night (even if you didn't get any....tell you you got some).
One last thing. The next time she mentions her other guy, make an excuse and either close out of messenger or hang up the phone. Do that EVERY TIME she mentions him. If she wants to keep talking to you, she'll get the hint after a while and she'll stop doing it.
You're the one in controll here. You have to stop thinking with your heart and start thinking with your head. It's hard as hell to do, but it can be done. You do this, and I guarantee you she will either a) leave you alone, in which case she was never attracted to you to begin with, or b) she'll suddenly see you as a challenge and SHE will start chasing YOU.
Listen well, young Padewan. | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 12/10/2005 2:02:01 PM | No, you're not an idiot. But get the h*ll out of there!!! And don't look back. Get out and meet some people to get you're mind off of her, you HAVE to move on!! Good luck & remember there's always another one around the corner. | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 12/10/2005 2:03:52 PM | | The sad part about it is I know I was being used but yet like an IDIOT I still let it happen but I went an entire month one time and didn't even talk to her and I do a lot of traveling with my job so when I was passing through the town she lives in one day she saw me and pretty much forced me to pull over and talk to her and of course we got to talking again and everything started back as the way it had been. Anyways, I appreciate the advice and from now on I'm going to be a cold hearted person when it comes to her. If she wants the other guy then fine because she is the one who is going to end up getting more heartbroken then I did one day since that guy lives with his ex-wife and if he truly loved her then he would leave her and then they could be together. What goes around comes around so I look forward to the day when this guy rips her heart out because then I'm going to just say "I told you so" or "awwww too bad" and move on. | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 12/10/2005 2:26:35 PM | | you sound a wonderfull guy..And im sure true happiness is just round the corner for you. Im sorry that this girl/woman has hurt you so bad but please believe there are honest loving women out there for you somewhere and were not all like her thankfully.. chin up dust yourself down , and yes i agree she will be in hearache too pretty soon . If she is capable off messing with guys when they have a woman then your best rid cause she wont stop at you or him.. EVER.. | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 12/10/2005 3:25:02 PM | | My main problem is how do I stop loving her and be just the friend she wants without her using me? Is that even possible? We get along great and she has such a wonderful personality unlike anyone I have ever met and part of me wants to be her friend and the other part of me hates her for how she has just used me all this time. It's a no win situation. | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 12/10/2005 4:19:27 PM | | I don't know if it's possible to be friends with someone you find attractive or have feelings for. No matter what she does or says, your mind is going to build a scenario where you get your mate, and in the meantime, you have to listen while she tells you about the guy in her office that's so awesome. She might even ask advice on how to snag them, and that won't be easy to offer. | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 12/10/2005 5:07:15 PM | You are not an idiot. You are a nice guy. You have good intentions, and she is indifferent.
When it comes to assessing whether I will be friends with a woman or not, I ask myself "what does this person bring to my life"? If the answer is that its distraction, then you have your answer.
Also, I have found that having confidence really helps you make your decisions. The reality is that there is only so much time in the week, and if you have your stuff together, women will be interested. And you don't want to waste your time on anything, personally or professionally. I am not going to waste my time being someone's emotional tampon, when I could use that time to be evaluating someone else as a partner or doing something else that has more of a building effect.
In this womans case, be confident, polite and just be straight. I have found if you stay logical, and tell a woman straight (almost like a business transaction), women will respect your guidelines and back off. If she does not back off, you are not being a jerk by ignoring her. She is being rude by not respecting your guidelines.
In general, you have to learn to be more assertive. Women need to respect men they are evaluating, and if you put up with their antics, they will not respect you. Be your own man, keep your eyes on what you want out of life. Stay humble, but you will be surprised how many women make themselves available to you once you develop that mentality. | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 12/10/2005 5:10:31 PM | Hi Cusack
It was probably not your fault it was probably just the chemistry wasnt there for her but she should have been honest with you and told you from the beginning instead of stringing you on for so long. Thats just cruel. Hope you find someone who appreciates and loves you cos you seem a great guy. Bye and goodluck CJ | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 12/10/2005 5:47:22 PM | Had to add this Cusack - You wanted to know how to get over her. You may never but you can make it hurt less............
FIRST stop waiting around to pick up the pieces when the other relationship ends. If she gets hurt she may turn to you out of convenience. Do you want to be her convenience? YOUR TOO GOOD FOR HER! STOP HOPING SHE WILL FALL FOR YOU when its over with him SHE WONT! What she will do is use you until someone else comes along and then you will be again standing on the sidelines looking and wishing it were you.
SECOND realise that you must never see or talk to her again. NEVER EVER .....You can not be friends. It does not work. Every day you get through without seeing her or talking to her is one step closer to surviving it
THIRD dont compare every girl you meet to her and how wonderful she was and how she made you feel......cos how wonderful was she really (get mad at what she did to you) if she was so great she would still be with you. If you do compare other girls to her or her memory ... it will ruine any chance you have to meet the person who is right for you
START MOVING ON TODAY
I have been through it and I just take it one day at a time | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 12/10/2005 7:28:50 PM | cusack! You landed yourself a female player who's as cold as they come.
What in the world is so wonderful about her?!
Nothing that you wrote about her is wonderful, no endearing qualities, to say the least!
And why do you keeping putting yourself down by calling yourself an idiot?...haven't you let her break your spirit enough, without you adding more salt to your wounds.
You met her in Oct. 04, slept with her right away, 2 months later you fessed up to being in love with her and it wasn't mutual.
The past 12 months she's had you wrapped around her little finger. And all you're getting out of it is a broken heart and you're calling it love.
She is smarter than you think. She knows very well what she is doing and she knows how to keep you from changing your mind and truly ending it with her.
You do everything for her.
You wait on her, you're her maid and she doesn't want to loose you, only because of all you do for her.
She's got it good with you, but not the other way around.
There is nothing loveable or friendship material, about a girl who screws around with a married man, in a car, on a secluded dirt road.
That's pretty low and trashy. Not too loveable!
You've got to respect yourself more than that!
Get over letting her intimidate you.
If she keeps hurting your feelings, making you feel so bad etc., then stand up for yourself and cut YOURSELF loose from this creature.
Love usually sucks with the wrong person. | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 12/11/2005 2:55:32 PM | OOOOOOO. I smell a bullshit answer!
From those in the know...top bullshit answers
"not sure if it's the right time for me"....bollocks they've lost interest
"just friends"....total crap, they can't bring themselves to say you were a passing interest
"it's complicated"....yet more shit you don't need, they have the issues NOT YOU, broom 'em
I'm sorry if this is not helpful, and I know that right now you will be hoping that someone can shed some positive light on your predicament. Hope springs eternal, but I'm fairly well versed in betrayal and relational breakdowns.
When people cut you out of the loop, they neither want your help nor you (my ex did this to me when her ex husband was mucking her kids about).
Hell I'd love to get all avenging angel on those who do this crap, but the best I can do is just give them a sour email...oh I'm really annoyed you people exist kind of loses all impact, bit like saying "I'm really a bit cross", or trying to level a city with a whoopee cusion.
So until the time where I can burn out the tounges of the liars, make them feel what they do to you, or better still turn them to a pillar of salt with a spread-fingered gesture of my hand, I guess I'll just case my angry little set of fantasy angel wings and grump about it instead.
They say you reap what you sow, and for the most part I've tried not to sow those sorts of seeds, have on occasions where the person didn't seem to be the person they were on line, and still felt guilty about it, and had it done to me in turn (so there is a cosmic sense of justice, but only to those of us who are affected by morality).
But sometime you sow no seeds and still get a bad crop.
My own advice is meet someone before it gets all too heavy and mixed up, see how it goes whichever way it goes, as that way it's not wasted time. | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 12/11/2005 7:18:06 PM | At least you got sex out of the "just friends" relationship. Me, when the girl says she has
the boyfriend, I just usually walk away and accept the rejection. | |
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cusack
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Joined: 5/30/2005
Msg: 18 | |
| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 12/11/2005 7:28:34 PM | | Yeah I got sex from her right off the bat the very first night we met. But what sucks is after getting to know her after that for over a year and even falling in love with her I never got anything in return. I still can't get over the fact I fell in love with her though all at the same time when we would talk she would go on and on about the other guy. I can honestly say without a doubt that I don't love her anymore mostly becaause she hurt me so bad that I would never be able to get over that and I've never been one to be hateful or venegeful but I'm looking forward to the day when she gets what she has coming to her and that is a broken heart. I don't think I can ever really be her friend either because I do still have the physical attraction to her and since we did have sex even now after all this time when I do get around her I want to jump her bones...that's the lust factor kicking in. Besides, why should I be her friend when all she did was use me for someone to dump her problems onto? Love is a strange thing because I would have done anything in this world for her. Oh well...her loss. There are plenty of other women out there in this world. The time has come to move on. I really do appreciate everyone's advice and it has made me feel much much better. | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 12/11/2005 7:42:06 PM | | All I can say bro is grow some sacks. Dont ever let ANYONE treat you like this. If your not getting anything back ie. love, affection, move on. Not even worth friendship to me. I never make my ex's my friends. It didnt work in the relationship, why would it work as friends. | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 12/11/2005 9:18:47 PM | | Your wright the same thing has happen to me, I fell in love with a friend an we connected so well togther. But one night she went out with some friends an found a guy that turned her on an she started to date him. Then after awhile they broke up an she wanted to make thing's right with me an we started seeing eachother again an guess what. She did it to me again ,so I just give up on her she only wanted me for herself when she was alone an needed me to do all her stuff around the house or fix her car. We only slept togther once an it was great but she told me the next day that she only wanted to be my friend again. an she did not want to be in a relationship with me so i told her good bye an i have not spoken to her since. | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 12/11/2005 10:13:30 PM | Listen, if the girl really wants to be friends, don't spit on that. So you have feelings for her? Well, that's stupid. Next time, don't have feelings for the girl. When she gives you the friends routine, take her up on it, with confidence. Then move on and look for a girlfriend elsewhere.
Do have friends who are girls! Use them to become comfortable around women. They can help you.
Go out with that friends-only girl, as friends. And while you are out, hit on women! You and her are just friends, so there is nothing wrong with that.
Notice the difference between hitting on women when you are out with one, versus when you are alone.
And who knows, maybe it will even drive your "friend" crazy enough that she will eventually cave in and start wanting you. She will see all these women flirting with you and liking you. And you know how chicks want what others want. At that point, play hard to get a little bit, on the pretense of trying to do your best to uphold your side of the "friends only" pact, whereas she's the bad one. | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 12/12/2005 4:12:27 AM | | The concept of friends varies greatly between men and women. To men, a friend is a buddy who'll watch football, f*rt, drink beer, talk trash about NASCAR, you know, conventional male behaviors and topics. A woman wants a friend who'll discuss their feelings, offer support over problems, etc. That's my basis for believing women don't make good friends; their "friend" needs are different from ours. | |
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| When the girl wants to be JUST FRIENDS
Posted: 12/12/2005 4:43:39 AM | still lives with his ex-wife
Maybe you are an idiot but not the biggest one on the planet. That crowing glory has to go to the girl your in love with. At least your not getting used for sex on a dirt road like she is... Think better of yourself and get the hell out of dodge and away from her if he is using her like that I am sure he has a stable of women that have fallen for his line of BULL... Also I would wonder if it is truly his ex's or he is just a bigger slime ball than she is saying. Good luck | |
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