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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Dating Someone Who's Divorce Isn't Final Yet...      Home login  
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 JesterBud
Joined: 8/8/2005
Msg: 1
Dating Someone Who's Divorce Isn't Final Yet...Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
What's your opinion on dating someone who's divorce isn 't final, or hasn't been filed,
they claim they're getting a divorce, or are seperated.???
 kissygurl
Joined: 11/13/2005
Msg: 2
Dating Someone Who's Divorce Isn't Final Yet...
Posted: 12/10/2005 9:11:25 PM
Just from my own experience, don't do it. They usually still have lotsa of baggage and issues, whether it be anger, sadness, or whatever. Too many other people out there who are totally free. Good luck.
 cutemom2005
Joined: 11/21/2005
Msg: 3
Dating Someone Who's Divorce Isn't Final Yet...
Posted: 12/10/2005 9:16:14 PM
DON'T DO IT, it always only leads to disaster, i speak from my own experiences more than one even, i'm pretty sure i've learned my lesson, i will no longer be the girl sitting around waiting or talking about how, "he's going to leave her soon, he swears!" lol, at least 8 out of 10 times it'll never happen, you'll waste precious time and energy,
There are plenty of us actual single and divorced women out there just as good, if not better, don't waste your time...
 Coastergal
Joined: 7/24/2005
Msg: 4
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History
Dating Someone Who's Divorce Isn't Final Yet...
Posted: 12/10/2005 9:24:08 PM
Ben there.. done that..... DON'T want to ever do it again!

If they haven't filed.... there's still a bunch of bs to deal with!
If they have filed.. it isn't done until it's done.

I dated someone that he said.. they've been seperated longer then they were married... had an adorable 3 year old son... but it was just too weird.. too much stuff with her kept comming up.... They are in the middle of a storm.. and may not actually be 100% emotionally available for a relationship!

Best of luck to you!
 arri
Joined: 10/5/2005
Msg: 5
Dating Someone Who's Divorce Isn't Final Yet...
Posted: 12/10/2005 9:26:52 PM
Count your blessings .. you have a great excuse to dodge the commitment conversation
 poekie1970
Joined: 12/2/2005
Msg: 6
Dating Someone Who's Divorce Isn't Final Yet...
Posted: 12/10/2005 11:38:58 PM
Dont do it. I have done it once in my life...

And after a month or so she went back to her husband lmao

They were just seperated and he had left her. I heard a month long that she hated him, never wanted him back, wanted me, loved me, wanted a family with me...(I knew her already a year when her husband left her)

Then he came back, they talked..and are still married today...and I am happy for them

But, better to wait...then to have the same thing.

Was LONG time ago though...now I can laugh about it...not then lol
 smitten2meetu
Joined: 11/16/2004
Msg: 7
Dating Someone Who's Divorce Isn't Final Yet...
Posted: 12/10/2005 11:45:14 PM
What everybody else said..Don't waste your time. If he or she hasn't file the paperwork, moved out the house and starting living his or her life seperately, it will never work. No amount of pleading with you will get me convince and for financial reason is the same thought...call me when you're available...
 uniquelyitsme
Joined: 11/10/2005
Msg: 8
Dating Someone Who's Divorce Isn't Final Yet...
Posted: 12/11/2005 3:00:09 AM
If your going dutch (paying your own way)
what have you got to loose?

You said dating.......why not.?
Just be cautious of emotional attachments until it's final.

Sometimes when a marriage is bad, women are told, "Nobody would ever want you." or something else just as mean.
She may need to know somebody would want her.

Many people stay together 'for the kids' with the agreement "when I meet someone I really want to be with then we will finalize everything."

WAY TOO MANY VARIABLES in these type of situations.

I had a bad experience as a woman which caused me to pass another time I wish I wouldn't have. You just never know.

So, if you both pay your own way, you can at least check it out and get more information before deciding for yourself.
 serendipitee
Joined: 9/5/2005
Msg: 9
Dating Someone Who's Divorce Isn't Final Yet...
Posted: 12/11/2005 3:12:14 AM
jesterbud,

Dating Someone Who's Divorce Isn't Final Yet...

Not just a bad idea... a very bad idea!

Okay, at least 999,999 times out of a million not a recommended course of action.

In any case, good luck!
 Whos that girl?
Joined: 8/16/2005
Msg: 10
Dating Someone Who's Divorce Isn't Final Yet...
Posted: 12/11/2005 5:31:33 AM
Okay someone from the "other side" chiming in.

Im married, and separated. I havent laid eyes on my ex since June of 2004. I havent spoken on the phone to him since last January. Never a cent of child support, drifts and couch surfs on the other side of the country, and even his mother doesnt know where he is. He has a pager, he's a skid row alcoholic and on who knows what for drugs.

No, I am not divorced. There is a one year waiting thing, and I dont have an address to find him. I would have to pay for the divorce myself, since he sure as heck never has a dime that he doesnt smoke drink or pop. Right now, I'd rather use the money to support myself and my two year old son. The ex hasnt seen my son since he was five months old. Never supported us, even when we were together. I paid for every diaper that ever went on my son's bottom, and changed them all too.

Am I in the "undatable" category? I know I have some baggage, but mostly I stayed out of the dating scene for a year just to avoid jumping in too fast. I went to Al-Anon and have got over most of the stuff from being the wife of an addict. I have built a life for my son and I, and I'd like to start dating again. Some men shy away from single women with kids, but I am not looking for a meal ticket, never have.

So, sure I dont have papers but I think I am more divorced than some, who are still interacting with their sposes every week. Still, some people see "separated" as "still married, and high risk"

What do you think?
 Belladona
Joined: 5/14/2005
Msg: 11
Dating Someone Who's Divorce Isn't Final Yet...
Posted: 12/11/2005 8:22:23 AM
I've been there ... with not a good outcome. However, that's not to say that "they" are all the same, and I think some are ready to move on and date shortly after the separation, however, most are not.
I think the question is how ready are you to take on someone who's still going through a lot of stuff and all the "what ifs" that can come along with that...what about being intimate with some one whose thoughts may still be with their ex, can you be "casual" .....ya know...lots of questions to ask there. I know it's not for me.... I tried it and just got too wrapped up in all his junk...and that was like water on a fire... doused...permanently.
 arri
Joined: 10/5/2005
Msg: 12
Dating Someone Who's Divorce Isn't Final Yet...
Posted: 12/11/2005 8:28:52 AM
As long as they are split up and don't live together .. it's okay.

I have head and seen it. Meet a woman who says .. ohhh we are still living together for the kids ... but we are separated. That's bull shit ... this is the door and good luck.
 Ms. Picky
Joined: 1/11/2005
Msg: 13
Dating Someone Who's Divorce Isn't Final Yet...
Posted: 12/11/2005 8:30:24 AM

Just from my own experience, don't do it. They usually still have lotsa of baggage and issues, whether it be anger, sadness, or whatever.


ditto. It's called rebound
 Sparda7
Joined: 10/21/2005
Msg: 14
Dating Someone Who's Divorce Isn't Final Yet...
Posted: 12/11/2005 8:31:33 AM
I wouldn't advise doing that. Been there, done that. And I don't want to lie to you just to make it sound fly to you. Too much baggage, and too much opportunity for the other person to want to work it out. Too much drama when actually going through the divorce when/if it goes down. It is just a big headache that I would recommend a person avoid at all cost!
 *Tee*
Joined: 9/4/2005
Msg: 15
Dating Someone Who's Divorce Isn't Final Yet...
Posted: 12/11/2005 8:34:34 AM
Ok, I'm from the other side also..I have been separated going on 3 years now, the only reason I don't have the divorce papers is ALL because of finances. I don't see him, don't talk to him, and have no intention of ever being with him again! I do understand the misgivings one might have, but it also depends on the reason why the divorce isn't final.
 arri
Joined: 10/5/2005
Msg: 16
Dating Someone Who's Divorce Isn't Final Yet...
Posted: 12/11/2005 8:39:53 AM
You are saying .. if she is too broke to spend a couple of hundred bucks after 3 years to get a divorce, it makes it okay ... ?
 Whos that girl?
Joined: 8/16/2005
Msg: 17
Dating Someone Who's Divorce Isn't Final Yet...
Posted: 12/11/2005 8:40:22 AM
Amen Tee.

I say Im separated, and a lot of people take that to mean "can't decide." For me, its priorities, Id rather spend my money on my son. Even my lawyer suggested I wait on getting the divorce as it was going to cost me money I don't have at the moment, and since we are fully separated, the only way it affects me is that I can't get married right away. Married! How could I? Most people don't even want to date, cause im married and trouble.
 Julietl66
Joined: 11/27/2005
Msg: 18
Dating Someone Who's Divorce Isn't Final Yet...
Posted: 12/11/2005 8:45:05 AM
As long as the divorce process has actually begun, why not? Sometimes, as was my case, the legal bs can go for a long time. If they are living apart and have filed for divorce I really don't see much of an issue. If they're only seperated but haven't filed--I would stay away from that.
 *Tee*
Joined: 9/4/2005
Msg: 19
Dating Someone Who's Divorce Isn't Final Yet...
Posted: 12/11/2005 8:52:30 AM
arri....Its not just a couple of hundred dollars, I would also lose health care for me and my kids, hes already threatened to cut us off. I was in a very abusive relationship, after he left I was harrassed for 2 years, finally 8 months ago I had to threaten him with a restraining order. I have to be honest with myself and say yes it is partly the finances, but theres also this fear of his reaction. To be honest, I'd be terrified of the harassment starting all over again, so you see........In my case I'm letting things "settle" until the day I feel I won't be threatened again. I have dated a few really wonderful men after my separation, and they had no problem with the fact that my divorce wasn't final. They understood the situation I was in and knew that my ex was NOT nor would he ever be in my life again. I guess it would depend on how much you cared for that person....but like I said, every situation is different.

and yes I am legally separated..

who's that girl...my lawyer also agreed it would be best to leave things this way..
 Mark5136
Joined: 11/6/2005
Msg: 20
Dating Someone Who's Divorce Isn't Final Yet...
Posted: 12/11/2005 1:43:42 PM
My advice to the original post is "Run, Forest, RUNNNNNNNNNNN!".
 Whos that girl?
Joined: 8/16/2005
Msg: 21
Dating Someone Who's Divorce Isn't Final Yet...
Posted: 12/11/2005 2:34:46 PM
I figure if my LAWYER of all people see no gain for me to get my divorce, I really see no need, at the moment. For now, my custody is legally done, my will is in order (no chance of him inheriting from me) the gaurdianship of my son is done, my power of attorney for finances and personal care AND my living will are all taken care of, then why should I spend the money currently and risk having him ask for a division of the few assets we have, when he was the one that wasted the assets I brought into the marriage . In a year, I will be separated longer than married.

I was morally against divorce. I was against dating someone who was "divorcing, not divorced." But life is what happens to you, while you are making other plans, to quote St John of Liverpool, and here I am. I am legally married, and yet have less to do with my husband than many divorced couples do. No chance of reconciliation, no awkward scenes in the mall. No "we got to talking when he picked up the kids on the weekend".

There is no one size fits all answer for this question.
 dbndon
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 22
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Dating Someone Who's Divorce Isn't Final Yet...
Posted: 12/11/2005 3:28:51 PM
.
Sure I probably would, depending. As long as there had been no contact with the ex for quite some time, why not? It’s the ones who have constant contact with the ex you don’t want to mess with.
.
 stillme2
Joined: 8/16/2005
Msg: 23
Dating Someone Who's Divorce Isn't Final Yet...
Posted: 12/11/2005 3:48:01 PM
All I can say is that I would never do it again. I won't go into the nitty gritty details lol.
 caretodream
Joined: 8/16/2005
Msg: 24
Dating Someone Who's Divorce Isn't Final Yet...
Posted: 12/11/2005 6:12:12 PM
I was separated for about 8 years before we decided to divorce. Neither one of us were in a position to re-marry, and it would only be good (financially) for the lawyers and court for us to divorce; it made no difference to us. The only reason we finally did get divorced, was to close that chapter. It was something that was unfinished, and I hate leaving things unfinished. Either of us are still not re-married, though.
 SemiGoodLife
Joined: 7/4/2005
Msg: 25
Dating Someone Who's Divorce Isn't Final Yet...
Posted: 12/11/2005 6:22:51 PM
If they are involved with someone in anyway, you really shouldn't bother because there's always that chance that old feelings will come back.
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