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Show ALL Forums  > Manitoba  > Serious Question: Need Answers. How to deal with a vindictive ex?      Home login  
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 nighthawk648
Joined: 12/8/2005
Msg: 1
Serious Question: Need Answers. How to deal with a vindictive ex?Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Okay, I'm new here. And took a dating hiatius for just over a year now....really threw myself into my work and my kid....unfortunately was forced to. But I really want to date again and find someone to settle down with. I've been divorced for over three years now, didn't date for two years after....met a really great girl....perfect....perfect...perfect.

I followed all the rules, she didn't meet my son until after we had gone out for 6 months and I knew we were mutually deeply committed to the relationship, and it was going somewhere. He of course loved her and she loved him....it was so good.

The problems started when my ex found out I was seeing someone....things were bad.... to me, nasty e-mails, phone messages...etc. She found out where my girlfriend lived, her phone number, and went to her place and her work and screamed obscenities at her....that was awful, but we handled it. Then when she found out my son was involved....she wen't totally crazy....to make a long story short. She began harrassing us so much and stalking us. My girlfriend was so afraid of her by her threats that we had to get a restraining order But......

The absolute worst part was the emotional abuse to my son. She would grill him about every detail about me and my girlfriend and punish him if he didn't yell everything. He wasn't allowed to like my girlfriend....was forced to call her names.....he was so devastated.... he would whisper to me at night "tell her I really do like her, I don't really mean what I say". My girlfiend couldn't handle what was happening to my son.....it broke her heart. She said she had to walk away.

I now have my son in therapy with mem he's doing well, but he is young.....but I'm so afraid to do it to him again, or to another great woman.

Has anyone else out there gone through this....is there any way to get control over it when you have joint custody? Any suggestions?
 RacerM95
Joined: 7/1/2005
Msg: 2
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Serious Question: Need Answers. How to deal with a vindictive ex?
Posted: 12/11/2005 1:31:28 AM
She definatly needs counciling, if (god forbid) you need to get another restraining order make it a condition.. Personally Id take her court and have the system order her into councilling as a part of the visitation agreement...

If all else fails shoot her (when in season) ;)
 bitg
Joined: 7/25/2005
Msg: 3
Serious Question: Need Answers. How to deal with a vindictive ex?
Posted: 12/11/2005 4:46:25 AM
Your Ex has serious problems and she needs to be made aware of the damage that she is doing to your child. Unless she is willing to take ownership for her nasty behviour.............which it looks like she is not, then the only other option would be to prove she is unfit through the courts. You did everything by the book and looked after the well being of your child and his emotional needs but you can't control the ex and if she is not willing and can prove in court the severity of the damage they will enforce it. You have earned the right to move on. Good Luck in finding true happiness
 weR1
Joined: 11/6/2005
Msg: 4
Serious Question: Need Answers. How to deal with a vindictive ex?
Posted: 12/11/2005 8:08:21 AM
Sounds like your boy was smart enough to make his own decisions about people, so I hope you validated that. It also is an excellent idea to get him a neutral party to vent to. I like the suggestion of getting some counselling mandated for Mom. I have been this kid, so I can tell you in the long run Mom will be the one to suffer but that probably doesn't make you feel any better right now. Any mandated service will take a long time, maybe focusing on reinforcing positive behavior and trying REALLY hard to not get sucked into the bad mouthing vortex is all you can really do.
Your not over ex girlfriend, don't date or at least tell anyone you date you aren't.
 nottaprincess
Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 5
Serious Question: Need Answers. How to deal with a vindictive ex?
Posted: 12/11/2005 10:37:32 AM
I would suggest trying to get sole custody of your son, making therapy and good behavior a condition of visitation. What she has done to your son is abuse, and it should be dealt with as such...What does your counselor or lawyer suggest??

I am sorry for your experience, but your ex learned that her negative behavior will get her what she wants...afterall, your girlfriend walked away...albeit for an altruistic reason...

Linda
 nighthawk648
Joined: 12/8/2005
Msg: 6
Serious Question: Need Answers. How to deal with a vindictive ex?
Posted: 12/11/2005 11:43:29 AM
Everyone suggests that I am a guy and will NEVER get sole custody....I've tried just about everything.....CFS won't get involved at all.

She is such a great liar that she can snow anyone, comes across sweet as a button, I asked her to meet with the psychologist......on the pretense that I thought our son was having severe nightmares. I am so very careful about what I say to her because I am afraid she will take it out on him. Anyway, she met with the psychologist a couple times, she's cute, and can pour on the sweetness. He actually was snowed by her the fiirst couple times. I couldn't believe it. So now my lawyer doesn't know what can happen. We keep trying to go for court dates and she keeps dropping her lawyers or they drop her.....she's had 6. Now hasn't got one. So we never get anywhere and it just keeps costing me more money. Which I'm sure is her agenda as well as not having to deal with losing her kid.

Has anyone gone through this....how do you go about getting mandated counselling for someone??? What is the process? My lawyer says it's going to be tough being that I am the guy and have a full time job. She quit hers...

Are there any guys out there that have sole custody??

Oh and my ex- girlfriend.....yes, I still think the world of her....we are still friends. But she has moved on and I am very happy for her and her new guy. They are both great people and are both really good to me. So that's not an issue.
 redhead_girl
Joined: 3/7/2005
Msg: 7
Serious Question: Need Answers. How to deal with a vindictive ex?
Posted: 12/11/2005 11:55:10 AM
My gosh...I've never been through anything like this so haven't much to offer in the way of advice. So sad that you and your son have had to endure something like this though. So nice to see that at least one parent keeps the interests of the child as the priority. You are to be commended for that.
 weR1
Joined: 11/6/2005
Msg: 8
Serious Question: Need Answers. How to deal with a vindictive ex?
Posted: 12/11/2005 12:06:28 PM
Wow you look nothing like my ex boyfriend yet you are living his life?!
I hope that there are people here who can advise and support you, especially other men. I recently went to an info session on the changes to domestic violence and stalking legislation and all of the professionals were gender specific when they spoke female=victim and male=perpetrator. I know of a lot of women who have been abused, but I know far more men personally who have and I hope they start to speak out more, cause from what I've seen the assumption is always that the male is guilty and a lot of women will even use the threat of false charges to control their partners.
In the meantime all I know about is *57 after a call creates a record for the police to track if your being harassed and want a no contact order.
 All4um
Joined: 12/11/2005
Msg: 9
Serious Question: Need Answers. How to deal with a vindictive ex?
Posted: 12/11/2005 12:20:24 PM
Night, do yourself a favour and get a small tape recorder. Digital or cassette tape, as long as you can carry it in a pocket or connect to your phone. Start recording some of the conversations with your ex, so you'll have some proof of her behaviour if/when you ever need it in court, counselling sessions, etc.
Best of luck
 nighthawk648
Joined: 12/8/2005
Msg: 10
Serious Question: Need Answers. How to deal with a vindictive ex?
Posted: 12/11/2005 12:21:36 PM
Get this.....my ex-girlfriend used the *57 she was getting 20 phone calls a night for about a week....phoned the cops....it was my ex. The cops went to her house...she snowed them and said it was my son. The calls were made at 2:30 in the morning. The cops did nothing!
 nighthawk648
Joined: 12/8/2005
Msg: 11
Serious Question: Need Answers. How to deal with a vindictive ex?
Posted: 12/11/2005 12:23:27 PM
Can you actually use stuff like recordings in court, I thought you couldn't if the other person wasn't aware that you were recording them.
 weR1
Joined: 11/6/2005
Msg: 12
Serious Question: Need Answers. How to deal with a vindictive ex?
Posted: 12/11/2005 12:25:57 PM
I bet they told her (girlfriend) she should break up with you.
That's another interesting thing I learned about law enforcement, they try to get the sane people to back down so they don't have to deal with the crazy people. Just so you know that will be a barrier you need to decide if you wanna deal with.
 All4um
Joined: 12/11/2005
Msg: 13
Serious Question: Need Answers. How to deal with a vindictive ex?
Posted: 12/11/2005 12:27:06 PM
You would need a judge's order to tap / intercept calls UNLESS YOU'RE PART OF THE CONVERSATION. If you record a call between your girlfriend and ex, that's a no-no. But if you record a conversation to which you are a party, all is fair.
 nighthawk648
Joined: 12/8/2005
Msg: 14
Serious Question: Need Answers. How to deal with a vindictive ex?
Posted: 12/11/2005 12:29:37 PM
You're kidding! They didn't say anything like that to my ex-girlfriend. But who knows what they said to my ex......she phoned me and said that the cop asked her out.
 nighthawk648
Joined: 12/8/2005
Msg: 15
Serious Question: Need Answers. How to deal with a vindictive ex?
Posted: 12/11/2005 12:32:06 PM
Really??? If I am part of the conversation and I record it, then it's game??? Do you know this for sure?

And the judge's order.....to record calls, can they do that without her knowing?
 All4um
Joined: 12/11/2005
Msg: 16
Serious Question: Need Answers. How to deal with a vindictive ex?
Posted: 12/11/2005 12:39:03 PM
Forget about getting a judge's order. It would only be granted to the police / authorities if they're investigating something very serious and can't get the evidence any other way.
Yes, I'm sure you can record your own conversations with anyone else you want. And your girlfriend can record her own conversations.
But check with your lawyer about this next time you see him/her - after all, who would take legal advice from somebody posting on the internet, somebody you've never met???
Best for you to be secure in your own mind, get some advice from your lawyer, then you'll feel better all the way around.
 nighthawk648
Joined: 12/8/2005
Msg: 17
Serious Question: Need Answers. How to deal with a vindictive ex?
Posted: 12/11/2005 12:53:03 PM
Thanks All4um and everyone else, but please keep the advice coming. Still stuck in this holding pattern and don't know what to do. Really afraid of putting my son through any more abuse. Even after all this time she is still throwing my ex-girlfriends name with poison arrows at the poor kid. And this girl has a boyfriend geez. So I'm really afraid of getting involved.... but it's so unfair (and lonely) it almost kills me. So other than getting involved and hiding it from my son, which isn't fair to the woman nor him....What is my choice? I need to do something legal and fast. Love to hear from anyone who knows guys who got custody of their kid/s.
 A Purrrfect Pisces
Joined: 11/11/2005
Msg: 18
Serious Question: Need Answers. How to deal with a vindictive ex?
Posted: 12/11/2005 2:26:27 PM
I'm so sorry to hear about what's been happening to you and especially to your little guy, sadly in the business I'm in, I hear it allot and each time it tears at my heart just as much.

You didn't indicate how old your son is and I don't need to know but sometimes, dependant on their age, the child themselves can say to that parent "Mom I love you but what you're asking me to do or say is just hurting me, please stop." Sometimes, if the child isn't old enough, we can try saying that to the other parent for them by maybe telling her in as much as she's furious with you, and it's you she wants to hurt, that the person she's hurting the most is really your son; the son the two of you brought into this world together.

Have you considered talking to a Lawyer? Especially one who deals with Family Law. I can appreciate Lawyers are costly but, you can also investigate Legal Aid, because they do assist people who are both employed and unemployed. The fees charged to people who are employed are based on a schedule conducive to your salary. It may help to ease the financial burden of looking for legal help. Or go back to your divorce lawyer if you're on good terms with them?

It's good that your ex-girlfriend got a Restraining Order, it sends a strong message to your son's mother. You didn't state if the Order actually worked; a Protection Order is only good if it's carried through meaning if she violates the Order, call the cops, a hundred times a day if you have to, if she's in violation of the Order. The cops absolutely have to respond, and act all because of that little piece of paper. Without one, there's not much they can do. Police get frustrated when they respond to domestic issues and there is no Protection Order; it ties their hands. But when there is one, and they respond, it's all documented, each time.

I'm sorry though that your girlfriend wasn't able to stick with you through this. You may want to consider doing the same for the harm she's causing you. It all provides evidence and building blocks in the event this whole matter becomes legal. It shows who the caring parent is and how abusive the other can be; to you and to your son. I can understand why CFS won't become involved given your son has at least one good parent in his corner. But, what about talking to people like MacDonald Youth Services for some advice? Or the Child Guidance Clinic?

In all of these things you do through this agonizing process; keep records, dates, contact names of people you spoke with, your copies of Restraining Orders as well as your ex-girlfriends. As I said, it all could be useful in building a strong support for you and your son if the matter becomes legal. I really don't see any other way to make her stop.

I hope you find some of the suggestions made by all of us helpful and know that our hearts go out to you and your son.
As time passes, your son will remember this time in his life but, trust me, he'll also remember who loved him enough to do what was best for him. Unconditional love, he's as lucky to have you as you are to have him.

PP


 niceguyfinishinglast
Joined: 11/1/2005
Msg: 19
Serious Question: Need Answers. How to deal with a vindictive ex?
Posted: 12/11/2005 7:40:58 PM
Nighthawk, been there and I would advise you to ask a lwayer regarding telephone or in person conversations. The laws may have changed since that time but when I did it it was inadmissable because I didn't inform her she was being recorded. I got lucky though because one of my coworkers was married to a cop who visited her and convinced her that he was placing her under arrest under the stalking law but would let her go if she promised to never contact me unless through a lawyer. Haven't heard her voice in 10 years.
 cheeky_canuck
Joined: 11/29/2005
Msg: 20
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Serious Question: Need Answers. How to deal with a vindictive ex?
Posted: 12/11/2005 10:11:25 PM
I just have one question, you said that you and your ex have joint custody…….. What exactly does it say in your court agreement ?

Because unless it states specific..... dates…times and such…..as to when he is to be with her…..you can withhold visitations.

That’s what I did to my EX , and there was nothing he could do about it.......... unless he took me to court.
 nighthawk648
Joined: 12/8/2005
Msg: 21
Serious Question: Need Answers. How to deal with a vindictive ex?
Posted: 12/11/2005 10:27:27 PM
My agreement is specific now...it's a 50/50 split. Week to week. I just finally got that through the courts about a month ago. That after my ex refused to give me back my son after her week and kept him for three days while my lawyer had to go to court to get an order to get him back.
 GOODBYE SWEETHEART
Joined: 8/30/2005
Msg: 22
Serious Question: Need Answers. How to deal with a vindictive ex?
Posted: 12/12/2005 7:24:47 PM
This pretty important. What the H#** is wrong in the head of people who use their kids in berween Partner disputes??
 AxyL
Joined: 12/1/2005
Msg: 23
Serious Question: Need Answers. How to deal with a vindictive ex?
Posted: 12/12/2005 7:31:11 PM
Try being nice all the time as if the crap don't bug you and reinforce the stuff you like with praise or a doggy biscuit. Seriously try reading this book it's all about positive reinforcement it works on people and animals.

Don't Shoot the Dog - Karen Pryor
 WigglesInMyKinkiBoots
Joined: 10/26/2005
Msg: 24
Serious Question: Need Answers. How to deal with a vindictive ex?
Posted: 12/12/2005 8:43:26 PM


Hi I am not sure if I can be much help but I do have some advice I am single mother of 3 who has a crazy ex husband. it took Me getting My children's doctor to come to court stating that My ex was a danger to the children as well as himself .
I understand it is hard for a Father to get soul custody of a child but it does happen. With the support of your child's therapist and his medical doctor it can be used to your advantage.

Child and Family Services if you bother them enough will help. They have become jaded to those asking for help and then truly not wanting it. If You keep on them they will come in and help.

Your child is the best thing in Your life and looks and sounds like Your doing one hell of a job raising him and should be proud of that


 nighthawk648
Joined: 12/8/2005
Msg: 25
Serious Question: Need Answers. How to deal with a vindictive ex?
Posted: 12/12/2005 10:44:34 PM
Wiggles...and everyone else...thanks!!!! Nice to know I'm not alone, and some very great suggestions...keep them coming. Looks like it's back to court for me...more money. What really bothers me the most is this is my son's childhood. Is this what he is going to remember. And here I am sacrificing good years of my life because of constantly putting out the fires from someone who has not an ounce of love in their heart. What was I thinking having a child with this person. But it's weird she wasn't like this until after she had the baby, then all of a sudden she started going nuts.
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