| How much time do you give the other person for your first date?
Posted: 12/13/2005 4:51:13 PM | Ok, here goes: I recently had an opportunity for a first date with a POF member and I would have to drive a little over two hours for the date. She told me over the phone that she was probably going to be tired because she has so much to do, so all we would probably be able to do would be to sit around and maybe play cards or something like that. Then in a later conversation, she told me that she had a lot of things she had to do around that time, so she wasn't sure again, how much time she would be able to give to me for a visit. I had asked her if there was any motel in the area so that I could visit with her and then go to the motel and maybe see her some the next day as well. Finally, she told me that all the time she would be able to give me for the first day was maybe an afternoon, playing cards with her Mother and her (and maybe her son). Since I work nights, I would have to sleep prior to driving the two hours for the visit, which would put the visit in the late afternoon, so I felt like after that visit, I would go to a motel and see her some on the next day. It was made clear to me, that the one afternoon visit was it. She was busy the next day.
I basically told her that I didn't feel important or high enough up on her list of priorities so I decided against the visit and it seemed to irratate her.
So, is it just me? Men and Women give me your insight into this situation. Is it me, or does it seem that I am not high enough up on her priorities list, so why make the effort or should I just take what I can get? Please let me hear your thoughts. Tracy (buccaneer38) | |
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| How much time do you give the other person for your first date?
Posted: 12/13/2005 4:58:34 PM | | Sounds like you expect abit much from someone you haven't met in person yet...what if she doesn't like you or feel comfortable...then what would you do if you were already there?! I'd say stick to women closer to you so you don't have to post something like this again.... | |
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| How much time do you give the other person for your first date?
Posted: 12/13/2005 4:59:00 PM | | You're nowhere near on her priorities list. First off, if it's a visit from someone in town, that's different. But a two hour drive and another two hours back? Someone should be planning a day around your visit, not schedule you in between activities. Clearly she doesn't really care about you, you're just a footnote in her day, and the fact that you're spending a good four hours on the road means nothing to her. She's not the right woman for you, she doesn't appreciate you now, so how do you think she's going to feel about you later? You're going to be desperately trying to get her to spend time with you while she keeps giving you excuses of being busy. A girl I was dating recently seemed to be busy all the time. It would be a good two or three weeks in between dates. Finally it got to a point that I thought, could I handle this lack of attention in a relationship? A woman wrote a forum on this sight about this concering her boyfriend being gone a good week and a half at a time due to his driving career. She felt bad for wanting to break things off due to lack of being together. If you can't handle it, you can't handle it. Call it a deal breaker. Some people it's smoking, other people it's violent tendancies, others its cursing, the end result is that you'll be miserable. That's not what a relationship should provide you. YOu should be a happier person, a more fullfilled person from the experience. Not feeling like you're her 10:00 oppointment that needs to leave by 11 for her next appointment on her schedule. She clearly needs a local guy who can pop into her life without much effort. That's what may work for her, but not for you. So, give up on her and find another one that will devote more time and attention to you. Every person, man and woman, deserves that. | |
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| How much time do you give the other person for your first date?
Posted: 12/13/2005 5:02:20 PM | | Why should you just take what you can get? That is as bad as letting yourself settle, something you should never do. If she is interested enough to meet you then she should also be interested enough to make some time for you. If not, then I wouldn't bother. Sure she will spend a little bit of time with you, and others..but is it quality time? From the sounds of it, no. If some man wanted to drive 2 hours to see me and would take whatever he could get, he would not be the man for me. Much too accomodating almost to the point of doormat. Nothing personal, just my opinion. | |
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| How much time do you give the other person for your first date?
Posted: 12/13/2005 5:08:04 PM | Paradoxdreamer................you are a man after my own heart! I have to say that I used to have complete faith in my abilities to discern if I am perceiving the situation correctly, but lately I have found that my thinking seemed so different than most everyone else that I have started to wonder if maybe I was thinking in a anomalous kind of way. Thank God, another man thinks like I do. I find it interesting that the only other person that answered my post was a woman (mustang Sally) and she too thought like the woman I was referring to. I find that very interesting.
To answer what she wrote: See Paradoxdreamer..............he is the man! He put it better than I could..........Tracy (buccaneer38) | |
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| How much time do you give the other person for your first date?
Posted: 12/13/2005 5:09:28 PM | | Dude, bailing out was exactly the right thing to do. If you're driving two hours, there's no reason to do it when she can't afford you enough time to make the trip worthwhile. Of course, I am left to wonder why you're the one doing all the driving. Sounds like you're the one making all the effort here my good man. The least you could expect is a little effort on her part. If she's not willing to offer you the same in return, screw it! | |
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| How much time do you give the other person for your first date?
Posted: 12/13/2005 5:10:40 PM | | Thank you "anticipation", I am glad to hear from another woman and also thankful that you think like I do! I was hoping that not all women thought like the lady in question and "MustangSally". I was very worried that maybe I was expecting too much from a visit after driving two hours and fifteen minutes to meet her. Tracy (buccaneer38) | |
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| How much time do you give the other person for your first date?
Posted: 12/13/2005 5:13:13 PM | hmmm...i'm not sure it was a "priority" thing at all...maybe just bad timing...??...perhaps another time...?
but i definately think you did the right thing in not going...seems an awful lot of effort on your part...for a tiny bit of her time... | |
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| How much time do you give the other person for your first date?
Posted: 12/13/2005 5:16:18 PM | | Thank you lady bugg65! I am much more hopeful that I am not being rude for wanting too much of her time, after the two hour drive. It is wonderful to hear especially from women and for the most part even they think like I did and do! Thank you All so very much! Tracy (buccaneer38) | |
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| How much time do you give the other person for your first date?
Posted: 12/13/2005 5:18:02 PM | Hey BUC: You can try to slam me all ya want, over and over (Like i give a rat's behind..lol)...but I know I wouldn't want to commit to someone 2 days in a row for a first meeting...why couldn't ya look up something else to do there the next day just in case she couldn't make it....
You were asking people's opions right? Or just to agree with you?
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| How much time do you give the other person for your first date?
Posted: 12/13/2005 5:33:32 PM | Buccaneer, she was saying that just to have an out. On a first date, people don't want to commit more than just a coffee. But considering that you had to drive that distance, she should have given you a commitment for at least several hours.
But your mistake right of the bat was being willing to drive all the way. You should never suggest that or agree to it. Because right off the bat, you are the submissive. You should always meet your date half way in a situation like that. By not doing so, she had you pegged for a sucker. And why give a sucker an even break? | |
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| How much time do you give the other person for your first date?
Posted: 12/13/2005 5:49:12 PM | | Rule of thumb, you should spend at least twice as long as you did spend to get to one another. For instance, if you drove four hours there and back, spend at least eight hours together. Half hour drive, hour time together. Ect. Online dating is hard, especially if you don't live in or next to a big city. As for you driving, think of it this way. A woman wants to feel safe on a first date, comfortable, and if she wants you to drive to meet her, then its up to her to do all the planning for the date. In turn, your second date should be the other person driving to meet their partner. If the woman drove the first time, you should drive the second time. If she made up the plans for the first date, you should plan out the second one. Do that back and forth and at the very least you'll end up with a happy dating experience, if not the ideal romantic connection. That's how my last dating experience occured, I had to drive an hour to meet a now lady friend of mine. We were dating, I met her first, then she came over to where I lived for our second date. I went to her city for our third, and she came over to my town for a movie on the fourth. So, it was a nice back and forth. Didn't lead to romantic sparks, but it was a fun experience. Keep things balanced, don't force either person to feel like they're giving up more then the other person is willing to, and that way in the end, you'll both be happier from that decision to keep things equal. Also, by keeping things balanced out like this, you'll find out if a woman is a user, using you for things... Or if she's serious about a long term relationship which are built upon give and take. There is a lot you can learn from early dating that if done in the right way, can reveal so much more then just what you actually do on your dates. | |
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jdctx
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Joined: 6/8/2005
Msg: 15 | |
| How much time do you give the other person for your first date?
Posted: 12/13/2005 5:54:30 PM | I think she's just setting a backout plan just in case... Except for one time in my whole dating life have I had a full day planned on a first date and amoung those I have driven over 2hrs.
WOW should I now think I'm that pathetic that most woman won't plan entire days on the first date let alone meeting. | |
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| How much time do you give the other person for your first date?
Posted: 12/13/2005 6:23:59 PM | MustangSally: I wasn't slamming in in the slightest and I never would. All I said, was that you agreed with her, period? I don't think anyone would think that was slamming? Tracy (buccaneer38)
And yes, I was looking for opinons not just people to think like me, where did you get such thinking? It wasn't from me for sure. Tracy (buccaneer38) | |
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| How much time do you give the other person for your first date?
Posted: 12/13/2005 6:44:08 PM | Maybe you caught her at a bad time...maybe she is too polite to cancel the meeting altogether therefore alotting "limited time".......
My suggestion-Go for it this time....see if there's chemistry... give her the benefit of the doubt this time ....then schedule another meeting and watch her reaction...
We all have priorities to be handled at certain times...but if she repeatedly comes up with excuses...trust me ..move on....
because if there is chemistry between 2 people they will sieze every opportunity to be together...
Good Luck  | |
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| How much time do you give the other person for your first date?
Posted: 12/13/2005 7:00:04 PM | Again Buccaneer why sell yourself short hun? There are so many on here you can actually move on to the next one and maybe she will give you the time you deserve. Time is important to each of us in our own way. I am suremthere is some sort of explanation on her part for not giving you much, but really I guess the question here would be, is this all worth it? Only you can answer that to yourself and be the one to live with it. I hope all works out for you my friend:} Remember, there are plenty of fish in the sea and I am sure theres one here just right for you somewhere;) TC....
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| How much time do you give the other person for your first date?
Posted: 12/13/2005 7:34:15 PM | | I'm with Carribean...timing means a lot. Also, she may just be giving herself an easy out in case you are nothing like you lead her to believe you are....(It happens...read it in the forums all the time). If this is the case, and you two really hit it off, she may suddenly become "instantly more available". I would think she could do better than "play cards with her mother", though. Maybe you two could go out to lunch or dinner? If you DO end up playing cards with her mother, hopefully, she'll at least break away and take a walk with you, so you two can do some talking alone. | |
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| How much time do you give the other person for your first date?
Posted: 12/13/2005 9:44:43 PM | | Well, actually I have already made the decision NOT to go and told her so. I just was a little worried that I was making the wrong decision, because lately I have found that I do think differently than a lot of people especially women LOL...........Tracy (buccaneer38) | |
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| How much time do you give the other person for your first date?
Posted: 12/25/2005 10:20:03 PM | Hey Bucc
here is a womans opinion: I met a man o pof & he is long distance from me, I asked him from the begining if it was a problem for him, he said no. So if we ever get to meet in person, I am willing to make sure he has some time for us to spend together. Right now the holidays are partly keeping us apart, hoping it will get better. I wrote on another forum that i dont get emails from him on weekends, hoping this is just because of holidays, but you should get more time together when u r in town i feel | |
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| How much time do you give the other person for your first date?
Posted: 12/25/2005 10:39:58 PM | Well, you already made your decision. I didn't think that two hours away from me was that big a deal for the man that I changed my mind about meeting. He's the one who asked if we could meet, and asked for names and phone numbers fo hotels near my city. Then, he quits e-mailing me for weeks at a time, and he claimed that he tried to phone but I didn't see his number on my Caller ID. I guess I was too demanding, wasn't I? I doubt it.
Maybe she had good reasons for putting you off. I don't know. You already made your decision. Get on with life, okay? | |
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| How much time do you give the other person for your first date?
Posted: 12/26/2005 2:45:51 PM | I see that some of you think Buccaneer should not drive that distance for just a date. But as a man who lives in a rural area I can relate to long distance dating. I live on a farm and am a little over two hours from Minneapolis. However I've had several dates with women who live there. For me it's just a sacrafice I sometimes have to make if I want to meet a woman that I'm interested in. When I have made long distance dates I've made other plans as well to visit a close friend or realative when I'm in the area and perhaps even spend the night which helps out a lot for me.
I dated one lady for quite some time who lived 2 hours away. We saw each other most weekends and she made time to see me and vise versa. She even drove out to my home often...............On the other hand one I dated never made any effort to drive and just as you told this woman I was clearly not high on her list of priorities. Needless to say that didn't last..........Another time I was on my way and called her when I was an hour from her house (something I often do to let her know I'm on time or running a bit late). She then told me she was too tired to go out that afternoon....Can ya beleive that? Never did meet her.
I don't know if my experience helps or not but just wanted to share because I can relate to it. I think you did the right thing. You didn't feel right about going so why bother? If indeed she was irritated by you canceling maybe she'll be more receptive to setting more time aside for you if you ever go out with her. | |
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| How much time do you give the other person for your first date?
Posted: 12/27/2005 3:24:52 AM | She didnt sound that keen at all. I can understand needing to care for her kids or arrange soemthing but if you really want to meet with someone, especially someone travelling all that way, you clear up your schedule if you have enough notice
Maybe she was unsure because its the first time meeting and all. But she still could have made something definite, even if it was only two hours just to meet you. But she couldnt do that either. Playing cards??? please.
Personally I would have done the same as you. I think you showed a fair bit of effort by continuing the negotations as long as you did She just didnt come to the party.
She was probably irritated that you said were upfront with her, and it was perhaps a little too confrontational for her and she didnt know how to respond to the 'awkward truth' | |
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| How much time do you give the other person for your first date?
Posted: 12/27/2005 5:34:42 AM | maybe perhaps she don't want to commit to second date fearing the first date might not work out too well??
Did you mention to her that the motel thing is for you to rest and not to shag her?
I think it is reasonable to ask to have more time with her since you have to drive for 2 hours. I am not sure how good a date it is if it is spending with her, her mom and her kid. | |
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