| Why are girls --- single mom's especially afraid of falling in love
Posted: 12/15/2005 6:43:28 PM | I have met lots of girls and single mom's over the last three years or so. They all profess to be looking to date seriously or for a long term relationship which is great. However the second it looks like it might get serious and/or there is a chance for a long term relationship... they all seem to go to oh lets just be friends, or i am not ready for that, i just wanted to have somebody to hang out with, were in different places. It seems like they come up with a million and one reasons of how to kill a relationship... including things that they know will really hurt the other person... had one that slept with a good friend of mine "just because"... and then told me about it... like okay... what do i want to have to do with you now!! NOTHING!! ha ha
Single mom's in particular though are a tough group to figure out! They want a guy in their life and say so quite loudly -- well at least some do! ha ha Then as soon as your in their life they find out you can actually care and are not just there to gratify yourself esteem with them and they book it out of the picture. I had one girl recently that made up ever excuse in the book ha ha WOW did she ever! Beautiful, Intelligent Lady but WOW was she ever terrified of commitment... we managed to stay friends... its been tough... but she was never looking for a relationship she just wanted a guy(s) to treat her right and take her to lots of places and she might someday pick from the herd one that she wants but he couldn't be great just mediocre ha ha of course she will never settle well at least not until she hits 40 then she'll take whatever will have her... sigh...poor girl...deserves more...
Seen and heard this same story more times then i can count... does anybody have any ideas as to why girls/single mom's are terrified to let themselves fall in love? | |
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| Why are girls --- single mom's especially afraid of falling in love
Posted: 12/15/2005 7:34:02 PM | Can't speak for anyone but myself but I've been single a long time...I didn't even date for the first year and a half for fear that I'd settle for something or someone ...just to fill the void in my life.
But when I decided to date, I was very upfront and honest about taking things slow. Honest with myself and the men I dated about what I was and wasn't ready for. Deep down I actually believed that I wouldn't be able to find someone I could open myself up to love and commitment to ...guess that's why after 4 first dates I gave up dating for another year.
It's my belief that some people (men and women) don't take the time to understand themselves , their wants, hopes and desires. No one likes to be alone. We all want to feel loved and needed but sometimes we rush into a relationship without taking into account all the variables.
They find themselves involved with someone that meets some but not all of our needs... and when they realize that they can't get past the things they feel are missing in the relationship that's when they "book" as you say.
It doesn't mean you aren't relationship material, it could just mean that they weren't really as ready as they thought or that perhaps you both weren't right for each other.
Mind you this is just my opinion. | |
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| Why are girls --- single mom's especially afraid of falling in love
Posted: 12/15/2005 7:40:15 PM | | Ok, well I can't talk for all single mom's only myself here, but I will let you know why I have a hard time letting someone in. My children have a active father in their life and I don't want the man to think that I am looking for a "father figure" for them. And alot of guys ( not all of them) don't like a "ready made family". I was dateing a guy once who had a boy the same age as mine, and the way he treated his own son made me relize that I did not want him in my life or my sons. In my own opion a good mother will worry about her kids first, and what they need and want. Yes I do know that the mom's needs to be happy and feel love also but for me, my kids happiness comes way before mine. I don't know if that helped out or not but I hope it shed maybe a little light on your question. | |
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| Why are girls --- single mom's especially afraid of falling in love
Posted: 12/15/2005 8:02:13 PM | WOW I have a name... you sure hit it on the head! WOW to be a girl and have those insites! NICE
I have found that the girls i have met do try to be upfront sorta...well this one was really up front about what she wanted but it changed from second to second very confusing... i was going straight ahead on the road taking all the corners nicely and she was all over the place like she was under the influence... Now in her defence she had just came and was still coming out of a relationsip with a PLAYER -- yes the p word and he was a good one from what i understand.. so knew i had to take it careful and slow with her... but honestly she didn't really know what she wanted yet... i think had she done what you did and got out of the dating scene it would have saved a lot of hurt!
Yup her big hang / perception of what she needed was that i needed to be at least 2 inches taller then her but before we ever talked she knew i was the same height as her -- but 2 inches was the deal breaker... LOL... a month later!! sigh --
I think your opinion is pretty good... maybe we weren't meant for each other or maybe one or both of us wasn't ready for THAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP... very possible... still care about her a lot though... and i know i always will... | |
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| Why are girls --- single mom's especially afraid of falling in love
Posted: 12/16/2005 12:05:47 PM | Personally I am very very very catious about who I with because there is not only my heart on the line, my two children could also get hurt in the process. I am very protective of my children physically and emotionally.
The last thing in the world that I want to do is to be nursing three broken hearts....ugghhhh.
I have to trust the person with all my heart and soul and that is really hard to do once you have been burned sooooo many times. | |
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| Why are girls --- single mom's especially afraid of falling in love
Posted: 12/16/2005 12:15:18 PM | personally, yes i am afraid of falling in love again..i have been hurt too many times..but i dont think its just single moms..i think its all people..especially those who have been hurt, used, abused, lied to, or just treated like crap..i too have been with men and as soon as they start to get alil closer..i just freeze..push them away with one excuse after another, even though we hit it off and things seem to go right..its the big "R" word that freaks me out..but i want it and i know i will achive it with the right one..they say there is someone for everyone out in the world..sometimes..there right under ur nose and u never know it..its my wish for everyone to find honest and true love..good luck..
ladyg | |
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| Why are girls --- single mom's especially afraid of falling in love
Posted: 12/16/2005 9:33:10 PM | | It is not just single mom's and women, but men too. I was on my guard for a year and a half after my break up of my marriage. I went out on dates but I let them know that I was not ready to get into a relationship yet that I was looking for friends. But, one of those guys I met a year ago, I finallly let into my life. I dropped my defenses and let him in my heart and I loved and still love him dearly. I have never loved anyone more in my entire life. He had been hurt soooo many times just as I have. But he is doing the running and shuting me out. He is the one running scared and I am left broken hearted once again. It will be very hard for me to trust again. | |
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| Why are girls --- single mom's especially afraid of falling in love
Posted: 12/16/2005 9:50:47 PM | i'm a part time single dad and i need trust and respect .before a women even meets my kidlet . i don't think a single mom would be any different .my daughter was real sad when i left my last girl friend we were together 4years . i do not wish to put her though that again . the trust and respect ... love . needs to be there  | |
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| Why are girls --- single mom's especially afraid of falling in love
Posted: 12/16/2005 10:58:58 PM | | Well Well, one forum i can relate to. I am a single mom and i don't want to speak for anyone else but i know alot of us have been hurt in so many ways by the childs father. The fear of it all being the same crap from each man again and again. A women know's when she is falling for a man and when we get scared we run so fast so we don't have to be hurt again. Plus the fact most single mom's think all men are the same just in different packages. | |
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| Why are girls --- single mom's especially afraid of falling in love
Posted: 12/17/2005 9:54:20 AM | | I think single moms have a good reason to be more hesitant to fall, they have been hurt in the past by the childs father. You also have to realize that they have not just themselves to think about but also their children. They don't want their child to get attached to someone who is gonna hurt them just like the father did. Just my 2 cents. | |
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| Why are girls --- single mom's especially afraid of falling in love
Posted: 12/17/2005 10:07:33 AM | For a long time I convinced myself that I would be independently successful, and have a serious relationship, without much future. I didn't want to get married or even live together. Things were great and I was happy. My children were happy and we had a tight bond.
Then I met someone who prompted me rethinking my "ambitions". We started talking marriage, house hunting, he practically moved in with us, and made very good friends with my son.
And then, almost 3 weeks ago, up and out of the blue he told me he had been lying every time he told me he loved me and that he had been playing with my mind.
Sure, I would love to have someone in my life. Someone to share with, and find comfort and stability with - and someone to laugh with. But now I find myself questioning my own judgement, and maybe that's why I tend to avoid committment.
Both my children continue to speak of him - my oldest understand a little of what happened, so he tries not to talk about him, but my youngest still mentions him almost daily.
It's one thing for me to nurse myself through a shattered heart, and a whole other show for me to have to nurse my children through it. | |
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| Why are girls --- single mom's especially afraid of falling in love
Posted: 12/17/2005 10:17:13 AM | Well im one of them single moms. And im in no hurry to get back in another relationship ...not right now anyways. But i would like to be friends at first then who knows where it mit go. Maybe we are afaird to fall in love again because what happen in are past. Meaning with a bad relationship we once had. It takes time to over come being afaird.
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| Why are girls --- single mom's especially afraid of falling in love
Posted: 12/17/2005 11:55:33 AM | I just have to weigh in on something here.
I am seeing a lot of people assuming single moms have all been hurt by their child(rens) father.... that isn't the case all the time. My childrens father and I are the closest friends ever. We talk to each other daily and not just about the kids.
I've been hurt in my past, and I work daily to stop the jading of a possibilty of a future. I try to be optimistic. Not always possible, especially in light of my most recent split...but the guy I was just with showed me that there are nice guys out there - lying aside. And that I can have a connection with someone... I am working on being comfortable in my own skin before jumping into a new relationship, and I would love to have some local friends.
Not that I am afraid of committment....just that I don't want to go looking for it. | |
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| Why are girls --- single mom's especially afraid of falling in love
Posted: 12/18/2005 10:15:22 PM | Hey Thanks to all you single mom's out there that answered this posting! I think i understand the position now a little better... but did i also mention that i am a single dad with two boys and i have the same concerns that you have all listed here about my boys getting hurt! oops... left that part out earlier ...sorry... Well I do! I am a dad and I am very protective of my boys and I HAVE BEEN BURNED HUGE by not only my ex-wife but by other women i have met as well... cautious i am, careful too but i still seem to be able to love another...maybe even too easily... not that i need someone in my life but would like someone in my life! Myself I am still just wondering why it seems to be so difficult for girls to turn this around too and love again... I dont really think men and women are emotionally much different --- good guys and good girls get hurt just as easily! There are guy players and girl players!
I still think that using the children as an excuse to not love is a little over played and would seriously like to know what the REAL underlying reason is! You all have given great advice, suggestions and opinions but have we really touched the meat of the subject or are we just giving a "pat" answer that we give everybody because we don't really want to look any deeper into ourselves!
Thanks again I do appreciate all the feed back | |
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| Why are girls --- single mom's especially afraid of falling in love
Posted: 12/30/2005 1:20:12 PM | this is what you call being carefull where your heart is involved... especially us single moms... either we are recently divorced or coming out of a bad relationship and are kinda skittish about the male speices... we have let men in for so long and got nothing but disapointment and heartbreak that we tend to run in the opposite direction when u come our way... not that we dont want to be involved with you at some point in time just not now... and then to we have kids and we have to look out for their best intrest before we worry about another man... we as mothers have the obligation to protect and see that our kids are happy... and what we might think is good for us might not be so good for a child.... alot of single mothers are quick to close off our heart when love comes around for the simple fact that life is just simpler that way... if we dont let our heart get involved we dont have to worry about feeling love, happiness, saddnes or hate again... but their is a way to make us see and open our eyes to what some of u may have to offer.... to us actions speak louder that words... hang in there and let us catch our breathe we shall come around eventually   | |
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| Why are girls --- single mom's especially afraid of falling in love
Posted: 5/6/2007 9:55:59 PM | | A single mother has to be not only concerned about herself but her children as well. The other thing is that being a single mother takes a lot out of you, physically and emotionally. It's difficult to give more of yourself to yet another person. This is why I haven't dated in a long time. It seems that men are all right with single mothers, but they seem demand a lot of time and attention that is precious to a single mother. She'd rather give it to her children. | |
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IvyCoe
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Joined: 2/24/2007
Msg: 22 | |
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| Why are girls --- single mom's especially afraid of falling in love
Posted: 5/7/2007 9:35:15 AM | | I someone above hit the nail on the head. I have dated two simgle mothers in the past, and both of them were afraid of getting hurt again. Some of them, especially those going through or just went through a breakup, will be especially protective of their emotions until they feel they can trust you, and even then they will have a wall up. You have to realize they have been hurt, but also, so has their child. A mother's love for her kid usually comes before anything else, so if you want to date them, you have to show them you are trustworthy, and you don't mean them harm. It can be a long process but it can also be rewarding as well. | |
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| Why are girls --- single mom's especially afraid of falling in love
Posted: 5/7/2007 12:52:22 PM | Well i`ve been single a fair bit of time, and i do want to fill that gap in my life!
i`m not scared of falling in love and giving , but when i think i`m in with a chance i get let down, i`m great at meeting the wrong ones lol, so the hurt and pain is there again , and i back off.
I want a best friend, lover, sex machine lol,equal partner in life! someone i can share good and bad times with etc etc!
But i just meet the wrong ones all the time, the tears are more common now that they have ever been! if people ever ask me how i really feel inside i think they would be shocked sometimes as i`m seen as a confident person. Which i am, but at times i crack!
So i can say hand on my heart , i want the deal, but it just isn`t happening at the minute! | |
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