| How much do you share about past relationships?
Posted: 12/21/2005 2:05:23 PM | | And how much do you you like to know about your s/o's previous relationships? Do you like to know names, details, etc? Does anyone prefer not to know anything about their partner's past? | |
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| How much do you share about past relationships?
Posted: 12/21/2005 2:18:08 PM | I went on a couple dates with a guy recently and wow I couldn't believe how much I talked about my past relationships/experiences. I was sitting there thinking to myself "stfu already Christine!" lol but he made me nervous so I prattled on like a teenager.  But hey it was relevant and he seemed so entralled with my life experiences. I don't know, to me what's happened in the past is indicative of future behaviour and how you dealt with certain situations can really tell you alot about a person. | |
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| How much do you share about past relationships?
Posted: 12/21/2005 2:22:00 PM | | I don't think it's relevant to the current relationship, but if it's relevant to the conversation, then you might as well talk about it. Details, such as, "How did she blow you?" are straight out the window. | |
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| How much do you share about past relationships?
Posted: 12/21/2005 2:28:47 PM | | I share whatever I feel like sharing. If the person has questions and wants answers, I ALWAYS warn them... don't ask me anything you don't REALLY want the answer to... cause I have nothing to hide. If they want to know and have it in them to ask, I"ll give an answer... there are very few things I will NOT address. I don't just sit there and prattle on and on and on about my ex or old stuff... but if a past experience has direct bearing on a decision I've made and someone wants to know why, I'll explain it to them. No reason to keep people in the dark if you ask me. I am not the same person I was when I made the decisions I did in my past. If someone wants to judge me based on the mistakes I've made, rather than the person I've become as a result of learning from them... well, I figure its their loss. | |
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| How much do you share about past relationships?
Posted: 12/21/2005 2:35:16 PM | | ^^ Yup, that's how my bf and I feel too. We're both totally open and willing to share anything the other asks. But we don't volunteer any info unless asked first. I have asked about his past, and he wants to know nothing about mine. My problem is, that I want to know a fair amount. But I'm not sure how much I should know. TMI might not be a good idea either. Fine line, I guess. | |
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| How much do you share about past relationships?
Posted: 12/21/2005 2:49:14 PM | | my past is part of me......intimate details that personalize an ex should be left out! We all have pasts, they are what made us what we are today, I have no problem either way! | |
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| How much do you share about past relationships?
Posted: 12/21/2005 2:51:31 PM | I personally don't volunteer any information about previous relationships unless she asks. I don't make it a secret. I personally don't ask girls because they usually lie about it anyways. It also doesn't matter to me. The only thing that I want to know is if she has any STDs..
I've had girlfriends before that asked me if my previous girlfriends were better in bed etc... I find that this is a sign of insecurity on their part..
I also had a girlfriend that told me that one of their ex's asked her about the penis size of previous boyfriends...  | |
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| How much do you share about past relationships?
Posted: 12/21/2005 2:54:54 PM |
I personally don't ask girls because they usually lie about it anyways.
Nice sweeping generalization... *shakes her head*... don't be lumping ME in with "girls" then... glad I'm a WOMAN. | |
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| How much do you share about past relationships?
Posted: 12/21/2005 2:58:23 PM | ^^ Amen! I don't lie either. It's such a waste of time and energy, and can only cause damage. No thanks.
That was a very silly generalization of women. I agree. | |
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| How much do you share about past relationships?
Posted: 12/21/2005 3:01:41 PM | I myself would prefer to know. At least the main highlights as I myself would share as well. To some it may seem trivial...even circumstantial but I assure you there are things that everyone should ask / know. It can truly save you from a lot of heart ache yourself. How much I would share of myself would definitely depend on how much I like or trust the individual i am now "getting to know" The more open I am, the more comfortable I am with him. It's really that simple.
Now I realize that there are those of you out there that think sharing will scare the other person off, but I think that is completely crazy. What would drive ME away from another is a "closed book guy" The quiet ones are the ones that really scare the shiat out of me AND have everything to hide. That or they have been so dramatically traumatized by past experiences that they are clearly in no state of mind to "let someone in" ANYTIME soon. Although, I do sympathize with those people (as I myself have been through A LOT) You need to know upfront what you are getting yourself into.
~ Carissima ~ | |
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| How much do you share about past relationships?
Posted: 12/21/2005 3:07:39 PM | | My past is my past....and I try to leave it there. Diggin' up bones for the sake of diggin' up bones serves no purpose. Everyone has a past....with 2 sides to every story....with 2 (or more) people involved in the story. I don't hesitate to answer questions, but, I don't feel the need to pry and ask questions. | |
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| How much do you share about past relationships?
Posted: 12/21/2005 3:58:14 PM | Good question as usual, Blueberry.
A person who might be contemplating a serious relationship with you has SOME right to know about aspects of your past that might be relevant to their future as well as yours. On the other hand, I've found that a number of women immediately start asking a guy intimate details about his previous relationships -- often in IMs and/or emails before we've even met in person! Then, they may proceed to say things like "hmm, well I see a pattern here ..." and a guy feels like he is being "grilled". Instant turnoff! For one thing, a person's future is not always determined by his past and some of us do learn from mistakes we may have made.
At my age (51), I've been in three long term relationships -- which accounts for most of my adult life. I understand their concerns but at the same time I really don't even know these women yet! Why should I answer, at that stage of our "relationship", questions such as "why did you leave your last ex?" It's a bit personal, isn't it? If I haven't even met you yet, can I trust you with that information if I did give it to you? For one thing, other people are affected and might not want the details of their personal lives revealed to people who are virtually strangers. If we begin dating or an actual relationship develops, I'll probably be as forthcoming as I can be while still respecting the privacy of others involved.
Really, as you acknowledge, it can be a delicate balance and there are few hard and fast rules about how much "disclosure" is appropriate and how soon. Trust is probably the paramount issue on all sides. | |
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| How much do you share about past relationships?
Posted: 12/21/2005 4:02:46 PM | only as much as you are asked to share at least till it is a secured relationship w/new person then you are still pushing it --gonna make it look like yer not over it and therfore still caring about past more than present   
but what do i know | |
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| How much do you share about past relationships?
Posted: 12/21/2005 4:20:17 PM | Thanks Art! You're such a sweetie. 
I totally agree that when you're first getting to know someone you shouldn't be asking about that stuff, and shouldn't feel pressured to share either.
For me, the issue relates to a more committed relationship where two people do trust each other and are totally open with one another. My s/o doesn't want to know anything about my past and he's made that clear. So I respect that and am careful not to give him any info he doesn't want. I do want to know about his, and I've asked. He's always been strait with me, and willing to answer all questions fully. But sometimes I think I might be getting too curious. And I'm worried that I might end up asking more than I really need to know. It's not something I'm hung up on. But the issue does surface from time to time.
I agree with what several of you have said - your past is your past. Mistakes can be learned from, and they don't always say anything about the person you are today. However, relationships make up memories and shape our opinions about things too. So cutting them out completely can be bad too. I don't want my bf to feel he has to hide pictures of his family because an old girlfriend is in some, etc. On the other hand, I don't want to end up feeling weird about something because of something in his past either. | |
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| How much do you share about past relationships?
Posted: 12/21/2005 4:36:05 PM | I don't like to share much unless asked, nor do I ask much in return. But sometime's I am curious as to how it ended in past relationships. When a girl tells me she cheated on her last 5 boyfriends, that can kind of throw up a red flag. Of course she finally told me that after we had already broken up. But for the record she claimed I was the only one she never cheated on.  | |
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| How much do you share about past relationships?
Posted: 12/21/2005 4:57:37 PM | Same to you, Blueberry re the "sweetie" comment.
As I said, once I'm in a committed relationship, I'm generally pretty forthcoming about my past with my partner -- probably more than most guys. I have to trust that they will be discreet with any information that I give and also won't "use it against me" in any way. I never "kiss and tell", eg, give information about past lovers that really isn't their business to know. I think it's only fair to respect their privacy. I feel exactly the same way you do about the "hiding pictures of her family because an ex is in it" type of thing. It's silly -- and a little heartless, I think -- to expect a person to wipe out all traces of their romantic past for their new love. Not that I want to see pics of my lover's ex on our bedroom wall or anything -- but I respect the fact that he was a part of her life and she is entitled to her memories as am I.
As far as your BF is concerned, unless you really do have reason to suspect that you might "end up feeling wierd about something in his past" -- and considering that he is straight up and reasonably forthcoming with you, as you say-- then I'd just handle it as delicately in the future as you seem to be doing now. Hopefully, it all works out well for you and you don't become an example of "curiousity killing the cat"! | |
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Joined: 11/3/2005
Msg: 18 | |
| How much do you share about past relationships?
Posted: 12/21/2005 5:05:36 PM | The way i look at it is ,sometimes things come up,which is fine if its asked,But i think the thing is if you meet someone ,you care or love,you should focus on the possibility of a relationship with that person and leave the past behind as thats what matters.Now granted if you or partner has children,that is something that is the most inportant thing at first,kids should not be left behind.They are part of the life of both partners regardless.And if all involed can be mature and accept that,then the better.  | |
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Joined: 11/3/2005
Msg: 20 | |
| How much do you share about past relationships?
Posted: 12/21/2005 5:10:40 PM | Well not to often ,that i get pissed off with something someone says,but buddie for you to say all women lie about their past? You are making a mistake here as not all of us do.Just because you may have had some women do that to you,dont label all of us.It would be like i say all guys lie to get you to do what they want.Chill baby'' as my aunt would say'',lol.  | |
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| How much do you share about past relationships?
Posted: 12/21/2005 5:23:56 PM | | Open 100% The only way that I have ever felt trust with someone. For them not to be, then i don't trust 100% I think they are hiding something, and I will move on. | |
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| How much do you share about past relationships?
Posted: 12/21/2005 5:29:21 PM | | I don`t care to know anything about a person`s past....The past is the past....It`s got nothing to do with me and my past has nothing to do with him...Geez..I can`t believe it takes a thread on this subject!!!! You start over with a clean slate...That`s all the knowledge anyone needs... | |
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c7t1
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Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 24 | |
| How much do you share about past relationships?
Posted: 12/21/2005 5:42:31 PM | | I find questions about past relationships sort of a double edge sword. Through these forums I have shared a lot about my past relationships. In person with some one I will answer if asked. Ever one seems to hung up on past baggage. Personally I think a person with out baggage is a person who hasn’t lived. Having said that some one who does nothing but nock there past g/b friends is sort of a pain. Who needs a steady diet of negativity? Most often when the subject of my ex especially I prefer to say she was the best mistake I ever made. She gave me two wonderful kids. If the person wishes to know more fine; but its up to them to ask. I once had a lady ask me how many g/f I have had since my divorce, so I told her only to be told that it proved she would be just another notch on my belt. So I feel your sort of dammed if you do and damned if you don’t answer. By the way I have had 6 g/f in 12 years. I am not looking for a notch just looking for some one who fits. | |
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