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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/25/2005 3:33:37 AM | OK, people confuse the living sh!t out of me. How is it that you can say that, if someone wants to have boundaries in their relationship, and tells you upfront what those boundaries are, that they are jealous, possesive, insecure and controlling?? When did we as a society decide that it really is ok for a person to spend the night at their opposite sex "friends" house, when they are married or living with someone?? How did we take it so far as to say that it really is the same thing, if a person decides to go to a movie with an opposite sex friend vs a same sex friend?? Last time I checked, that was called a date. That was what single people did.
Now what I want to know is, what is REALLY jealous, possesive, insecure and controlling??? Because what I said in the first paragraph....people, that aint it!!! You guys have been watching "sleeping with the enemy" too much because you believe in the slippery slope theory. You think, one day its those rules, the next, you will have to dress like a nun. Nothing could be further from the truth but its what you believe and that is why you resist having boundaries. But guess what?? I have discussed this with two separate therapists. And you know what they said? They said that a common set of boundaries is IMPORTANT, if you want your relationship to last. None of what I described above is really considered jealous, possesive, insecure, or controlling. Not by the professionals anyway.
Now, I have heard from women who have been with men who check their grocery recipts. I dont understand this behavior and it seems to happen alot. This, I consider wierd. I have heard from women who were not able to take a bath on their own. Again, wierd. I have heard from women who are called every fifteen minutes every time they walk out the door. Weird, weird, weird. Also, I have heard of guys who go around beating up every man who even says hi to a woman they are with. And guys who tell women what to wear. Guys who try to act like daddy and forbid certain things. OK, all of this is what you seek to prevent.
But reasonable boundaries agreed on by both parties?? Common respect?? Common sense?? Please tell me that you all are not so unreasonable as to think that this represents jealousy, possesiveness, insecurity, or controlling behavior. To me, it represents normality. We, as a people, DO have a certain baseline of what normal behavior is. To be sure, there are some people who are outside the box, but by in large, we all have the same feelings on what is normal, but somehow, on this site, we seem to be losing sight of it. Either that, or we are afraid we may lose a date because of it. Still, I think people need to get some balance into the equation. The fact is, I dont want my SO cuddling on some other guys couch with him. Sorry....and if that is what they are into, they wont remain my SO. I really dont want them going on dates with other guys, or they wont remain my SO. I will never try to control them, but I am secure enough to let them go if they decide that is the way they want to be. | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/25/2005 5:16:06 AM | If you can't TRUST, then you shouldn't be there to begin with...plain and simple. Sometimes there are friendships that succeed you, and communication is important. If something is bothering you, try talk about it, but don't start an argument....probably only make things worse.
Best of luck!!! | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/25/2005 5:34:11 AM | Where do I begin?
Insecurity, jealousy and control go hand-in-hand. Going to a movie with ANYONE, even with someone of the same sex doesn't happen, because in his mind, you're just going out to meet someone else. Same thing goes for grocery shopping... never allowed to go without him... Clothes shopping; he has to go with you so you pick out frumpy items and make sure you don't get something sexy that others would find you appealing in... makeup?? What makeup??? Friends?? What friends??? Got a 1/2 hour lunch? He's there to pick you up so you don't have a moment to yourself.
This is only the tip of the ice burg... if someone begins to control EVERY aspect of your life, run far and run fast. Living life like that isn't living. | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/25/2005 5:52:10 AM | OP when you are right you are right. I agree. My sister dropped by last week and she is having the same proublem with her husband, just all of a sudden. I think we all know what it means, but I just couldn't tell her. She is wanting to lose weight, and get back to being her, because she knows whats comming deep down inside. Her heart is hurting over him taking a interest in this one girl. He now nags at her like she can't do anything right. (My sister is a wonderful kind person to.) That is another sign a man is thinking about someone else, and you don't matter to him like you once did. I hope we are all wrong, but only time will tell.
I dropped in today for a min, but couldn't get out with out adding something. Kids are buzzy with presents. The snow is falling here. Maybe its a good thing and my sister and her husband can click before he does mess up. One can hope. Merry Christmas everyone and a Happy New Year. | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/25/2005 6:34:27 AM | I don't buy the argument about past friendships in her/his life has precedence over your relationship. That is an open window for him/her to continue relationships with past lovers, etc. If it is more important for a person to behave that way and go out alone with the opposite sex, rather than have a respect for the relationship and for their b/f or g/f, I strongly reccommend that you let that person live in the past and let their past be their future... not yours.
Maintaining friendships is one thing, going out is quite different. I also don't buy the argument of a "guys" or "girls" night out every week.... especially when it is always out to a bar. I've seen a lot of married women and men misbehave in that environment. Usually, what happens is that you rarely go out to a bar dancing as a couple as often as she/he goes out and mingles with total strangers. What also compicates matters is this 'closet bi-sexualism' going around. I am friends with one woman who is single yet has these "Bi-parties" with married women (unbeknownst to their husbands).
There is a very broad spectrum of mistrust due to each one's selfishness.
I was never a jealous and/or controlling person. The freedoms my former relationships enjoyed is what ruined our relationships.
I am very particular and picky as to who would be welcomed into my life. It has been several years since I had a serious relatuionship and I'll continue to wait. | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/25/2005 6:37:20 AM | Caretodream
You are so right, I married a guy, that was as sweet as could be, until the day that we got married. After that, I had no life, I couldn't go anywhere, or do anything without him being with me. I worked everyday, then I started going back to school. I was constantly being accused of having an affair, and of not even going to work. All the while, he was the one that decided that he didn't have to work after we got married. Well, needless to say, I am no longer with him, and will not allow anyone to control me. I am a person and not a possession.
When a person is controlling, you are no longer a person, you become their possession, and that is no way for anyone to live.
Just my thoughts. | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/25/2005 6:42:15 AM | I think it is as simple as incompatible boundaries. You state yours, they state theirs. Trying to change someone else's boundaries can certainly be viewed as controlling and insecure, and wouldn't be far off the mark.
Acceptance of someone and compromise (which actually means mutual agreement and not the current "relenting" that people seem to attribute to it) can be accomplished without control. If you cannot accept someone as they happily are, then the choice beyond "control" is to WALK AWAY. | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/25/2005 7:25:50 AM | Green Beetle - The word, "wife" turned into a 4-letter profane word. I thought marrying him would make him relax, but it turned out to the exact opposite. I turned into a possession, or as I told him, a mound of clay for him to mould into anything he wanted. Everything was my fault, and when I lost weight, he asked, accusingly, "who are you doing that for? It can't be for me!!"...
Needless to say, I ran away from home and never looked back. We get along really good now, but then the pressures of marriage aren't upon us anymore. He was very confused at thinking this was the way a marriage works. | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/25/2005 8:09:05 AM | | I know for me, I would love to meet a kind caring man who didnt have these traits - who would be willing to give me the time to appreciate him as well as him appreciate me. | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/25/2005 8:09:26 AM | Well, diggy, this is what I mean. There are certain things that clearly ARE controlling. No question about that, and I find some of them, the ones I mentioned, to be just plain wierd. I also agree that it is very simple that if your boundaries are not compatible, then there is no reason to pursue a relationship. But I ALSO think two other things. The first is that people do not state what their boundaries really are until the relationship begins. The second is that sometimes people expect boundaries to be broader than what anyone should be forced to deal with. There needs to be balance. In my past, I had none. They did what they wanted and I put up with it. Raised objections, and was told I was crazy and insecure. Even though the objections, when I related them to friends, seemed perfectly ok with them.
Also, I would like to say that, as you can see, there ARE many women who have been with controlling insecure guys. But that there is a big difference between that and being against the kind of behavior I am talking about. What I am talking about is tolerating behavior which quite often leads to cheating, especially when no such behavior is undertaken on my part. I have always said that what is good for the goose is good for the gander and I would be hypocritical to be against something I, myself, in fact, was doing. But to expect to do one thing, when you know your partner is doing nothing of the sort is just plain wrong.
Of course I am also addressing all those who, for whatever reason, choose to interpret what I say in posts like these as being insecure or jealous. Nothing could be further from the truth, yet people sling these words around entirely too much without having any knowlege of what they really mean. Then there are also people who have been SO controlled, that they interpret ANY comments like these as an assault on their independence. But this is simply not true. I try to appeal to common sense and fair play. If you want to know why people cheat or do things behind each others back so much, you need look no further than the put downs that people get for expressing feelings of this nature. It makes it nearly impossible to be against ANY behavior, no matter how bad or dangerous to your relationship it may seem. A little more balance is needed. I say that I want neither to control or be controlled but that I will do, willingly, what my partner asks, without allowing resentment to build up about it.
And keep in mind here that I am talking about persons of the opposite sex, not same sex friends. I dont believe, for a minute that going shopping or to a movie with your gal pal is at all the same as it is with a guy. It isnt the same from the standpoint of how you interact, and it isnt the same from the standpoint of the potential damage to trust it could cause. I interact differently with my female friends than my male friends. That is human nature. Thats ok. And, when everyone is in the same room together, when we are around a group, there is no problem. But specifically, I feel that being at some guys house alone with him is just inappropriate if you are in a relationship and that I should not be required to trust THAT much. There is a difference between reasonable expectations of trust and unreasonable ones and I feel often people on this site....people in general, have unrealistic expectations.
@mommy
There is no question here, other than I do like the stories relating experiences with TRULY controlling guys so that hopefully people can see what that really is. Just because I dont want someone I am living with dating other people (of the opposite sex), which is what alot of this behavior sounds like to me, does not make me jealous, or insecure....it makes me normal. | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/25/2005 8:38:05 AM | @crunch,
My opinion on this is not directed at you; I actually know a bit about you so wouldn't describe you that way.
"Growing pains." Someone described some difficulties in the beginning of a relationship of ours as that. He was absolutely accurate. We both had difficulties and trust issues brought in from past history, and we both were fearful of the same instances occurring. We tried and tested each other, and yes, we came through it. There was not an unhealthy level of control in that relationship; it was a friendship based on mutual respect, genuine like for the other person and ultimately, romantic love.
I think we just need to be prepared to have those "growing pains" and realize that just because we want to tie up all the answers to the failure of our last relationship as preventive tools for the current one, that we're still going to have to go through that in anything that is worth it.
Oh, and MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/25/2005 9:46:52 AM | cruchberries
They said that a common set of boundaries is IMPORTANT, if you want your relationship to last. None of what I described above is really considered jealous, possesive, insecure, or controlling. Not by the professionals anyway.
what ever happenned to morals and good values and why pay a therapist while these are so easy to obtain for free. All the other stuff you mentioned is a lack of trust. with no morals and good values it is difficult to built any common agreements. | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/25/2005 11:45:52 AM | Jealous, possessive and controlling men turn me off. I think it's pretty annoying and immature. Here are some examples :
- Checking my phone while I am in the other room and demanding who this person is, and that person is
- I go out with friends and he happens to be at the same place, at the same time...gee, what are the chances huh?
- Controlling is the minute the man tells me that he doesn't like what I am wearing. The minute he says that, I say, " Well, too bad...I';m sure you will find someone else with a better outfit ". I don't let ANY MAN control my actions, my clothing, my thoughts... | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/25/2005 12:19:17 PM | | Yeah, I have to agree with the whole controlling how you dress thing. That is just stupid. That is one of those things that people should never try to control. As a matter of fact, I am actually after a committment where I do not have to ever be put in a position where I feel I even have to mention something to someone regarding behavior I consider untrustworthy. And passport, you are right, if there is common respect, there should really never be any need to discuss this kind of thing. A woman of high character and good moral values is a good thing to have. This being said, I dont hold a womans past against her, if she seems to have learned a thing or two from it. And Diggy, we know alot....you know where I am at on this. Luv you hunny. But what I am trying to say here is that there are things people do which REALLY violate a persons independent rights. Then there are things the SO does which probably should not have been done. I want people to start thinking about this with some clarity, instead of using blanket statements of insecurity every time someone does not like a particular action. Sometimes, it isnt insecurity.....no let me say that it IS insecurity, but it is being CAUSED by the actions of the other person. Therefore, sometimes insecurity is perfectly justified by the actions of the other party. I am trying here for people to make a very CLEAR distinction between the two. Like, what would be unacceptable to you as far as a persons contact with a member of the opposite sex?? Opinions will vary on this, but I think if enough people give thier opinions, I can put them into a fairly balanced form and maybe learn where the middle ground really is. | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/25/2005 1:40:56 PM | Some people just go too far, but I personally would not trust anybody 100% immediately. Trust has to be earned over time. If no reason is given to doubt the s/o, the trust is gonna keep growing.
I wouldn't expect a woman to trust me 100% and wouldn't mind if she'd check on me. I'm not doing anything wrong, so why be worried about her checking on me.. So, why would a woman be worried if she has nothing to hide? Women often want that you trust them 100% immediately and that is just not gonna happen. How can you trust somebody 100% if you are just starting to know each other?
As for same sex friendship, I highly doubt that it can exist without sexual interest unless one of them is either ugly or gay.
If a gf wants to do stuff with another guy, she isn't for me. | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/25/2005 2:01:18 PM | | i'm all for allowing the other all the breathing room they wish, i trust my g/f and respect her choice...i would even believe that she'd only cuddle with the other male "friend", but if she choses to do so, i'd be out the door before she comes back and no amount of persuasion would change my mind....that is my choice she'd have to accept. | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/25/2005 2:03:13 PM | i guess there should be healthy, mutually agreed boundaries by two people in a committed relationship that care about each other. If you TRULY love and care about your significant other, the boundaries wont even be discussed because you have got each other and that is all that matters. There will be no need or reason to stick your hands in some other plate.
If there are situations, as in some cases, that make you uncomfortable, then you have to talk it out and set records straight as to what is making you feel that way. Otherwise, such a relationship is bound to fail...
J | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/25/2005 5:32:10 PM | Okay, crunchberries, I can speak from the other side, as I've always had more guy friends than girlfriends. No matter how close we were as friends, (I'm talking platonic relationships, here), when they got married or got into serious relationships, either I didn't see them anymore, or I saw them both as a couple. It wasn't my choice, either. It was theirs. I missed hanging out with them, but as a good friend, I fully understood why it had to be that way.
Now, I have a best friend who is gay....how would guys feel about continuing that relationship? (I still wouldn't do the overnighter, but he's my favorite shopping buddy) I'm just asking out of curiousity. It would never be an issue since I'm moving out of state, and he's staying here. | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/25/2005 5:52:35 PM | ^^^^^ @DCee.....
Gay friends are completely excluded since they are one of the girls. And I love the well balanced view you have on this. I wish that everyone had this view because it would make it so much easier to deal with the issue. The overnighters are tricky because of this. My ex had overnighters at her girlfriends house. She did it so she would not have to drink and drive. Sounds logical right?? And this was supposed to be a good female friend of mine who she was staying with. Sounds even MORE logical right?? But you know what she did?? She used that opportunity to cheat on me. So, some of you will have to forgive me if I am somewhat skeptical of the motives behind overnighters and people "getting space" etc. I am very aware that they need it. But I am also very aware of what can happen if they let things go too far. That having been said, I will also agree that trust grows with time. The longer I am with someone, the better a friend they are to me, along with being a lover. So, in that respect, a person who has been with me longer does tend to get a "longer rope" with which to hang herself. I am less uncomfortable with situations then. Also, I am aware of the .38 special song...I like that song. Nevertheless, in reality we all must hold on loosely within boundaries set by both partners. I disagree that these should not be discussed, as I feel that the person on the other side may feel that you have a tolerance for things that you dont. This is where the fighting starts. Unmet expectations.....those are the biggest relationship killers. Anyway, I want to hear from more of you. I am beginning to realize that there are alot more people than just me who feel this way...I am trying to get a baseline opinion, and I am starting to get one, I think. | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/25/2005 6:09:28 PM | | Ya know something Crunchberries?? I think we are not gonna get anywhere with this topic because the more we explain what we mean the more its turned on us to make us look like controlling monsters when in fact I know we both see things on the same level as well as a few others who joined in...but we as guys are supposed to sit back and let the girls come and go as they please and we are not supposed to even ask any questions for fear of being labeled as controlling....you let that be the other way around and us guys were goin out and spending a n evening with another girl when we have a GF at home and we would see the flack we would get....lol | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/25/2005 6:38:06 PM | | I believe that I agree with you on that Jag. The fact is that girls who like to run out alot ALSO seem to be the ones who are most pissed if we dont stay at home. In addition, these are the ones who expect us to instantly answer emails and phone calls. They want our life to revolve around them, but want theirs to revolve around a whole variety of people. It has proven to be quite true in many cases that I have seen. The problem is that a large number of men in this world have been with women who did not run out, yet cheated on them, thus spoiling these girls view of things. See, sometimes, we cause our own problems in this sense. Nevertheless, I do feel that the balance, as it were, has shifted somewhat as women have begun to realize their sexual power. This is unfortunate because I could make someone a very good partner, if they could do right by me. | |
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| Jealous possesive insecure controlling behavior
Posted: 12/25/2005 6:57:44 PM | @Crunch---
I totally believe it goes back to the way you were raised growing up....Whether or not their was violence, abuse, parents calling each other constantly....More things like who controls the money in a household...Who checks up on who during the day.....My da was like that with my mom alot...Not sayin anything bad about my dad.....He just wanted a secure tight fit relationship with my mom...I see it that way now after 3 years of my dad passing ......He might of "controlled" my mom and stalked or checked up on her, But he loved her.....My dad would call her work to see if she really went in that day....He would keep track of their sex life--mark it on a calendar......She couldn't wear makup, no fancy clothes.. Nothin to tight fittin on her body.....He didn't want anyone to see her fixed up I think...My mom has inner beauty though.......She never needed anything fancy....But now that my dad is gone , My mom dresses really nice and has her hair done and wears makup...She spends alot of money on clothes and shoes, boots, jewlry......My mom may not be happy on the inside since my dad passed on but she looks happy for once in her life on the outside....... | |
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