| Trust Issues
Posted: 12/27/2005 12:13:38 AM | Hello readers,
I have a dilemma and was hoping that maybe there are some wise folks out there who have been in my shoes and who would care to share how they dealt with it.
I was cheated on repeatedly by my ex-husband over the 8 years of our marriage (we've been divorced 8 years). I was left feeling broken, rejected, and that there was something wrong with me. I spent the next 8 years bettering myself and getting over the loss of my marriage. I thought I had worked through all my issues surrounding the infidelity of my ex. But now as I'm entering the dating scene again I find that I haven't worked through it all, and I still have trust issues. I still worry that I'm the type to be cheated on. I worry that I'll do something to cause someone to cheat. I'm worried that I pick the type that would cheat on me. How do I overcome these feelings? Trust is so very important in a relationship (another question is this: is trust given or earned?) and distrust can destroy a relationship, so I'm very serious about getting past this fear so I can be in a healthy relationship.
Thanks in advance to anyone with advice or anecdotal help.
Mindy | |
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| Trust Issues
Posted: 12/27/2005 12:20:23 AM | i think when you get into your next relationship to make sure you discuss this with the guy, so he knows about it. trust is always a tricky situation, but usually due to lack of communication. that way he should understand if/when questions come up in the future (and they always do). it helps guys to have some past history to understand your thought process.
everyone applies past relationships to current relationships. the bad thing about that is, all past relationships failed (or else we'd still be in them).
but not all behaviors that might seem similar to the past automatically equal cheating.
and in my opinion, trust is earned. that doesn't mean i automatically have someone in the doghouse and they have to work themselves out of it; just that the more i am around them, the more i trust them, and the more i open up..... | |
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| Trust Issues
Posted: 12/27/2005 12:21:07 AM | Hi Mindy,
Oh boy, can I relate. I've suffered the odd betrayal with this type of thing and I can relate to your having difficulty trusting yourself to choose someone who isn't a cheater by nature. I wish there was something I could tell you that worked for me but to date I haven't had a long term relationship that hasn't ended in serious heartache, whether I had to leave because it was unbearable or whether he left because it was for him.
I think the key thing for me now is , can I trust myself and what and how will I deal with it if it happens again. There is always that possibility but there are usually reasons why people cheat and if we remove those reasons and have rewarding relationships, we might stand a better chance of procuring that for ourselves.
My heart goes out to you...I understand what it's like to wonder if you are fundamentally choosing this kind of man and you are now gun shy. I am too. I gave my trust away in the past and have since learned that my trust will now be earned. I always give a certain measure...I'm not paranoid, but I do believe that in matters of the heart, it really boils down to the love you share and how much trust is built there.
I believe that a little trust is given...and most of the important trust is earned over time and consistency of behaviour. | |
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| Trust Issues
Posted: 12/27/2005 12:40:55 AM | @ blastkist - love the pic.....Merry Christmas to you and yours!!!
As for the trust issue....
I think trust is earned. I am certainly not the jealous type and don't make a big deal out of actions/reactions of my partner but I do watch - if it takes a pair of stay up fishnets and stilettos for him to give me "the look" but I hear him growl every time someone else of the opposite sex walks by I consider that.....why is that??? etc. etc. etc. I could go on for hours - not that he is under constant scrutiny but I do believe "actions speak louder than words". Watch and learn.....listening is good too but truly watch the actions of a potential partner and you will know. Cheating is more of a trait than a reaction to a current isue in a relationship....learn his traits.
OP you are a beautiful woman and I hope that you are not thinking that you are doing anything to cause this ....although I agree there are always reasons....those reasons often do not always have anything to do with the person that the cheater is with....often it is within themselves (trait) developed long before you ever came along ...ie. insecurities of their own. | |
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| Trust Issues
Posted: 12/27/2005 1:26:48 AM | Mindy, the first thing I think you should do is sit down with yourself and define what it is you think is "cheating". Look through the other threads here where this topic has been discussed numerous times for additional opinions.
Then, once you are comfortable with your definition, make sure that before you enter any new "relationship" you discuss what is on your list. If he agrees, great, but if he does not, then maybe you will have to review what those things mean to you, or move on to someone else who has the same feelings as you do.
Some Anecdotes:
I was discussing my own marital failure years ago with a good friend and he asked, "Do you ever look at other women?"
"Of course I 'look'," I said, "so does she [my ex], but we never 'touch'."
He said point blank, "If I ever looked at another woman, my wife would leave me, and if she ever looked at another man, I would leave her."
I have since confirmed this statement with her. They have been happily married for close to 25 years and have a tremendous family life. And in their relationship, even looking at someone else would be "cheating".
Another couple I know (and actually, I know a few couples like this), they could have sex with other people if they wanted. "Swingers" is the common term. They love each other deeply, but they do not see sexual monogamy as a requirement for happiness.
There are some people (women included!) who think that sex with an ex is okay, even when involved with someone new. It is not cheating because you have had sex with them before. (Personally, I will never understand some of this logic, but that is what was told to me.)
Several couple I know "play" outside of the relationship. There are specific limits on what is acceptable and what is not. The kind of play varies from mild "adult-play" that does not involve sex to explorations of homosexual fantasies (it is not cheating because she is not with another MAN) to full-blown participation in elaborate sexual fantasies involving everything you could imaging including multiple sexual partners at the same time.
One friend of mine complains about her husband's use of pornography, while she engages in erotic chat on the Internet. I ask her if that is not hypocritical, to which she says that, "if he is going to do that, I am going to do this". While it might be working for them, I do not consider that attitude all that healthy.
And amongst all the other couples I know, there is a varying degree of tolerance for many other kinds of potential cheating.
So, make yourself a list of things you would consider acts of infidelity. It is amazing to me sometimes how different two peoples' opinions can be on this subject. If you think that only sleeping with ... okay, I will be more specific ... vaginal or anal intercourse with another woman is cheating, then everything up to that is okay. On the other hand, if you think that your man should not even look at another woman, then there is a very long list of things that would be unacceptable. (All forms of sex of course which might or might not include masturbation, dating, flirting, cyber-sex or erotic chat, viewing pornography, having a 'wandering eye', etc. etc.).
And remember ... whatever you expect of him, it is only fair that he would expect it of you.
Good Luck! | |
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| Trust Issues
Posted: 12/27/2005 3:51:25 AM | | First of all, you didnt do anything to be cheated on in the first place, so get rid of that idea. I know the cheater always will tell you that but it isnt true so put that away. Second, being concerned about cheating is not really such a bad thing. Infidelity is a very common thing so its a legitimate concern. Third, the best thing to do is to learn what the red flags are ahead of time and be secure enough to let someone go before a potential problem arises. Thats the most important thing. There is no way to get back the kind of nieve trust you had before, so forget doing that. Just play it smarter this time around. | |
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| Trust Issues
Posted: 12/27/2005 6:36:10 AM | My ex-husband cheated on me. My ex-boyfriend cheated on me. At first, since the common factor was me, I thought I had caused it. You know what? I didn't. It wasn't me, it was them. I did nothing out of the ordinary in my life, and they thought that they should. I finally realized that some men are controlled by their little brains, not their big brains.
OT: Honey, you should consider yourself lucky to be rid of such scum. Trust is a two way street. As it was said earlier, find out what you consider cheating, and decide who deserves your trust. Some men are okay, but some are the scum of the earth. You'll fall back into the game in no time.  | |
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| Trust Issues
Posted: 12/27/2005 7:15:03 AM | Listen to your gut feelings is my advice, I've developed some "rules" over time, and if I listen to them I have success! Don't get yourself into a position where you are willing to ignore your little voice just to be with someone. I'm sure you remember how your ex acted with you, he probably watched every move you made.
If a guy is too possessive or distrustful, chances are he's a cheater so steer clear.
I could give you a ton of examples about what I mean, but generally if a guy is keeping tabs on you even though you've just met, etc. you should take this as a sign that he's a creep. | |
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| Trust Issues
Posted: 12/27/2005 7:16:28 AM | | Well it takes 2 to enter a relationship and 2 to break it. Nobody runs to another person....they usually run away from a person because that person didn't furnish something that was needed. Find out what your inadequacies are and work on them. | |
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| Trust Issues
Posted: 12/27/2005 7:24:10 AM | | I think there are red flags in the beginning. If you have attracted people who cheated in the past, sit down and try to remember what the warning signs were in the beginning. There ARE warning signs, and most choose to ignore them. If you can determine what they were, keep them at the forefront of your brain. When you meet people who are sending you these red flags, make a conscious decision to walk away. You can't change anyone but yourself. | |
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| Trust Issues
Posted: 12/27/2005 7:24:33 AM | blastkist mentioned staying away from someone who is a "cheater by nature". That thought kind of intrigued me, I'm going to make a post with that in the topic. I'm curious to see how people kind of size up this quality in people. What are the tell-tale signs?
Nobody wants to be burned by a cheater. How to get over your fear of dating a cheater? One thing not to do is ask your partner directly if he has cheated before. A cheater would probably lie and a non-cheater would be turned off by the question.
Once you trust your instincts, I'd think this fear of being with a cheater would go away. Trust-building is important. That reduces the probability of your partner cheating, I'd think. Obviously you shouldn't follow your partner around, but say your partner suddenly changes a familiar behavior. I'd then be concerned--then communication would be the key to diffusing the fear of cheating. But be careful not to accuse your partner of cheating unless you have proof. Without physical evidence or having a P.I. follow your man around, you shouldn't assume he's cheating--talk things out, I always recommend that, because often a man needs to know if something is truly bothering his partner.
Good luck to you Homie! :+) | |
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| Trust Issues
Posted: 12/27/2005 8:51:58 AM | Hi flh,
Ummm trust, yeah I struggle with that too ! My philosophy is that you really can't change what you get, but you can understand it better. So give him plenty of slack and if it's enough he will hang. It is a laissez faire approach but you will come to know the truth. | |
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| Trust Issues
Posted: 12/27/2005 9:07:12 AM | | If trust is earned, then how do you earn it? How do you give someone the opportunity to get to know you and for you to get to know them without having some sort of inherent feeling of trust in the first place? Trust is given, and it is taken away. Trust is a gift. You give it to them knowing that they'll do whatever they want to do with it. If you don't have the courage to trust someone knowing that they may abuse it (because anything can happen), then you probably aren't ready for a relationship. | |
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arri
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Joined: 10/5/2005
Msg: 14 | |
| Trust Issues
Posted: 12/27/2005 9:12:36 AM | Trust is one of those things that needs to be built ... not earned. If you are one of those girls who has serious trust issues, you are no good to anyone because you are going to make it so difficult for the man to earn your trust that he will usually just gives up and goes for someone else with less bullshit.
I am a firm believer that everyone deserves the benefit of doubt.
I trust easy .. but never forget or forgive if I am let down. | |
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| Trust Issues
Posted: 12/27/2005 9:23:16 AM | As we can all say, "We all have issues and we are all dealing with them."
Having said that, I can say most of us have been in the same situation and its hard to get past it even when you are with the right person. If I have learned anything from mine is that if you expect them to cheat or you think they will cheat, they will cheat. That type of attitude just creates problems with the relationship and it will break down and at some point, it will just happen. Its hard to remember that everyone you meet is different that what happened in one relationship does not mean it will happen in another. Best thing you can do is to talk about it with the person. Let them know what your fears are and help each other get past them. We all keep forgetting that a relationship takes two people who actively care about each others feelings that we want to know what those feelings are and how we can overcome them together. If you leave them out and try to only deal with them yourself, it will eventually create issues but also on the other point you must also be willing to deal with it yourself and not expect someone to solve them for you for that will never happen.
As for trust earned or given, in my opinion it has to be given and given freely. Nothing is more frustrating in getting to know someone if you are constantly worried that someone is cheating or lying to you. It ends the relationship before it can ever take root.
My best advice is not look at dating someone for a relationship but rather date someone to get to know as a friend and let it grow into a relationship. I think we can all say that if the friendship is not there the relationship never lasts.
I hope this helps | |
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| Trust Issues
Posted: 12/27/2005 9:29:22 AM | Hi Mindy...well, you're not alone hon... and I'll bet that many women have a carbon-copy story to tell...me included. I have the same questions and issues...and it's been a long time for me too. I think it's about setting up boundaries that are firm and listening to those intuitive feelings.
There are so many aspects to look at, and at times it's just a confusing ball of stuff, so trust yourself and your feelings, if this potential person doesn't do or say what they mean or their actions don't coincide with their words, then take another look at them. Giving yourself up intimately and emotionally should be reserved for when you're sure that he would feel the same way, and you would know that he feels this way through his actions and words.
Having said that though.....nothing is a for sure thing Mindy, and all you can do is try to look after your best interests and know that even if there are some who aren't trustworthy, there are still many who are.
Good luck... | |
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| Trust Issues
Posted: 12/27/2005 9:41:17 AM | The problem with trust issues is the afflicted person will assume their partner is cheating or trying to cheat and will treat them accordingly. They love intensely one moment and pull back the next determined not to get hurt. The partner sees/senses such bizarre behavior/attitude and thinks the person is nuts. 
It's really a choice. Give it your all or hold back and end up losing the relationship. The ironic thing is the person that holds back and loses the relationship says, "I just knew things wouldn't work." Of course they knew. They played it like that. They believed it wouldn't work and acted accordingly.
In most cases you will not know if your partner cheats. It may come out at some later date but when it starts you will not know so there is no point in worrying about it. | |
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arri
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Joined: 10/5/2005
Msg: 18 | |
| Trust Issues
Posted: 12/27/2005 10:08:24 AM | They love intensely one moment and pull back the next determined not to get hurt. The partner sees/senses such bizarre behavior/attitude and thinks the person is nuts.
Nicely said Dave. I have experienced that many times and now .... the moment I feel like I am walking on egg shells .... I run. It's not my job to help some woman with her trust issues and certainly not what I want out of a relationship.
I would imagine most people feel the same way. | |
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| Trust Issues
Posted: 12/27/2005 10:09:37 AM | i would have to agree ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
it's hard work to constantly convince someone you're not doing anything wrong | |
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| Trust Issues
Posted: 12/27/2005 10:18:48 AM | | Another thing to consider if he's letting you set the pace. And that pace should be SLOW! People who are truly interested in each other will take the time to get to know each other really well. People who are looking to get laid ASAP and as often as possible, like to do the old sweep them off their feet, lavish you with almost constant attention. In the getting acquainted stage, don't email each other 10 times a day, and don't spend 3 or 4 hours on the phone, just as an example. Limit your contact somewhat. Let them get to know you at a pace that you're comfortable with. And a complete stranger who wants to suck up a huge block of your time immediately is most likely NOT wanting to get to know YOU as a PERSON. If they're fine with taking the time to get to know you, then more likely they ARE interested in you. People who make a big investment in another person is less likely to cheat. Getting laid is a lot easier and quicker than actually building a relationship. | |
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| Trust Issues
Posted: 12/27/2005 10:54:36 AM | oh yeah i definetly get what your saying
most of my relationships have ended due to cheating
i even try to be understanding but no matter what i allow for or how good i try to be they just keep cheating it's the behind my back thing that gets me ..i've tried to be open about it when i leave town(i preffer monogamy if i can get it) but they always seem to do it behind my back ..an thats what burns
it's hard to trust my own judgement
i'm honest and open and i do the best i know how so i can't offer anymore... guess i just have to trust myself
the closest i have come to a compromise is ..tell me who u have the interest in and why first.
it would be hard for me to accept but it's as close to a compromise as i can get
or call an break up with me before you do ..some shred of respect for me before they cheat..but thats too much to ask i guess
i almost wonder if this has truth ..(if i like her ..she's gonna be a cheat)
cheating is something i will not do ..i been burned by it too many times to inflict it
so i despise it when i see it in others
my last 2 gf's ...i walked in on one in the act with her ex when i came home early
the second ..i was gone less then a week an she was decked out in leather an gone to the singles bar ..home at 11 am..an tellin her friends the details ...which came back to me via msn logs..both these relationships were over 6 months ..not long i know but it allmost looks like a trend in my life and i refuse to accept that
so i keep trying to find a woman that shares my values....one step at a time
she will earn my trust | |
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arri
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Joined: 10/5/2005
Msg: 22 | |
| Trust Issues
Posted: 12/27/2005 12:40:01 PM |
most of my relationships have ended due to cheating
No
By the time cheating happens, the relationship has been pretty much over for some time. | |
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| Trust Issues
Posted: 12/27/2005 1:36:38 PM | nonnick: The one who was with her ex ... did she try to tell you it was not "cheating"? I have heard that explanation before. "I am not cheating on my current b/f because he knows I have had sex with my ex before." It is like they can project the event back in time or something.
Honestly, I really do not understand feminine logic at times. *smile* | |
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| Trust Issues
Posted: 12/27/2005 1:54:41 PM | Hi Everyone,
Thanks for your words of wisdom. I have learned some important information: communication is key, be aware of where my fear stems from, being cheated on has little to do with me, be aware of the warning signs so that I don't have irrational fears and impose my past experience on my current situation, and trust myself to get out when I know I need to.
Thanks again,
Mindy | |
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| Trust Issues
Posted: 12/27/2005 2:14:06 PM |
did she try to tell you it was not "cheating"?
no she didn't try to say much i saw what i saw and there was no denying anything
..was it over earlier ..probably but i was either too blind or she hid it well
it's the complete lack of respect that hurts the most
i do not deserve that kind of disrespect
i'm a kind,honest and open person ..seems like sometimes life punishes me for it?...one day it will reward me for it too
but i can honestly say...betrayal sucks | |
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