| funny jokes
Posted: 6/27/2004 2:55:41 PM | How to tell if you're an e-mail junkie:
-You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
-You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
-You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
-Your PET has its own home page.
-You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
-You don't know what sex three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
-You tell the cab driver you live at "http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html"
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| Re: funny jokes
Posted: 6/27/2004 6:07:54 PM | a woman lived on farm by herself, one day a stranger came knocking at her door. he asked if he could use her phone. she said " of course but i have to use the bathroom, i'll be right back." after using the bathroom she came down stairs and found that the man had left. she had some clothes hanging on a line outside, so she went to get them. she noticed that all her pants were on the ground. she thought to herself somebody had to pull them off the line. then she heard her donkey going berserk in the barn. she went inside and found the donkey painted completely green. then she heard her cat inside the house screeching. she ran into the back of the house and when she entered, the
man who asked to use the phone, ran out the front door. then the cat came running by her and it was shaved completely bald. at that piont she decided to call the police. the officer who answered the phone asked what happened. the woman said "officer, somebody
pulled down my pants, shaved my pussy, and painted my ass green." | |
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| Re: funny jokes
Posted: 6/28/2004 12:52:29 PM | | oh...love your jokes ....madeliana | |
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| Re: funny jokes
Posted: 6/28/2004 3:08:20 PM | | people in here come up with the best jokes | |
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| Re: funny jokes
Posted: 6/28/2004 5:45:14 PM | One I pulled at work...
(Comes in rubbing neck)
"Hey, are you OK?"
"Yeah, got a viagra caught in my throat last night, my neck's been stiff all morning."
- Jordan | |
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| Re: funny jokes
Posted: 3/25/2005 9:48:31 PM | Superman and Lois Lane get into a big fight. Superman flies off and says he's going to get some real puss-y. After a little while he sees Wonder Woman sun tanning naked on top of the Empire State Building. So faster than a speeding bullet, he flies down, has his way with her and flies away. Wonder woman opens her eyes and says "What the hell was that?" The Invisible man says "I don't know, but my butt sure does hurt."
A man moves to the US from India. After getting his apartment he decides he needs a few things. He goes to the bakery and asks for a "bum". The baker looks at him and says "Oh, you mean a bun. OK." Next the man goes into a hardware store and say "I need a fukett". The clerk replies "Oh, a bucket. No prob man." Fearing that he may be lonely without his family, the Indian goes to the pet store and says " I would like to buy dat cokenspenkit". He points to the****rspaniel and the clerk sells it to him. The Indian then goes outside and the dog breaks free from his leash. Afraid, the Indian asks an officer "Can you please hold my bum and fukett, while I grab my cokenspenkit". (This joke is much funnier verbally) | |
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| Re: funny jokes
Posted: 3/25/2005 10:48:42 PM | What do gay prostitutes and mullets have in common?
Always business up front and party in the back. | |
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| Re: funny jokes
Posted: 3/26/2005 6:40:27 AM | This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation
of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of
Newfoundland in October, 1995.
*******************************************************
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval
Operations 10-10-95.
*******************************************************
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to
the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15
degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I
say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS
MISSOURI, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US
NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call. | |
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| Re: funny jokes
Posted: 3/27/2005 9:16:08 PM | A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too." | |
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| Re: funny jokes
Posted: 3/27/2005 9:17:23 PM | | A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I’m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus he’s screwing me." "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry." | |
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| Re: funny jokes
Posted: 3/28/2005 1:35:47 AM | Beldin,
I'm a big fan of urban legends and myths. So as to not confuse anyone, I would like to point out that the above joke about the US Navy ship and the light house are not true. As much as I would love it to be true. Being a Canadian, I love to poke fun at our neighbors south of us, but this isn't a chance to do it. I've pasted a link below so as you can have a reference to why as it is not true. Tha navy also had something on there site to disprove it, but I can no longer find it.
http://www.snopes.com/military/lighthse.htm#navy
But speaking of making fun of Americans, I saw this on a T-shirt once and laughed.
Canada - We're bigger, we're on top. If North America was prison, the US would be our bit-ch | |
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| funny jokes
Posted: 3/28/2005 5:39:23 AM | Mr. Trigg called home. His daughter answered.
"Hi Daddy." She said.
"Hello, my little princess. I need to speak to your mother." the father said.
His Daughter says: "She is upstairs with uncle Joe."
He said: "Uncle Joe? We don't have an uncle Joe, Sweetheart."
She said: "Well Unlce Joe is over here and they are both up stairs."
He said: "Well go up stairs and tell your mommy that Daddy just pulled up in the driveway."
The daughter runs up stairs to tell her mommy.
"I am back Dad.", she said.
"What happened when you told her?" He asked.
"Well, Mommy jumped up naked and she tripped over her clothes and hit her head on her dresser. Uncle Joe also got up naked and he jumped out the window into the pool." his daughter said.
"Uncle Joe thought that the pool was full of water but remember you drained it? Uncle Joe is not moving, Daddy."
"A Pool? Princess, Is this 555-1234"? | |
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| Re: funny jokes
Posted: 3/29/2005 1:29:28 PM | Joel,
As Robin Williams once said....Canada is the studio apartment above a HUGE PARTY.  | |
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| Re: funny jokes
Posted: 3/29/2005 11:02:36 PM | Quote from the new New Testament:
Matthew 3:15 - But Jesus answered him, "izzle it be so niznow; fo` thus it is fitt'n fo` us ta fulfil all righteousness." Tizzle he consented fo' sho'. | |
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| Re: funny jokes
Posted: 3/30/2005 12:44:50 AM | | One day a lady walked into her son's room to clean up. As she was picking up the dirty clothes, and getting under the bed, she pulled out a few magazines. She was shocked as she looked through them to discover they were hard core porn and S&M magazines. When the boy came home, his mother told him to go to his room and wait till his father got home. When dad arived, mother showed him the magazines. "This is YOUR son, you have to deal with this. I'm SO embarrased." Dad looked through the pages, flipping forwards and backwards through the photos. "Well, " said the mother," What ARE we gonna do?" "Well," says the dad, "We certainly aren't gonna spank him." | |
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| Re: funny jokes
Posted: 3/30/2005 10:55:14 AM | A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we
started cussing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues,
"When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm going say something with hell
and you say something with ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the
kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,
"Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets
up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot
pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His Mom locks him in his
room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a
stern voice,
"And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers,
"but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios." | |
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| funny jokes
Posted: 3/30/2005 9:58:03 PM | A teacher was having a tasting day where she would put candy in the kids' mouth and they would guess what it was. She went to the first little boy and put a Hershey's Kiss in his mouth.
"Can you guess what it is?"
"I don't know," said the boy.
"I'll give you a hint. It's something your daddy asks your mommy for every morning."
The girl next to the boy says "Don't eat it!!! It's a piece of ass." | |
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| funny jokes
Posted: 3/30/2005 10:17:25 PM | hahaha I love that one ^^^  | |
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| funny jokes
Posted: 3/31/2005 5:47:35 AM | Subject: Irish Joke
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said
to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another
woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed
together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as
putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For
your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the
poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers
and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a
moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him
saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the
poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on
the box, and according to you, that's the same as
putting it in. | |
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| Re: funny jokes
Posted: 3/31/2005 10:55:00 PM | | Don't you mean stoopid americans? | |
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| Re: funny jokes
Posted: 4/1/2005 6:25:18 AM | Man: What's your number?
Woman: 555-3-633 (F-OFF) | |
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| Re: funny jokes
Posted: 4/1/2005 8:08:22 AM | | i had a car made in canada once it was thebest 100 bucks i overspent | |
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