| Men and commitment
Posted: 1/4/2006 7:41:13 AM |
Seinfeld quote :
Why is commitment such a big problem for a man? I think that for some reason when a man is driving down that freeway of love, the woman he's with is like an exit, but he doesn't want to get off there. He wants to keep driving.
And the woman is like, "Look, gas, food, lodging , that's our exit, that's everything we need to be happy...Get off here, now !"
But the man is focusing on sign underneath that says, "Next exit 27 miles ," and he thinks, "I can make it." Sometimes he can, sometimes he can't. Sometimes, the car ends up on the side of the road, hood up and smoke pouring out of the engine. He's sitting on the curb all alone, "I guess I didn't realize how many miles I was racking up."
I recently went on a date with a guy who told me about how when he was about 28 he was "in love" with this great girl and they had lived together for a while and she asked him one night if there was a future for them and obviously she was at a point where she wanted to have children and wondered if and when they would ever get married. He told her he wasn't ready for marriage and went out ...when he came back she had left and he came back to an empty house.
He said...."damn I really loved that girl". Here he is 20 yrs later still thinking about her and after a failed marriage now searching for a mate. It didn't make sense to me. If he loved her why didn't he tell her he wasn't ready right now but he would be and give her some time reference? Instead he's "sitting on a curb all alone". | |
|
| Men and commitment
Posted: 1/4/2006 7:51:57 AM | Who knows what reason in particular he wasn’t ready for marriage. But I don’t know if things have turned out so badly for him. He was married and now he can date a great woman ... sounds pretty good to me.
I know my view (so do most here). It has led me to dump a few really great women over the past two years. I have no regrets. But I want to be alone and it is my life goal.
I will add this (and I am probably gpoing to be bashed): I think men take marriage much more seriously than women. They want to make sure they are ready, where as I think Western society programs women to be ready from the first time they pick up a “Wedding Barbie.” And nowadays, I think men have to be even more careful. A woman will divorce you without thinking twice. A single co-worker of mine is coming up on 29. She’s been engaged once, lived with another guy for three years but has never been married. The thought consumes her. I think if I asked her, she would marry me tomorrow. I find more women who are like that than guys who are like that. | |
|
arri
|
Joined: 10/5/2005
Msg: 3 | |
| Men and commitment
Posted: 1/4/2006 8:04:40 AM |
I think men take marriage much more seriously than women. They want to make sure they are ready, where as I think Western society programs women to be ready from the first time they pick up a “Wedding Barbie.”
I agree.
Then again. If women didn't beat us over the head with it constantly .. we'd never be ready.  | |
|
| Men and commitment
Posted: 1/4/2006 8:04:45 AM | I don't understand the difference between saying, "I'm not ready" and "I'm not ready right now." Saying "I'm not ready" implies that he's not ready at the moment. It's certainly not about last century or the next decade, is it?
Maybe I'm missing the point of the story, but I don't see that the moral of this story being about men having a lack of committment. I see it as a lack of looking forward. This man still regrets his past, and I don't get it. If he wasn't ready, he wasn't ready. 'Nough said. | |
|
| Men and commitment
Posted: 1/4/2006 8:12:39 AM | ^^ he THOUGHT he wasn't ready because like most men he figured something better may come along and he may miss out. Instead he just missed out...period. Remember he said..he really LOVED that girl. Lack of commitment.
and YamI.... he told me after the date that he was looking for "friends with benefits" so I guess it's just his Modus Operandi and he never learned from the past. | |
|
| Men and commitment
Posted: 1/4/2006 8:21:24 AM | What's the difference between thinking you're not ready and not being ready? Both are psychological--both signify that he really wasn't ready. This isn't a question of lack of commitment. It's not as if this guy started seeing other women before she left. She left because she wanted to, because she interpreted his answer as never being ready. I don't think he should blame himself. He was honest, and she chose to leave. That's reality. He should've yelled, "NEXT!" long ago. And I'm not blamingthe woman either. Relationships are sometimes about timing more than anything else.
The lack of commitment card is becoming crap. If a man is hesitant, he lacks commitment; if a woman hesitates, she's independent. | |
|
| Reply To #1
Posted: 1/4/2006 8:25:43 AM | Easy....he was 28 and was not sure if he was ready for all of that yet. Believe it or not most young guys are not ready for marriage but usually sucked into it due to a pregnacy which eventually that marriage ends up in divorce down the road.
Can't speak for everyone though but some young guys are ready for it and most are not. Now in the 21st century most guys are trying to avoid the marriage thingy because of the high divorce rate in this country.
Also guys lose their butts 90 something percent of the time after divorce. A woman really has nothing to lose especially if they have a child. Women will get it all and the man even if he has a great job will be driving a junker after divorce.
Women have no concept of what men go through with divorce, in this country it's always a one sided story by women but you never hear the other side of it do you? Wouldn't it be ironic if the laws changed and instead of men losing their butts the women did. I bet ya the rolls would be reversed and more men would want to get married than women would. | |
|
arri
|
Joined: 10/5/2005
Msg: 8 | |
| Reply To #1
Posted: 1/4/2006 8:27:39 AM | | Everyone has had at least one person "who got away" ... that's called life | |
|
| Men and commitment
Posted: 1/4/2006 8:31:16 AM | Squirrly,
That tells you all you need to know about that man.
But I am a little disappointed that you classify all men as always looking for something better down the road. I know you don't feel that way. For whatever reason, in that man's case, he wasn't ready. But I can tell you when a man thinks he has found the right woman, he will commit. If he's not committing to you, you're not the right woman. | |
|
arri
|
Joined: 10/5/2005
Msg: 10 | |
| Men and commitment
Posted: 1/4/2006 8:33:52 AM | | And he found you boink worthy ... but not relationship worthy ... you should just throw him back ... unless he was really hot ... | |
|
| Men and commitment
Posted: 1/4/2006 8:37:53 AM | It's so very boring to me that people STILL don't realize what they have until they no longer have it.
Summer, relationships are sometimes about timing, sure. But I think the basis of a relationship is intent. How can you even be in a relationship if you never made the decision to be in one? Because you casually just fell into one? That's a piss poor excuse/reason. And in my opinion, this is why so many relationships fail. Without intent to some degree, you're pretty much free falling.
I don't know why we can't just stay the hell away from eachother when we "aren't ready", "don't know what we want"...blahblahblah. I think more peeps should be like my best buddy, the YamI.
If you want a FB, say so and have that and only that.
If you want to date 10 people at once, say so and do that and only that.
If you want to see me and me only, say so and do that and only that.
If you want me to fuk only you, say so and fuk only me.
blahblahblah... | |
|
| Men and commitment
Posted: 1/4/2006 8:39:49 AM | Gotta love the way FG simplifies the whole process  | |
|
| Men and commitment
Posted: 1/4/2006 8:40:31 AM |
Maybe I'm missing the point of the story, but I don't see that the moral of this story being about men having a lack of committment. I see it as a lack of looking forward. This man still regrets his past, and I don't get it. If he wasn't ready, he wasn't ready. 'Nough said.
Sounds like she had more of a problem than the guy did. If she up and left after he said he wasn't ready. She sounds more interested in the diea of being married, and not being married to the right person. | |
|
| Men and commitment
Posted: 1/4/2006 8:41:15 AM | | FG--I wish everyone were that honest. I just threw one back because she wasn't. | |
|
| Men and commitment
Posted: 1/4/2006 8:46:09 AM | Summer, I can relate. We're cool without them.
YamI... | |
|
| Men and commitment
Posted: 1/4/2006 8:52:50 AM | Timeposter: She did the right thing by moving out because what was point in wasting more time with someone who was not thinking along the same lines as her. It would have been even better had she not shacked up with him in the first place.
When two people shack up, the immoral aspect of it alone is irreprehensible. Additionally, there is nothing for the man and woman to work towards. And then add to this equation the kids who get born. I am likely to get bashed on this. Both get sex for free. "Why buy the cow when you get milk for free" is one argument that can be made for the lack of readiness. There is no commitement in such a situation and whatever commitment there might be, is simply not strong enough to sustain the relationship. More shackups end in a breakup than the ones in a married situation.
Before anyone starts with examples of how it worked for them, I understand there are always going to be exceptions. | |
|
| Men and commitment
Posted: 1/4/2006 8:56:47 AM | | The point of a lasting relationship done on purpose is to provide people with a way to work towards something in the future. It is to be able to count on being in the relationship. Men and women can agree in principle that they both want a relationship to last, but men instinctively know it won't work out unless they are the one in charge. So, whenever it's the woman who is pushing for commitment, he is hosed. It turns into sexual blackmail. If he wants to get laid some more, he agrees with her plans and they get married. Then later the marriage blows up because it wasn't his idea and she calls the shots. It would take the man having a solid idea of his own future, and she was a part of that. Then he is happy about a lasting relationship. If a guy is whipped into playing in someone else's dollhouse, he will eventually leave to go look for his missing testicles, unless of course he enjoys his neutered domestic life as her pet. Men will fight and die for freedom, but once they give into servitude they become less than men. It's about whose idea it is and whether the man stars in his own movie or is just some two-dimensional character in her chick flick. | |
|
| Men and commitment
Posted: 1/4/2006 9:11:46 AM | Mykidsdadiam
The story by the OP seems to say she left , while he was out at the store or something. Now I can see if the guy said " No I don't ever intend to get married", that there would be some motivation to move on. To me it seems she had the marriage bug, and didn't want to wait around.
The whole immorality of co-habitation is a whole other thread. | |
|
| Men and commitment
Posted: 1/4/2006 9:39:12 AM | I know this is a generalization and plenty of women will say "I'm not that way" but from what I have seen over the years the women push for commitment when the men seem to be happy with whatever stage the relationship is in and see no reason to move further ie: living together, why get married? etc while when the man starts pushing for a commitment the women class them as needy and run away even faster. I have been ready and have commited to relationships and marriage and perhaps it is just the "type" of woman I am attracted to but in the end it doesn't seem to matter how good the sex is, how much attention I show, how much sharing of housework, finances, etc eventually they need attention from someone else to re-validate themselves. Even the best attention and relationship seems to get old to them.
For good or bad the trends of society placed most of the responsibility of keeping the relationship going squarely on female shoulders for centuries and now all that is gone. Of course my views do not come from any large scale statistics only from the dozen or so couples who have gotten divorced within my orbital circle of friends over the last 5 to 7 years or so. But the same scenario has played out without fail... Woman says she is not appreciated IE: NO ATTENTION... she drops weight (ya funny stuff there) and goes out to find the attention sometimes taking children with her, in more than a few cases not even bothering. She finds someone else and sets up house again within a year. The husband is left going WTF? And eventually it is him who files for divorce.
Now you have this group of 30 something men asking themselves why bother with a commitment again when it is going to end the same way?
Of course this doesn't explain the lack of commitment in other age groups but for the single men over 30 I think it is the feeling of a lot of us. | |
|
| Men and commitment
Posted: 1/4/2006 10:49:16 AM | Interesting story squirrly but remember your hearing only one side of the story. I don't think it was just that he didn't give her a time reference, there are always other factors. The factors that are not offered are usually the ones that mattered most. What your hearing is some guy romanticizing over a past failed relationship, taking responsibility in its failure in some simple way. Thats just not realistic.
Your point in the post is valid though. Why do men have problems commiting to marriage. Well, given our gene pool and lack of biological clock, men are generally less interested in commiting to marriage....its just as simple as that. If not for my ex-wife, I wouldn't have commited to anything...my education, kids, house, career. I owe her many gratitudes in being a real woman. She was my keel, otherwise if I was left to my own devices, I would have drifted off into oblivion.
God/nature/human system designed males and females to be differently this way across the animal kingdom. Its pretty cool if you can understand and appreciate it.
So here I am again, without a keel, fearing any form of commitment...coincedence...I say not!
Bana-dito | |
|
| Men and commitment
Posted: 1/4/2006 11:44:37 AM | @ arri - re: the one that got away. I think men suffer from this more than women. Maybe it's just romanticism but if I meet a guy I fall head over heels in love with, I am going to try my damndest to hold on to that because that kind of certainty doesn't come around on a regular basis.
@YamI - It's true not all men are candy store shoppers and some are not commitment phobic. I must believe that or I wouldn't still be dating men.
If you KNOW you love someone and they mean so much to you, why risk losing her? Conversely if you don't take the risk to allow yourself to love someone, then you risk even more. You risk "sitting on the curb alone". OK OK I know YamI will say that's what he wants but he's young still LOL. Time will tell. | |
|
| Men and commitment
Posted: 1/4/2006 11:46:51 AM | relaxing and sitting on the “curb” alone is better than being nagged to do something you don’t want to do. | |
|
| Men and commitment
Posted: 1/4/2006 11:59:23 AM | Men and women can agree in principle that they both want a relationship to last, but men instinctively know it won't work out unless they are the one in charge.
someone posted that and I wanted to put my 2 cents into that statement.
that is sooo true . men like to be in charge that is all there is to it .
so I am an independent career minded person and many men are very intimated by that . so am i suppose to settle for someone who is lacking in ambition?
dont say the C word (Commitment) to a man if you do you will see DUST behind them as they leave you to pay the bill at the restaurant your at!!
And some men dont like to say the L word either "i love you" .. as women we take it Seriously - and I suppose we shouldnt but we do.. | |
|
| Men and commitment
Posted: 1/4/2006 12:58:15 PM | Hey peaches! In the south, we were taught early on how to make a man think he's in charge!
 | |
|
| Men and commitment
Posted: 1/4/2006 1:26:38 PM | | Funny Girl... LOL... How is it working so far? | |
|
Home
login 
