| Sabotage - Mixed messages given and received in relationships
Posted: 1/10/2006 12:57:09 AM | Alright, this has been bugging me for a while so I thought I'd lay it out in the forums and see if I'm alone in this.
Seems like I'm in a cycle here.
1). I'm single. I go on a discipline kick and lose weight. I look good and start dating.
2). I'm in a relationship. He starts feeding me. In subtle ways he pushes me to equate love with food. "Just this time won't hurt". He wants to cook for me. He wants me to cook for him. We go to restaurants. He stuffs me with food when I get home from work late at night.
3). I gain weight. Any efforts I make to lose it are met with resistance. He seems grossed out if I work out at home and doesn't want me to do it around him. He gets offended if I put my foot down and won't indulge in midnight pigouts with him. Our sex life goes to hell. He gripes I don't dress sexy any more when the fact is the clothes don't fit.
4). Subtle (or not subtle) jabs about my weight. He offers me exercise in some extreme form I'm not in shape to handle (20 mile hikes, cutting & loading wood all day, etc.) I point out where he's not helping stuffing me with food, but to him that's immaterial, I should eat with him if I love him. I feel suffocated. We break up.
Back to step one of the cycle.
So, is it a myth in men's minds that women are supposed to effortlessly look good? Does it make them angry women can't eat the way they do? Why are they always full of "better suggestions" that work for them but don't work for me, they SEE it doesn't work for me, but they ignore what I tell them WILL work for me and sabotage it every step of the way?
Does this happen to anybody else? | |
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| Sabotage - Mixed messages given and received in relationships
Posted: 1/10/2006 1:03:24 AM | | I won't let ANYONE influence what I do....if I want to be rolly-polly, or fit, it's a choice I make for myself. I have to be happy with me, not what someone else thinks. Anyone that really loves you will support you no matter what.... | |
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| Sabotage - Mixed messages given and received in relationships
Posted: 1/10/2006 2:07:55 AM | I think people shouldn't be so concerned about weight as they are. I think people have a natural weight, their body will stablize and maintain a certain fat level. I know a girl that is as hyper as anything at a weight of about 235lbs but when she looses weight she becomes tired and weak. She has found a good man who is happy with her the way she is and they are working on having children. I know another girl that is healthy and happy at only about 95lbs. when she tries to gain weight she feels better, too much and she starts to burn out.
In any case don't listen to loosers or doctors about weight unless you have a medical condition that is causing it, like thyroid problems. Here is a web site that may help some of those who have weight gain issues: http://thyroid.about.com/cs/hashimotos/a/tedfriedman.htm
I hope this helps. | |
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| Sabotage - Mixed messages given and received in relationships
Posted: 1/10/2006 5:38:02 AM | Sadly, I don't see very much of an "us" in this relationship. Everything seems to be about him...what he wants, what he is comfortable with. I'm guessing it must feel safe to think that all the things he pressures you into must not really matter at the end of the day. But apparently, it does indeed matter and not just to him, but to you, too.
He exploited a weakness in you. What more do you need to think about? | |
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Avow
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Joined: 1/3/2006
Msg: 7 | |
| Sabotage - Mixed messages given and received in relationships
Posted: 1/17/2006 10:54:13 AM | Rather than trying to find the right person, try being the right person.
I don't mean to cause you any more pain but yes,you will probably get offended!!!
I think you should just find someone that wants you the way you look when your at your top weight not the image you try and put out there, because then when you get comfortable and you go right back to your own self anyway and that's not the image they found you in then if you loose bonus! Question is,do you like you?
I'm sure theres someone out there for you as I'm on the lower end of bbw and have no problem keeping a man as I've had a 11 year and a 10 year term and both would glady walk back in my door.
And yes the weight went up and down if they can't see past your image and stay by your side.
Perhaps its not your weight girl,
To make such an allowance He starts feeding meyou do have your own mind! Or was it a control thing? don't allow anyone to become your enabler.equate love with food don't persist in self-destructive behavior (keep it real) perhaps he felt could not satisfy you sexually or lovingly?
As you say they (men) sabotage it every step of the way again I say (keep it real) your allowing them to become your enabler by providing excuses or by helping you avoid the consequences of such behavior.
Raine  | |
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| Sabotage - Mixed messages given and received in relationships
Posted: 1/17/2006 11:11:28 AM | he's grossed out when you work out at home???
that actually grosses people out??
how??
that in and of itself is a reason to not worry about that guy. he sounds retarded
i gain weight when i get in a new relationship. it's all the dates! why do most dates involve food!? i step it up at the gym and carefully watch my calories and it's back to normal in a few months | |
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| Sabotage - Mixed messages given and received in relationships
Posted: 1/17/2006 12:14:06 PM | Raine - No you didn't offend me but I'm not too fond of your logic.
I don't like how I look at my top weight, nor how I feel. Not to mention that "finding someone who likes me for me" will certainly be more difficult the less attractive I am. Yes, there are people who would "gladly walk back in my door" but I don't want them to! I would rather find someone who is encouraging and helpful.
I guess I tend to get hooked up with control freaks, I'm working on that. Or as Funny Girl said, people that exploit my weaknesses. She is right. What better way to distract me from their weaknesses than by encouraging mine?
A gentleman posted on another thread that women tend to do this to him (feed him/discourage him from working out), so I'm glad to see I'm not alone.
To answer the question as to why they get grossed out by my working out, I dunno, maybe the sight of all my flab jiggling around? These same guys had no problem watching my workout tapes for the entertainment value of the "hotties" on there, as long as I wasn't working out to them. Let me be working out to them and I got told it was foolish, a waste of time, and wouldn't work, even though I know from experience it would work.
Instead these guys posed radical ideas such as getting rid of the refrigerator, living solely on vegetables eaten straight out of the can, or other crackpot methods of their choosing.
Thanks all for your feedback. And yes, Angryson, I have issues with food. I'm orally fixated. Sometimes that can be a good thing, according to those that want back in the door. | |
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| Sabotage - Mixed messages given and received in relationships
Posted: 1/17/2006 12:22:00 PM | Oh, no, I'm not denying any responsibility for my weight gain. I ate it. My point is they often shoved it in front of me and nagged me into eating it out of gratitude for their thoughtfulness in providing it. Sorry you saw it as denial, it isn't. I just want to avoid people in the future that try to keep me gaining and discourage me from losing. I should have walked out the door at the next eat-it-or-you-don't-love-me guilt meal that came after I had the "you're going to make me fat" conversation with them.
It's ALL my fault. Is that what you want to hear? | |
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| Sabotage - Mixed messages given and received in relationships
Posted: 1/17/2006 12:30:01 PM | Don't date anyone who is fat, because they will feel worse about themselves the better you look. Find someone who is already into fitness, or who shares your goal of being in better shape.
When people meet they size each other up to see if they think the other person is too good for them. Being out-of-shape may make you seem like a match. But if you upgrade you would out-class them and so they feel threatened. They sabotage your efforts as a way of keeping you within their range of matchability. If you become a hottie then you are elevated beyond what they feel they can keep happy. They sink as you rise. | |
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| Sabotage - Mixed messages given and received in relationships
Posted: 1/17/2006 1:41:31 PM | I hope you put your foot down,some men the jealous ones will always offer junk food or fast foods to put on weight on there lady's.I seen this many times and ask my male friends about this,it a way to keep them.Sorry to here this. | |
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| Sabotage - Mixed messages given and received in relationships
Posted: 1/17/2006 1:42:07 PM | Anyone, anywhere, anytime who tries to exercise control over an aspect of your life is not someone you want to be with. Control is like a sickness it spreads, give someone control over one small aspect of your life, they'll want to control more and more. THis is something VERY personal, if someone can't accept the fact that you don't GORGE on food at night (unhealthy) or want to expend some time and effort on your health and appearance (which you should be APPLAUDED FOR!!) then they need to hit the bricks. It's subconsciously the fact that once they won you, they don't want you to be attractive to anyone else, because they secretly fear losing you. These are screwed up people, not anyone you want to be with. Maniuplative, controlling, jealous, insecure....sound attractive? I think not!!
Be with someone that accepts you just as you are that you can accept just as he is....that really is the magical formula. Anything else is frustration and short lived. | |
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| Sabotage - Mixed messages given and received in relationships
Posted: 1/17/2006 1:44:13 PM |
Let me be working out to them and I got told it was foolish, a waste of time, and wouldn't work, even though I know from experience it would work.
of course it works! you're better off without these dummies!
get rid of the fridge?
um
duh | |
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Avow
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Joined: 1/3/2006
Msg: 16 | |
| Sabotage - Mixed messages given and received in relationships
Posted: 1/18/2006 9:17:37 PM | It's not a problem with me that you are not to fond of my logic principles of reasoning And I'm glad I never offended you that wasn't my intention. It just sounded to me after reading your Forum It sounded as if you were blaming the [b[men you date,but thats cool you say you have issues with food that sounds like a personal problem nothing really to do with men. Good on you girl you've taken the first step to reality glad to be of service keep up the good work your on your way keep it real! 
Raine | |
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